So I just cried my little heart out. I procrastinated on watching Pain because... I don't know, I just did. I watched a little and then slept and played Skyrim. But I just watched the rest of it and...damn it Mark you made me cry.

I don't know why I cried so much. I'm still a little teary-eyed. I've never really clicked with motivational stuff. My parents listen to and read a lot but it's never affected me strongly or stuck with me really. But something with Pain just clicked and now I'm crying. Good crying, just so you know.

The worst pain I've ever been in...I barely remember. It was a few years back, I was maybe 10 or 11. I was visiting family for the holidays. First ever white Christmas. Long, long story short my appendix ruptured. I was throwing up even the smallest sip of water and I couldn't walk. I was so exaushted and dehydrated and starving that I had to just crawl or scoot from room to room.

We all thought I just had a cold or something at first, because we all got sick with one when we first arrived. But when it got to the point I had to have a box with a trash bag in it with me at all times we finally went to the hospital.

I was so out of it and just not function from lack of sleep, water, and food that I didn't care what was happening. They stabbed me in four different spots with the IV needle trying to find a vein that was just flat and dehydrated and I barely even felt it. Then someone touched my side and it just...hurt. Only when someone touched it. I can't recall the pain itself but I can recall my mom being super worried.

They did some x-rays and discovered my appendix was ruptured, twisted up, and stabbing my liver. I was in and out of conciouness the entire time, but I remember fleeting moments of seeing the lights in the halls as I was wheeled around on the gurney. They gave me this stuff that tasted like the essence of bitterness and then I passed out again and went into surgery.

Recovery is a blur too. I couldn't walk for a few days afterwards, I could barely hobble a few feet to the bathroom. My mom stayed in the room with me the whole time and it helped. The recovery pain was awful. They made three incisions and they HURT. Moving in any way just hurt.

I think I partially repressed the memories or something because they're extremely fuzzy. I know that I was determined to get back on my feet so I practised walking again a lot. It hurt so bad but I hated just being confined to a hospital bed. I forced myself to walk down the hall outside my room a few times as practice. I can remember my mom and maybe a nurse cheering me on.

I got better. I got better faster than expected and my recovery went smoother than expected and I think it's because I WANTED it to. I think my attitude or something helped out. I got released. My incisions were still big, bleeding-is-entirely-possible scabs covered in cotton and tape. I think the bandages had been removed by then but I can't remember.

It still hurt so, so much. I was still so weak. I'd only been allowed to eat solid foods again my last day in the hospital, so my stomach was really small. But I made the most of the rest of my time with my extended family.

I went ice skating for the first time. I went sledding and hiking. I was maybe a week or something out of the hospital and determined to just do things. I was in pain but I powered through.

And I think why I cried so much at Mark was because I...don't have that anymore. I don't feel that zest for life or that "I'm going to do stuff even if it's hard!" attitude anymore. God, I'm crying again writing this.

I just sit around and lay around. I hardly wrote or read and I never, ever exercise. I'm constantly forgetting or just refusing to eat, sometimes out of pure laziness and not wanting to cook. And watching his video just made me remember that attitude I had and wonder where it went. I genuinely almost died back then and now instead of making my time count I'm just...wasting it.

The video made me realize I need to get that old attitude, the one that let me do a hike so soon after almost dying and being cut open, back. I need to find that old spark and grab it and not let it go. I need to write everyday because I want to leave something behind for when I do die, something I can be proud of. I want to be healthier and get better habits. I want to be positive and hopeful again.

If Mark can go from thinking he's nothing and being fine with mediocrity to what he is, to who he is, now? So can I. So can anyone. This outro is cheesy as hell but I stand by it.