I should not be in charge of myself, because I, once more, watched some Buzzfeed Unsolved (I found it because of memes and now it's a guilty pleasure) and now I can't sleep.

I keep thinking I see a figure in front of my door or feeling like I'm being watched and stuff... like I know this happens, why do I let it happen?!

Let me tell you a story. When I was little, I could not go upstairs by myself. I had to have someone walk behind me because I was terrified that I would be attacked and hurt/killed from behind. When I was little little. I had to have someone be outside the bathroom when I bathed because I thought I would be MURDERED BY EITHER PEOPLE OR MONSTERS/DEMONS WHILE I WAS IN THE TUB.

Why? No clue. I wasn't allowed to watch any scary movies or shows or anything like that. I was a sheltered child. But for some reason my whole life I've been terrified and convinced that I will see a face or figure in the dark.

We had this window in the old house, and it was in my parents bedroom, and when I was little I had a LOT of nightmares so I would sleep in my parents room most nights. And that window scared me to the day we moved out. I have no idea why-

HOLY CRAP IT STATYED RAINING AND THE SOUND SVARED ME SO BAD OH MY GOD I WANT TO CLOSE THE WINDOW BUT I'M TOO SCARED I'LL SEE SOMETHING BAD THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!

Whoo. Deep breaths.

As I was saying (god I'm still scared it's just rain noises I feel sickish now) I don't kniw why the window scared me. I just was always convinced that I'd look up and see someone or something staring at me through it. I thought I would look up and see red eyes, or a guy in a mask, or something like that. I never even got over it, I still got the feeling of being watched around that window even though there was no-one there and it was on the second story!

And that sort of fear had just followed me my whole life! I can't relax, because it's super hot tonight, and that means no covers and cooler pajamas, and that means my legs and feet and arms are incovered, and I do NOT like how vulnerable that makes me feel!

I keep thinking I'll suddenly feel something touch me, or I'll look up and see something in the shadows, god I hate this! It took me years to get over this and even then my method has always been distractions until I'm so tired I can't stay awake anymore!

And I don't want to fall asleep just to have another nightmare or close call with one! All my dreams either became a nightmare at some point or at least become very very stressful and unpleasant! It sucks!

Drowning, near drowning, apocalypses, having the ability to fly but it barely works and always gives out when I need it most, lots of Costco based nightmares for some reason, ZOMBIES, death, disgusting dead bodies, murders, just to name a few common themes in my dreams!

And I'm usually semi-lucid as well which just makes it more stressful. I have to force dream-me away from the nightmare but the nightmare doesn't give up and refuses to let me go and then I'm in a different terrible situation!

Here's a summary of my lastest dream:

Running from a werewolf through a small building, escapes it by flying (which requires me to constantly move my legs like I'm jumping and I feel so heavy it's so hard and the flying is so shaky and unreliable) and almost flys into a forest containing an abandoned and haunted amusement park, I manage to guide dream-me away, after some more flying I fall into a pool where a party is taking place and almost drown as the water fills with spilled beer and something yellow that I'd rather not know what it was, and then it ends with uh...making stir fry? That also almost killed me because it was a little poisonous?

I don't want that! Why?! Why was that a thing?!

Okay, time to head back to YouTube for more distraction. Sorry to dump all of this here, I just really needed to rant.