I'm feeling good right now because I was just smacked in the brain by a really good story idea so I'm ready to get into the moving situation.

Back when I was a little baby my parents decided they needed an actual house with a backyard because they knew they wanted more kids. So they got this house. But (I'm not super clear on this part so bear with me I only learned about it a few weeks ago) the bank added a bunch of extra stuff to the mortgage and said it was good to have, when it was actually so they could raise the price of the mortgage. And my parents, young and full of hope and joy, naive, and without a lawyer to look over the contracts to make sure they were fair, signed them.

When we we young my parents had pretty well-paying jobs. They weren't around a whole lot but the jobs were pretty gosh darn decent in salary. My dad was a chef, he always has been, and my mom was a manager at this fancy-shmancy hotel. Like, REALLY fancy and high-end. She met celebrities. And the restaurant my dad worked at was pretty gosh darn well-known and fancy too. Anyway, even with those salaries they couldn't pay the mortgage. A few years back my mom got a part-time job so she could homeschool us (and because her boss was the devil in high heels and my dad now works at a less well-known and fancy restaurant. 

We've been in a battle for the house for a few years now and we've lost. Even if no-one buys the house we're getting kicked out before the end of the month. If someone does at least we'll have extra time to pack and leave but I can't tell which possibility I hate more.

It feels not real and too real at the same time. I keep having moments of "God we have to move out of the one home I've ever known," and it sucks. It's not the biggest problem in the world and I know I should be grateful because it could be worse and my dad said it's not that big of a deal but I just hate it. My mom feels so guilty and I hate that too. Neither of the knew what decision they were making, it's the stupid bank's fault! They're literally making us move even if no-one else will live here!

To be fair I don't think I should be so upset. The house is kind of falling apart at this point. Still, no matter the holes or broken objects (sinks and toilets being among them, yay) or how overgrown the yard is to the point we literally just can't go out there, it's home! I'm very, very sentimental and I think it's making this harder than it should be.

I just hate it. I hate change and I hate abandoning things I've known/had for a long time and I hate thinking of other people coming in and painting over everything and changing everything. My bedroom walls have been the same way since I was a toddler. I hate the thought of someone coming in and erasing what makes it home. Oh god I'm going to cry.

I have this terrible feeling I'm going to kind of lose it when we leave. I know nowhere else will feel like home and I'm already always trying to ignore reality and even minor changes can  throw me into a tizzy. Knowing my own personality I just can't shake the feeling I'm not going to handle it well at all.

And if no-one buys it it'll just sit and gather dust and get overrun by vermin and bugs and I don't want that!

And I don't know what will happen to "my" cat. She's a stray that pretty much lives at put backdoor. We feed her and give her water and she lets up pet her and she's just so sweet! She's also at least partially blind, one of her eyes is very small and cloudy. I don't want to leave her Who will feed her if no-one buys it? What if someone does and catches her and sends to the animal shelter? They aren't no-kill! 

It's just so much and I hate it all and it feels like one of those stressful as h-e-double hockey-sticks dreams but I never get to wake up. It feels fake but way way too real. And nights are extra tough because my head is never nice to me at night without distractions anyway but now it's worse! Instead of just situations that will never happen but still upset me and memories I really don't want to remember it's this! So I've been staying up on my computer even more than usual and mom and dad aren't happy about it. Mom did comfort me when I ended up crying a lot last night and I told her a little so that was helpful.

So that's my life right now. I've talked to my parents a little about all this but they are both pretty stressed and feel bad enough themselves right now so I haven't been very deep with them about it. Sorry this was such a downer but I don't want to do the thing where I leave out the more major negative things in my life.