CHAPTER NINETEEN

What compelled Liliya to leave the Little Palace in the middle of the night was something she couldn't explain. But after an argument with Alina that day that left a sour taste in her mouth and a nightmare that had wracked her to her core, she wanted to leave. Aleksander was still in his office and she got past without him even realising.

Nobody noticed her. The shadows kept her concealed as she walked through the Little Palace. Everyone was unaware and that was exactly how she liked it. She got onto her new horse and took off into the night. The guards let her out of the Little Palace without much question. With a tongue so used to lying, Liliya's excuse had slipped off her tongue without much work.

The horse galloped through Os Alta until she found herself at the furthest outskirts of the city. It was quiet and the slums had passed now. It was just fields and cobbled walls that protected farm land from people or animals. It was idyllic in thought but in reality, it made Liliya realise just how alone she was in that moment.

The redhead slipped off the horse and tied them to the nearby wooden gate before she began to stroll down the dirt road. It was wide enough for a carriage but no carriage would be travelling down at this time of night. There was no fete, there was no important celebration and no Grisha would be returning. She knew she would be safe so she allowed herself to wonder.

Night air filled her lungs as she leant against the cobble wall. The air biting at her hot cheeks as she blew out. Her breath condensed and appeared in front of her face. It amused her slightly, being reminded of her youth.

Roma and she had snook out to see some of the noble men in the Gardens of the Palace. They saw the men smoking cigars and from that moment on, they always pretended they were smoking when it was cold enough for their breath to condense. It came with snide remarks about the nobility that had earned them many reprimands but it never stopped their child-ish rebellion.

Everything had changed now. She had befriended a noble - something she swore never to do - and Roma had left her. He had betrayed her. Sold her out to her father that was determined to kill her. The father that had plagued her dreams. Plagued her dreams along with the dead body of Daish. A boy she knew was still alive. He had to be.

"You're still holding Alina captive I see," The voice of Isaak made her jump. Her eyes snapped open and she looked to the man. His whole face was covered in shadows and she could see them surrounding him. He would use them if he wanted to so Liliya knew not to attack him. There wouldn't be a point.

"You would kill her or use her just like us. Except you don't have the skills to find the stag," Liliya responded quickly as she sat on the edge of the wall. Isaak made her heart thump and her throat tighten but she knew never to show it. Fear is what he wanted and she wasn't going to give in. She could never give in. Fear was weakness and she wouldn't be weak in front of him.

"I know, malysh. I was never gifted with your ability," He responded before he walked over to her horse. The black beauty was grazing on the grass that peeked from under the gate as Isaak walked up beside it.

"Why are you here? I can't escape you. I won't forget what you said. I know what you want. Leave me," Liliya said as she threw her hand out. She pushed herself off the wall and strolled over to him, making sure she didn't walk up behind the horse. They didn't like when someone approached them from behind. It was a sure fire way to get a kick in the face.

"I was only checking in on your progress. How is our Sun Summoner? How is your search for the stag?" Isaak asked as he stroked the horse's mane. Liliya watched, unsure what to say, what to respond. A part of her was also worried that he was going to kill her horse.

"Alina is fine and Aleksander is handling the stag," Liliya said simply. She wasn't sure what compelled her to tell the truth but it came out despite herself. Isaak's eyebrows pulled together and he stepped back from the horse, meeting her gaze. The pair just watched each other for a moment before he shook his head.

"That General of yours never uses your abilities correctly. My daughter should be finding Morozova's stag. Not some other pathetic Grisha," Isaak hissed. Liliya scoffed at his words. It was strange that he sounded so angry for her. It was strange that he was even hear and he hadn't plunged a dagger into her.

"I'm not your daughter. You lost the right to call me that when you abandoned me," Liliya snapped as she stared at him. Her gaze then snapped back to her horse and she walked over, brushing her hand along it's mane, "I'm surprised you haven't pulled your knife out yet. Do you not want to kill your child like your brother?" Liliya asked curiously, taunting him. A part of her wanted to feel the pain of the knife driving through her skin but mostly she just wanted to see what he'd do.

"You're closer to my brother and myself than you believe," He said simply. Liliya scoffed and turned to face him.

"I protect children. I don't kill them especially when they're young and innocent," Liliya snapped. Isaak smirked, licking his lips before he stepped back. He put his hands in the pocket of his pants as he watched her. The silence filled the space between them as he let her words sink in.

"You protect children? I suppose you don't remember Daish?" He asked curiously. He watched her face contort into anger and she pulled the dagger from her pocket, rushing towards him. The shadows stopped her and threw her to the ground.

"Don't talk about Daish," Liliya hissed as she lifted herself from the dirt. Isaak watched her. Her hands were scuffed from the floor but she didn't seem to care.

"You see, malysh. I have the power here and you are just the same as me," Isaak began as he stared down at her. Liliya shook her head and brushed her dirty palms against her pants, "Murdering children in cold blood is our nature. You stopped fighting it once. Stop fighting it now," He finished. He stepped back again and Liliya just stared. Daish... was dead? Liliya had killed Daish. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at Isaak.

He smirked as he stepped away again. He then turned and left as Liliya felt a sob escape her lips. Of course she had killed Daish. Of course she had...

***

The inn was quiet and Daish had just gotten them enough money for the room. Liliya was glad. Daish needed a warm bed and she needed to rebandage her wound. Her leg hurt more than ever and every step made her want to scream and cry out in pain. It was exhausting but she knew better than to complain. She was alive. She was alive and that was better than nothing. They were both alive and Isaak was gone for now. They had escaped.

Liliya closed the door and Daish stared up at her. His eyes were wide and innocent and she could tell that he was going to cry, again. He had done so much crying and she was exhausted. Exhausted with his crying, with his complaining. She loved children, she wanted to protect them but she was exhausted, she was angry and she was scared. It was never a good combination.

"I'm not returning to Shu Han?" Daish asked as he looked over at her. Liliya pressed her hand against the dresser, alleviating some pressure on her leg. She shook her head and Daish's eyes quickly filled with tears, "I want my father," He said quickly. The tears quickly began to run down his cheek and Liliya gritted her teeth.

"He wants to kill you, Daish. You are safer in Ravka," Liliya attempted to placate the young boy. She grabbed the knife from the side and moved to sit on the ricket-y chair before she heard him sob. Her head snapped up and she watched as he buried his face in his hands. His sobs only got louder and Liliya's hands were shaking.

Some mix of anger, exhaustion, betrayal and sadness led her to finally snap. She walked over to him and pulled him into her side. The knife still firmly in her hand. Her head rested against him for a moment as he curled up into her side.

"I want my father. I want to go back to my father. He's all I want, please, take me back to Shu Han," Daish begged. His words were blubbered and mushed together to the point that they were barely discernible but Liliya understood enough. She understood that Daish would never be happy with this new life. He would always yearn for something he couldn't have.

"You can never go back to your father, Daish. He does not care for you. I will find someone to care for you who loves you," Liliya attempted to calm him but he seemed to only come undone more. His sobs grew louder and Liliya's jaw clenched. The sounds were making her head throb and her leg ached more. The pain adding to the mix of emotions.

Her arm moved around to press the knife into the artery of his neck and she sliced into it. In a few seconds, he was limp in her arms. The blood slowly seeping down his neck and Liliya was so numb, that what she had just done didn't comprehend to her.

As she pulled back, his body crumpled to the side and she let his body fall into the bed. Her body worked on automatic as she pushed the covers over his body. His head snuggled against the pillows as if he was sleeping. He was gone and Liliya couldn't feel anything. Liliya didn't feel anything as she walked over to finally sit on the rickety chair. He was quiet and that's all she cared about. Everything was quiet.

***

It was completely pitch black by the time Liliya had found her way back to the Little Palace. Her vision was blurred. Her mind running with thoughts. She felt sick, she felt awful. She didn't know what to do yet she wanted to do everything terrible to herself that she could possibly think of. The one thing... one thing that she swore to never do she had.

She had killed a child. She had killed Daish. The boy that she swore to protect. The Sun Summoner or a boy who could have been the Sun Summoner. She killed him and nobody told her. Her nightmares were right. She was the monster and his blood stained her hands. It was like she could feel it. The sticky red coating every single finger as she walked into the bathroom.

Aleksander was reading in bed when she walked in. Her cheeks were tear-stained and puffy. Her eyes bloodshot, red and she looked exhausted. She looked awful and the tears had begun to flow again as she walked up to the sink.

The tap flicked on and Liliya grabbed the soap, rubbing the bar against her hands. She kept scrubbing even when there was nothing to clean. Even when the blood began to trickle from the scrape marks on the heels of her hands. Even when she felt Aleksander's hand on her arm, she kept pushing the soap against her skin. It was the only thing that felt right.

She kept washing her hands. Needing to get the blood off. She had to get the blood off and as she stared at them, she could still feel it. It was almost like she could see it. Blood underneath her fingertips, infecting her. Reminding her that she was a monster. She had killed someone. She had killed Daish.

"Milaya," Aleksander snapped and her head snapped to look up at him. He was a blurry outline as the tears continued to fall. A sob escaped her lips and she tried to babble out something but it was nothing. It was incoherent, "What happened?" He asked. His words were firm but not harsh. He looked worried.

"Daish... Daish... I killed... Daish..." Liliya mumbled out between the sobs that fell from her lips. The bar of soap slipped from her fingers and her arms pressed against the edge of the sink. Her head rested against the porcelain as she felt the sick rise in her throat. She had killed Daish. There was no remorse. She had killed him and she hadn't even remembered.

"Milaya, Milaya, look at me," He snapped. Liliya sobbed and shook her head, pushing him away. She fell to her knees and buried her face in her knees. She couldn't even look at him. She was a murderer. She had killed a child. Killed Daish. Her hands felt dry against her hair and then she felt it. The blood dripping into her hair and she pulled it back.

"No, no, I can't. I can't," Liliya mumbled as she held her hands out in front of her. More sobs escaped her lips as she squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't escape it. It was her fault. She had done this. She had killed, she had killed Daish. Her words quickly turned incoherent as she sobbed harder. The tears flooded down her face. The damn that had been hiding the memories away had broke and she couldn't stop. Nothing could stop her.

Aleksander didn't know what to do as he looked at her so he sat down. He took a damp wash cloth and took a hold of her hands. He forced them over so her palms were facing up and pressed the cloth to the scrapes on the heels of her hands.

"Don't... Don't... touch me..." She sobbed, trying to puller her hands away. But Aleksander didn't let her pull away. He kept them firmly pressed towards him, gripping her wrists with one of his hands. The other gently brushing the blood off the scrapes. It was nothing major and the scrapes would heal in a few hours but he had to take care of her.

"The blood is gone," He reassured as he pulled the flannel away. Liliya shook her head as she stared at her hands. Even with her blurred vision, she could see the crimson that stained her fingertips. Her hands were covered. She had done this. She had killed a child. A child, "Tell me where it is. Let me wipe it away," He said. His voice calm and direct. There was a hint of frustration but Liliya could barely hear it through her own mess of emotions.

"Every... everywhere," She managed through the tears. Her jaw ached from crying and her ribcage felt like it was being crushed. Aleksander pulled her wrists closer again and began to wipe the blood from her skin. The blood that he couldn't see but Liliya was so sure it was there.

His movements were purposeful as he removed it. It was strange removing something that he couldn't see but when he pulled away, Liliya felt better. The blood seemed to have gone and she just stared at her hands. The tears drying up but a few still trickled down her face. Her hands turned over and it was gone.

"Did you leave the Palace?" He asked. He had to know. Liliya stared down at her hands for a moment longer before she nodded. Aleksander then stood up, not a word escaped his lips as he dropped the cloth into the sink, "Do you ever listen? I may be your husband but you are still my soldier, Liliya," He added. Liliya squeezed her eyes shut and wrapped her arms around the back of her head. She knew this would happen.

"I don't know why I left, Kirigan. I just did. Isaak saw me. He told me what happened with Daish. Something you had failed to tell me," Liliya snapped as she stood up. The tears were gone now. The only evidence was streaks across her cheek as she sniffled.

"You need to sleep," He said as he stepped out of the bathroom. Liliya stared at the back of his head and shook his head. Huffing out of her nose before she picked up the cloth and threw it at the back of his head.

"Be angry at me!" She shouted as the cloth smacked his bare back. It slapped against his skin and just the sound made her flinch. Then Aleksander turned around and stared at her. His jaw set but he didn't immediately say anything. That scared her.

"Why do you want me to be angry at you?" He asked. Liliya pushed her fingers through her hair. Letting out another huff before she let her hand drop.

"Why are you always so calm, Aleks? Just shout at me!" Liliya responded, raising her voice. It was ridiculous. This was far from the argument they should be having. She didn't want to argue with him but she hated how he never got angry. He stared at her for a moment before he scoffed and turned his head away.

"Why?" He asked again.

"Because I disobeyed you. I always go against what you want for me. I nearly get myself killed because I don't care what you tell me not to do. I will do what I want when I want it. Nothing is going to change that," She responded.

"Go to bed, kotik," He said. Liliya shook her head and stepped back.

"No."

"We both need to sleep."

"No!"

"Get into bed!" He shouted. He finally snapped and it scared her but she wanted him to shout again. She continued to stare at him, not moving an inch. She was doing this on purpose and she didn't care what came next. She wanted him to get angry at her, for once.

"I told you, no, Aleksander. I'm going out," Liliya said, trying to push past him. Aleksander grabbed her arm, gripping it tightly as he shoved her back in place.

"You are playing a dangerous game here, milaya." His voice was low and something about it scared Liliya but also made her want him. She just wanted to pull him closer and kiss him and as he backed her against the wall, she realised she might just get her wish.

It was wrong. It was wrong to have sex with him after what she had just discovered about herself. After what she had done but she didn't care. She didn't care at all. The one moral code that she had left was gone. The house of cards was falling and she didn't care anymore.

"I want to play it," Liliya said as she reached out to wrap her arms around his neck. But Aleksander grabbed her wrist and pushed them againt the wall. His lips connected with her not a second later and she pushed her body against his. A soft whine escaping her lips as Aleksander began to dominate the kiss. One hand keeping her wrists above her head while the other wrapped around her waist, pulling her body closer to his.

He then pulled away and watched as her eyes opened. She seemed both taken aback and happy about his reaction. A smirk tugged on her lips as she tried to push her face to meet his lips again but he avoided her touch

"Don't leave here without me again," He whispered into her ear before he pressed a soft kiss to her earlobe. He then trailed his kisses slowly down her neck, across her jaw and met her lips again. Aleksander let her hands go and she instantly moved to grip his hair, pulling him closer. His hands moved to her thighs and he hitched her legs around his waist, turning them and taking them both to the bed.

***

author's note! so hi... have i been waiting for this reveal for... a while, quite possibly :) this was a sort of an intense chapter and we got some more isaak, ALSO DONT ASK WHY THE CHAPTER ENDS WITH SEGGSY TIMES, I DONT KNOW, IT JUST SORT OF HAPPENED WHILE I WAS WRITING AND YEAH... just it's fine, EVERYTHING'S FINE BUT yeah, that's this chapter, i hope you enjoyed!! also next chapter we have the lead up to the winter fete! and we all know what that means hehe, anyway, thank you for reading!! <3