Atifa's pov: 

The pain felt unbearable. It felt too much. It felt like something was prickling my heart, making me restless. It felt like someone took my heart out and shredded it into little pieces before putting it back in its place. 

I wondered why it hurted so much. I wondered what my mistake was. And I wondered if every person who lost their closed ones felt the same, went through the same pain. It broke my heart a little more every time I thought of those who might have felt the same pain or who might have had to go through the same thing. 

It especially broke my heart when I thought of the pain our beloved prophet Muhammad S.A.W. might have gone through when he lost his beloved wife. He loved her so much and yet he had to let go of her. He had to live without her for the rest of his life. How hard must it be for him? How much pain did he have to endure in his life? He even lost his mother at a young age. And he didn't get to meet his father even for once. He lost his grandfather just a few years after losing his mother. Did he not lose almost everyone close to him? How… how did he even endure that pain? 

Just thinking about it clenched my heart as an unknown pain tugged at it, engulfing me in its folds. Was this the pain which ammi had to go through when she lost abbu? Was this the same pain which I felt when we lost abbu? I- I wasn't sure. The pain, those painful moments had become just that. A distant memory. And even if I tried to think about it, to recall, I couldn't bring myself to feel the same thing once again. 

Even if it was the same pain, this one felt much more intense. It felt much more surreal. And I wondered, I wondered what was more painful. Losing someone forever and knowing that they won't ever be back, or losing someone with time and not knowing if we would ever be able to meet them. 

Maybe… Just maybe, losing someone with time was much more painful because we wouldn't even be able to know if they were alright or not. Or if they were even alive or not. Because when we lose someone for forever, at least we know, at least we are certain about something, that they wouldn't ever be back, even if we want them to. But losing someone with time, because of reasons unknown, it felt much more painful. It felt much more surreal. It felt so much more unbearable. 

Why couldn't we just be together? Why did he have to face this test? What… What was our mistake? Did we commit any sin? A sin so big that we wouldn't be forgiven without having to be separated from each other for we don't even know how long? 

If that's the case then please Ya Allah! Please forgive us! I don't think we would be able to take this pain anymore. I don't think I would be able to pass this test. And I- I don't want to fail in any of your tests. Please make it easy for me, for us. Please give us sabr Ya Rabbi. Please help us. Please be there for us. I cried while clutching my hands closer to my heart as the pain in my heart intensified. How would I be able to handle this Ya Rabbi? How will we? 

Closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths, I attempted to wipe my tears away while looking out of the window. Amira was here with me. And maybe she needed me the most right now. But what was I doing? Wallowing in self pity and helplessness? This wasn't me, this wasn't how I should be. 

If Allah Subhanahu Wa Taàla thinks that I would be able to handle this then even I should believe myself. Allah Subhanahu Wa Taàla wouldn't have put me in any such situation where he knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. He doesn't burden us more than we can bear. I needed to keep reminding myself of this. I needed to hold on. I needed to have faith. I needed to believe that there is a reason behind everything and whatever was happening, there must be a reason for that too. 

"Api." Amira gingerly touched my arm, bringing me out of my thoughts. 

"Haa Mira." Turning my face to look at her and clearing my throat, I replied. 

(Yes Mira.) 

"I'm scared." She said, her voice coming out in a light feathery whisper, her eyes wide with anxiety and desperation. And my heart cracked a little more at the sight in front of me, making me look away from her. 

"Why meri jaan?" Inquiring quietly, I pulled her closer. 

(Why my life?) 

"I don't know api. But… I- I feel sad. I feel lost. I feel bad. And… And I feel scared." She whispered, clutching my abaya and hiding her face in it. 

"You trust Allah, don't you, princess?" I asked her quietly, glancing in the front where ammi was sitting with the driver. 

"Yes, I do." She replied, her voice coming out shaky, as if she was trying her best to control her tears. 

"Then believe him. He wouldn't do anything without a reason. And this is just a test." I murmured, kissing her head. 

"Will we be able to meet bhaijaan and Alayna again?" She muttered quietly, looking up at me through her lashes. 

'I don't know.' That was what I wanted to tell her because I really didn't know. I wasn't sure. I was uncertain. I was in a dilemma myself. But instead of telling her that and crushing her hope, I smiled slightly while replying. "In Sha Allah." 

"Will everything go back to normal after this?" With hope filled gaze, she inquired while moving back a little to have a clearer look at my niqab cladded face. 

Once again I didn't know. I didn't know if everything would go back to normal after this. If we would ever be able to forget everything and start our life once again. But nodding my head and looking away from her, I replied quietly. "In Sha Allah princess, In Sha Allah." 

"In Sha Allah." She murmured before snuggling back by my side and hiding her face in my abaya. Tightening my hold on her, I rested my face on her head before getting lost in my thoughts once again. 

._._._. 

"Why- why are we back here?" Looking around the airport, I asked her, confused. It was early morning and we were currently back in Suva. I had no idea what ammi had in her mind or why we were here, it was all just too confusing and mind wrecking that just thinking about it brought me a headache. 

Last night was a blur of events. After we left our house, we headed straight to the airport. And wasting our time there for the next few hours, we boarded the plane, too tired to ask questions or actually make sense of anything. The numbness from yesterday had made everything happening a blur. I couldn't even comprehend what was actually happening, let alone notice anything else. 

"Don't ask me questions and just follow me." Starting to walk in front of me, ammi replied quickly. Holding Amira's hand tightly and pushing the trolley with my other hand, I followed her. 

"B- but ammi-" 

"Do you have any problem?" She interrupted, turning around to give me a sharp glare, her hair flowing behind her in waves. 

"No…" Looking away, I mumbled quietly. 

"Keep your mouth shut then." Wearing her sunglasses back, she gritted out while increasing her pace. 

"Api… where are we going?" Jogging with me, Amira huffed. 

"I have no idea myself, princess." I replied in a tired voice, already feeling guilty about not giving her a proper answer. 

"I'm tired." She whined as we slowed down a bit, huffing slightly. Ammi had become a fast walker, and it was kind of surprising. 

"Just wait for a while Mira, once we are back in our car, you can sleep all you want, okay?" I replied just as our car came into my view. Glancing at ammi, I saw her quickly walking towards her car, not at all breathless. 

"Hmm…" 

Taking out the keys from her jeans pocket, ammi unlocked her car before opening its trunk. Before we even reached there, ammi had started the car and was waiting for us near the trunk to load our luggage in it. Helping ammi load our luggage in, I ushered a tired Amira to go sit in the car. 

As soon as we were in the car, ammi reversed the car out of the driveway and soon enough, we were on the highway. It was all quiet, and the silence was prickling my mind, itching me to do something about it. Glancing down on my lap, I realised Amira was already fast asleep, which also made me realise just how tired she was. 

Running my fingers through her hair, I looked out. Weirdly enough, I realised, we weren't heading towards our home. Looking around, I tried to recognise the way, but to no avail. Not having any other option, glancing at ammi, I dared myself to ask her what was bothering me. "This… This isn't the way to our house, where are we going?" 

Not getting any response, I sighed while letting my head rest back on the seat, feeling tired. Rolling down the window, I inhaled the fresh salty air of the sea nearby, feeling horrible while terribly missing him, both of our houses and our memories. How must he be feeling right now? I wondered before closing my eyes and letting my thoughts wander away.  

 ._._._. 

Confusion filled my mind as I watched ammi park our car in front of the familiar but yet not too familiar house before getting off. Watching her heading towards the door, I opened my door before picking up Amira in my arms and following her. 

Just as I reached there, ammi rang the bell while tapping her foot continuously, waiting for someone to open the door impatiently. Glancing around once quickly, ammi was about to ring the bell again when the door opened, revealing a surprised aunty. Getting teary eyed, she quickly engulfed ammi in a tight hug. Shifting Amira in my arms, I stood there, smiling awkwardly. 

Quickly giving me a hug, she ushered us in the house, looking relieved and happy. Before I could even ponder upon where that girl could be, I was engulfed in a tight bear hug by a sobbing mess, suffocating me. Clucking a strangled chuckle, I tried to hug her back but couldn't do so because of Amira in my arms. Still, struggling to balance Amira by my one arm, I hugged her back by my other arm as tears of gratitude and relief escaped my eyes. Biting my lips and inhaling deeply, I tried to calm myself down. 

"I'm going to kill you woman!... Where were you? Do you even know how much I hate you?... Stupid! Aisa kon… kon karta hai?!... Pagal!... Sach me I feel like killing you right now!" Emaan ranted while sniffing in between, making me chuckle lightly. 

(Who... who even does this?!... Crazy girl!... I actually feel like killing you right now!) 

"I missed you too, drama queen. And you call kill me all you want after I place down Amira. And please don't shout, this kid is sleeping!" Shaking my head, I replied while trying to move back. 

"Oh yeah, I totally forgot about my little munchkin. How is she? And I didn't miss you, I hate you!" Replying to me fiercely, she moved back to look at Amira lovingly. 

"She is fine alhamdulillah. Just tired I guess. Where should I put her then? And I love you too." Looking down at her, I replied with a small smile before wiping my tears away and looking back at Emaan. 

"In my room! Come with me." Turning around, Emaan grabbed my hand before dragging me with her. 

"Uh wait… Let me inform ammi first." Pulling at my hand, I stopped her before turning to look at ammi, only to find her talking to aunty in hushed whispers, looking serious.  

"It's okay yaar. She is busy. You can tell her after returning back. And waise bhi, we are not going outside, we are in the same house!" Emaan whined, pulling me away from the drawing room. 

(Man.) 
(And anyways,)

"Uh… Accha, theek hai." Mumbling quietly and glancing back at ammi one last time, I left with Emaan. 

(Uh… Okay, fine.) 

Heading up to her room, I laid Amira down before sitting beside her, feeling tiredness crash on me with full force. Closing my eyes, I rubbed my neck and stretched my arms before leaning back on my hands and sighing tiredly. 

"Go and freshen up. You look tired." Emaan stood at the foot of the bed, looking at me weirdly, as if observing me. 

"I'm." Smiling back at her weakly, I replied before getting up and heading to the washroom. 

When I returned back from the washroom, I couldn't find Emaan anywhere in the room. Sighing, I headed downstairs to grab my handbag and a change of mine and Amira's clothes. These clothes felt too sticky and uncomfortable to be in anymore. 

"Are our bags still in the car?" Spotting ammi still in the drawing room, I inquired while looking around the room. Not getting any reply from her and not finding any bag in the room, sighing, I was about to go out and grab our bags when ammi held my arm, stopping me. 

"Where were you?" She asked me stoically in a cold voice, without any emotion visible on her face or voice. No one was actually around in the room except us. 

"I went with Emaan in her room to lay Amira down." Getting confused at her behaviour, I replied with a frown while looking down at my arm. What happened? Why was she being like this now? 

"Couldn't you have informed me about it?" Tightening her hold on my arm, she asked me. Her glare was so fierce that if it was possible, I would have burnt into ash by now. 

"I- I was about to inform you but you were talking to aunty." Trying to wriggle my arm out of her painful grip, I mumbled, stumbling at my own words, getting scared of this side of hers. But instead of loosening her grip on my arm, she continued to glare at me furiously, making me look at her helplessly. 

"You. Aren't. Allowed. To. Go. Anywhere. Without. Informing. Me. You get that?!" Pushing me back, she finally left my arm to point a finger at me while warning me sternly. 

"Y- yeah." Rubbing my arm, I mumbled while looking at her, a frown forming on my face. But before I could voice out my confusion, aunty entered the room with a smile on her face as she ushered us to the kitchen to have breakfast. Smiling slightly at her, I followed them quietly with another confusion added to my list of already messed up mind. 

._._._. 

"You have to tell me everything. Now!" Sitting on the bed cross legged, Emaan demanded, looking at me sternly. After having breakfast, I dozed off to a much needed sleep in Emaan's room, waking up just before Zuhr. After praying and having lunch, we were back in her room with Amira lounging with ammi and aunty downstairs, thankfully, giving us some privacy. 

"I don't know what to tell you. Or where should I even start from." Looking down and playing with my fingers, I mumbled quietly, my mind wandering back to him. What might he be doing now? Was he okay? 

"Start from the start. Why did you guys leave? What exactly happened? And why are you guys back here? Where is bhaijaan? Is he alright? What happened in Savusavu?" She bombarded her questions, one after the other while looking at me inquisitively, waiting for my reply. 

"Okay, but first tell me why is your house so quiet? I mean, where are your brothers?" Looking up at her with a frown, I asked her curiously. 

"Zee bhai has gone out, I don't know where, but he will be back soon. And abbu is at work." She replied, shrugging her shoulders and looking lost. 

"Oh… And what about Rayyan bhai? Where is he?" Remembering about whatever he told me on the beach that day, I asked her, also noticing the fact that she didn't mention anything about him, which was kind of odd coming from her. She was a talkative girl and she definitely couldn't miss out telling me about such an important person in her life. 

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about it! He went to Canada last week for further studies and stuff. You know, his decision was pretty abrupt, I wonder why… He isn't usually like this, you know that, don't you? And he didn't even tell me anything! Like why was he being like this or what the matter was… Yaar, I just wish he would share whatever is bothering him with me." Looking down with a frown and playing with her fingers, she replied sadly. 

"Oh…" Looking away from her, I nodded my head slightly, not knowing what else to say as a lump formed in my throat. Maybe I was the reason for him to leave. Or else why would a person leave so abruptly? But what could I tell her? I couldn't just tell her that. There will be thousands of questions and I- I didn't know how to answer them. And maybe she would even start resenting me, and I couldn't risk that. I couldn't risk losing her especially when I just lost a person who was close to me. I- I couldn't do that. I wasn't that strong. And if her brother would want to tell her anything then he would tell her himself, I shouldn't be the one interfering in between… 

Gulping, I looked up at her before saying, forcing a chuckle in between in hopes of lighting her mood. "I'm sorry. I should have been here for you but I wasn't… Maybe we could have made him spill the tea if we were together?!" 

"Yeah. I missed you so much yaar! Pata nahi kyu aunty ne tumhari shaadi kara di aur tum yaha se chali gayi. But I'm glad that you are back. Ab tum yahi rahogi na? Apne purane ghar me?" Looking up at me with a pout, she leaned forward to hug me while replying, making me smile slightly. 

(Don't know why aunty got you married and you left! But I'm glad that you are back. Now you will stay here only, right? In your old house?) 

"Pata nahi ammi ne kya decide kiya hai. But I hope ke hum yahi rahe, I miss you and I miss our home." Wrapping my arms around her, I replied with a sigh. 

(I don't know what mom has decided yet. But I hope that we stay here, I miss you and I miss our home.) 

"Hmm… Waise bhaijaan kaise hai? Aur Alayna?" Looking at me from the corner of her eyes, she inquired. 

(By the way, how is Saad? And Alayna?) 

"Alhamdulillah theek hai wo log. But I don't know ab kaise honge…" Closing my eyes, I mumbled quietly. 

(They were fine. But I don't know how they might be anymore…) 

"Kyu yaar, batao to hua kya?!" Releasing me from her hug, she looked at me, a frown already forming on her face. 

(Why man, tell me what happened?!) 

"Hangama? Drama? I don't know mai kya kahu yaar. I just hope ke wo theek ho aur unki ammi kuch zyada masla na kare waha par." Letting my hands rest by my side and looking away, I replied with a shrug. 

(Ruckus? Drama? I don't even know what to say man. I just hope that they are alright and his mom doesn't create any problems there.) 

"What do you mean? Yaar saaf saaf batao hua kya, aise jalebi mat banao!" Holding my chin and forcing me to look at her, she demanded sternly. 

(Man tell me everything clearly, don't make a funnel cake.) 

"Accha theek hai. Actually na pehle to yaha par…" Releasing my chin from  her hold and sighing tiredly, I then proceeded to tell her everything that happened since the time we left. 

(Okay fine. First of all…) 

What are best friends for if not to share our happiness and sadness with? And she was my best friend, a special one at that because she was also my childhood friend, which meant that she knew almost all of my secrets and embarrassing moments. She was always there to help me out, and if not that, then be there for me no matter what. And I loved her for that. I will always love her for that. 

._._._. 

• They are back in their hometown. But for how long? And why?

._._._.