I was physically sick. After I managed to pick myself up off the floor, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

I called in sick to work. I couldn't face anyone today. Cassie said she understood because of what day it was, and said she wasn't expecting me in anyway. Oh God! How could I have forgotten today was the first anniversary of Kyle's death? I got sick again. Kyle and I may have had a shitty marriage, but we shared a child together and he had made sure that we were well provided for after his death. I was eaten alive with guilt. Guilt over Kyle, guilt over Ryan. Just thinking about what the break up with Ryan would do to Mason.

I went to bed and laid down, burying myself under the blankets, physically and emotionally drained, but once again, sleep eluded me. I cried some more.

Later that morning, I got my period. I shouldn't have been surprised, it was right on time, just like it is every month. I couldn't help but hope though. Of course my birth control pills did their job. Not that I would have gotten pregnant. Not likely anyway. It just felt like another kick and punch to my already bruised and battered emotional state. Another knife to my already shattered heart.

I had to keep telling myself I was doing the right thing, but why did doing the right thing have to hurt so fucking bad?

Mason had texted a few times and sent pictures. He was having a great time, and I was glad. He hate that he missed the race, but was glad Ryan had won. He said that even though he had sent Ryan a text congratulating him, he wanted me to tell him as well. My heart broke a little more, if that was even possible.

I didn't want to get out of bed. My bed still smelled like Ryan, and I just wanted to immerse myself in it. I knew I had probably made the biggest mistake of my life, but I had to let him go for his own good. I knew I couldn't handle it if somewhere down the road, he realized we were not to be and he wanted more.

******

I somehow made it through the next couple of days. I let everyone at work believe my depressed mood and puffy eyes were the result of the anniversary of Kyle's death. Pretty shitty thing to do, but I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

On Wednesday evening, Shane and Kayla, fresh from a week in Disney World dropped Mason off at home. They declined to come in and visit because Hannah, who had been extremely cranky on the flight back home had fallen asleep in the car. They promised we'd catch up later, and I was grateful for this. I was not up for company and I had no idea how I was going to break the news to Mason about Ryan and me.

"Is Ryan here? I wanted to talk to him about Galaxy's Edge, and I've got something for him." Mason's voice was filled with excitement.

"No honey. He's not here." I said.

"Well, is he coming later?"

"He's not Mace. Sit down. I need to talk to you." I said gently.

Mason got a look of alarm on his face. "Y'all aren't dating anymore are you? Did y'all have a fight this weekend?"

"No we didn't fight. But we are not together anymore. I decided that..."

"You decided? Why did you do that mom? How could you?" He demanded.

"Mason, it's complicated."

"It's always complicated with adults. What's so complicated about it? He likes you, you like him. Y'all didn't fight, so why mom? Why did you have to ruin everything. Ryan was my best friend and you had to go and mess that up." Mason said angrily.

"Ryan is still your friend Mason, that's not going to change. Y'all will still see each other when I'm at work. You can still talk and text and FaceTime."

"It's not the same and you know it. Y'all were supposed to be together. I wanted Ryan to be my step dad, and you ruined everything. You ruined my life." He ran upstairs to his room and slammed the door. I couldn't hold it in, and I broke down again, my body wracked by sobs.

I knew Mason was going to be upset, but I never expected him to be this angry.

An hour later, my doorbell rang.

"What the hell is going on Kelsie?" I opened the door to find a very concerned looking Shane on my doorstep.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. I was surprised. I had figured he'd be home resting after spending the week with four kids.

"Your son sent me a message asking me to come and pick him up because you ruined his life." Shane replied.

I broke down again. "I broke up with Ryan." I said tearfully.

"Oh Kels, I'm so sorry. What happened?" He wrapped me in a hug as I sobbed.

When I finally felt I was able to talk, I relayed the whole story to Shane, and saw his look of concern change to one of confusion, with underlying anger.

"You say you did this for Ryan, but you never let him decide if that's what he wants. You made that decision for him Kelsie. That wasn't fair to him."

"It's more complicated than that Shane." God I sounded like a broken record.

"What's so complicated about it? He loves you, you love him. Sounds pretty simple to me."

"You sound just like Mason." I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

"He's a smart kid. I just don't get your reasoning Kels. You were happy. Why give that up?" Shane looked honestly perplexed.

"Because I can't give him what he wants, or what he needs." I argued.

"But isn't that for Ryan to decide?" Shane argued back.

"You just don't get it Shane." I said angrily.

"Don't get what? That you are willing to throw everything away because you think you are doing what's best for Ryan when all he wants is you."

"How am I supposed to live with myself if I take his future away?" My eyes began burning with yet more tears.

"But what if you are his future? Ryan told you what he wants, and that's you and Mason. Are you so terrified of being happy? You've got this great guy that loves you and loves Mason, but you've been so unhappy for so long that it's all you know, so you are going to sabotage one of the best things that has happened in your life." Shane yelled at me.

"You know nothing about anything in my life because you have not been around, so don't pretend that you do." I shouted back.

"So you are going to keep throwing that in my face. I know I wasn't around and I said I was sorry for that, but I'm here now, and you are back to pushing away the people who love you most. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone?"

"I'm done with this conversation Shane."

"Well I'm not. Do you really want to know what I think? I think you are scared. You finally let someone in, and it was so good, you didn't know how to react because you've never had that before. You've been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and when it didn't, it freaked you out more. You are so afraid he's going to break your heart, so you made sure you broke his first."

Those words hit me like a brick. Was he right?

"You have no idea what you're talking about, and you have no clue how this feels. You have your perfect marriage and you have your perfect family, but not everyone gets to experience that Shane."

"You could have that Kels. Ryan could give that to you." His words were softer this time.

"But I can't give that to him. That's what you are not understanding Shane. This is for his own good."

"I'm sorry Kels, I can't support you on this. You are making the biggest mistake of your life, and that's saying a lot."

"If you can't support me, then just leave. You said so yourself that I'm destined to be alone."

"Fine. I'll leave, but I can't let this go Kelsie. You also need to think about Mason. This is hurting him too. Stop shutting everyone out. You don't have to be alone." This time, his words were almost a plea.

When he walked out the door, I collapsed to the floor in tears. Maybe Kyle was right. I was damaged. At least something inside of me was damaged. I had never felt more alone in my life, and it was all my fault.

"So now you've run Uncle Shane off too." Mason's angry voice from the stairway got my attention.

"Mason..." I began.

"You're my mom, and I love you, but I really don't like you right now. I just can't talk to you right now." He walked back to his room and slammed the door.

I had succeeded in alienating everyone in my life. Nice work Kelsie. You wanted to be alone and now you are. I thought to myself.