Hannah

"This place is really nice," I tell Erin, a few hours later.

 I was already back at the beach house and changed out of the very sandy dress and into jeans and a nice top, by the time Erin got home this afternoon. I told her I was in the mood for pizza and she brought me here, to this fancy Italian restaurant, called Del's. We're sitting across from each other and my stomach is growling.

   "You said you wanted pizza. This is the best pizza place I know of," she says with a smile. "Matt took me here on our one of our first dates."

   "I've never been to a nice restaurant like this," I tell her, then shrug.

   "Damnit Hannah, you deserve so much more than -" She cuts herself off by biting her bottom lip, but I nod anyway.

  I know what she's thinking and what she wanted to say. She probably has been wanting to go off about my mom and how she shouldn't have left Clearwater with me all those years ago, for a long time. She's probably been biting her tongue so not to talk anything bad about my mom at all. I appreciate that, in a sense. But it's not like I don't know that my mom was in the wrong, at least partially.            

  We order two medium pizzas and some garlic bread and while Erin and I wait, I sip my root beer and stay mostly quiet. She's okay with paying for a dinner like this for my birthday. She's fine with me staying in her pool house. She's not asking me for anything in return. My mom's wrong. Erin is a good person and she might even care about me more than my mother ever did. I don't think I should say that out loud. I shouldn't even think it.

    "Hannah?" Erin asks, bringing me back to her. "You good?"

    "Yeah, sorry. Just thinking." I nod and blink a few times.

    "About anything in particular?" she wants to know, pushing up her glasses on her nose.

    "No." I shake my head. I definitely can't tell her that I'm thinking about my mom. 

    "How's work been? You doing okay with the early mornings?" she asks, even though we've talked about it already, earlier this week. Part of me wants to tell her about Cannon and how it's nice that he works right next door, but I bite my tongue. She doesn't know that Cannon and I even really know each other.

  I don't like keeping secrets. Not from Erin.

    "Yeah. Honestly, I like it. And it'll be so nice to make my own money. I can pay you, for rent or whatever, and-"

    "Hannah," she interrupts, eyes wide. "I did not invite you to stay with us and expect anything from you. You're here because you needed us and we're your family."

  I sigh, because I knew she'd say that. "I know... I just feel like I... It's already been a month." I sip my drink again.

    "A month is not a long time. It's like a tiny percent of time compared to how long you were gone," she tells me, and then pulls her own drink - water- towards her.

    "Okay," I say because I don't know what else to say.

  And then our pizzas are delivered to the table and I'm practically drooling before I take my first bite. It's the best pizza I've ever tasted. Erin looks satisfied with how much I enjoy it and when we are done, we take what's left with us in a take out box.

  In her car, on the way back to the beach house, Erin turns up  the radio and we just listen and don't talk. I don't even recognize the music but it's so nice to just have the window down and drive and not have to think or worry about anything for a little awhile.

  I thank Erin for dinner and give her a hug before we get out of the car, and then I get out and follow her towards the house. Matt's car is gone but Seb is in the kitchen eating out of a bag of chips, alone, when we walk in. I drop the pizza box on the counter and look over at him, while he finally notices us.

  "You brought pizza home?" he wants to know right away.

 He's wearing shorts and no shirt and his hair is a mess.

 "It's Hannah's leftovers," Erin says. "Don't touch it."

 Seb laughs and then walks across the room and grabs a chocolate bar - a KitKat - from the table. When he comes back over to me, he holds it out.

  "Happy birthday. I got you this."

  Erin lets out a laugh and shakes her head, but I smile at him and take it.

  "Thanks."

  "Anytime," he says with a nod.

  "What'd you do today, Seb?" Erin asks him, curious.

  He rolls his eyes. "Took Sabrina to the mall and wasted two damn hours walking around while she looked for a new dress."

  "Sounds fun," Erin laughs, then pats his back.

  "Absolutely not fun," he tells us. "Tomorrow I'm having a Me Day. Wait, Hannah, you want to be a part of my Me Day?"

  I laugh lightly but shake my head. "I work until 2PM."

    "Geez. You're not fun. Well, I'm going to watch a movie. Night," he finishes and then spins around and walks out of the room.

  I don't think either of them realize how much this family time, general conversation, means to me. It's okay that they don't get it - they don't know how bad I had it over the last few years. I don't exactly want them to know the details anyway.

  After thanking Erin again, I take my KitKat and go out the back door and down to the pool house. It's so quiet in there and the A/C makes it really cold. After I pull a sweater from the closet and pull it on, I plop down on the couch and pull out my phone. I haven't checked it in hours, since I left with Erin for dinner, and I see one new text.

  Cannon: I hope you had fun today and that dinner with Erin was good

  It's not late, only around 8PM, but somehow it feels like that morning with Cannon was days ago. He took me to a quiet spot and brought snacks and it was simple and sweet and perfect. And he kissed like he cares about me, appreciates me. It all feels very overwhelming. I'm not sure I've ever felt cared about in the way that I do now, in Clearwater.

  I spent my entire teenage years avoiding my mom and her random boyfriends. I spent as little time as possible with the one person who was my family, because it always ended up being a fight. I had friends and people who brought me a sandwich at lunch because they knew I hadn't eaten at home in awhile. But all of that was so different than how the last month of my life has been.

  I stare at the text from Cannon for longer than needed.

  Me: It was a great day. Thanks to you and Erin.

  Cannon: I'm glad. What about Seb?

  Me: He was out with Sabrina most of the day but he bought me a KitKit.

 Cannon: Nice. Seems like a Seb thing to do.

 Me: He didn't know it was my birthday until this morning

 Cannon: Oh. Are you home now?

 Me: Yeah, just relaxing.

Cannon: Cool. Maybe we can hang out again soon?

Me: Yeah, we should do that.

 It takes a few minutes before his next text comes in, but it's worth it.

Cannon: Night, Hannah. Sweet dreams.

  My heart's beating a little too fast for the next few minutes. I had such a great day and I'm still reveling in it when my phone rings a few minutes after I climb into bed, half an hour later. I have a weird feeling as I reach for my phone. Somehow, I just know it's my mother. A bad feeling washes over me. Of course she'd call me the night of my birthday, to stir up shit.

 I almost don't answer, but I do. Again.

 "Hello?"

 "Happy birthday, Hannah."

  "Thanks." I keep it quick and simple. No emotion. There's no point in giving in to that.

 "How was your day?" she asks, but then adds, "What did Erin give you?"

  "Nothing," I snap. "Why do you even care?"

  "Oh, Hannah." She sighs. "Don't take hand outs from her. She'll drop you as soon as she feels like you're ungrateful."

  "You don't know her anymore," I say quickly. I can already feel tears coming. I need to get off the call before I'm crying. "You don't know anything about this."

  "Good thing," my mom says and then adds a half laugh. "I'm just giving you a heads up, Hannah. You shouldn't be there, with her."

  "I like it here," I tell her, hoping to hurt her feelings even a little bit.

  "Yeah, well, you won't like it when you're alone and everyone abandons you. Believe me, it's no fun."       

  And then she's gone. Again.

  I had so much more to say, to defend myself. To defend Erin. But my mother makes everything about her, on her terms, so of course she ended the call there. She wants me to believe that Erin will do the same thing to me that she did to her. But things are different now. Erin cares about me.

  I'm fuming. My chest hurts. I pull the blanket up and over my head and then I let it all out and cry until I can't cry anymore.