Two days.

That's how long its been since I had "the talk" with Amelia about the affair—if I could even call it that. I had no idea how I was going to tell my family that the wedding was off. Not to mention the fact that I was in love with another man. Yeah, that little...chestnut.

Twelve times.

That's the number of times I picked up my phone and typed out a text I wanted to send to Grant—then deleted it. I was hopeful when I called him after I left Amelia's apartment. I thought he might be willing to spend time with me so we could talk. Talk and try figure this crazyness out. But he shut that shit down before I could even ask. He had that same odd note in his voice as the last time we ended things badly. That made me a little concerned that something happened. Maybe with his dad? I had no idea—and I wasn't going to be able to find out.

Twenty laps.

That's how many times I walked—or ran—through the forest that surrounded the rustic cabin I was staying in. It helped a little when the jumbled mess of my mind became too much. And if that didn't work, then the absurd amount of liquor I brought with me would.

As I sat on the porch swing, I listened to the cicadas sing as the sun started to finally go down. It was peaceful here. The perfect opposite from the inner turmoil I was dealing with.

Luckily, there was no cell reception here. Even though I knew when I went back into town to get more liquor and cigarettes—yeah, quitting didn't last— I was going to probably have missed calls from Amelia, Wyatt, and my family. Definitely not ready to deal with that.

Amelia said that I needed to tell my parents that the engagement was off and explain to them why it was off. That meant I needed to tell them about Grant. How would I even begin to tell them that?

Questions. There would be so many questions from my parents that I probably wouldn't be able to answer. Wouldn't feel comfortable answering. My mother—christ, my mother—was going to be heart broken.

I didn't know how she was going to feel about me and Grant, but I knew she was going to be upset about the failed wedding she thought was still happening. I ran my hand through my hair, tugging on the ends.

She was probably planning it right now. Picking flowers or tasting wedding cakes. Listening to bands. Fuck. What if she was with Amelia? Amelia promised to give me a week to figure my shit out, but what if she ended up telling my mother the truth because she couldn't lie to her face? I couldn't really blame her for that, could I? This was all just so messed up. 

I thought back to that night. Yeah, the one where I left my fucking jacket in his hotel room and came back. That night where we had mind-blowing sex and I ended up sleeping over. 

"I haven't been with anyone since..."

"Since what?" Even though my eyes were straight ahead, I knew that he turned to look at me.

I met his gaze. "Since the last time we were together."

He drew his brows together. "But you're fiancee..."

With a heavy sigh I turned back to look at the ceiling and I rested my left arm behind my head.

"When we first started dating, there were a few instances where it could have led to sex. She told me she wanted to wait. At the time, I didn't mind because it was what she wanted."

"And now?" Grant asked quietly. 

I didn't answer Grant that night. I'm not sure if it was because I was scared of the answer or if I was scared of him knowing the answer. Truth was...I didn't mind Amelia not wanting to have sex because I only wanted to have sex with one person. The one person who understood me—who got me. Who knew me. The one person that invaded my every waking moment. Hell, even sometimes my non-waking moments. 

I got up from the swing and started pacing around the porch. I was grateful that I remembered this place even existed. Grant and I found it online for rent when we were in college and threw a party here. We've only been back once since then. It was one of our random fucks. We came here for a few days on the bullshit pre-tense that we were going to just hang out. Yeah. That lasted about as long as my attempt to quit smoking. 

I came here because I wasn't kidding when I told Amelia I needed time and space. This place was perfect for it. Not to mention, it was off the beaten path. No one except Grant would know where to look for me and he made it pretty clear that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. 

Why was this happening? Why him? No one besides Grant made me feel like my world was spinning out of control. I've known for a long time that my feelings were more than just...that. Feelings. I've tried to hide it and push it deep down inside me. A lot of good that's done. The only thing that hiding how I felt has gotten me was loneliness and impending familial disappointment. 

A wave of frustration and heartache settled over me. I stepped into the cabin, grabbed my keys, and stalked to my truck. Booze. I needed more booze. I couldn't stand here with my thoughts any longer or I was going to fucking loose it. Maybe I already have. 

I climbed into my truck and started driving down the long dirt road. I grabbed my last cigarette from the pack and lit it. God, that's good. I knew I shouldn't be smoking. I knew what it did to me; but right now I didn't care. I didn't even give it a second thought, really. All I could focus on was trying to keep it together. 

As soon as I crossed the bridge to town, my phone started dinging like crazy. I didn't bother even looking at it yet. I needed to wait for it to catchup with itself. I turned onto the one main road that led to a few restaurants, a grocery store, and my all-time favorite: Hal's Liquor. 

I stopped here two days ago when I first rolled into the small town. When I approached the register with a cart full, the clerk asked if I was throwing a party. Yeah, I wish. I explained it was all for me and, although he was clearly concerned, he didn't pry. I went through all of it in those forty-eight hours. I wasn't proud of it, but I've also never felt so out of control before. So lost. I knew I had to deal with it eventually; but eventually wasn't today. Today was today and I needed alcohol.

When I pulled into a parking spot, I grabbed my phone and winced when I saw the many notifications. I had three missed calls from my dad, four from my mom, and there were text messages from both Wyatt and Amelia. 

Wyatt: Can we please talk about what happened? I don't like how we left things. 

Wyatt: Listen, I thought about what you said and you were right. There's no excuse for what happened. Look...please call me. 

Wyatt: Where the fuck are you, Logan? Don't make me come look for you. 

I didn't even bother responding to my brother. Not now. I was going to deal with him later. If I called now I would end up saying things I didn't mean and would later regret. Next were the texts from Amelia. 

Amelia: Hey. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. 

Amelia: Logan, Wyatt is concerned. I am, too. Where did you go? Can you at least tell me that? I'm trying to keep my promise, but I'm really worried. 

I didn't feel like responding to her, either. But I had a sinking feeling that if I didn't, then she would call a freaking search party to come find me. That was the last thing I wanted or needed. Before I changed my mind, I started typing my response. 

Me: Hey, Amelia. I'm sorry I haven't answered you. I've just been trying to figure things out.

Her reply was instant.

Amelia: I was worried about you. Are you alright? Wyatt has been asking questions...

That wasn't fucking surprising. I wasn't the 'take off and disappear' type. He probably thought I ran away with some girl I was rebounding with. God, I hoped so. That was so much batter than him knowing the truth. Wyatt has always seen me one way; and I didn't know if I was ready for that to change. He was my brother. My blood. 

I exhaled a deep breath and sent my reply. 

Me: I'm okay. I just need time. Tell Wyatt I'll explain everything. Please don't tell him, Amelia. He needs to hear it from me. 

Amelia: I promise. Stay safe. 

Staying safe wasn't the problem. 

Staying sane was the problem. 

Happy Thursday! You may have seen this aesthetic on my Insta—I wanted to include it here because I feel like we can really see what Logan is going through 😭 I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! These two amazing MCs have a long way to go 🖤

As always—thanks for reading!

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