Thursday 11th April

So this probably sounds like the most out of this world stupidly ridiculous idea that I've ever had, and given my recent behaviour the bench mark for crazy is already high, but I've been thinking more about my "attainable target" hypothesis, and there is one person that just will not be banished from my mind.

Now I can't quite believe I'm thinking this, let alone writing it down, but maybe, well, okay, deep breath, what about taking Harry Styles up on his offer? There I said it, but really, eww, what am I thinking, I hate Harry Styles!

But wait, if I consider my problem with a calm and logical approach, this habit of panicking about boys to the point of making myself sick, well it's just not normal. And I can't imagine that Harry would ever make me so nervous that I'll end up covered in puke. In fact he doesn't make me nervous at all, just really irritated, and if he did ever drive me to the point of vomiting then it would be out of disgust not lust.

But most of all, with time to reflect, I've realised that despite his general awfulness, he did show courage beyond that of the other boys when he spoke forth and told me that I was fit. And bravery is a very endearing quality in a man, something which Luke is clearly devoid of since he had to get Flora to ask me out for him. Plus, I guess Harry's always been popular, in a plonkerish sort of way, and his hair, well okay, it's currently more Typhoon Trevor than Jamie style curtains, but maybe, just maybe, it could look slightly trendy if a woman were to chuck a bucket of Frizz Ease at it. And if you squint and tilt your head then perhaps he isn't that bad looking? Who am I trying to kid, Harry is that bad looking! That's it I'm going to tell Mother to have me committed, if only to save myself from Harry Styles.

Friday 12th April

Well this is totally typical, but at least my indecision and temporary insanity have been resolved for me.

Now that I've set myself the disturbing objective of pursuing Harry Styles and his queerest of offers, he's only gone and got himself a girlfriend. I'm astonished; I mean who would actually want to go out with him for real? Maybe the young lady in question is also using him as an antidote to rationalise her way out of mental illness?

'You won't know her; she goes to St. Leonard's,' Liam informed me, as I made what I thought to be a cunningly subtle manoeuvre to gain information, 'anyway, why are you asking?' He quite rightly looked appalled, 'you don't like him do you?'

'Don't be so ridiculous, of course I don't like him!'

Saturday 13th April

Oh for once I am so lucky. As if Mother and Daddy trust me enough to leave me at home, alone, whilst they go on a 'mini break'. They have left their worldly possessions in my more than capable hands. Oh how they must really be confident of my maturity, to leave me alone for an entire week. Can you imagine Natasha's parents ever doing such a thing, I don't think so! Her mother would need to take a Valium just contemplating what stains might penetrate her carpets in her absence.

Of course Natasha came bounding round, hatching a plan, immediately as Mother and Daddy had departed.

'We are not having a party!' Natasha thinks it only the proper thing to do, a "rite of passage" that we celebrate my independence, despite my protests that Mother has too many breakable trinkets to risk pulling off even a social climbing coup such as a party.

'Stop being such a wimp Simone, there's no need to cry about it, and if you ask me most of that crap needs binning anyway, so you'd be doing her a favour. Plus, it's too late now, since I've already invited the boys around for the evening.'

'You've done what? Which boys?'

'Oh just some of the boys from school. Liam, Harry, Niall, Louis, everyone really.'

I might strangle her.

Later

Okay, so I've calmed down, and after some further persuasion from Natasha, well maybe she's right, maybe I'm being too uptight and having a party, or "soiree", as she insists on calling it, really isn't such a big deal.

'A soiree is a much more sophisticated party,' she continued with her sales pitch, 'it's what adults do. Parties are so Middle School.' Well if that's true then I guess I can handle a soiree. I am a teenager after all. I need to go wild for once; to run around the house in my bikini, drinking cocktails out of Mother's antique wine glasses and having rampant sex in her bed. That's right, have sex in her bed! Okay so the rampant part might be stretching it, but this is a prime opportunity to get things moving with Harry. Who cares about some pretend girlfriend that he may or may not have, I mean does anyone actually have any evidence to confirm her existence; I doubt it. And okay so it might be a bit presumptuous for us to have sex tonight, since we've not even snogged yet, but if things go well then maybe we could arrange it for tomorrow night? Let the soiree commence.

Later still

I'm such a tramp, a total desperado whore. I may as well have opened the door in my underwear proclaiming, "Take me now young warrior of the night!"

To say that I threw myself at Harry is an understatement. He was lolling about on the floor, which from my point of view was the open invite I needed to lie down next to him. I would seduce him with the scent of my new CK One perfume. Plus I was wearing my favourite black satin negligee top, the one emblazoned with "So Sexy" across the chest. But he was playing it cool all of a sudden, saying how he's got a girlfriend now, and how beautiful she is and how she could be a model, blah, blah, blah.

Later than I knew it possible to be

I've just finished speaking with Liam and my darkest fears have been confirmed. He is not of sane mind, absolutely bonkers, even more so than me.

Not only does he deem it appropriate to call me at such a ghastly hour, but his reasoning for the phone call reeked not just of delusion but arrogance too.

'Hi Simone, it's Liam. Are you okay, you sound worried?' Of course I sound worried, only a serial killer poaching for a couple of unsupervised nymphs would be calling at this time of night.

'It's past midnight, what do you want?'

'I was just wondering if you'd like to go for dinner sometime?'

'With who?'

'With me.'

'With you? What would give you that idea?'

'Well you've been flirting with me for so long now, and tonight even more so than usual, so I thought it's what you wanted.'

'I've done nothing of the sort!' I'm appalled. How can he be so bloody blind all the time? I have categorically not, nor would I ever dream of entertaining anything of the sort with him, evidence for such being that I've been trying to snog Harry for most of the night. How can he have failed to have noticed that we were laid on the floor together for over an hour? And to claim that I've been flirting with him before now too; doesn't he see how I have to drag my reluctant limbs just to sit next to him in Chemistry?

'Okay then, we'll leave it at that. I won't ask you again.'

'Who was on the phone?' Natasha glared at me suspiciously, as I re-entered the room.

'Oh just my grandma, she was just checking that we aren't having a party.'

Monday 15th April

Oh why hadn't I been stronger in my pursuit of Luke, and not fled at the first sign of action like a cowardly soldier. Since at least I actually fancy him and his delicately considered fashion sense. Which is a far better reason to dedicate time to his project, instead of wasting my efforts trying to convince myself that I might like Harry Styles, despite the fact that he has been vile for my entire life, and now I'm here, for the second time in as many months, a gormless fool failing to dodge Liam Payne ugly bullets of love too. Eww.

What a laugh I am. I'm ridiculous to be giving this much thought to two boys that aren't in the least bit handsome. What is wrong with my brain? It's time to get my priorities sorted. It's time to throw Harry Styles and Liam Payne right back in to the stinky refuse spewing skip that they came from. It's time to get Luke back.