Born in Sin (Prologue - 4) by Shadoevines 

Reviewed by AmyMarieZ

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Overview: Born in Sin is an exciting romance story based in a science fiction setting and filled with tons of adrenaline pumping action. The story follows Neo, a professional thief and member of the Vaulkarian species of humanoid aliens. When his close friend Tamara guilts him into a dangerous mission—stealing military codes from the palace of the cat-like Physoldi aliens—Neo runs into more trouble than he is expecting. Not only is he in dangerous territory with The Sonar, an elusive, mysterious and dangerous group originally formed to keep peace throughout the solar system, but he also finds himself in a tight situation with the Physoldi species themselves. Love, war, emotion and suspense drive this thrilling story along!

Structure: The story is written in the past tense third person point of view. However, I was uncertain if the story was intended to be third person limited, or if it was intended to be in the third person omniscient. Each chapter seems to have one character whose POV was shown almost exclusively (except chapter 1 where the POV character switched from Tamara to Neo halfway through the chapter.) However, in most of the chapters, thoughts and perspectives were briefly shown for other characters.

My opinion is that this story could work very nicely as third person limited, switching POV characters between chapters but sticking to one character for each chapter (or in the case of chapter 1, switching halfway through but remaining consistent otherwise.) I think the intensity of each chapter would be higher if it was completely focused on what one character knows, leaving a bit more mysterious and uncertain. My suggestion would be to read through the chapters and identify the character whose view is primarily shown, and then omit or revise any parts where the perspective switches. I have left comments in the story inline noting where I noticed POV switches, so I will not reiterate the specifics here.

Grammar: Overall, the grammar of Born in Sin was well done. The story seems like it is in a first draft state, so there are a number of typos or small errors throughout. However, it seems like the author has a good grasp on sentence structure and grammar. I think with a couple of proofreads the chapters could easily be polished up. I did notice a few persistent grammatical errors/issues throughout that I'll briefly mention here.

First, I noticed that there were a number of sentences that were very long. In general, the narration showed a strong and consistent voice, however sometimes this voice had a tendency to go off on tangents. These were the points where I noticed that sentences were very long. While it is a stylistic choice, my suggestion would be to be particularly carful of the wording of these sentences, because at times they became confusing to read. I have recommended a number of places where I thought specific sentences would benefit from reconstruction inline in the story.

The other grammatical issue I noticed was with regard to dialog tags. Dialog tags are anything following dialog that directly indicates speech, for example: "he said," "I whispered," etc. When a dialog tag is used, the dialog within the quotation marks should end with a comma, and then the beginning of the tag should be lowercase unless it is a proper noun. The exception would be if the dialog ends in an exclamation point or a question mark. In these cases, a comma is not used but the tag should still be lower case. To take an example from chapter 4:

"You won't get away." Jaqueline hastily whispered up towards to man.

"Maybe not. But I gotta try, right?" He whispered back into her hair.

Should be punctuated (I have also replaced "to" with "the"):

"You won't get away," Jaqueline hastily whispered up towards the man.

"Maybe not. But I gotta try, right?" he whispered back into her hair.

Pace: The pace of Born in Sin is excellent for the most part. Each scene is developed with enough description to make it easy to visualize, but not too much that it slows the pace of the story. Character actions and scene transitions are presented clearly. The pace of the plot development as a whole is well done as well. Each chapter pushes the plot along, keeping the reader engaged and invested in the story.

Something I particularly liked about the pacing was the presentation of backstory. Throughout the story, backstory, history, and world building explanations are presented through the narration. However, for the most part, the presentation of this backstory works very well with the pace of the story. It helps to slow the pace down when necessary to allow the reader a bit of extra time to digest what is going on and what everything means. These breaks are written in a way that is interesting and relevant to the current action, so for the most part they are not a distraction.

The only locations where I thought the pace of the story was a bit slow was in the prologue. In the prologue, the narration goes on a number of long tangents to provide backstory and explanation of character traits. While they are written in a way that is interesting, this early on in the story I found them just a bit too distracting. I think the opening hook would be a bit more effective if a few of the tangents were omitted or shortened, placing a stronger focus on the action to really pull the reader in.

Character Development: Something I really love about Born in Sin is the variety and diversity of the characters, both in appearance and personality. The descriptions of character appearances are all wonderfully vivid, making it easy to picture each of them. Another thing I was very impressed with was the number of characters presented in the first few chapters. Although probably five to six major characters were introduced, each of their personalities, appearances, and motives were clearly defined, making them all memorable! In this section of the review, I will briefly provide my thoughts on a few of the key characters.

NEO: Neo is clearly the main character in the beginning of this story. He is a professional thief and a member of the Vaulkarian species of aliens. The Vaulkarians are characterized as humanoid creatures that are considered the epitome of attractiveness by other species throughout the solar system. In the prologue and first chapter, a large amount of time is spent explaining how Neo has experienced difficulties simply because of how attractive he is. While I normally find characters that are so attractive they view it as a flaw a bit irritating, I actually liked Neo a lot. He seemed to have a good sense of humor about all of it and didn't moan and whine about it. I particularly liked the part at the end of chapter one where Neo considers that he would like to simply find one woman to love and settle down a bit. I think his aspirations and desires made him a relatable and likable character.

Something I really liked about Neo was how much humility he had. As he was carrying out the job of stealing the military codes from the Physoldi, he overhears a conversation between the queen and Ero, the second in command. Neo realizes that stealing these codes will completely destroy the Physoldi's chance of freedom from The Sonar, the group that he views as the enemy as well. Neo questions if he is really going to go through with his mission. I think the fact that he is considering the wellbeing of his target humanizes him so much, because he shows sympathy even for those he should be viewing as the opponent.

TAMARA: I really liked Tamara. She seems to have a lot of spunk, but I feel like I want to know more about her. She is introduced right at the beginning in the prologue, but the last we see of her is in chapter 1. While her character is not present in any of the scenes after this point, I felt like keeping her more relevant in the story might not have been a bad choice. Simply having Neo think about Tamara a couple more times throughout the chapters that followed could be a nice way of provided more character development for her and preventing her from being forgotten or lost.

E'GA: E'ga is the queen of the Physoldis, a group of cat-like aliens. What I like about E'ga is that she doesn't fall into the stereotypical slot of a stern and powerful queen. She has weaknesses that balance her out and make her human. For someone in a position of so much power, E'ga is highly emotional. When things aren't going her way, for example when she is on the call with Ero, she lets her emotions come out and shows her feelings of fear and worry. However, despite the fact that E'ga lets her emotions control her to some extent, she still manages to do her job with a stern fist. When the guards and Ero, the second in command, are torturing their prisoner Neo without her permission, she really puts them in their place, reminding them who the queen is.

Even though E'ga isn't the main character of the story, I really liked how much backstory she has. She was not born into royalty, but actually married into it. However, tragically her husband, the king, passed away. Generally, I would not expect her to keep the throne, however it seems that in Physoldi law she does. E'ga also has a long standing emotional and physical relationship with Ero, her second in command. When Neo first observed their conversation over the hyperlink, they way they spoke to each other seemed a bit odd for a solely business relationship. However, looking back on it after knowing that there is something else going on between them, they way they spoke to each other makes complete sense!

I also really loved the way E'ga's relationship with her pseudo-adopted daughter Jaqueline is shown. Even though Jaqueline is of a different species, it is clear that E'ga has a level of unconditional love for her. I like how it was explained that Jaqueline showed up at the palace right after the passing of E'ga's husband, and E'ga took her in, simply because "there is no one else." I loved this. E'ga is one of my favorite characters.

JAQUELINE: Like Neo, Jaqueline is a Vaulkarian, however she works as a servant in the Physoldi palace. The fact that she works as a servant confused me slightly, because E'ga, the queen, views her as an adopted daughter. At times, other characters even refer to her as "princess." I was uncertain why she would be working as a type of servant if she is viewed as a princess in the palace.

Jaqueline was also a confusing character to me throughout chapter three. Her personality seemed to be a bit inconsistent. At first, she is shown as caring and concerned for Neo, even though he hit her over the head with a paper weight. She goes so far as to think that he is unlike other male Vaulkarians she has seen because he isn't an asshole. This seemed off to me, because she had only just met him and in that time the only thing he had done was hit her in the head. I think for her thoughts on him to make sense here, the reason why she thinks he is not an asshole would need to be developed a bit more. I think simply having her consider the fact that she saw regret in his eyes when he did it or that she thought he used restraint could be enough to make her opinions on him realistic.

When Neo wakes up, Jaqueline acts flirty, teasing, and venomous as she talks to him. However, she almost immediately switches to a much more reserved, emotional, and sweet character as the chapter progresses and she speaks with E'ga. Her sudden shift in character was jarring in my opinion and she almost seemed like two separate people. I wonder if perhaps Neo's presence has an effect on her behavior. If that is the case, my suggestion would be to note within the narration in Jaqueline's POV that she is surprising herself with the way she is speaking to him. That way, the fact that she is acting a bit out of character would be established in story, so it would make sense in context.

Although I found Jaqueline's character slightly confusing and inconsistent at times, I really did like her as a whole. I loved the fact that she was determined to chase after Neo, even though she didn't know what he had stolen. She's a character that I would love to find out more about. I feel like her backstory is just hinted at—the fact that she showed up at the palace out of nowhere. She's mysterious, and I'd love to find out more about who she is and where she came from!

Description/World Building: The descriptions and world building in Born in Sin were incredible. The narrative voice was clearly defined and entertaining. Because the voice was so well developed, descriptions, backstory, and explanations of what was going on in the world came to life. They didn't just provide necessary information to understand the story, they also were wholly entertaining in and of themselves.

Some of the descriptions that I particularly loved in this story were the descriptions of character appearances. Born in Sin features a cast of varied and interesting alien species. From the cat-like Physoldi, to the reptilian Weis, and finally the attractive and humanoid Vaulkarian, each character is described in specific detail. They all came alive, making it easy to picture each scene.

Another thing I loved about the story was the world building. Although the narration did do quite a bit of "telling" to explain the politics of the world, I thought it struck a nice balance with the action. The explanations of the strife throughout the solar system were presented sporadically throughout the chapters, making them easy to take in and remember. It seems like the world is very well developed in the author's mind, and it is gradually being presented to the reader through the story. I particularly like the mystery surrounding The Sonar organization. It seems like they have a great deal of power in the solar system, but that no one really likes them. I'd be excited to see how they will cause problems as the story progresses!

Plot: Although the story is classified as romance, I think it could really fit into sci-fi or action just as easily, if not more easily. While there are definitely strong elements of romance throughout the story, in my opinion the action and drama of the solar system steal the show in many ways. The plot is super engaging, as well as unpredictable. It begins with Tamara setting up Neo to steal military codes from the Physoldi for The Sonar. I was expecting this mission to go according to plan, however it does anything but that.

After sneaking into the palace, Neo gets caught by the guards and taken prisoner. This kept me on the edge of my seat wondering what would happen to Neo, but the plot goes much deeper than that. Simultaneously, the story shows how the Physoldi really aren't the bad guys in all of it and are also victims of The Sonar. This left me confused as to who to route for, and mostly just hoping Neo would team up with the Physoldi and they'd all take out The Sonar.

On top of all of this, Jaqueline, the princess/servant of the Physoldi and Neo seem to be developing at least a physical attraction to each other. In my opinion, this bit of the story felt just slightly forced. I thought having Jaqueline show a bit more reason for finding Neo different than other Vaulkarian could have built the relationship between these two a bit more. However, I still really like this element of the plot, and I'd be intrigued to see what ends up happening between the two of them!

Summary: Born in Sin is a high energy, action-packed sci-fi read with some great building romance. Readers will easily get lost in the characters and world that the author has created. The plot is delightfully unpredictable, and the personality in the narration makes this story a pleasure to read.