I tried to enjoy myself this weekend, and I did for the most part. However, it seemed as if every time I turned around, something made my doubts increase even more.

Ryan was extremely fan friendly, especially with the kids. You could see the pure joy on his face every time he interacted with the young fans. The sight warmed and sank my heart at the same time. Don't even get me started on all the young, pretty females throwing themselves at him. I wasn't jealous over the fact that they were so obvious in getting his attention, but the fact that anyone of those girls could be the one to give him what I couldn't. I was torn by the feeling that I was holding him back, despite his reassurances that I wasn't.

During Ryan's free time, we hung around with a few other drivers, mainly Bubba and Chase, but the nights were reserved for us, since we could not get enough of each other.

Ryan looked great in practice and qualified in the top five. I kept my vow to myself to have fun and put everything else to the side.

*******

"I told you girl, you are a lucky charm. You are not allowed to skip anymore races for the rest of the season." Todd said, giving me a hug after Ryan took the checkered flag. I could hardly believe it myself. The third race I had been to with Ryan, and he had won all three.

Todd helped me down from the pit box, and we made our way to victory lane. As usual, I hung back, watching from the sidelines as Ryan celebrated with his team. At one point, he caught my eye, and gave me that smile that made me weak in the knees.

I was happy for him of course, but I was not in a good place. So much had been weighing on my mind that I had put off for the weekend, but now the weekend was over.

Ryan had finally finished with all of his post race obligations, and we were on the plane headed back home.

"Are you okay? You've been really quiet." Ryan asked me.

"Yes. I'm just tired. It's been a busy weekend, and I guess it's just catching up with me." I explained. It wasn't entirely untrue.

******

We had arrived back at my house. As per usual, we were in each other's arms the moment we walked through the door. Our sexual chemistry was dynamic, but it went far deeper than that. However, I didn't want to rush anything. I wanted to hold on to this moment for as long as I could.

I had prayed that I would get some clarity this weekend, but unfortunately, I didn't get the clarity that I was hoping for. I was going to have to let him go, and it was going to kill me. I was holding him back from his future, and I loved him too much to do that. I was not selfish enough to hold on to him and have him never fulfill his chance to be a father, but I was selfish enough to want one more perfect night. I knew what I had to do, but that could wait until tomorrow. Tonight, I needed him.

Before I knew it, we were naked and in bed, his fingers already there, working their magic. His lips on mine lit a fire in my soul. I didn't want to think about anything else. Don't think, just feel, I reminded myself.

"Make love to me Ryan." I murmured against his lips.

He entered me slowly, and our bodies began to move together in perfect unison, as one. His hand was locked with mine, our fingers intertwined. I held him a little closer, held on just a little tighter, a little longer. Never wanting this to end, but knowing nothing lasts forever. Although I had already memorized every inch of his body, I did it again, my hands touching him everywhere. As if it weren't burned into my brain enough, I made sure I would never forget a thing.

Soon, all too soon, my release was washing over me, consuming me, and I rode the waves of ecstasy, relishing it to the very end. Ryan followed immediately after, and I held him to me even longer. When he pulled out of me, I nearly sobbed from the loss connection.

"I love you." He spoke, looking into my eyes. I choked back the lump in my throat as I pulled him to me, kissing him deeply, memorizing the feel of his lips on mine. I conveyed every ounce of my love into that kiss.

Efforts at sleep were futile. I may have managed an hour or two of restless sleep, if that. I laid in bed for a couple of hours just listening to Ryan's steady breathing and occasional soft snores. I watched him through the moonlight streaming through the bedroom curtains. He was so beautiful, so perfect. He deserved so much more.

As quietly as I could, I slipped out of bed and into the kitchen where I flicked on the small light over the stove and started a pot of coffee. While waiting on the coffee to brew, I sat down at the table in the near darkness and became lost in my thoughts and just let the tears flow.

"What are you doing up?" Ryan's softly spoken words pulled me out of my thoughts and startled me. He came to sit next to me. "Kelsie, are you crying?" He took my hand and I choked back another sob. "What's going on babe? Talk to me." He pleaded.

How the hell was I supposed to do this?

He reached out his hand and stroked my face, wiping away my tears that were steadily falling.
"I don't think we are going to work out Ryan." I finally choked out with another sob.

"I don't understand Kelsie. Please talk to me." He pleaded again.

"I thought I could get past the age difference, but I discovered I can't. I think we moved too fast too soon, and I don't think I'm ready for that." I stammered out, trying to come up with any other excuse.

"This is about children isn't it?" He asked softly. I should have known he would. In just a short time, he already knew me so well. I just didn't know how to respond. "Do you love me?" He asked, and every fiber in my being screamed yes. I was unable to speak. What if I lied and said no, would that make this easier?

"Kelsie, look at me." He tilted my head up so we were face to face. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me."

I couldn't do it. "I do love you Ryan, and that's why I have to let you go. This isn't easy for me, but you deserve more than I can give you." I sobbed.

"I told you I don't care about that. Your age, children, it doesn't matter to me as long as I have you and Mason."

"You may feel that way now Ryan, but you are still young, with your whole life ahead of you. What about a year, two years from now you change your mind. I don't want you to resent me for holding you back, taking that away from you. I'm thinking about the future. Your future. Our future and sadly, I don't think we have one."

"I'm not letting you go Kelsie." He argued.

I knew I was going to have to get tougher, and it killed me. "You have to Ryan. It's over. We are over. I was a fool to think this would work between us. We had a good time together, but all good things must come to an end and now it's time."

Through the little bit of light coming from above the stove, I could see the hurt in his eyes, and it broke my heart. I wanted to do nothing more then wrap my arms around him and tell him to forget everything I had just said, but I couldn't. I had come this far, I had to end it, for his sake.

"What about Mason? I love that kid as much as I love you." He said, and I saw the tears brimming in his blue eyes.

"Of course you can still talk to Mason. You can see him while I'm at work, still hang out with him whenever you want." I made sure I mentioned while I was at work. My heart would not be able to take seeing him, knowing I could not have him, but I couldn't keep him and Mason apart.

"So just like that we're done?" His voice had taken on a slight tone of anger.

"We're done. I think it's best you leave Ryan. We don't need to make this any harder than it already is." I hated that I sounded like such a cold bitch. The person Kyle accused me of being, but I felt there was no other way.

He left quietly to get dressed and grabbed his keys. I stood at the door waiting. He walked to the door and opened it slightly. "I'll leave now, but regardless of what you said, this is not over. I'm not letting you go that easily." Then he walked out closing the door behind him. I heard the car door slam, and the squealing of tires as he pulled out of my driveway.

I collapsed to the floor in tears, letting the sobs overtake me. I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life by letting him walk out that door, and I was filled with regret, but I did what I thought was best for him. Why did it have to hurt so fucking bad?