~*~

Harry could not recall when the last time he felt giddy like a child.

Moving out from home when he was a teen had force him to mature early. Innocence gone and can't even enjoy the simplest pleasures in life.

Meeting Louis was different, the scrawny nerd who came at his aid to help him when he was hiding at the library still was the first time he didn't feel like punching someone.

Losing Louis started all sort of pent of frustration growing inside of him which made him secluded again, meeting people but forgetting their name the day after.

He was alive but not really living.

But now, at this very moment where he sat in Jade's office with a scowling Niall, a still shocked Liam and a smirking Zayn made Harry feel happy.

The three males were just staring at Harry and Harry was too over his head to start talking.

It was Niall who broke the awkward silence.

"Why do we have to stay in this room? It gives me more reason to strangle this guy." He grumbled.

He had an ice pack placed on his knuckles due to the earlier punch he gave Harry. Harry had an aching jaw but didn't mind it, he was kind of happy with the pain because it makes him believe that it wasn't a dream.

"We can't let the children see you punching people Niall." Liam interjected.

Niall sighed and just plopped at the nearby sofa.

"So, you build this orphanage to look nice?" He inquired in a sarcastic tone which made Harry look away.

"Niall." Zayn called on Niall in a serious tone.

Harry gave Zayn a small smile, he knew that the man wasn't completely on his side, but he knows the truth, maybe part of the truth but having someone know the secret he's been keeping feels like a whole ton of weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

But Harry understood where Niall was coming from.

Niall continued with his rant, looking disbelievingly at Zayn. He didn't know why he was defending Harry of his actions. "Look, I'm just not comfortable being with the person who hurt my friend and suddenly disappeared out of our life like we meant nothing."

"Nia-"Zayn was about to reprimand his friend when Harry lifted his hand to stop him.

Harry shakes his head and let out a sigh. "No, he's right Zayn, you all have the right to hate me."

"Like hell we do." Niall grumbled which earned an eye roll from an exasperated Zayn.

"Can we just listen to what he has to say?" Liam commented to stop the two from bickering, it was giving him an awful headache already.

Harry smiled at Liam, but it wasn't returned so Harry bit his lip and thought about where he should start.

He knows that he should grovel an apology, but it was awkward enough as it is.

Harry has been thinking about this moment where he should explain everything to the smallest detail. They all deserved to know, and Harry was wrong to think that they never meant anything to him because they do.

They were the first people to accept him and not get absolutely shit scared.

He sat up straight and looked at them with so much seriousness he can muster.

"I love Louis and I never stopped." He admitted, eyes pleading for them to believe.

Niall was about to open his mouth to probably say something against it but Liam was to send him a glare.

"Not another word Horan, let him finish."

Everyone in the room knew Liam was too kind and too forgiving so when he's the one who's sending out the glares and the annoyed looks then it means business.

You need to shut up when the nicest person you know is starting to get pissed.

But Harry was truly grateful for the opportunity to explain even if he knew that they weren't obligated to hear him out.

"I know that I've hurt him, and he doesn't deserve it especially from me, but I was hurting too."

It turns out it wasn't the words Niall wanted to hear as he quickly stood up and threw the ice pack on the couch. "That's it, I'm out of here."

Harry should just really get to the point and he did.

"I got tangled up with the wrong people." he rushed to say without looking up from where he was playing with his fingers.

"What?" Niall stopped mid walk and stared at Harry in confusion, the same with Liam who suddenly looked worried as he shared a look with Zayn.

Zayn had zero expression on his face but listened.

The nod that Zayn gave him was his cue to continue. "After I was expelled from school and you guys were finishing finals, I joined another illegal underground fight." He told them.

He felt like a child waiting to be reprimanded.

"What the fuck Harry?"

Niall already made it a point that he shouldn't give a shit about Harry based on how he reacted the first time he saw him, but he was also the first to looked surprised and disappointed with him, an emotion that a person who hated you shouldn't feel.

"I just wanted to save enough money for Louis' graduation gift, I tried really hard to find a part time job, but no one would hire me. I knew it was the only way to earn easy money and I didn't tell you guys because I know you would go against it."

Harry knew he was an idiot back then, there are night where he used to lie awake and think of what could have happened if he just stayed at home or sneaked back in school to be with Louis rather than go into that fight.

Would they have a different story to tell and not as fucked up as it was today?

"People die on those fights Harry of course we would go against it." Liam replied to him with a grim expression.

Harry nodded because he knew of that reality, the danger of fighting in an illegal ring, drunk violent people betting over people to beat each other up and most cases those fight ended with a person dying. Louis had cried to him when he found out that Harry used to go and made him promise to never participate in such a bloody fight.

Harry still felt so guilty at having broken his promise to him and the worst part was he never even knew that he lied.

Harry decided to continue his long and overdue explanation.

"I was fine, the fight was easy, and I won but someone approached me after. Offered me a job to be a pro boxer and I knew that it was shady because the only people who would go into illegal underground fights to recruit are dangerous ones."

It wasn't the first time Harry was approached by someone interested to recruit him, but he was fooled by the offer, the way they boast about the money, the fame and the success.

Harry wanted it because his future is not only his alone now, it's for him and Louis. That's how far ahead he was thinking that it was nearing crazy.

"You accepted the offer." It wasn't a question but a statement from Niall.

Harry nodded before dropping his gaze from the judgement clouding his friends' eyes. "I did, I was a high school dropout. No chances of getting into university or a community college. I didn't want to be unemployed and being pro means, I can make something of myself."

"You didn't even think about consulting to someone about the contract?" Liam muttered in disbelief.

Zayn mentioned it while they were on their way to the office how Liam passed the board exam and how Niall was recently signed as an artist and is in the process of recording an album.

Harry was elated about the news and wanted to hug Niall and Liam in congratulatory but the glare from Niall and the uneasy look on Liam made him not to.

It seems Liam was able to pursue his dream of becoming a lawyer. The disbelief and worry all over his face meant that he had vast knowledge about law binding contracts. Harry always made fun of Liam when they were in school about how a lawyer wouldn't not suit him just like it wouldn't suit Louis. Lawyers are known to be intimidating vultures and between Louis' shy demeanor and Liam's puppy dog eyes, they were far from intimidating.

Niall was a great singer, always belting out a song if the chance is given and Harry gave him the idea of trying out to be a professional singer, but Niall only shrugged it off saying it wasn't an actual job, but Harry begged to differ.

Harry was so proud at what his friends have achieved so far even if he wasn't there to witness such achievements.

"I was so happy about the opportunity that it didn't even cross my mind to read it."

"Was it legally binding?" Liam asked in clarification.

"I was surprised that it was." Harry shrugged which was met by a shake of disapproval from Liam.

Niall looked just as disapproving as Liam, but he has a question nagging on his mind which was still unclear. "How did that even end up from you leaving Louis?" he decided to ask after Harry kept suddenly quiet.

"They said I can't be gay." Harry murmured, a little furious and mad about the particular conversation with that manager.

The disgust lacing his tone when Harry mentioned about having a boyfriend and the threats that came flooding in.

"What!?" Niall shouted in disbelief. "How the fuck can you stop being gay? Do they think that it's a disease that can be cured and then bam you're straight again?"

Harry would have laughed at Niall's overreaction, but he knew he really shouldn't.

It was a rather sensitive topic especially to a sport like boxing where people expect that the people they watch to fight are straight muscled men filled with steroids.

The amount of ridicule and homophobia that a gay boxer usually received is a lot and expect a lot of negative press.

It was the 20th century and people are still homophobic as fuck.

"But did you really break up with Louis so that you can pursue your career? That's pretty selfish." Liam instigated as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

The statement made Harry rise from his seat in anger.

"Of course not! If I would choose between my life and Louis, I'd choose his." Harry scoffed.

Zayn was quick to stand in front of Liam, staring at Harry in warning, his eyes sending a message to Harry 'To back the fuck off Liam or I will break your hand' look.

Harry groaned and just sat back down at the seat he was previously occupying.

He didn't want any more misunderstanding, so he quickly explained his side of the story.

"Louis got accepted to university, his dad finally let him pursue his medical career and he chose the most prestigious medical school in the country and I was very proud of him." Harry said with a small sad smile.

It was a far memory but the elated feeling of watching your beloved success in life felt like a drug, the happiness was contagious because his achievement felt like his own.

"We were all proud of him." Niall added firmly, recalling the memory as well. They all got drunk that day, even Louis which was his first, so it was pretty memorable for Niall.

Harry suddenly chuckled darkly as he closed his eyes to lean on the chair for support. All the happy memory vanishing replaced by the terrible ones.

"That fucking manager was a complete fucker, I was going to get sued when I refused the contract and I didn't give a shit. I would go to jail instead of breaking up with Louis." He admitted.

The other people in the room didn't react nor speak as they watched Harry get frustrated by merely remembering the past.

"He had connections after connections and he threatened me to not only ruin my life but also Louis'."

Harry turned to Zayn who has been quiet the whole conversation, letting all the information sink into Liam and Niall "You probably know the guy already right Zayn?" he asked.

Zayn had his lip in a flat lie before he nodded and answered. "He was imprisoned last year for drug and human trafficking. That's when I finally uncover the whole reason you suddenly left."

"That's messed up." Niall commented with a frown.

It wasn't just messed up, it was fucked up.

Harry's life started to go downwards, and he couldn't do anything about it, he just kept sinking, drowning and his friends weren't even aware, so they couldn't save him.

"He had people at the university Louis picked to go to and he threatened to ruin Louis' chances of getting in and passing." He turned to Liam. "He was also a shareholder at the firm that Louis' dad was working on and he gave me a detailed story on how it was easy to frame Louis' dad of corruption where he might get sent to prison."

They were quiet once again, watching as Harry tried to pull himself together.

"I didn't want to leave Louis, I really didn't want to hurt him but by staying with him would hurt him more." Harry muttered under his breath.

He closed his eyes at the memory of hurt and confusion in Louis' face when Harry talked to him about breaking up.

"I agreed to what they want just as long as they leave Louis and his family alone. They agreed but only if I lose all contact with him."

For Harry, it was still one of the most painful decision he made. Leaving Louis without an explanation and disposing any means of contact.

He couldn't sleep at night or properly train as his heart felt like it was being ripped to pieces, wondering if Louis was okay. Wondering if Louis was still waiting for him to come back and tell him that it was just a joke.

Everyone was quiet, Niall was sat quiet on the sofa, angrily pressing on the bruise on his knuckles, angry at himself because he let his feelings and anger get the better of him and now Harry has a broken heart and a bruise on his face.

Liam was leaning next to Zayn as he watched their friend try to stop himself from breaking down, he felt sorry that Harry had to go through it alone, the pain he must be feeling is unbearable.

Zayn felt angry at himself as well, he should have acted since the day he found out the connection between Harry's old manager and him leaving quickly but he knew better than to meddle. It was easy to investigate and find the truth behind the problem but acting on it and trying to fix his two friends were never his own to handle.

Harry and Louis need to fix themselves first before they can try to fix their relationship.

"Why didn't you tell me." Came from a voice that no one expected.

The four of the whipped their heads at the door where a livid looking Louis stands wearing his hospital shrubs after his duty at the orphanage.

Harry was sat frozen and wide eyed at Louis.

"Louis!" Niall quickly sat up to go over his friend.

"How long were you standing there?" Liam asked in shock as well, looking between Harry and Louis who seems to be having an epic stare down.

"Can you guys leave us for a minute." Louis muttered without breaking eye contact with Harry.

Zayn nodded in understanding before placing his hands on Liam's back and guiding him out the door.

Zayn stopped next to Niall who had a worried frown on his face.

"Come on Niall." He whispered before pulling the man out of the office and carefully closing the door behind them.

Harry was left flustered in his seat.

How long was Louis hiding just outside the door, how much have he heard? What did he hear!?

"Lou-" Harry started but was quickly cut off when Louis stomped his way inside, standing just a few feet in front of Harry.

Eyes showing some hints of tears but expression stormy.

"You could have told me." It was said in a whisper, but the heaviness of Louis' words was like a stab in Harry's heart.

Harry was the first to take his eyes off each other. He couldn't bear see the pain and anger in Louis, he doesn't know if he can stop himself from pulling Louis closer to him, hugging him and begging for forgiveness even if he knew that he should.

Harry was not used to Louis showing any emotion other than pure anger or plainly ignoring that Harry ever existed.

Tears should never appear on Louis blue eyes, they are supposed to crinkly in happiness behind thick rimmed glasses and shine with love directed to Harry, not this.

"I can't"

Louis finally exploded. "Why the hell not!?"

Harry knew he deserved the pain, so he stared back at Louis directly in the eye.

"Because it would have been easier for you to forget if you hated me. If you knew the truth you would start blaming yourself and I can't have that."

It seems Louis wasn't having that half assed explanation from Harry.

"There are choices Harry!" he exclaimed.

"No there's not!" Harry stood up in his seat, leveling Louis with a look. "Because It's either I leave the person I care about the most or be sent to prison while he torments your life." He continued.

Louis closed his mouth and didn't say a thing, looking at Harry's expression if there was an inch of lie to this whole story.

It didn't make sense to him it hurts him that he found out by sneaking around. How Harry never had the guts to say it in front of his face, how their friends were the first to know and he was going to be left clueless if he didn't wander around the orphanage looking for them.

But there was a part of the whole story that doesn't fall right to Louis which is why he made his presence known.

"Zayn said he was arrested last year." He cryptically adds.

Harry nodded, unsure to where the conversation was going. "He was."

Louis only looked at him dead in the eye. "You had a whole year and a half to talk to me and explain, why didn't you?"

The question took Harry aback, he fumbled on words, trying to explain but he knew where Louis was going from. He knew that it has been a year that he was freed from a manipulative contract and that he immediately quit boxing after. He ended up being an MMA fighter where he immediately came out as gay to his new agent and demanded that he will not be hiding his sexuality any time soon.

Harry's new agent Jerry couldn't care less of Harry liked sucking dicks as long as he wins his fights which unsurprisingly, he did.

There was little to no commotion about his coming out in MMA, there had been numerous openly gay fighters and the only times Harry had encountered any prejudice was during his fights, where bigheaded fighters would want to boast about their manliness and how they belittle his skills.

But there was nothing Harry can come up to explain why he didn't have the courage to seek Louis, he was afraid to find the truth. He was scared that if he tries to look for Louis then he'll see how happy he is now and by him barging on his life would ruin it.

"I thought that you could have moved on from then."

It became clear that the Louis Harry was with is not the Louis before as he watched how the man angrily grabbed his hair in frustration, as if waiting for impending boom.

"Bullshit! Does it look like I've moved on?" Tears brimming on his eyes and Harry wanted to wipe them away, to stop them from even falling but he knew that if he touched Louis, he would get rejected so he stood still.

"Lou-" Harry felt his heart breaking when again when Louis refused to listen to him more.

"No – you're right, you are absolutely right. I should just move on because that's what you have wanted." Louis laughed almost in a mad man manner, like everything was a joke and it was the funniest thing in the world.

"Listen I –"

He couldn't even finish what he was saying because Louis' eyes were piercing him, stopping him mid-sentence.

"I blamed myself for years Harry." Louis started, fake laughter now gone and replaced by quiet anger and hurt. Harry wasn't sure what was more painful. "You disappeared, without explanation and I thought it was because of me. I tried to change, I became more outgoing because maybe you were bored. I made a lot of friends but still did well in my studies in hope that you will come back and want me again."

The pain on Louis' eyes were evident, enough to make him choke.

Harry didn't know that.

He didn't know what Louis have gone through and only knows about his own pain. All the years that passed and he never did try and apologize directly to Louis because he was scared.

He was just so fucking scared, terrified of finding out the results of his consequences and poorly thought actions.

Harry cried as he landed on his knees in front of Louis, tired, hurt, broken and spent.

"I never stopped Lou." He pleaded.

Louis didn't speak for a moment and Harry waited with batter breath on what he was going to say next.

"That's what hurts more." Louis whispered brokenly. "You saying you love me but never did anything more to prove it."

And before Harry can say anything back, Louis was already walking away leaving him in the empty room.

~*~

A/N: Hope you enjoy the update! I worked my ass off for it!