The next morning I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. I'd had another nightmare, and this time it was of my mother.

It took place at my house. My mother was in the kitchen, sitting at the table, her face buried in her hands. She was crying and sobbing. I was yelling at her, going on and on about how my father was dead, and that she needed to face it. But she wouldn't believe me. She believed that he would come home. And then she shouted, telling me that it was my fault they were gone. That it was my fault they were dead.

I woke up drenched in sweat, inhaling deep breaths in attempt to calm myself down. Though it was just a dream, I couldn't help but wonder if there was some truth to it. The reason to it was simple: I believed that I was the reason behind my brother's and father's death. I felt the guilt. It sickened me, reminding me every day -- playing December 26th over and over again in my head.

I stayed in bed as long as I could. I heard my mother calling my name, telling me to get up. But I didn't. I couldn't find the strength. By then, I would have already had to leave in order to catch the bus to get to school. There was no way I'd be on time anyway.

When I didn't get out of bed, my mother barged into my room. "Ava," she snapped, "get up. You're late."

I rolled onto my back and stared blankly at the ceiling. My eyes stung. "I don't feel well."

"Are you sick?" she walked over and sat on the edge of my bed, placing her hand on my forehead.

"No, Mom."

She furrowed her brows, folding her arms across her chest. "Ava Grace Kato, get up. You're going to school."

Tears rose. Sweat beaded at my forehead. A lump grew in my throat as I muttered, "I'm sorry, Mom."

"Sorry for what?"

I hesitated, my voice coming out in a quiet whisper, "I can't say it."

Her voice became softer, "Ava, if you're not doing well, please tell me. We can go see Ms. Campbell, and--"

A sudden current of frustration ran through my veins. "No!" I cried, the tears managing to spill over. My throat tightened. "No!" I repeated, "Don't you get it, Mom? Ms. Campbell knows nothing! Nothing! She can't help me!"

"Ava, trust her, she knows very well--"

"She knows nothing! And neither do you. You know nothing. You don't know what's going on inside of my head. You don't understand the nightmares I get, the flashbacks I see. You don't know what I know. You know nothing!"

"Shh," Mom soothed, pulling me into a hug. She whispered gently, "I know it's difficult, honey. I know it's scary. I miss them too."

I sobbed into her shoulder, letting out muffled cries. "I'm so sorry, Mom. I'm so, so sorry."

"Shh, it's not your fault, honey. It's not your fault. None of it is."

Her words were comforting, but then again, she didn't know what I was apologizing for. Little did she know that I could have potentially avoided the death of Mason and Dad. That day at the beach, I could have prevented their deaths.

If only I hadn't lost sight of Mason. If only I could have kept an eye out for him. If only Dad wouldn't have gone out to look for him. If only.

If only I could have kept them alive. But I didn't. 

And I hated myself for it.

----------

Later that day, I found myself sitting in front of Ms. Campbell. Mom had decided to let me take a day off of school. She had said that she understood my pain, and that it was normal for me to feel guilty.

I still hadn't told her about that day at the beach.

Ms. Campbell wore a long floral dress that fell down to her knees, and had gotten new glasses since the last time I'd seen her. She smiled as she took a seat in front of me. "Hello, Ava. How have you been?"

My mouth was sealed shut. I was in no mood to talk, especially after this morning.

"Your mother called."

"I know."

"She said something about you feeling guilty for what happened in 2004. Would you like to speak about that?"

"No." My answer was quick.

"Well then, could you at least tell me what's bothering you?"

I let out a deep breath, and then breathed back in. Say it, Ava. I told myself, You have to let it out. Say it. Hesitating with each and every word, I began. "I could have saved them."

"Could have saved who, dear?"

"Mason and Dad. I could have saved them."

There was a long pause, "Ava, I know that it's very normal to feel guilty but I doubt that--"

"That day at the beach, I could have saved them. Mason was pulling a prank on me by spilling some water on me with his bucket, and so I chased him around the beach." I took a deep breath, wiping my clammy hands against my jeans and taking a deep breath. My voice began to tremble as I continued, "And then some guy yelled something about the ocean, pointing towards it. And so I looked over, and that's when I saw the wave. I panicked and looked around, but Mason was nowhere in sight. He must have thought I was still chasing him. He must've kept running..." I swallowed hard, restraining tears. Don't cry, Ava. Don't you dare cry. You're stronger than this. "I tried to look for him, but my friend, Piper, told me we had to go. She said that my dad had gone to look for him."

There was a long pause. "Ava..."

"It's my fault."

"No, Ava. It's not your fault. Get that out of your head."

"Yes! It is! I could have avoided everything! We could have had more time to run away. Maybe we could have even gotten to higher ground. All of us. Maybe we'd all still be here!"

"Ava," Ms. Campbell began, "that tsunami killed over 200,000 people. And listen to me when I say this: none of those deaths were your fault. Absolutely none of them."

"You don't understand!"

"Ava, I understand very well. I lost my husband just a few years ago to cancer, and I went through the same pain you're going through right now."

My blood froze. I stared at her for a minute, unsure of what to say. I had no idea. My voice came out calmer. "I-I'm so sorry for your loss..."

"No, Ava. I want you to stop that. I want you to stop saying that you're sorry. Don't apologize, because it's not your fault, you got that? I understand what you're going through. I used to blame myself for not being able to help him, for not being there for him all of the time. Gosh, if I could go back, Ava, I would have done so much more for him. I didn't realize how much I really loved him until he was gone, and that made me feel unbearably guilty for an agonizing amount of time. But, I eventually came to the realization that it wasn't my fault. And I want you to realize that too. Think of it this way: if they were still here, would they really want to see you going through this much pain? I'm sure they wouldn't, Ava. And I'm sure they wouldn't blame you."

There was a long pause. I didn't know what else to say. "Do you hear me, Ava?" Ms. Campbell continued, "Over 200,000 deaths because of the tsunami. Not because of you."