bts_indianfangirl

- Reviewer Katha -

BOOK COVER[8/10]: 

The cover is simple, yet fairly attractive. The fonts used are also very beautiful. You can make the subtitles a bit bigger though, because I almost read 'she' as 'the'.

TITLE[5/10]: 

The title sounds relevant to the story, according to the blurb, but there isn't anything really special about it.

BLURB[5/15]: 

The blurb consisted of a spec of a scene from the story and then a small summary. It was okay, but I found several mistakes in the sentence constructions.

For example: The boy's parents sighed , knowing he won't stop sulking.

First of all, there should be no space before a comma; only after it. Also, "won't" is the wrong contraction, and you should be putting "wouldn't" instead. Another thing is, you don't have to put "The boy's". You could have just used the pronoun 'His'.

"His parents sighed, knowing that their son wouldn't stop sulking"- doesn't this sound better?

I would suggest rewriting your blurb after correcting the grammatical errors.

STORY LINE[2/20]:

The plot of the story is very much predictable, so that's a minus. Your readers should not be able to predict what is to come next, because where would be the fun in that? You should create an element of curiosity, which I could not find in your story.

To be brutally honest, there were several portions where I cringed in a bad way and had to stop reading for a moment. That isn't a nice thing to hear from a reader. The thing is, your story lacks the sense of realism. I know it is a fictional story, but even in fiction there needs to be some practical sense.

If Taehyung's family adopts Y/N, then how can she be Taehyung's girlfriend? She becomes his sibling. Wouldn't that be weird, especially when you're not going for the step-brother trope? Everything that takes place should have a reason and a meaning behind, be it in real life or fiction. And frankly, no parent is supportive of their ward fighting.

Besides that, your writing is very minimalistic and does not provide a clear picture in a reader's mind. You cannot leave everything to a reader's imaginations. Instead, you should provide a pen-picture for your readers to comprehend better.

CHARACTERS[2/10]: Your portrayal of characters needs improvement. You didn't describe them. For readers who are accustomed to Taehyung and Namjoon, it won't be a problem. However, for others who are not, it would be difficult. Also, no one knows how Taehyung's parents look, so you could at least give a small description of them.

DIALOGUE DELIVERY[3/15]: 

Look, in the English language, we don't put "na" in a sentence. Since your story is in English and set in a Korean standard, I don't see why you should be adding that word.

Like here, "Mom you know na dad is mad..." the "na" in here sounds very much confusing to people who are not accustomed with it's usage. They may take it the wrong way, since saying one sentence in two different languages.

Also, the sentence construction of most of the dialogues are wrong.

I suggest you correct your English and rewrite it.

GRAMMAR AND VOCAB[2/20]: 

Don't take me rudely, but your grammar is really bad. There are many places where you have made grammatical errors, like absence of punctuation, confusion of pronouns and of course, there's the sentence construction.

"And Also you don't want weak infront of her don't you hmmm"

In this one line itself there are so many mistakes. First of all, after putting "and" it's not needed to put an "also" since they mean the same thing. Secondly, why is "also" starting with a capital letter? It's not a proper noun, nor is it the beginning of a sentence. Third, you have missed so many punctuations in just that one sentence. Fourth, the question tag is unnecessary. You could've simply ended the sentence with a "right?" Fifth, you missed the "to be" between 'want' and 'weak'. Lastly, "hmmm" is usually not a word, instead we write it as "they hummed in response" or something along those lines.

So, if I were to write this sentence, I'd write it like:

"And you don't want to appear weak in front of her, right?" she teased her son.

TOTAL: 27/100

WEAKNESS AND STRENGTH: You have a lot of weaknesses and you really need to correct them, as I've pointed out above.

I highly advise you to draft your stories first in Google Doc or as a Word File. There, your mistakes would be pointed out immediately and you can correct them.

I really hope you don't take any of my words as an insult or rude remark because as a reviewer, I am just being honest with you and pointing out your mistakes, giving you good suggestions. If you just try to reduce the number of mistakes to the minimum level, you will do great.

yoontaetive

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

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Regards,

THC