Chapter 09

When he left, I was wondering what I would do if he came back. Will I slap him? Will I welcome him with a hug? What would I feel after seeing him again? After those years that he didn't show up, should I be happy? 

I already had plans on what I would do in case I'd see him, but everything seemed blurry when I heard what Amber said. 

I planned to ignore him. Walk past him like he's an air. Treat him like a stranger to me. Casually talk to him. Those are my plans. At baka nga magawa ko pa ang mga plano kong 'yan. 

Babalik siya? Bakit pa? Hindi na ba siya masaya roon? Hindi na ba sapat ang pagstay niya roon para bumalik siya? 

After I heard what Amber said, I left the cafeteria without saying a word. I didn't finish my food, but I don't care. I was so eager to leave the cafeteria without any word. I wasn't sure if Niara explained to Kynch why I left. It's not my concern anymore. 

Nang marinig kong babalik siya ay bumigat na agad ang damdamin ko. I know that there'll be a possibility that he'll go home, knowing Javion will be racing this year. But why only this year? Not those past months that he's gone. 

Napadpad ako sa garden ng school namin. It was quite there, and all I can see is some students who are lying under the tree. Ang iba ay gumagawa ng mga assignments, activities, at kung ano man ang kailangan nilang gawin. 

"Hi, Prim." Bati ng isang babae nang madaanan ko sila. 

I smiled and waved my hand to greet back. I didn't utter words because I wasn't in the mood. Pumuwesto ako malayo sa kanila, nasa sulok ako, kung nasaan ang malaking puno ng Acacia. I placed my bag on the ground and sat down on the grass. Sinandal ko ang likod sa puno at tumingala. 

Mataas ang sikat ng araw dahil nga tanghali na. Pero dahil sa puno, hindi ko ramdam ang init ng sikat ng araw. Maraming studyante ang tumatakbo na nakita ko, hinahabol yata ang susunod nilang klase. I sighed and closed my eyes as I felt the wind hugging me. 

Gusto ko ulit umiyak, pero hindi ko magawa. Siguro ay napagod na ang mata ko kakaiyak sa taong hindi ko alam kung pinahalagahan ba ako o pinaglaruan lang ako. 

Ano ba ako sa kaniya? Girlfriend for experience? Girlfriend na kaya niyang iwan dahil alam niyang mapapatawad ko siya at tatanggapin pabalik? Did he treat me as his girlfriend, or was I his girlfriend because it's convenient? 

I have a lot of questions in my mind. I want answers, yet I hope I won't cross paths with him. Ayaw ko rin siyang makita. Alam ko kasi na isang tingin niya lang ay natatanga na naman ako. Alam niyang kahinaan ko siya, kaya kung maaari lang ay ayaw ko siyang makita. Ayaw ko siyang makasalubong o makausap. 

Baka magmakaawa ako, na ibalik namin sa dati ang lahat. Baka umiyak ako at sabihing mahal ko pa siya. Baka masabi kong handa akong patawarin siya dahil mahal ko siya kahit na ang gago ng ginawa niya sa akin. 

Bumalik na lang siya kapag okay na 'ko. Huwag lang ngayon dahil hindi pa humihilom ang mga sugat na iniwan nila. Puwede naman siyang bumalik, kapag hindi ko na makikita ang sarili kong magmamakaawa sa kaniya. 

After all, I still love him, and he's still in my heart. I never stopped loving him and hoping that he'd come back into my arms. Ang hirap niyang kalimutan, mahal ko, e. Gano'n kalakas ang epekto n'on sa akin. 

At kung babalik man siya, sana handa siyang sagutin lahat ng ibabato kong tanong sa kaniya. Huwag na lamang siyang magpakita sa akin kung hindi niya kayang sagutin ang mga tanong ko. 

A part of me doesn't want to see him because it still hurts, and there's a part of me that wants to see him and talk to him. I want closure. I want him to answer all the questions I have inside my mind. 

Because I know that when I'll be knowing the truth, I'll move forward and I'll be okay. Hindi na ako magmamakaawa na balikan niya ako. Magiging ayos na rin ako kapag nalaman ko ang rason. Mababaw man o hindi, tatanggapin ko 'yon. 

Sana nga masabi niya mismo sa harap ko kung ano ba'ng dahilan bakit kailangan niya akong iwanan nang walang paalam. Umaasa ako na mabibigyan ng linaw lahat sa akin, para naman umayos na ako. 

I want him to clear everything. I want him to tell me every single detail about why he left me when we were okay. It will be a funny scene if he doesn't answer me. I hope he won't avoid it because I might lose my patience and punch him even though I loved him. 

If someone would ask if I still love him, I would answer yes. That's it. But on a deeper level, I would say I still love him despite what he did. I would always hope that he's in a good state and he's taking care of himself like he used to do to me. I hope that he's always okay. We may not have ended in a good way, but I still pray and hope that he's getting the treatment he deserves. 

I hope that if love finds him again, it will be genuine and not draining. I hope it doesn't affect his mental health and that someone will allow him to explore things. I hope that she loves him more than I did. I hope she won't forget to show how Constantine deserves to be loved and to be seen. I hope she won't leave him in darkness because he hates it. 

He hates being left, yet he left me without saying goodbye. Walang email o liham man lang, na makakatulong na maibsan 'yong sakit. I didn't receive anything from him. Even a small explanation from his cousins. Siguro pinagsabihan niya ang mga 'yon na huwag sabihin sa akin kung saan siya pupunta at bakit kailangan niyang umalis.

I saw how Alicia badly wants to talk and approach me, but I also see hesitations. Hindi niya tinutuloy at okay na rin 'yon. Kung noon, mas gusto ko na marinig mula sa kanila ang katotohanan, ngayon ay mas gusto kong marinig ang katotohanan mula kay Constantine. 

Isang araw para sa paliwanag niya. Sapat na 'yon. Kailangan ko lang naman malaman 'yong rason niya, pagkatapos n'on ay wala na. Papakawalan ko na siya at hindi ko na siya hahabulin. Tatapusin ko na kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko sa kaniya. 

Iyon ang tama, hindi ba? Iyon ang nararapat na gawin. To let go and to move forward. To not go back on what hurt you. To not be available to the people who drain you. To not be someone who'll let people enter your life again after causing you damage. 

I'm done with it... And I'm surely done with those stressful and toxic lives. I wish I hadn't done the things I'm regretting now—I let them drain me until I almost lost myself—which I laugh about if I remember it. 

It was funny how it went, but it hurt so much when I saw how happy they were when I was left alone inside a room, crying and looking for a light that could light my darkness. 

And if I find that someone who will be the light in my darkness and help me pull out from it, I hope he does it well. I don't want another heartbreak. Constantine is enough. My family is enough. 

And I hope the love that will find me will be gentle, genuine, and full of love. It was a gentle love from Constantine, but it wasn't that gentle enough that he broke me into pieces, and I was having a hard time putting myself back. 

"Are you still hoping that he'll come back for you?"

Nagmulat ako ng mata at lumingon sa taong nagsalita. He's wearing our school's uniform; behind was a printed text of their course. Hinahangin ang buhok naming dalawa dahil sa hangin. 

Was I hoping? No. He'll come back for his family, not for me. He'll go home for his family, not for me. Uuwi siya ng Pinas para sa kanila at hindi para sa akin dahil sino nga ba ako sa buhay niya? 

Isang ex na lamang. Isang babaeng minahal niya at sinaktan niya nang sobra. Bakit siya babalik para lamang sa akin? Kahit huwag na siyang bumalik kung para lamang sa akin. 

But I hope he will come back to me, explain, and fix everything that happened. I am hoping that he'll explain things to me. I am hoping for the impossible things to happen. 

"No," I replied.

Because honestly, I don't want to see or hear his name anymore. But I still miss his presence. The warmth of his embrace, his words of affirmation, those gentle kisses on my forehead. I miss everything about him. 

Yet, I don't want him to come back just for me. I want him to go back to his family and prioritize them.

Ang gulo ng utak ko. Hindi ko na maintindihan kung ano nga ba ang gusto ko. Gusto ko siyang makita na hindi. Alam ko naman, kasi kung ano ang mangyayari kung sakali mang makita ko siya. Baka magmakaawa ako na bumalik siya sa akin, kahit na ang gusto ko lamang ay ang totoo. 

"Siya pa rin ba?" he asked, a small smile plastered on his lips. 

I chuckled. "Siguro? Hindi ko naman masasabing siya pa rin, e. Kasi ang alam ko hinihintay ko siyang bumalik para linawin sa akin lahat," I replied. "Gusto ko lang marinig mula sa kaniya, 'yong totoong dahilan bakit niya ako kailangan iwanan nang walang paalam." 

Pero iyon nga ba ang totoo? 

Hopefully, yes.

That's the truth. 

"Mahal mo pa rin, Prim, pero ayaw mong aminin kasi nasasaktan ka." 

I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Mahal ko pa rin, Kynch. Hindi naman nawala. Pero sa mga araw na lumilipas, habang wala siya sa tabi ko... Napapalitan 'yon ng galit. Napapalitan 'yon ng sakit. Hindi na yata pagmamahal ang nararamdaman ko, puro sakit na yata." 

I laughed to cover my breaking voice. Masakit pa rin hanggang ngayon. Kasi paano niya nagawang iwanan ako? Paano siya nakaalis ng bansa na para bang wala siyang naiwang tao? Paano niya nakayanang umalis nang hindi ko alam?

When I was supposed to know he was leaving, he didn't inform me. I assumed that the dinner was already his farewell. I should've noticed it, right? But I was too blind to even notice it. I love him so much that I didn't think that he could hurt me and broke me most unexpectedly. 

"Galit ka sa kaniya," he stated. I nodded and opened my eyes. "Pero hindi mo magawang siraan sa mga kakilala mo." 

"Kasi ganoon naman dapat, 'di ba? After everything he did, I still protect his name. I still chose to save him even though he broke me," I replied. "Hindi naman ako ganoong klaseng tao na sisiraan siya dahil lamang iniwan niya 'ko." 

God knows how much I am mad at him, but He also knows that I didn't badmouth him even though he left. I protected his name from my brother for those two years. I did my best to cover up everything, because ayaw kong masira ang pangalan niya sa kanilang lahat... Only to find out that what they said was true. 

"Gago 'yang si Ajax, Prim, humanap ka na lang ng iba kasi," Shiloh said seriously. 

I'm having lunch with Alys and him since we're all in the same strand. ABM kaming tatlo at hindi na naman napaghiwalay. We're already in grade eleven, and ewan ko ba sa dalawang 'to, kung nasaan ako ay nandoon din sila. 

"Bakit, nasubukan mo na?" Alys joked. 

Shiloh rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Bali-balita lang. Naririnig ko sa iba na gago raw 'yan," he stated. "Kung ayaw mo siyang mabugbog ng Kuya mo, itigil niyo na 'yan." 

I rolled my eyes. "Shiloh, I know you're protecting me, but he's a good man naman. He's not gago like how you describe him," I remarked. 

Kumunot ang noo ni Shiloh at ibinaba ang kutsara't tinidor bago ako tinignan. "Kung pinaiyak ka ng lalaking 'yan, sana hindi ka magsisi na sinabihan kita," sabi niya at nagpatuloy sa pagkain. 

Natutop ko ang labi dahil sa kaniyang sinabi. Ngumuso ako at nagpatuloy sa pagkain. Tumingin lang ito sa akin bago tinuon ang pansin sa pagkain niya. Si Alys naman ay nakatingin lamang sa amin, pinapanood kami at walang masabi. 

Dahil sa katahimikan niya, pinuna agad iyon ni Shiloh. "Wala ka bang sasabihin?" He asked her. 

Alys raised a brow before wiping the side of her lips. "What he said," she replied. 

Napairap na lang ako sa kawalan at hindi na sila pinansin. Nagpatuloy kami sa pagkain, nag-uusap din tungkol sa subjects na maraming activities. 

"Sa business math lang ako nahihirapan kanina sa summative test," Alys said, pouting her lips. 

Shiloh flicked his finger on her forehead. "Binubulungan na kita, hindi ka nakikinig." 

"Paano kita haharapin, e nakatingin sa akin si Ma'am!" 

Pinanood ko silang magbangayan. Tinanong pa nila ako kung ano ang sagot sa isang number. Kung magbangayan sila ay akala mo tama ang sagot nila, pero mali naman ang ginawa nila. Nagsolve sila roon sa number na 'yon kahit hindi naman na dapat dahil nandoon na rin ang sagot kaya magkaiba ang nakuha nila. 

Well, the three of us were academic achievers. Minsan, pangalan pa naming tatlo ang nagbabaliktad sa honor list. Minsan, nangunguna ako, sinusundan ni Shiloh, at pumapangatlo si Alys. Kung minsan naman ay nangunguna si Shiloh, sinusundan ko at si Alys. Gano'n lang ang cycle. 

Maraming gustong kumaibigan sa akin—sa amin, pero ayaw namin. Alam naman namin kung bakit. Kaming tatlo ang top sa klase at alam naman naming lumalapit lang sila o gusto nila kaming kaibiganin para mahila sila pataas. 

My eyes twinkled when I saw Constantine walking towards our table together with one of his cousins. It's Javion, the man who has a crush on Alys, but Alys was crushing on my cousin, Niara. 

"Hi," he greeted my friends before kissing my forehead. "Have you eaten?" 

I nodded. "We're done. You're so tagal," pagrereklamo ko. 

He chuckled as he took the seat beside me, making Shiloh scoff silently and roll his eyes. I just shook my head at what he did because I knew that he was just worried about me. I know that too. 

Constantine is a heartthrob, and he is being called by names. Natawag siyang babaero, manggagamit, manloloko, gago, player, at kung anu-ano pa. I didn't believe those words when he confessed his feelings to me. I just let him prove himself to me. 

I want to know him by myself, not because of the people around us. I want them to know that Constantine is different from what they're calling him. My brother and my friends were bothered because of what we kept hearing. 

Basta Adler daw kasi ay gago. 

Sana hindi naman. I don't want to disappoint my brother and my friends. I want to prove to them that he's different from what they call him. He had a lot of girls, but they were all flings—he said—that I believed because he wasn't into commitments before he confessed. He was flirting there, flirting here—everywhere. 

Platonic flirting. He told me that. I didn't believe him at first because it was obvious that he was flirting with them, not in a platonic way but in a way that a woman would fold and fall. I didn't believe him until there's a part of me that was convinced that he was not flirting with them romantically. 

Walang nababalita na ex niya dahil puro lamang siya landi. Ako ang una niyang girlfriend at alam ng lahat dito sa school 'yon—pwera na lang sa pamilya ko—halos lahat ay alam na kami na. 

My family knows that Constantine was just courting me, but hindi nila alam na kami na rin. Ayaw ko pang sabihin sa kanila dahil hindi pa naman ako handa na harapin ang mga sasabihin nila. 

I'm scared. 

I am deeply scared of what might happen. 

So it's better to keep it. 

Pero maitatago ko nga ba 'yon? Kung alam ng lahat na kami na. Hindi rin malabong makarating 'yon sa pamilya ko...dahil ako na nga ang nag-iisang babaeng anak. Kilalang-kilala ang parents ko rito sa school, paano kasi? Nagdo-donate sila palagi para sa mga new buildings na pinapatayo. Lagi rin silang present sa lahat ng mga event dito. 

Dito rin kasi sila grumaduate, kaya hindi malabong kilala sila ng mga teachers or mga estudyante rito. My family is famous because of their influence, our business, and because their son is my brother—Simon Clarence Andrada, who has loved racing ever since. 

Nasa college department 'yon, malayo rito sa senior high school department, kaya hindi ako natatakot na malaman niyang kami na ni Constantine. Hindi rin naman kasi kumakalat sa college department kung ano man ang nagaganap dito sa senior high school department. 

What happens in SHS stays in SHS—'yon ang kasabihan naming lahat. Pero sa college, umaabot sa amin ang mga isyu na nangyayari. Mayroon pang isyu na kumalat na involved ang Kuya ko dahil sa babae. 

Nag-away raw 'yung dalawang babae dahil sa kaniya. Pero hindi iyon pinagtuunan ng pansin ni Kuya dahil wala naman siyang pakialam doon. Mayroon na siyang ate Sachi. Hindi na 'yon maghahanap ng iba. 

"Hoy, sigurado ka na ba kay Constantine?" Tanong ni Alys, isang araw na magkasama kami rito sa oval. 

Umirap ako sa tanong niya. "Para kang si Shiloh," bagot kong sabi. 

Ngumuso siya at iniwas ang tingin sa akin. "Marami pa namang iba kasi riyan, Prim. Grade twelve rin, pero ewan ko ba sa 'yo at si Ajax ang nagustuhan mo," she said. "Nandiyan naman si Arkanghel, bakit hindi na lang siya?" 

Bumulong pa siya na hindi ko rin naman naintindihan dahil sa ingay ng paligid. I just shook my head and smiled. 

I know that they're protecting me from hurting, but what can I do? I love Constantine. I love him to the point I regret not listening to my friends.