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3,5 YEARS AGO

Seonghwa stared into the burning charcoal, underneath the table grill, with an intensity that would've been enough to ignite the small black pieces. The tension around the round wooden table was high like never before, and he had no idea how he even managed to show up tonight - how any of them did.

Hongjoong kept pulling his lips into a strange smile, as if he was fighting to keep a somewhat positive look on his face. Mingi was leaned back in his chair, tapping the bottom of his chopsticks against the table, while Yunho was sitting all slouched together in his seat, making him look like he was no where near the tallest of them all - nervousness painted all over his usually happy face.

"So... How have you been?" Hongjoong asked, but the question seemed just as forced as the smile that wanted to leave - just as much as he probably did so himself.

"Fine," Seonghwa replied with a shrug.

Fine... Anything but fine - but it was the perfect, most simple way to answer, and the others all nodded slowly, at the same time, accepting the response. But they all knew it was a lie, and Seonghwa knew that as well.

The four of them hadn't hung out for months - something that used to be so uncommon had become their every day life. The only reason they met up tonight, was because of Yunho's birthday. But Yunho looked nothing like someone who was in the mood to be celebrated.

While Hongjoong fought to keep the conversation going, and Mingi constantly ordered more bottles of Soju, Seonghwa just kept staring at the table grill. Now and then he nodded, doing what he could to seem like he was paying attention at all.

But his mind was a mess, it was empty but filled up at the same time. He felt like burning up, but he also felt nothing at all. He didn't even care that none of his so called best friends came to his wedding two months ago. It didn't come as a surprise when they all had come with the most lame excuses not to attend, and it didn't hurt either.

Because Seonghwa was sure that he had already been hurt so badly that he'd never feel pain again. Maybe, he had gotten so used to the pain that his body didn't even register that it was always hurting by now...

"How are... How are things with Tzuyu?" Mingi asked later on, his voice lower than ever before.

The tall, confident guy had turned into a hesitant, nervous boy, as Mingi dared to look Seonghwa's way. The question was more than forced, but the three others knew they had to ask, to be polite.

"Good..." Swallowing a sigh, Seonghwa looked up and met Mingi's eyes. The resentment in the taller's eyes was clear, but he just nodded slowly at Seonghwa's reply. "It's all good... The baby is doing fine and..."

Letting his eyes fall to the table again, Seonghwa couldn't even finish his own sentence. The words kept getting stuck in his throat, and he knew none of them wanted to hear what he had to say anyway. Not about that particular subject at least.

But that certain name was not something that would be left in silence for long.

As the empty Soju bottles started to stack up on the table, the conversation started to flow more naturally. A few jokes were thrown in here and there, but only between three of them. Seonghwa felt the alcohol hitting hard, but it had been so long since he had been drinking, and it made him feel quite strange.

And as the intoxication started to take over, his mind started to unlock things he had pushed aside for way too long. Things he knew he should forget, but things that wouldn't leave him alone.

His eyes skimmed over the faces of his friends, the ones that used to make him feel so happy, the ones he could always count on. The ones he had neglected, to stay inside his own self-made hell. In his current state, Seonghwa could no longer deny how much he had changed, and how much he hated it.

He missed his friends, he missed laughing with them and just hanging out - he even missed being forced to watch Harry Potter for the 117th time. He missed when Yunho was the life of the party, and not trying to hide himself on his chair in the corner of a small Korean BBQ restaurant.

He missed talking about anything and everything with Hongjoong, walking together to class and sitting next to each other during the dragged out lectures. He missed Mingi's persistent personality that would make him do things he thought he didn't want to, but eventually it would make him learn new things about himself.

But most importantly, he missed those times because that was when he met Yeosang.

And he missed that gorgeous boy so goddamn much, and sitting here with his old friends, thinking back on how he, himself, used to be - Seonghwa couldn't escape the memories of the boy he had loved so much.

The boy he still loved more than anything.

Not that it mattered anymore. Yeosang had moved away, Seonghwa had broken his heart, and the pain had torn his own apart as well.

Sometimes it felt like it had all been a dream - a dream, which had turned into a nightmare. How could he have had someone so amazing in his life, and thrown it all away?

Regret had been eating him up each and every day, like a wild predator, and he was nothing but a weak prey in its deadly claws.

But he had no more tears left to cry, even when he wanted to, he couldn't. Instead it all built up inside of him, devouring him slowly, and each bite taken from his sanity was reminding him that he would never feel truly happy again.

Yeosang had been the one, Seonghwa knew that all along. He had fallen in love the very first time they met, although it had taken him a while to admit it.

Yeosang was the one, and he would always be the one.

And it was at that exact thought that Seonghwa finally felt something again - overwhelming, suffocating pain. Pain that made him reach out and empty another shot, and then one more. He had to forget, to wipe away the memories of the one that would never be his again.

Seonghwa was married now, to a girl he hated almost as much as he hated himself. He was caught in his family's claws with no way out, and he had a baby coming in just a few months. With each day that passed, each day that took him one step closer to what felt like his demise - Seonghwa felt like he was choking on his own life.

Another shot down, cheering with his friends - but it was anything but cheerful.

Later that same night they all walked down the streets together. The mood had been lifted just slightly, but as they walked through the small play ground in Hongdae - the one they had hung out at so many times during their first year at Yonsei, drinking beer and listening to horrible underground bands while leaning against the graffiti covered building, everything suddenly fell apart.

"Remember when we used to hang out here?" Yunho mumbled, looking around at the place they used to have so much fun at. "I... I really miss that..."

"I think we all do," Mingi said, with a wry smile briefly touching his face.

"Why don't we just... Do it again?" It then came from Hongjoong, but as all of them looked at each other, they knew why.

The evening breeze stroked their cheeks and took their hair for a spin, but as it had passed it seemed to have taken all the happy memories with it - and all that was left, was the painful reality of what their friendship had become.

Nothing.

"I should... Get going..." Seonghwa said with a low mumbling voice. "Tzuyu has been texting me several times, so..."

The second her name left his lips, Seonghwa knew he had made a mistake. The thin line that the good mood had been balancing at, was ripped apart, and everything fell to the ground.

In the silence of the late hours, the snort that Mingi didn't intend to let go of, was heard way too loudly. Seonghwa wanted to ignore it, he wanted to let it go and let the evening end on a, still, fairly good note. But he couldn't. Swaying from side to side, he felt how rage was suddenly exploding inside of him.

Not rage against Mingi, but it came out that way. All those months of hating himself, of hating his family, his wife - everything just came together, and was ignited by the alcohol he should've left in his glass.

"Why did you do that?" he asked, glaring at the taller.

"What do you mean?" Mingi quickly responded.

"That sound. Why did you do that? Why... Why can't you guys just accept that she is my wife now, and this is my life? Why can't you be happy for me? None of you came to my wedding!"

Word after word left his mouth without his permission. His mind had shut off, and his emotions had taken over, as they had done so many times before. But this time, the outcome would be fatal.

"Because she's full of shit!" Mingi suddenly shouted, pulling his own hair in frustration.

"What are you talking about?" Seonghwa pushed the words through his gritted teeth.

Yunho had stepped closer to Mingi, trying to calm him down, but nothing helped. It was too late. All of them had felt the pressure for too long... Mingi pushed himself past Yunho, who helplessly let his arms fall to his side, with a sad look on his face.

"Thing don't add up, Seonghwa! Tell me one thing; did you, or did you not see the paternity test?"

Seonghwa froze. It was the one question he had hoped his friends would never ask him - because if they did, it would mean he had to admit something to himself that was too embarrassing to even think about.

Everything had happened so fast, he had reacted too fast himself. He had broken Yeosang's heart before he even knew the truth himself. He never dared to ask, he believed his mother's words, why would she lie? It would be something so insane to lie about... She had to hold he could see it if he wanted to, and he had taken that as enough of a confirmation.

"... No."

"Then how can you be sure it's even your child?" The taller stood his ground, and although the other two remained silent, Seonghwa knew that all three of them agreed with each other.

And deep down... He did too.

"What are you trying to say right now, Mingi?" he asked, swallowing the insecurity and vulnerability that he didn't want to show them.

"I'm not trying to say anything. I am saying this; she's a fucking liar! She's always been a liar! And you know it! Otherwise you wouldn't act like this!" Mingi's voice was still loud, almost aggressive.

"Like what?"

Seonghwa knew what Mingi meant, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt when his next words came flying like daggers through the air.

"Like this pathetic shadow of the Park Seonghwa we used to know and love! ... The one Yeosang used to love..."

But the last part did surprise Seonghwa, as he never told Mingi and Yunho about his relationship with the younger brunette, who had stolen his heart. Only one person, out of the four of them, besides himself knew about it...

"You... You told them?" Seonghwa growled, glaring at the person he used to trust more than anyone.

"I-I... Yeah, but..." Hongjoong took a step back, his eyes already teary from the entire situation that had escalated way too quickly.

"It was none of your fucking business to tell them!"

Hongjoong opened his mouth, but nothing came out. The first tear escaped from his eye, and he wiped it away as fast as he could. He then shook his head, in a way that showed he couldn't bare to speak another word in that moment.

"You tell me I am acting different. But maybe I'm just growing up, and accepting my life, and maybe you should do the same! Then we can all stop acting like this stupid play pretend friendship is real!"

Seonghwa didn't wait for the others to respond. He spun around on his heels and walked away with fast steps, hands clenched at his sides and tears clinging to his lashes. It had been the right thing to do, they would never accept him as what he had become. And he would never do it either, if he stayed around people like that.

As he left his friends behind, Seonghwa's heart turned to stone in his chest. It was better this way, he was about to be a father - and the fact that he still doubted whether it actually was his child or not, didn't matter. He was married, almost done with his studies and his father had a job lined up for him already. His life was laid out for him, and that was how it was supposed to be.

His friendships were broken - the last worn down bridge had been burned. Yeosang had left Korea.

And as long as things stayed that way, Seonghwa told himself that he would be -

- just fine.

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A/N: OOPS would you look at that? I did a thing, yes I did. And I have no regrets!! ;)