Maya

"Maya," my sister spits out, staring at me.

I look at my hands and fiddle with my shirt, avoiding her eyes. I know she wants more answers, but I'm not sure I'm ready to give her more at this point.

"Maya, what do you mean?" she asks again.

It's not like I can just pretend not to hear her, so I take in a deep breath. "I went to Albany because I had met this guy online. That's not why I left, but that's why I went there. I never told you that. So I went there, I got this tiny apartment and I got a job, and... Nell, I know I should have kept in touch with you. But I was in a really bad place, mentally. Things felt better for awhile. I felt free, and like I could be anyone I wanted. The online guy turned out to be a man whore who just wanted to have sex, so after a few months I stopped seeing him."

"Maya..." Nella says again, and I know she wants me to get to the point.

"I know I stopped emailing you back, and even though I gave you my New York number, I rarely answered your calls or texts. I know that I hurt you and I know it was stupid. But having a connection to here, to home, was too hard for me. I thought I would cut all ties and move on. It was hard, starting over, but then I met... Ryland."

"You told me about him. I remember I was pregnant with Willow when I read that email from you. You said you met this guy who was good to you and he took you out for dinner and..." She sees my face change and stops talking.

"Yeah. We met at a party, that I went to with my friend Tamara. I worked with her, and she knew all the best parties. Well, he was there with another girl, but he came and talked to me. And then we left together. And..." I try to take a deep breath but the air gets caught in my chest.  "For six months, things were good. That's why I told you about him. But after those six months..."

I can tell she doesn't know what to say, but her heart is breaking. For me.

"I stayed with him, for a long time. Even after I found out he was fucking other girls. Even after he didn't even acknowledge our one year anniversary. And even after he started... hitting me."

"Why? Why would you stay with someone who was treating you so bad?" She can't help it, she blurts out her feelings. Nella was always emotional and didn't control it all that well. That hasn't changed.

I just stare at her, because it's so obvious that she won't understand. She didn't date much when she was younger and I know that George - perfect, amazing George - was her first serious relationship. She didn't get a chance to find out that there are horrible, no good guys out there. Good for her, I mean. I'm glad she didn't have to go through anything like this.

"Maya, talk to me," she goes on, now reaching for my hand.

The bartender is on his way back over to us, two plates of food in his hands.  He places the potato skins in front of Nella and the mozza sticks in front of me. Nella says thank you and I wait until he's gone again. I even pick a mozza stick up and dip it in  some sauce and take a bite, just to give myself some time.

"I always attract guys like that," I finally say, as if this is funny. Nella doesn't even smile. "Ryland acted like he cared about me. He begged me to move in to his apartment. He took me places, he showed me off. My friends were jealous that he was my boyfriend. It was all very... you know, it was deceiving. I see that now." I stop to take another bite and then a sip of my beer. I can't wait to eat my burger. I haven't seen food this good in a long time. "But the months went on and I became very isolated. He stopped taking me out, he didn't invite me when he was going to hang out with people or to parties... but if I wanted to hang out with my friends without him, he freaked out and made it a huge deal. He always made it my fault. Something I did wrong. I believed him.  And then he started the threats. It was always... 'if you go out, don't expect to come back', or 'I'll tell those girls you work with that you are crazy'. I didn't want him to kick me out or tell my friends lies about me, so I just... I dealt with it."

"That's so... God, I can't believe you were going through all that," Nella finally says, after I stop. I can't believe I just told her all of that.   "I think I'm going to regret asking but... what made you finally decide to... leave?"

I'd already told her so much, but there was more. So much more. But it would have to wait, because I already have tears in my eyes and my stomach is growling. I'm not about to let myself cry like a baby in the middle of this pub, in my hometown.  I don't think I know anyone here, but still. I'm not doing it.

Nella notices that instead of answering, I start eating. My burger is there now and it's half gone before either of us talk again. She's eating, slowly, and watching me. I see the  pity on her face already. I don't want her to see me as someone who got abused, mistreated, who had to flee. But that's who I am now.  

Our food - which was amazing - is gone and all that is left is a sip of my beer, when Nella pulls out her credit card and pays the bartender. I don't say anything, but then she's standing up and her round belly is sticking right out, and it makes me smile. She fixes her sweater and grabs for my hand.

"Let's go."

"Um," I say quickly. "Okay. Where are we going?"

"My car," she says back, then shrugs.

We walk together out of the pub and across the parking lot, but she's  just a bit ahead of me, and when we reach her black car, she unlocks it and motions for me to get in. She doesn't start the engine, though, she just shoves her keys in the ignition and waits. She's still staring straight ahead and I can practically see the gears turning in her brain.

"You want me to answer that question now?" I ask, because I know it's all she's thinking about.

Finally she looks at me. She nods slightly. Of course she wants to know. She's my sister and she wasn't there for me because I didn't let her in to my world. I didn't tell her what was going on because I was afraid she wouldn't care. I thought she was still so mad at me for leaving. I even thought maybe I deserved it.

"Fine. You wanna know. I get it," I tell her, but I still don't answer the question. Not yet.

"I know it's bad. But I can't just keep wondering what happened."

"It wasn't one thing. The emotional abuse, the way he talked to me and threatened me, that had gone on for a long time. It became normal. But the physical..." I let my voice trail off, so I don't have to finish the sentence. "It was the last six months or so. The first time, he just grabbed my arm too hard. It left a bruise. I hid that bruise, and it didn't happen again for a bit. But then he was mad about something else, or he was too drunk, and he... he would hold me down and squeeze my arms, my legs. He just had this need to be in control, and he..."

"Oh, Maya..."

I look over and see that my sister is crying, but somehow I'm not. I've never told anyone about this, about how Ryland hurt me. I didn't even tell the people that I saw on a regular basis. Saying this out loud now felt surreal, like I was telling someone else's story. So I am not crying, but Nella is.

"I'm sorry," I say, but she's already shaking her head. "It got bad, that's all. And I just... I was sick of it. I kept weighing the pros and cons, you know? Staying, keeping my job, being hurt, to leaving, just taking off and hoping for the best. Two days before I left, he... he came home in the middle of the night and he was high and drunk and he... was yelling at me because someone told him that I had worked that day... no other reason, just that I'd gone to work... but he was so out of it and so much stronger than me... he held me down and had his hands on my neck-"

"Stop!" Nella shouts, scaring me.

"I'm sorry," I say again.

I'm still not crying, but she is wiping her face and sobbing. But then she's practically in the same seat as me, her arms around me, squeezing as hard as she can. I hug her back and her hair is all in my face but I don't care. I'm just so glad that I'm alive and I'm here, with her.

"Let's go get your phone number changed," she says, as soon as she's back in her own seat and her hands are on the steeling wheel.

She doesn't suggest I call the police or that I did anything wrong by leaving. She doesn't ask me to answer any more questions about why I am there, why I left, or what happened to me. I think I told her too much, but I'm glad she knows.

I pull out my phone for the first time since I was in the hotel room earlier, and there are a ton of messages, again. Texts from Tamara, a few calls. A few voice mails that I'll never listen to. Texts from Ryland and some from unknown numbers. My heart beats too fast, fear ripping through my body. What if he finds me? What if he's been tracking my phone and already knows where I am? Shit. I hadn't even thought of this before.

"You okay?" Nella asks, looking over as she signals to change lanes.

We are on way to the mall, where there's a kiosk that she says can help with my phone situation. She says the mall has been updated since I left, which is a good thing because it was pretty small and broken down when we were teens.

"I'm... yeah. Just thinking," I say, still staring at my phone.

"What about?" she wants to know.

"It's just... I wouldn't put it passed him to... you know, track my phone? Or have some way of finding me," I spit out, worried that I shouldn't even say it. I don't want her to be thinking about that.

"Has he called? Texted?" she asks, and my face obviously answers that. "Well, we'll get you a new phone then. If that's what we need to do."

"If he's already tracked it, he'll know I'm here," I say, feeling frantic.

"Take a breath. You're safe. I've got you," Nella tells me, then smiles. "George might seem like a teddy bear, but he's a tough guy. He's got a lot of friends," she goes on, now grinning at me. "We won't let anything happen to you."

I smile back because it's cute that she thinks her husband would defend me, just like that. He doesn't even know me. He only knows that I ditched my sister four years ago. But at least she has my back, for now. I know I have a lot more obstacles to cross, but for now, I'm okay.