"Am I stupid?" I asked as I sat in the window seat and stared out at Velaris. We had sat in silence together on the bed for a while longer before I moved to the window seat. Azriel remained on the bed, laying still and staring at the ceiling.

"Why would you be stupid?" He asks dryly, a small smirk playing at his lips.

I rolled my eyes. "That's not what I mean. I feel like I run away too much. Like I scare off and get angry and sad too easily. I have no problem facing bad guys and fighting. I guess it's still from the Ring. But the second it becomes personal, I just run. And I don't know why I do it. It feels stupid."

"It's not stupid." He says and scratches at his chin. "It's not cowardly, either, so stop thinking that." He rolls over and props himself up on his elbow. "You're a lot like me. Your past haunts you. When personal stuff comes up and you don't know what to do, you retreat. It's a coping mechanism of a long-going trauma that hasn't been resolved in you."

"Yeah. My life hasn't been great." I said glumly and looked out at the city again.

"No it hasn't. It's been shit. And you're acting like a shit." He says and sits up. I turned to give a retort, offended, but he held up a hand. "Listen, Adrianna, my love. This is a lesson. A lesson in healing. I've helped you with your wings. They've improved and you can fly on your own now. Now, it's time to work on your mind. And your heart."

I looked at my hands and they clenched into fists. "Easy for you to say."

"Adrianna." He says again, his tone gentler this time and I looked up. "I was in a similar place as you. It was Cassian who pulled me out of it. And it doesn't get better and you don't heal if you don't face your trauma and deal with it. Slowly. Carefully. Intentionally."

I folded my hands in my lap and crossed my legs, my wings drooping slightly. "Muscles are one thing, Az. I don't know about the heart and mind thing."

"It doesn't have to be done quickly. Or even now. When you're ready. You make the mistake, my love, that wounds of the heart and mind can be healed quickly. Take your time. Be patient with yourself." He says gently and walks over and sits on the seat next to me, one of his hands resting over mine. His fingers laced through mine, and I held his hand tightly, lifting it up and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

"How?" I asked softly, my eyes misting with tears again. "How do I do that? I've killed so, so many people, Az. I've been tarnished and enslaved, lied to and abused. How do I get over that?" I hated that my voice was so broken and scared.

He lifted a hand to my face and tilted my chin up, and when I meet his hazel eyes with my brown ones, he said with such sincerity, "You won't be able to forget it. But you are here, my love, my mate, my partner. You are here because the Mother wills it. Whether you want to be or not. And I am thankful for you. I am proud of you." He smiled at me, his own eyes misting with tears. "And I know you'll heal, because you've helped to heal me. You've kissed me and held me when the nightmares came until I didn't suffer from them anymore. You chased them away. And when I was sad, you were there to smile at me and it melts away the pain. I heal every day, because I have you. And I see you go through so much, and only come out of it stronger. You inspire me to be a better man, Adrianna."

I smiled, tears sliding down my cheeks, but he kissed them away, arms wrapping around me and pulling me towards him. I threw my arms around his shoulders and stuffed my face into his neck. I lifted a hand to the back of his head and whispered, "I love you, Azriel. I don't even know if that word even describes how I feel about you."

His hands gently and soothingly rubbed my back. "And I love you, Adrianna. More than you could possibly imagine." He whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek once.

I cuddled into him more, fingers wrapping around his shirt, then looked up at him. He brushed some hair from my face and I let out a slow breath, sitting up more.

"Healing. I...let's start with the first thing." I released a shaky breath. "I want to face my adoptive parents."

"Ok..." he says slowly. "Do you think Rhys will change his mind and give you the contract?"

"I-I don't know if I want a contract, actually. I don't know if I want any more, either. I don't want to kill because someone tells me to. I don't want to kill because someone else thinks this person deserves it. Who am I to make that decision? I don't want to kill anymore. And I'm not going to. I can't. Because if there's another way, I'm going to take it. What I did to Jace and Galahad and Lance was awful. I don't think I could ever be forgiven for it. But I want to find other ways now. I don't want to be ruled by hate anymore."

He smiled at me and rested his hands on my cheeks and kissed my forehead. "And that, my love, is the first step to healing. One step at a time. So what is our next step?"

I smiled at him and his use of the word "our". I picked up his left hand and traced the curled shadows tattooed around his knuckles, my matching ones showing next to his. "The first step is a vacation. I did bring my swimsuit, after all. And I've never been to the ocean. The second step is to apologize to Feyre and Rhys. They didn't deserve that. I know I have every right to be frustrated with my life right now, but taking it out on them wasn't a fair move."

He nods, squeezing my hand. "And then?"

"And then I go to my adoptive parents. And they answer for their crimes." I said softly. "And they'll answer for them by spending the rest of their lives in a dungeon. They won't die. I won't kill them. I refuse to kill anyone else. Perhaps I'll clamp Lord Meridian's wings."

"Hm. Yes. Perhaps that will serve him well." Azriel said, eyes drifting up to look at the scars on my wings.

"Yes. And I know a few Illyrian males that would be more than willing to do the honor of clamping him."

A small, dark smile appeared on his face. "If you were not against their deaths, I'd kill them for what they did to you."

I shook my head. "I know you would. I just don't know if it will help anything." I said, then looked up at him suddenly. "Actually, what is your last name? I just realized I never asked."

He raised an eyebrow, then looked out the window, a frown on his face. "I'm not sure, actually. I was always just called bastard. I'm not sure I'd want my family name, anyways."

I pursed my lips, then said, "Then let's make one. I don't want Meridian anymore, either."

He smirked at me. "Are you suggesting we share a last name?" He asks and nuzzles his nose against my cheek.

I laughed. "Yes, dummy. Didn't Rhys- my father- tell us to? When we were planning on going to Autumn before other discoveries were made?"

He looked at me thoughtfully. "I didn't know if you actually wanted that."

"I'd love that." I said honestly, reaching up to cup his cheeks in my hands.

He smiled at me, his hazel eyes softening. "Alright, love. Do you have any ideas?" He asked, tucking some hair behind my ear.

"Hm..." I said thoughtfully and his arms looped around my waist and I dropped my hands to rest on his arms. "Well, it should probably mean something to the both of us, right?"

"Mhm." He paused. "What about Shadowfire?"

"Hmm, that's awfully close to Shadowsinger, don't you think?" I asked and smiled a little.

"Hm. That's true." He says. "I'm not very good at this."

I paused. "What about... Lumbulë? It means deep in darkness. I think that can fit us both literally, and mentally."

He chuckled, then said, "Sure. What language is that?"

"I...I'm not sure. I heard it once, a long time ago. Or I read it in a book. I can't remember what it's called."

"Alright then, Adrianna and Azriel Lumbulë. Is that the final name?"

"Hm...maybe.... Oh! Sundavr. That means shadow, too."

"Look at you, knowing all these foreign languages." Azriel teases and kisses my neck, making my laugh.

"Az!" I protested and grabbed his face and kissed him on the lips. "Well? Which one do you like best?"

"Sundavr...I like that one." He replies.

"Very well. Then that shall be our name, Mr. Sundavr." I replied with a smile.

He returned my smile and kissed my cheek. "Very well, Mrs. Sundavr."

*******

Hey readers! A note on the two fancy names above: I do not own either of them! They are actually words from two of my other obsessions, the first (Lumbulë) being from the elven Quenya language of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, and the second name (Sundavr) that they ended up choosing was from the ancient language from Christopher Paolini's Inheritance Series (Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr, Inheritance). I highly recommend both of these series if you haven't already! I am pretty obsessed with both, and you can find fanfictions for both on my profile :) (lol- shameless self plug)

Anyways, I really wanted to have my babies discuss what's going on from their traumas. It is sort of a "filler episode" if you will, before we start getting into some action. The ending of ACoMaF is upon us, after all!

I also want to say, that if you are dealing with anything in your personal life, you are not stupid. You are not unworthy. You are valid. You are not slow to catch up to others, because healing and pain is relative. It's only a matter of when you choose to begin to really pull yourself up and out of that hole you're stuck in. Find someone you trust, whether it be a close friend/family member, or even a therapist, and talk it out with them. I'm in therapy myself, and recommend that for anyone and everyone.

Remember you are loved and have an important place in this world!

Love always,
Cora Knight xoxo