A grin blooms on my face as the hounds meet me at the front doors, then run around the yard as if they know their parents need a little time alone. I walk through the front door and take a deep breath of the warm air. Our house smells like us along with warm fire and paper. I've yet to find a better scent in the entire world.

I take my time slipping off my shoes and multiple layers as I head to our bedroom, stacking clothes over my arm instead of leaving a trail. Az isn't in the bedroom and I know he'll be in his office to give me space if I want it. For comfort, I choose a light dress since the room is practically sweltering and I'm well aware he made it so on purpose. For me, always for me. Thick, fuzzy socks are pulled up to the middle of my calves before I slink out in search of my mate.

He's exactly where I thought he'd be.

His office doors are cracked open and he isn't even pretending to be working as he leans back against his desk with arms crossed tight across his chest. I push the left door open and his eyes don't leave the floor, but his body stiffens even more. "I'm sorry." He says instantly and his throat bobs when he swallows. "I failed you."

I release a long breath and shake my head as I take a few steps towards him. "Azriel—" I start, but he holds a hand in front of him before we meet. I pause, giving him his space as our eyes finally meet. The pain and guilt in them echo in me, but I fall silent so he can say what he needs to.

"I failed you." He repeats, hooded eyes on mine. "It's my responsibility to protect you, to prevent pain from reaching you, and I left you unprotected as well as caused you pain." His jaw locks and my hands clasp to keep from reaching out to him. "In the moment, I thought I was protecting you, but I didn't think of you first. Dismissed your words and emotions with the singular thought that I had to defend you while you were shivering on top of me." He uses each word as a whip to slice across his back and his knuckles are white. "If you want to leave, then—"

"Stop." I can't take it anymore and he goes still again as if preparing himself for me to turn on my heel to leave him in here alone. "Listen to me." My voice is gentle and pleading while his eyes begin to shine withheld emotion. "I am yours. My honor is yours to protect just as yours is mine. I'm not upset because you wanted to defend me, I was upset because you lost yourself in your anger. Our wellbeing, yours and mine, comes first before we start ripping off people's heads. Whether physical, emotional, mental, any."

I step closer and when he doesn't make any indication that I should stop, gently rest my hands on his forearms. His body laxes at the touch, but his expression doesn't change. "Listen to me," I whisper, choosing my words carefully. "I know your anger. Know it runs deep." That cold rage sleeps in him, put there by the abuse he suffered for so many years. I don't turn away or flee from it. It should be there. Deserves to be after everything he's been through.

My hands move to slide over his chest and rest over his heart. "But I know your love too. And I know your love is greater than your anger." I smooth my fingers over his face and hold him gently in my hands as his eyes burn into mine. "I accept your apology. I'm sorry for not telling you what happened."

"I don't blame you with how I reacted." He murmurs and my grip on him tightens before smoothing over him again.

"Don't do that. Don't use this to convince yourself you're unworthy." My hands fall to tug his arms from over his chest and he releases a sigh as they fall to his sides. "We both made mistakes. Now, we learn from them and move on. If you're willing." I trail off and smile when his hands lift to frame my face.

His eyes are soft as he scans mine and I open my mind to him so he knows I'm being honest. I relax further when he opens himself to me and I'm able to lavish love over everything that hurts while he does the same for me. "I'm sorry." He whispers and I lean into him as his arms slide around my waist to tug me close.

My head rests on his chest and his body finally relaxes as he holds me. Finally, peace settles over me. "I'm sorry too." I breathe and listen to the soothing beat of his heart. "I...I didn't have anyone to defend me for a long time." His arms tighten around me before I pull back a little so I can see his face. "I love that you want to."

"I love you." He emphasizes and I practically melt into his arms. "I would do anything for you."

"I know." I soothe and slide my hands over his back. "Just hold me." Gently, he stoops and lifts me up into his arms as my legs lock around his waist. He doesn't bother carrying me into the bedroom and instead settles back on his desk without a thought to the papers we're disturbing. I bury my head in his neck and he takes a deep breath of my hair.

"I trust you." He murmurs and the weight on my heart lightens a bit even as guilt makes a home in my gut at the secret I'm keeping from him. "We have secrets from one another, such is the nature of my work and I know there are things you aren't yet ready to share, but we can never have lies. Agreed?"

I press a few gentle kisses to his neck before leaning back to see his eyes that shine. My lips press together for a moment before I nod. "Agreed." Secrets, fine. Lies...lies I can do without. A little sigh leaves my lips as I remember I have an appointment to keep. "I promised I'd go see Rhys." The reminder is as much for me as it is for him. It's incredibly tempting to simply remain here wrapped up in Azriel. "But we have more to talk about when I get back, okay?" If he's going to trust me, then I have to trust him.

His head falls and my eyes shut as his lips skim over my hairline, then press in front of my ear as he stands. "I'll be here." He promises while my feet hit the floor and I take a step back.

A look at his face makes me rethink going, but I said I'd meet Rhysand and would rather he didn't randomly show up in my bedroom. All the same, I step back to him and go onto my tip-toes to brush my lips against his. I'm tender with this kiss as I try to convey my love for him in every movement. It's languid and slow and searing with my hands smoothing up his chest while his slide over my waist to press me closer. We part and I'm glad to see a little bit of light back in his eyes.

"You said you love my soul and that you'd never leave me. The same holds true from me to you." I promise and mean every word. The corner of his mouth lifts but doesn't reach his eyes. After slipping on some thick pants and putting my shoes back on, I tiredly winnow to the lake. It's nearly sunset, but the sky is still painted gold with sunlight. I release the damper on my shadows and let them cover me and the nearby landscape. If Rhys comes looking, I'll be easy to find.

While I have time, I go through my normal workout of stretches and breathing. Every free second I have in the coming months will have to belong to training. I won't have my wings or my magic in the Rite, so I'll have to be more than deadly without them. Weapons won't be allowed either, except the ones I make, and I need to start thinking about what's best to use for all of that.

My shadows flare at the thought of being sheared from me and I run a soothing hand over the nest that always rests in my black curls. "Only for a little while." I assure them, but they seem to hiss with distaste.

"Don't like it."

"It's not about liking it. It's about what has to be done." They don't respond to that and I shake my head at their silence.

Soon, Rhys arrives and my shadows greet him by clearing the space around his feet like a gaping maw, then relax as they dance over him. Rhys shakes his head and releases his power as well with a roll of his shoulders and a relieved sigh. "Your shadows and Az's are so different. Sometimes I think they like me more than you do." He says with fingers flitting over the ones dancing through his hair.

My eyes roll and I relax out of my position to settle down on a flat boulder nearby. "Not a surprise that shadows like the person who embodies the night; the place the shadows find rest." I quip, and his lazy smile widens as the stars around him glimmer a little brighter.

"Now, would you like to rip the bandage off yourself, or should I charm you into it?" He offers while leaning on a tree in front of me and I find myself rolling my eyes all over again.

"You Illyrian males really need a hobby." I sigh and wiggle all my toes because I can.

Rhys shrugs a shoulder without taking his eyes off me. "But that would prevent me from showering you with my affection, little sister."

My nails drum on the boulder. "You know, we could do normal things together. Take a walk on the beach. Go swimming. Drown in your various bottle of wine."

Surprise ripples across his face. "Would you want to do those things?"

My brows furrow at the question. Despite our teasing, I always thought Rhysand knew how much I care for him. "I do actually like you, Rhys." I tell him and his eyebrows pop up the same time his smile splits his face in half.

"Course you do. I am, by far, the most lovable of the group. Feyre withstanding." He teases and my head shakes, but I make a mental note to be less sparing with my affection for Rhys. After all, I'd made the deal with Devlon to spare more than Velaris, Cassian, and my mate. It's for him too. Perhaps him most of all.

I heave a breath as we come down to the business at hand. "How much do you know already?"

Rhysand's eyes surf over me coolly, assessing. "Az wouldn't show me the memory to respect your privacy, but explained in the vaguest of terms what happened." So, he's nearly in the dark.

I chew on the inside of my cheek before speaking, "I don't want Devlon dismissed or to receive any recourse for his actions." Even as I say it, Cassian's words rise to the surface of my mind.

Rhys doesn't even blink. "We'll discuss that after I see what happened." He says and keeps going when I open my mouth, "You may be my Advisor and partner to Cassian in the Steppes, but I am in charge of all of it. Including you." The last bit is said gently, but I pout all the same. "I'll listen to your argument, but I'll be the one deciding if he deserves recourse." I bite my tongue to keep in a dozen or so comments and nod in surrender. His eyes are on mine as talons skim my mind and I open a pocket to him, then reluctantly show him what happened.

His power gutters with Devlon's words, then flares seemingly over the world the second I'm touched. A snarl rips through the woods, cut off in the middle as Rhys reigns himself in when the memory ends. I wait a moment as the world trembles around us at the power emanating from my friend before letting my shadows flicker over him with little touches to take his mind off things. Playful nudges from childlike hands tug at the corner of his clothes and his hair until his power smooths into the starry night again.

"No wonder Az was going to shred him." He breathes and I can see the same desire in his eyes as well as the shadowy claws that flicker over his hands.

I wring my hands in my lap. "Rhys—"

"Why did you go?" He interrupts me and I freeze as he stands up straight rather than leaning on a tree. His eyes are burning as he looks at me and my hands squeeze each other a little harder. "I told you not to go there the day after. We're going there tomorrow anyway, Kaira."

"Fuck, Rhysand, do you think I went there for that?" The words slice through the air as my own temper flares. My hands begin to tremble as I shove them through my curls. "Do you think I wanted him to talk to me like that? To touch me like that? I didn't. I hated it." Bile curls up on my tongue before Rhys steps forward and smooths his hands onto my own in my lap to stop their trembling.

His next words come a little gentler. "Then why?"

I sigh. "I don't want to have a babysitter every time I go to the Steppes. I wanted to try to help the situation there on my own. Besides, they need to see me and know that I can take charge just as well as Cassian."

"And when you came back, why did you hide this?" I see it then, the hurt lingering in his eyes behind the worry and anger. My hands turn to cling to his.

"Not because I didn't feel like I could tell you." I assure him first. "I knew how upset you all would be. I wanted to shield you from that. But I also know that we need Devlon. That he's the lesser of many evils that could take his place. I didn't want to start something that would cause a negative chain of events." Rhys angles his head up to look at the sky as I push on, "Which is why none of you should mention this to him—"

"Like hell, Kaira." He responds, whip-sharp, but my grip tightens on his hands as I hold firm.

"You are my teammates, my partners, and my family which means you watch my back and I watch yours. It doesn't mean that I need protecting or that I can't handle myself, but I will be seen as weak if you all come in to try and handle the problem for me."

Rhys huffs and removes one of his hands to run it over his hair. "It's not about you. He showed one of his leader's disrespect. If he said that to Cassian, I'd kill him."

My arms cross over my chest as I give him a pointed look. "That's not true. They'd have a brawl and you'd leave it at that. You'd let Cassian handle himself. You are making this a special case because of me and my past. And yours." I add gently.

Quiet stretches between us as Rhys considers my words. He shrugs a shoulder. "What if I am? You're my little sister, in more ways than one too, so why shouldn't you be a special case?" Danger flickers in his dark eyes and my jaw clenches.

"Because it's stupid." He quirks a brow and that flicker grows, but I'm undaunted. "Devlon is the lesser of many evils and despite being...what he is, he can be reasoned with. Others may not be and they'd be biased against us if we got rid of Devlon for a reason as slight as this. I'm not the only one you have to think of, High Lord. You have to put Velaris first." I remind him and slowly, that flicker in his eyes lessens to a simple shine.

"You know, I've never really liked logic." He says and I snort, returning the small tilt of his lips. "I'll think on what you've said, but no matter what happens, I won't forget this. One thing you need to remember, Kaira, is that I will sacrifice much to keep Velaris safe. Myself is obviously included in that." I frown at that, but don't interrupt him as he goes on, "But I would never sacrifice any of you. Not your bodies, your safety, your comfort. Especially not yours, little sister."

I blink, surprised to find tears stinging the back of my eyes. "I know that, Rhys." My voice is barely a whisper, but I know he hears me when he steps close again.

"So, if anyone should ever touch you or speak to you in such a way again, kill them. I don't care if it's a High Lord or an Illyrian soldier." There's no light in his eyes and I weigh each word carefully before nodding. "If you don't want to, then one of us will. Some with a little more creativity than others." Slowly, stars begin to blink back to life in the depths of his eyes and levity starts to leak back into the air again. Rhys offers me a hand to get off my boulder, but I push it aside before hopping up and wrapping my arms around his neck. Surprise makes Rhys slow to return the embrace, but then he wraps his arms around me tighter than he ever has and presses a kiss to my hair.

Finally, I let myself cry silently into his shoulder. Not for Azriel, not for my fallen family, but for me and the pain I kept to myself. The pain that had Azriel jumping to my defense when I didn't. Even though I was trying to remain in Devlon's good graces for our deal, I allowed him to disrespect me.

Never again.

"I would do anything for you. You know that, right?" I ask, my mind on the task I'll have to complete and how he'll feel when I'm called to the Rite. Rhys may give himself up for Velaris, but I'd happily give myself up for Rhys. For any member of my family. Even to spare them a simple moment of pain.

Rhysand's hand is gentle as he slides one over my curls while the other keeps me anchored to him. "I know." He assures me and my eyes shut as my tears ebb away until I'm spent, but more at peace than before.

"Thank you for coming when I called. For keeping Azriel safe." That's one thing I'll never forget either. When I called, he came.

He presses a firm, hard kiss to my head and I swear I feel a little wetness when he rests his cheek on my head. "Always, little sister."

*A/N*

What Cassian said to Kaira is so important to me because I've found it to be true for so many abuse survivors. Survivors of many types of abuse. Sometimes, it's easy to feel like the way people treat you is fine because it isn't as bad as the way you've been treated previously. But it still doesn't give them the right to treat you like trash. And sometimes the way friends defend you are the way you should be defending yourself. <3

Rant over. ;)