Title: Dragon's Breath

Author: vampire9000

Summary: 4/5

That last paragraph of yours completely won me over. It's so intriguing to know about characters who are about to learn that their perception of the world is not necessarily accurate, and you seamlessly weave in the setting and the conflict, while hinting at the stakes (a war is never something to be treated lightly). Well done!

Personally, I think you should mention the war towards the very start, because when you mention how the truce is required for their survival, it seems quite random and out of place. By mentioning the war first and then explaining how the truce is relevant, the summary will be more cohesive.

And, finally, one quick thing:

Her horde despite bitter disputes, is determined to forge an alliance with the humans of the northern region.

You're missing a comma for fluency. It should be:

Her horde, despite bitter disputes, is determined to forge an alliance with the humans of the northern region.

Grammar: 1.5/5

Grammar, unfortunately, was the aspect you could most improve on. It got to a point where it started affecting your writing style and clarity. However, don't worry – I'll break it down for you a bit more.

First of all, the biggest issue was dialogue. Whenever a new character speaks, their dialogue must be in a new paragraph. For example:

"Father." I greet looking up at him. The depths of his cold eyes search mine. With a forced smile he says, "You may rise." Thank you father." I say curtly.

There are a few things incorrect with that example above. But, the major one I want to speak about is paragraphing. Whenever a new character speaks, a new paragraph is required. It should look like:

"Father," I greet, looking up at him.

The depths of his cold eyes search mine. With a forced smile, he says, "You may rise."

"Thank you, Father," I say curtly.

Now, another thing you will note is that I changed the punctuation before the closing inverted commas. That is another thing you need to watch out for: if dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Yes." I say, placing my hands behind my back.

It should be:

"Yes," I say, placing my hands behind my back.

Next, apostrophes. Whenever you are talking about something belonging to someone else, you need an apostrophe to indicate this. For example:

I push open the heavy iron doors leading to my fathers throne room.

The throne room belongs to her father. It should be:

I push open the heavy iron doors leading to my father's throne room.

Also, another thing with apostrophes: if you're going to be using a contraction of words, you need the apostrophe to indicate this. For example:

"Ive thought about this so long..."

The first word is a contraction of 'I have', which should be expressed as:

"I've thought about this so long..."

Be careful of missing words, such as:

I must I am rather enjoying the sight.

Did you mean 'I must admit'?

Make sure you have the correct forms of words, as well as the correct spelling. For example:

I don't think the people in the castle would be to kine on me bringing back a stray human.

First of all, 'keen' is not spelt as 'kine'. Next, it should be 'too' instead of 'to' (to expresses motion in a direction, whereas too means excessively). It should be:

I don't think the people in the castle would be too keen on me bringing back a stray human.

Another example:

"So, little lady, you're hear for a sword?"

Hear is a synonym for listen. You were looking for:

"So, little lady, you're here for a sword?"

Next, be careful of making sure you are consistent regarding plural and singular forms of words. For example:

"I have no earthly idea why he thinks I've been meeting up with a women."

Women is the plural form. However, 'a' indicates that it's a singular. It should be:

"I have no earthly idea why he thinks I've been meeting up with a woman."

Next, ellipsis. If you are using ellipsis, make sure you have three dots. It should not be:

"I wouldn't exactly call her a women......."

It should simply be:

"I wouldn't exactly call her a woman..."

The biggest issue I found was commas. There were little to no correctly placed commas. I know commas are particularly tricky, so I highly recommend reading your story aloud. Whenever you reach a part that needs a pause for fluency, I encourage you to add a form of punctuation there. You have run-on sentences everywhere. For example:

I walk slowly through the room the sound of my feet scraping against the floor is painfully prominent.

You actually have two independent clauses stuck together in that single sentence, when they should be two separate sentences entirely. It should be:

I walk slowly through the room. The sound of my feet scraping against the floor is painfully prominent.

Also watch out – sometimes, the starts of your sentences did not begin with capital letters. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

What I love about Nora is that she's not submissive. She argues with her father when he tries to send her to the capital city, but she still shows a softer side – crying in Gregory's arms when she talks about her brother. It's also fantastic to see how she slowly develops. She learns to get over her prejudice towards humans, and she learns not to blame Gregory for her brother's death despite the initial bias.

However, since it is in first person, make sure that her emotional progression is cohesive. For example, let's talk about when she suddenly snaps and acts sadistic and violent towards Mr Blanc. The way she described the anger was simply brilliant; comparing hot, fiery anger to cold, silent anger. However, when the moment is over and Flavius calms her and they kiss, the mood shift felt too sudden. You need to make sure the reader is eased into her thoughts and emotions, so her actions don't feel too sudden and disjointed.

Speaking of Flavius, I did find it a little corny that he called her beautiful at their first meeting. That being said, he is a calm stone to her fire, and they have good banter (how gentlemanly of him to point a sword at her!) and immediate chemistry. I, personally, think you could have stretched out their romance a bit more, but that's because I'm unsure of where the story is going next.

Last thing, make use of descriptions to back up your characters' observations. For example:

Normally when I'm this close to a human they show some form of fear, but not him he's rather calm, a little shocked, but still so abnormally calm.

Ignoring the lack of commas, let's talk about showing that moment instead of telling it. How did she know he seemed calm? What gave a way that he was a little shocked? Was it slightly widened eyes? Show the moment to us. 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Your writing style, in all honesty, was hindered by your lack of punctuation. Without appropriate placement of commas, it was difficult to get a sense of fluency and cohesion. Once you've gotten that covered, you'll be good to go. However, a few more specific things:

You have some great moments of description. I especially loved the way you compared Nora's initial mountain scent at home to the human perfumes she is now bombarded with. However, I always wished for more – the castles, the officials, the overall atmosphere of each setting. Also, when you do have description, make sure it's clear. For example:

I wake up the next morning before sunrise, causing the castle to be shrouded in an eerie darkness.

That above sentences makes it sound like the castle was shrouded in darkness because she woke up. Consider:

I wake up the next morning before sunrise to see the castle shrouded in an eerie darkness.

You also had some nice metaphors! However, once again, for the sake of clarity, be careful:

I'm just a ball bouncing, appearing free to the casual glance, yet always restrained by an ugly rope.

A bouncing ball isn't usually restrained by a rope, so the metaphor itself contains inconsistencies. 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

I like that you started in the thick of the conflict – announcing immediately that Eleanora will be sent away. From there, the story moves very smoothly, with each chapter linking clearly into the next (aside from perspective switches, but those were handled soundly, as well).

I did enjoy the twist of the royal family being a family of dragon slayers, and learning more about how Nora's father is quite possibly a lying bastard. Seeing the way she treated Mr Blanc, I am very much excited for what I think might be a vengeance plot, as well as a 'let's try to see who did it' sort of narrative, which is always very thrilling. Great work!

I do wish, however, that you were more detailed when it came to changing forms. When Nora is talking to Loki in that first chapter, she just suddenly changes form in a matter of a few words. Remember: the reader is still settling into that world. I can imagine that changing from a dragon shape would involve a lot more than just a thought – what would that feel like? What are the mechanics underpinning that? Really immerse your reader. 

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25

Overall, a really intriguing concept with a steady plot. Make sure you work on your grammar and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!