Hi, Angel.

I just wanted to check that you're okay? Aidan told me what happened between you and Rex yesterday. I do hope you're okay. I only wished I had known that you two had history...why didn't you say anything?

Please call me, I'm worried about you!

Angela xxxxx

I throw my phone down on my bed, covering my aching head with the warm duvet. I had planned on going to a car boot sale this morning, but now I'm finding it hard to just get out of bed.

The pull of having my very own pity party, is becoming more and more appealing by the second. Besides, I more than likely look awful. As soon as the taxi pulled up outside of my little rented cottage yesterday, the sobs and tears came almost as soon as I had placed the money in the taxi drivers hand. My tears fell for the rest of the day and long into the night, until I had physically and emotionally drained myself. With sore and swollen eyes, I now simply can't face the day ahead. I thought that it's lightness would fade the memory of Rex's dark and angry face, but it hasn't. Even with the rays of Spring sunshine that splinter through the closed curtains, I can still see his hateful face hovering in the shadows. It's a look that I can't seem to erase. With my eyes open or closed, it's all I can see. I've tried so hard to fill my life with happy things, but now I just feel so empty. Seeing Rex again, has left me feeling slightly lost, because I want to do something about it; but know that I can't. I know I can't unburden myself about what happened between me and his father, yet I still have this incredible need to apologise. I'm wondering whether an apology, face to face, would make Rex hate me any less?

Would an apology be enough?

Does he even care if he gets an apology?

Annoyed with my own stupid thoughts, I sit up against my pillows, pushing and blowing away the static hair from off my puffy face. Thinking deeply, I stare out at the room in front of me. I find my thoughts wandering back to the night that I met Rex's father, still angry because he was Rex's father. I didn't know it then, but it was already the beginning of the end of us, long before I had even met Rex. Our fate had sadly been sealed, long before our very first meeting. Regardless of our love, it was never meant to be. One reckless night, had destroyed us before we had even begun. My stupid, immature, confused and hurt sixteen year old self, had cemented herself to a loveless life. And as loveless as my life was, I never once stopped loving Rex. I knew that he would never be mine, but that didn't stop me from always wanting him to be. When I ended things between us, I threw myself headlong into work. My work was the only thing left that made me feel alive. In slow and careful time, I was able to be with another man, but no one ever measured up to Rex. Emotionally and physically, he was my absolute everything. Sometimes, those that we've known the shortest, can leave the longest of impressions. Rex had done just that, he'd left an impression on me; on my heart. So you see, no man would have ever been enough. That's not to say that I didn't try. I did have relationships in the years that followed the end of Rex and I. There were two men, and both didn't make it past two years. Ralph was a science teacher, who was wonderfully calm and kind. His patience as a teacher helped him with his patience of me. He eventually wanted to get married, but I kept using my work as a reason to hold him off. The truth was, I loved Ralph; I just wasn't in love with him. Ralph deserved so much more, so we amicably called time on our relationship.

About eighteen months later, I met Adam. We actually met through my sister's then boyfriend. He was an energetic and fun personal trainer. We got together when Gareth, my sisters boyfriend at the time, brought him along to my thirtieth birthday party. Adam was the polar opposite of me; loud, hilarious, a larger than life character. For all of his exuberant behaviour, he had a gentle and loyal side. Although we were very different, we kind of worked. Adam was able to coax out of me my timid confidence and hidden spontaneity, and my reserved and deep manner had a calming impact on him. His zest for life was so very infectious and it was hard not to fall for him. I guess my real and honest attraction to Adam was because he was so different to any man that I'd ever been intimate with. After Ralph, I figured that different would be good for me. Different wasn't Rex, and that foolishly made me believe that I would eventually fall in love with Adam.

I unfortunately didn't.

Which in itself seems like complete and utter madness. From the outside looking in, Adam had it all; dirty blond hair, come to bed grey eyes and a loveable personality. Yet it still wasn't enough for me. I'd merely got swept up in the notion of being in love. I wanted to be in love, because then I wouldn't keep feeling this emptiness that Rex had left behind all those years before. After a long talk with Faith about my Adam dilemma, I realised that just like Ralph, he deserved more. I knew that unless I felt with someone, how I felt when I was with Rex; it wouldn't be fair to be with that someone. I had accepted that, too. I was okay with the knowledge that it's sometimes better to be on your own for all the right reasons, than to be with someone for all the wrong. So me and Adam ended just over six months ago. We still occasionally keep in touch, because it strangely feels right to do so. Adam was the closest I'd got to falling in love again, so I oddly find that hard to let go of. And for now, Adam is happy to indulge me.

I suck in a deep and determined breath, toying with the idea of now having a shower. Then another thought enters my mind. I've been sat here for so long, mulling everything over in my quiet mind, that it makes me realise that everything seems to always come back to Rex. I mean everything just comes back to him. Which is why the need to see him again consumes me. It's powering every thought and feeling I have. All those years that in my most selfish of moments, I had longed for him to come and find me, and in my even more selfish of moments, I had thought about trying to find him. Which has got me thinking, maybe there's a reason why our paths have crossed again? It just all seems so unbelievably coincidental to not act upon it. I know that he could be in a relationship. I know that he could be married with children, but I really feel that this is my one and only chance to say sorry. I can't tell him the reason why I left, but at least I can say sorry.

With a new lease of life willing me out of my bed, I kick off the duvet and decide to have that shower. As I wash away every excuse and explanation of why I shouldn't contact Rex, it only makes me even more determined to do just that.

With my wet hair and body, warmly wrapped in white fluffy towels, I impatiently call Angela.

In my haste to call her, I hadn't even considered that Aidan might answer first. I really can't face talking to him just yet, I'm only geared up to talk to Angela at the moment. My worries are promptly placated on hearing her cheery "Hello?"

I quickly respond, relief rushing through me. "Hi, Angela...it's me, Angel."

"Oh, I'm so glad you've called...are you alright?" She blurts out, sounding so genuinely concerned.

A small smile pulls on my mouth. "I'm okay, just a little shaken after bumping into Rex yesterday." I admit, plopping myself down on the edge of my bed.

Angela is quick to respond, a tiny gasp of air is expelled from her throat as she does. "What a shock it must have been for you...for you both!" She loudly declares down the line.

I'm nervous to ask, but know that I must. "So you know that we used to go out together, and that I suddenly left him?"

There's a brief pause, just a thoughtful but brief pause. "Angel, you were the love of his life. It took him a long time to get over you. Aidan saw him through it all. It's just so very weird for me that you're the Angel that Aidan once told me about."

I remain silent for just a moment, silently stunned by Angela's words. "And he was the love of my life." I eventually and quietly admit.

"So why did you just up and leave then?" Angela's tone of voice carries with it a confused timbre.

"It's a long story." Is all I am willing to give her, she is yet another person that I'm not ever going to be able to tell what really happened.

Angela softly snorts down the phone, followed by a softer laugh. "I'm still slightly freaked out by it all if I'm honest. Angel is a pretty unusual first name, but I didn't think for one minute that you and Rex's ex were the same person." She tells me, lightly laughing with disbelief.

Angela is so right, it's all so damn weird. Sometimes, the big wide world is actually much smaller than we know it. I decide to be brave, to ask what needs to be asked. "Is Rex married or in a relationship, Angela?" My question comes out far quicker than I would have liked it to, propelled by eager nerves.

Angela sighs before replying, like she's struggling with the answer. "Aidan has told me that I'm not to tell you anything, I'm so sorry. He says that you and Rex must sort things out between yourselves...I'm so sorry." She apologises again.

I grimace with uncertainty, gently shaking my head. "It's me who should be apologising, Angela. I'm so sorry to put you in such an awkward position. Aidan is right, this is between Rex and I." I swallow hard, my confidence and determination now dissipating into thin air.

Angela sighs louder this time, her voice full of rebellion. "I'm not going to get any sex for a month because of this, but what the hell!" She huffs down the line. "Do you have a pen?" She quickly asks, like she's wanting me to hurry the hell up.

I walk with the phone against my ear, aiming towards my dressing table. Picking up my pen, I ready it against my jotter block. "Yup, I have a pen." I eagerly say.

"Okay, Rex's mobile number is 07865 907149." Angela guiltily fires off his number to me.

Feeling equally as guilty, I thank her. "Thank you so much, Angela."

She softly laughs, still sounding understandably shifty. "I wish you luck, Angel."

"I hope I don't cause too much hassle between you and Aidan." I sheepishly tell her, staring down at Rex's number so roughly written down in front of me.

"Me too!" Angela admits. "Listen, I'd better go. We are just about to take the dog for a long walk through the woods."

I smile, still feeling so very grateful for the guiltily given number. "Take care, Angela. Thanks again, I'll see you tomorrow." I say goodbye, and hang up with my nerves already building inside of me. Ripping Rex's number off my jotter, I walk back towards my bed with it held tightly between my fingers; unsure of whether I actually have the guts to do anything with it.

I keep staring at the scribbled black numbers, knowing that I'm holding true hope in my hands. Hope for what exactly, I don't know. I only know that I need to start typing something to this number. With wary, shaky fingers, I find myself writing a text message.

Hello Rex, this is Angel.

Please forgive me for just messaging you out of the blue. I managed to persuade Angela to give me your number, so please forgive both me and her for that.

I'll be honest with you, it was a pleasant shock to see you yesterday. I know this may sound completely inappropriate, but I was wondering whether we could meet sometime? I don't know whether that's geographically easy for you to do, or emotionally easy for you to do? I just feel like I owe you an apology. I know that apology comes WAY too late, but it's one that I feel you need to hear. Judging by your reaction yesterday, I know it's a long shot...but seeing you after all these years, I feel like I at least have to try. I'll absolutely understand if you don't respond to this message, but know this...that as angry as you were yesterday, it was still so lovely to see you.

Angel x

My finger hesitates over SEND, with my mind racing through all of the possibilities if I decide to press it. Getting angry at my constant second-guessing of myself, I impatiently huff and send the damn message...regretful and relieved at the same time.