𝖠 𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗍𝖿𝖾𝗅𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗄 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗍𝗈 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖾𝗇𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗃𝗎𝖽𝗀𝖾, _abhipreeti_, 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗂𝗋 𝗆𝖺𝗀𝗂𝖼𝖺𝗅 𝖽𝖾𝖽𝗂𝖼𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗐𝗂𝗌𝖽𝗈𝗆. 𝖢𝗈𝗇𝗀𝗋𝖺𝗍𝗎𝗅𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝗉𝖾𝗅𝗅𝖻𝗂𝗇𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗐𝗂𝗇𝗇𝖾𝗋𝗌-𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖻𝗋𝗂𝗅𝗅𝗂𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗅𝗒 𝗌𝗁𝗂𝗇𝖾𝗌!

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A Note to Participants From Judge: This category depends a lot on personal preference. An opening line/paragraph could intrigue one person and at the same time, not intrigue another. I have tried explaining why I was hooked and why I wasn't, so please take the reviews very lightly.

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𐔌 . ⋮ 1𝗦𝗧 𝗣𝗟𝗔𝗖𝗘 𝗪𝗜𝗡𝗡𝗘𝗥𝗦 .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱

_reichii » Calathea

Hook (30/30)

Intrigue Factor (30/30)

Immediate Connection (20/20)

Overall Engagement (20/20)

➦ Total : 100/100

Overall Review: Often beginning a story with one word, two words, a phrase, or something which is not a sentence, is primarily not enjoyed by many (from what I have seen) but over the years, as Literature and Fiction Writing has evolved, so has people's tastes. I appreciate how you didn't hesitate to begin a story with one word. 'Weirdo.' I don't know about others but it definitely made me snort. In a good way, of course. I immediately wanted to read more (which I undoubtedly did) to find the reason why this word was used. You had me hooked so good job for doing that.

Recommendations for Improvement: No recommendations required. The beginning is absolutely alright in my view.

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Spiritsx » Angel Dog

Hook (30/30)

Intrigue Factor (30/30)

Immediate Connection (20/20)

Overall Engagement (20/20)

➦ Total : 100/100

Overall Review: You had me questioning from the first sentence. Why was the shelter dog able to see a ghost? Then again, maybe all dogs can since it is a theory, commonly thought of. Is there any specific reason why the dog was able to see the ghost? Was it a ghost even, or something else? You had me cooking theories to be honest and I didn't realise when I had begun reading the rest of the chapter. I was THAT intrigued.

Recommendations for Improvement: There is no requirement for Improvement, everything is perfect! Keep it up.

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𐔌 . ⋮ 2𝗡𝗗 𝗣𝗟𝗔𝗖𝗘 𝗪𝗜𝗡𝗡𝗘𝗥 .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱

SeraDrake » Morsels: Tales of Love and Passion (One Of The Girls)

Hook (30/30)

Intrigue Factor (28/30)

Immediate Connection (18.5/20)

Overall Engagement (19/20)

➦ Total : 95.5/100

Overall Review: From the very first line, I like how you have written "the music throbbed and groaned; it begged for release..." as if being compared to when a human is in an intimate position of and yearning for sexual release. It did appear to me like that. And then the paragraph went on with its twisted use of words that intrigued me quite well. I don't have anything else to say but good work!

Recommendations for Improvement: Recommendations for improvement aren't necessary. You have done a good job at creating an opening hook that would immediately grab readers' attention! It did mine at least.

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𐔌 . ⋮ 3𝗥𝗗 𝗣𝗟𝗔𝗖𝗘 𝗪𝗜𝗡𝗡𝗘𝗥 .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱

FHLevin » Shadow and Steel

Hook (29/30)

Intrigue Factor (28.5/30)

Immediate Connection (18/20)

Overall Engagement (18.5/20)

➦ Total : 94/100

Overall Review: From the very beginning of the paragraph, I was hooked. A thrilling connection and that this story is of the Science Fiction genre was understandable without any doubt. In fact, I liked how you began the paragraph with this sentence "As Silas entered the Black Nebula, he knew he would either leave with a pilot or a death sentence"; opening room for possible theories like if Silas was on a run, why would he be put on a death sentence and so on. Grammatically, the paragraph is also perfect.

Recommendations for Improvement: I wish I had any recommendations for improvement but I do not because I feel like there is no room for improvement. The beginning is already perfect as it is. Good work!

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𐔌 . ⋮ 𝗡𝗢𝗕𝗟𝗘 𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗧𝗜𝗖𝗜𝗣𝗔𝗡𝗧𝗦 .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱

Thundercloud_E » Malora

Hook (27/30)

Intrigue Factor (26.5/30)

Immediate Connection (16/20)

Overall Engagement (17/20)

➦ Total : 86.5/100

Overall Review: While your writing style and way of creating descriptions, (which I tell you, is hard), is commendable, the first paragraph wasn't interesting enough to hook me and while this is a personal preference, a beginning which is more impactful whether it be in a humorous manner, some action, and other, may attract readers more when they read the beginning paragraph/line of your story.

Recommendations for Improvement: According to me, this description would have been more suitable after the beginning paragraph. Because, I will be honest, while not all but most readers may be attracted to a more instant start than descriptive paragraph describing more or less the everyday life of the village.

Some examples I have collected (since your work is of Fantasy genre, I have collected examples from such books):

"When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton." ~ "The Lord of the Rings" by J.R.R. Tolkein

"The unicorn lived in a lilac wood, and she lived all alone." ~ "The Last Unicorn" by Peter S. Beagle

"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense." ~ "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" by J.K. Rowling

"It took seven years to get the letter right." ~ "Caraval" by Stephanie Garber

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ShigureShinyGaze » The Duke's Reluctant Bride

Hook (25/30)

Intrigue Factor (24/30)

Immediate Connection (16/20)

Overall Engagement (17/20)

➦ Total: 82/100

Overall Review: The opening paragraph has a magical sense, is mystical, and the perfect opening for a fantasy story. The vocabulary used is praiseworthy and there are absolutely no grammatical errors. While I must admit in terms of intriguing me, it didn't impress me much but I did want to briefly read more. And that's just a personal opinion. Keep up the good work!

Recommendations for Improvement: I have no recommendations as I think the opening paragraph is alright :).

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JoelleSC » Dinosaurs Don't Dance

Hook (25.5/30)

Intrigue Factor (23/30)

Immediate Connection (13/20)

Overall Engagement (13/20)

➦ Total: 74.5/100

Overall Review: While I am in awe of your writing style and vivid imagery that you have portrayed through your first paragraph, my honest opinion would be, I wasn't hooked or interested enough to read on. Let me explain this and please know, this can vary from people to people. When we, as readers, are presented from the very beginning with a lengthy paragraph which even though has beautiful descriptions and imagery of the scenery, for people like me who want our attention grabbed from the very beginning, do not want a lot of information and description as a starting. We would like it a bit later or in the middle of the chapter. We would like to wonder and have our curiosity piqued. Am I making sense?

Recommendations for Improvement: My recommendation would be to shorten the beginning paragraph OR break it into more paragraphs. In my opinion, if you could separate the first sentence of the paragraph "In the realm of scorching earthen dominion, nestled within the sprawling Utah desert, an unfathomable expanse stretched as far as the eye could see"; I think this particular sentence, if separated and put as the beginning and first line of the story, it might be more intriguing.

Some examples of story openers:

" 'The King is dead. Long live the Queen.' The announcer's voice crackles from the wireless and winds around the rapt patrons of Berlin's Milk Bar as sinuously as the fog curls around the mournful street lamps, their wan glow barely illuminating the cobblestones." ~ "The Fortune Men" by Nadifa Mohamed

"Mother died today. Or maybe, yesterday; I can't be sure." ~ "The Outsider" by Albert Camus

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." ~ "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect." ~ "Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka

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celestialwriterr » My Merman

Hook (22/30)

Intrigue Factor (22.5/30)

Immediate Connection (11/20)

Overall Engagement (12/20)

➦ Total : 67.5/100

Overall Review: To be honest, I like how you have begun your story. The beginning paragraph creates a fantastical charm and introduces us to a beautiful scenery and of course, one of our protagonists, Jungkook. And while it is beautiful and likable, the opening paragraph is not interesting enough to hook me. I am not being wondered but from the very beginning, being introduced to information.

Recommendations for Improvement: Some examples I have gathered and might help you understand what I am trying to point here:

"What he wants most in the world is to cut off his own hands." ~ "A Thousand Perfect Notes" by C.G. Drews

"I have a heart for every year I've been alive. There are seventeen hidden in the sand of my bedroom. Every so often, I claw through the shingle, just to check they're still there. Buried deep and bloody." ~ "To Kill a Kingdom" by Alexandra Christo

"Cherry Neita was not the type of woman to voluntarily use stairs." ~ "The Princess Trap" by Talia Hibbert

"The real story isn't half as pretty as the one you've heard." ~ "Spinning Silver" by Naomi Novik

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autumnberry0 » The Place Where Love Began

Hook (19/30)

Intrigue Factor (18/30)

Immediate Connection (11/20)

Overall Engagement (11.5/20)

➦ Total : 59.5/100

Overall Review: There were no grammatical errors or anything wrong in your writing style, and in fact, it is a good beginning but when we are speaking in terms of making me want to read more, I wasn't hooked enough. I believe this could be because the very beginning paragraph is pouring us readers with information rather than doing the work of piquing our curiosity.

Recommendations for Improvement: I think it would be better to show you examples of the type of opening lines and/or paragraphs I am speaking of:

"Seeing the world through rose-colored glasses was a cultivated skill." ~ "New Orleans Rush" by Kelly Siskind

"The problem with fairy tales is that most of them begin with a tragedy." ~ "Cinder & Ella" by Kelly Oram

"I have a theory. Hating someone feels disturbingly similar to being in love with them." ~ "The Hating Game" by Sally Thorne

"My life is none of their business." ~ "All in Pieces" by Suzanne Young

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itz_mezieee » Monster of the Unknown

Hook (18/30)

Intrigue Factor (17.5/30)

Immediate Connection (9/20)

Overall Engagement (10/20)

➦ Total : 54.5/100

Overall Review: The beginning paragraph of your story, which is, of the prologue would've fit better for an information part provided before the main story part. In my perspective, the prose appears very informative and by informative I mean the kinds we can find in Preface or Author's Note, where authors explain certain things about their stories. Naturally, there is no hook or any element which could interest me.

I much rather prefer the beginning sentence of your 1st chapter than of the prologue. But readers will not dive into your 1st chapter. They will first read the prologue and that is from where you need to grab their attention so that they do not leave just after reading the prologue. As they say, first impressions matter.

Recommendations for Improvement: I am showing some examples so that you can see and understand better why these examples are not interesting but also have perfect hooks:

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way." ~ "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." ~ "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy

"All children, except one, grow up." ~ "Peter Pan" by JM Barrie

"Coraline discovered the door a little while after they moved into the house." "Coraline" by Neil Gaiman

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𝖠 𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗇𝖽 𝗈𝖿 𝖾𝗇𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗍𝖾𝖽 𝖺𝗉𝗉𝗅𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗐𝗂𝗇𝗇𝖾𝗋𝗌! 𝖳𝗈 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒 𝗉𝖺𝗋𝗍𝗂𝖼𝗂𝗉𝖺𝗇𝗍, 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗄 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗃𝗈𝗂𝗇𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗆𝖺𝗀𝗂𝖼𝖺𝗅 𝖺𝗐𝖺𝗋𝖽𝗌 𝗃𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗇𝖾𝗒. 𝖱𝖾𝗆𝖾𝗆𝖻𝖾𝗋, 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗇 𝗂𝖿 𝗏𝗂𝖼𝗍𝗈𝗋𝗒 𝖽𝗂𝖽𝗇'𝗍 𝖿𝗂𝗇𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾, 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗌𝗍𝗈𝗋𝗒 𝗌𝗁𝗂𝗇𝖾𝗌 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗂𝗍𝗌 𝗈𝗐𝗇 𝗎𝗇𝗂𝗊𝗎𝖾 𝗌𝗉𝖾𝗅𝗅𝖻𝗂𝗇𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗋𝗆.

𝖯𝗋𝖾𝗉𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌𝖾𝗅𝗏𝖾𝗌, 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗌𝗈𝗈𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗍𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗌𝗎𝗋𝖾𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗌𝗍𝗂𝖼𝗄𝖾𝗋𝗌, 𝖼𝖾𝗋𝗍𝗂𝖿𝗂𝖼𝖺𝗍𝖾𝗌, 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗈𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗉𝗋𝗂𝗓𝖾𝗌 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝖻𝖾 𝗎𝗇𝗏𝖾𝗂𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗌 𝖺𝗁𝖾𝖺𝖽!