This isn't for attention or anything. Its just, I'm trying to get some old feelings off my chest to get past the past. I feel like I'm being chained down by it. Sinking deeper into a restless sea and not allowed to breath. I'm happy when I don't think about things, especially the past, but surpressing and running away for it has only torn me down more. Most people wouldn't notice. I'm just a girl humming or spinning in the hallways. Book always in hand. Smiling practically ever ten minutes, even with braces. So... I don't know how to word this. But I'll try my best.

I have depressing suicidal thoughts. This is not a self harm story. Though I came close the other day. I had set down my razor and before I knew what I was doing, just listening and believing dark thoughts, like all I do is hurt people and everyone would be better if I was gone, I raised it and held the razor to the skin of my pale wrist. I looked at it, wondering what I was thinking and put the razor away. When I walked back to my room unharmed, the thoughts came flooding back and I remembered why.

When I don't understand things, like I mentioned in the last chapter, I look thinks up until I understand practically how to be that person, an example is transgender or, in this case, depressed or suicidal. I was only doing research so I could understand a character that captured my heart and soul, Theodore Finch, from All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. It could also help me understand more of the girl from the book Thirteen Reasons Why. My music doesn't even fit me. I'm this happy bright person who listens to songs like Teenagers by My Chemical Romance and Better Off Dead by Sleeping With Sirens. If I just live in the moment and don't think too much when I'm alone, not letting myself feel unresolved feelings from the past so I won't dissolve into darkness, then I fool myself as well as everyone else.

I'm not faking. I genuinely am happy when I laugh or smile at people. In the moment, I am happy. In the moment. But even that's starting to slip away now. I can't fully be okay now, in the present. I get, angry or I shut down real easily. I'm talking to people less and less. I had stopped eating lunch, only having a small snack by myself. I didn't want to burden those I care for. They were better without me. If I wasn't around I couldn't hurt them. There was no chance of me making the light fall from their eyes or the smile to leave their lips . . .

Ever since I was little I've known my purpose in life was to make people happy. I believed that I was my miscarriage two year older sister and came back because I didn't want my parents to be in such heartbreaking pain. I thought friend Kat was upset one time when she was at our friends house. So I wrapped my arms around her and held her gentle and as comforting as I could. She said with a laugh that my superpower was comforting people. I'm strong for everyone else, I stop itching my arms, which is actually one of the beginnings of self harm. Wish I head known when I started that before Kindergarten. My Mom and Grandma would do nothing but fight. Young me didn't feel like she was needed, like she had somehow caused this to be a broken family, Zeus knows she always screamed at me what a nuisance I was. So, I'd dig my nails into my arms, stomach, anywhere. Not caring how much it showed or how much I bleed out. It helped me escape. I deserved it anyway, I didn't deserve anything but pain. Dark thoughts for such a young kid huh? Story of my life. Bad things happen to good people.

I only realized at the beginning of this week, the day before Halloween, that my past and some of my current behavior fits the beginnings of depression.
As a kid: I chopped all my hair off until it was just below my ears. You could say I'm just over analysing this, that I was being a kid, and there was no way I did that sudden change because I was going into the dark of depression. I just have one question. *tilts head looking at chu curiously* Did you have depressing thoughts like, 'I deserve this,' when your Mom was hitting you? Or from a young age you didn't care how much blood you e you thought everything would be alright and become great for your Mom and Grandma if you just weren't there anymore?

In eighth grade on the last month of school I got lost in my own head for the first time. My best friend was over. She was texting and I was conflating death. I just, knew know one would miss me if I'm gone. I'm that one invisible kid at your school that's there, if they missed a day know one would notice, and if they spoke know one would listen or hear them. That unseen. I don't know how to explain the thoughts so I just state a few. I can't help but wonder how many people recognize these...

Unimportant. . .

No meaning. . .

Useless. . .

Waist of space. . .

Not worth the air you breath. . .

No one will miss you if you disappeared. . .

If you were gone . . .
If you never existed . . .
No one would notice or care because . . .
You don't matter. And you never will.

It hurt, and to be honest, it terrified me. Those thoughts were true. How had I not realized just how much of a waste I am? It still scares me because I know its the truth.
If my best friend of two years hadn't been there, my Dad was asleep, he wouldn't of known, I could of just grabbed the next sharp thing and have at it.

Now, I know more about self harm due to much research. I know the most quick ways to die and the methods more likely to lead you to a hospital instead of in a coffin 10 feet below. Just, I remember vital things for self harm and suicide. I didn't even mean to memorize them! Like, the least harmful the method of suicide the most likely it won't be fatal, and the best places to end it all with a blade are the vain near an ankle, the wrists, and the neck. Would you believed I learned that last one from a fan fiction? I fact checked to make sure but yes, its true if it doesn't pass your common sense, sorry if this sounded mean, I'm not trying to make anyone feel dumb. *looks down chewing lower lip*

This isn't about the best way to self harm or commit suicide though. I'm trying to put out there, that, know matter the person, Jock, highest scoring student in school, video name nerd, or Sunshine, all people feel depressed at one time or another. The world may be hurting like hell and life's a bitch. But, here's something I learned from Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I'm both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
"Not anything specific really. They just knew. And I think that's all you can ask for in a friend."
"I don't know what's wrong with me. Its like all I can do is keep writing this gibberish to keep from breaking apart."
"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we came from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."
"Enjoy it because it's happening."
"Maybe it's okay to put things I'm perspective, because sometimes, I think the only perspective is to really be there. Like Sam sad. Because its okay to feel things. And be who you are about them."
"Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough."

Everyone is capable of taking to pieces. Even the strongest of people have their breaking point. Don't believe just because someone jokes all the time that their life is nothing but laughs. Know one goes through life unscaved, banged up, bruised or beat up. It'll hit you down when you feel you can't go any fathers down the hell that has become your life. Just, remember one thing. For every bad thing, a good will come your way. Just, hold out for that good. You're strong enough. You'll make it. I believe in you. Just wait out the rainstorm for the sun to come out. I will if you do. Pinkie promise. *holds pinkie out smiling gently*

Yes, I'm a sixteen year old Junior in Highschool girl who still makes pinkie promises.
I thought we already established I'm a weirdo rainbow bunny. XD

I wrote this to get it out of my system. I'm working on getting better. I'm going to talk to my schools therapist so I can talk out and get through the emotions I suppressed from things that happened a long time ago. But, this is also mainly for you guys. I hope this puts I'm perspective that you're not alone. That these feeling and emotions you feel aren't because you're a freak of nature. But you can't go through everything alone. Talk to someone you trust. Or even keep a journal dedicated to get the things bothering you off your chest, like I also plan on doing.
And if you're not depressed, try to understand that know matter how hard a time someone is going through, a friend or just someone you pass in the halls. Understand that they didn't ask for this, they don't want to feel like the earth will never be steady below. Its a battle they're fighting and barely surviving. Don't make it worse by saying they don't have any reason to want to die, they have no reason to want to just disappear, to not burden their friends by talking about the hell they're going through. Feeling you're not good enough and not worth the air you breath, its a helplessness that comes out of know where and holds on to you, trying to take away the light behind your eyes. Just, if you don't know the person, go up and try and be there for them. If your too scared of freaking them out, like I would be, just, give them a smile. Maybe leave them a note saying they're not as alone as they feel. I know it might seem very small and insignificant, but sometimes its the smallest things that give people enough strength to make it another day.

I'm still here, and I'm still grateful, because otherwise I would be missing this. Sometimes it's good to be awake.
"So not today," I sang. "Because she smiled at me."
-Theodore Finch, All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven.