20:35.

a pretty pale-blue painted the expansive mass of nothing that loomed up and above, filtering slowly and gently into the air. it flowed like water--although seemingly unmoving--and the soft, dampened clouds swam lengths across the pale and pleasant horizon. calming, as if blue waves had washed over the stress of the day. sun was no longer present. the aqua hue had taken over the serene evening, transforming it into a hazy sea that coveted the small, enclosed garden.

patches of indigo and white dotted across the spotted sky, following patterns and paths, and forming wispy lengths of a beautiful colour that distracted roma as she looked up at it from where she was sat. cross-legged, at the garden table, laptop and book in front of her, cup of tea held in between her clasped hands.

it wasn't particularly warm, as the late-august air wafted a soft and gentle breeze across the overgrown bushes and grass, slipping underneath her big jumper and baggy jeans. she huddled her figure together tightly. her long hair was blown across her face. roma decided she needed a haircut, really.

she'd spent the day doing her reading; preparing for her studies. roma had always been like that. a quiet and diligent worker.

faintly, through the sliding french doors, she could hear her mum clattering around in the kitchen.

late evening.

it was still very pleasant and light in the air, in spite of the sun having dipped behind the array of bluish colours splayed across and against the huge sky. the tea tasted warm and comforting as she brought the mug to her lips again. roma inhaled slowly, feeling, for the first time in a while, more at ease and okay. not happy, but eased.

placing the mug down, she pulled down the sleeves of her jumper, as the chills swam through the atmosphere.

continued to type away on her laptop, flicking through the new, white pages of her book.

roma felt in a weird way; as if this phase of her life was an odd state, in juxtaposition to what she'd previously become so used to. and she had to breathe in really hard, to stop herself from letting it all out, and from worrying anyone else around her too much.

she was going to university. things had changed. moving on.

the easiest way she could convince herself was just to accept that that was life. harsh and difficult and not ever straightforward. no-one was her answer, because it's unfair to place all of your hopes and happiness onto one other person. they're only human, too.

roma breathed in again, as she recalled being given the very same lecture she'd taught to herself. sat, in that blue chair, piercing eyes on her. that woman in a pressed white shirt and navy button-up, made-up lips informing her of what the next step was in her progression.

careless.

it was funny, how one wrong turn in your mind could conjure up all sorts of memories that you'd managed to subdue for so long. looking up at the blue, unmoving sky, roma remembered her mum crying in the kitchen, voice raised, telling roma to change. to smile and to focus. for everyone's sake. telling her that she needed her to be better again. so she could live.

chest constricted.

but a part of roma had always understood. her mother had always been weak and fragile, and she couldn't handle not being able to comprehend her daughter's mind. roma hated that she made her feel that way; not in control and broken, making it worse, watching her mother break down before her, as roma would always remain silent and immobile, blaming, not knowing what to say. ever.

sorry never quite worked.

only sometimes.

hated that she made her mum feel like that. made it worse. but then--it wasn't just her fault. entire blame was not just on roma. remembered; sitting alone in her room, having to convince herself that it wasn't just her. fucking up was a universal thing. mum was in the wrong sometimes, too.

the wind was gentle and soft.

she'd finished her tea.

roma got up, scraping the chair a bit too loudly against the stone patio. an indigo fogginess had settled in between the garden furniture and contrasted the dulled greenery of the bushes and plants.

the kitchen was quiet and fairly tidy, as she stepped carefully through the doors. no lights were on. each cupboard and item stood dimly in the unlit room, somewhat ominously. matched the quiet of the house.

she treaded across the large tiles towards the sink.

"mum, would you like another cup of tea?" she called out, having heard her mum typing on her laptop in the room next door.

the yellowish but also dimmed light filtered in from the living room, brightness in the corner, matched by the muffled sound of the television in the background. roma waited a few seconds for a response; mum was probably just finishing typing her sentence, or signing off an email.

six seconds of silence.

"umm, no, darling, i'm alright...thanks."

her voice was stiff and uninterested. distracted yet calm. the usual.

"alright," was all roma said, chucking her stuff into the sink.

she began to clear things up a bit, yanking the dishwasher open, trying to be careful with the plates and cutlery so as not to disturb the quiet.

a knock sounded at the front door.

roma placed one of the plates down that had been in her hand. metal against the glass. she rinsed her hands quickly, and heard the sound of her mother's typing cease. roma's eyebrows wrinkled together, as she was confused as to who it could be.

she thought she was mad, as he drifted into her mind, the lump unnecessarily rising in her throat. stupid girl. of course he wasn't here, in london. god knows where he was right now. dark blue and indigo outside.

took a deep breath.

opened the front door.

"hey, girl," mia greeted, smiling widely and in a kind manner, her hair pulled back, work clothes still on.

"mia, hi," roma breathed out. she fell into her open arms, unaware of how much the sight of mia--of familiarity and of remembrances of happiness--could uplift her mood so much in the current moment. "it's so nice to see you."

it really was.

"ha-ha, you too, babe."

the two girls hugged for a moment, as roma breathed in the flowery scent of mia's perfume, grateful for her strong grip on roma's slightly smaller frame. it hadn't really been that long, but it felt like it.

"i didn't know you were coming," roma smiled.

she took hold of mia's arm and pulled her into the hallway, shutting the door behind them, not before revelling in the sensation of the cool, summer-night air. misty and foggy and very blue.

"just thought i'd come and stop by. seems like ages since we've seen each other even though it's only been like...a few days, or something, right."

mia was giggling whilst she kicked off her shoes, arranging them neatly as she knew she had to. roma caught a glimpse of the mia she hadn't seen in a while. her eyes were shining and her hair was a little messy from working all day, and most of all, she was smiling. teeth bared and lips perked, and her countenance was bright and cheery.

roma felt uplifted.

she'd been feeling like utter shit all of today.

"hi, lydia," mia was beaming, as she entered the living room, disrupting her mother's work.

roma followed suit behind.

she didn't understand why her mum had to work in almost complete darkness. the lamps and large lights were all turned to the minimum amount of brightness, the laptop screen drawing attention for its whiter light, in contrast. only the blue from outside cast a shadow across the old table.

her mum got up from her seat straight away.

"oh, mia, hello," she was quick to reply, accepting a big hug from mia. "haven't seen you in a long time! how are you?"

mia laughed politely; casually.

"yeah, i know! yeah, yeah, not too bad. how are you doing?" mia continued, moving slightly to the right so roma could join the conversation.

"yeah, same as usual. working," mum said, shrugging her shoulders a bit. the old cardigan she wore slipped down one of her shoulders slightly. pushed her glasses up from the bridge of her nose to the top of her head. "roma's been pretty busy with prepping for uni, haven't you, darling?"

hands on her hips.

there was always something about her mum's way of interacting with someone, particularly someone who both of them knew so well, in such an odd way that irritated roma.

but she smiled widely, nodding.

"yeah, well. i guess i like to be prepared," she shrugged, as well.

"shit, i've barely done anything for uni. just been working," mia laughed. "classic roma, though. always studying hard and reading ahead," she added at the end, nudging roma's shoulder slightly.

roma wasn't sure why, but she felt herself blush lightly.

"yes, well, it's good that she is," mum carried on.

she.

"i'm still trying to get used to how much colder it is over here. i'd forgotten," mia laughed.

"yes, it's not too bad, though. still trying to cling onto summer."

it really was so nice to see mia smiling like that.

roma pulled the sleeves of her jumper down. shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

lulls in the conversation rarely occurred with mia. she was so good at not being awkward; at being bright and entertaining and always having something to talk about with someone.

"do you want a drink, mia?" roma asked.

slight interruption. mia turned her head to the side and pondered.

"yeah, cup of tea would be nice, thanks."

so roma went to the kitchen, and listened intently and with an odd mixed sensation of joy and calm and slight wariness. her mother had perked up substantially; but then, she usually did whenever mia was around. perhaps her mum liked and felt comfortable with the familiarity.

roma was so similar to her in that respect.

she made the tea, and they chatted a bit more to her mum, before she decided she was going to conveniently finish off working in her bedroom.

mia moved to the sofa, stretching her legs out. roma finished her other cup of tea, listening to the sound of her mum slowly walking up the stairs, shutting the light switch off in the hallway behind her.

joined mia on the other end of the couch.

"bless her, she's the same as ever," mia commented lightly, also finishing her tea and putting the mug on the floor.

"who, mum?" roma asked.

mia nodded.

"yeah. guess people don't ever actually change that much."

roma wasn't entirely sure what mia meant by that.

pulled the sleeves of her jumper down further, crossing her arms over her chest. pushed a stray strand of her hair back from her face.

"yeah, she's fine," was all she thought was appropriate to say.

mia glanced upwards. her eyes had a slight shine to them, brows knitted together. she'd unbuttoned her white shirt; only just the first two buttons, and had one leg resting over the other.

"i really just came to see how you are, roma."

roma looked away, turning her head to the side. focused on the lines in the flooring. she wasn't very good at hiding things from mia as she was from her mum.

"so...how are you?" she projected.

slight pang in roma's chest.

she felt she had to face mia.

cleared her throat.

"i'm...uh. you know. okay, as things are, i guess...or, i don't know, it's just weird," she managed to mumble out of her mouth. it sounded disjointed and very pathetic, she decided, voice quieter and higher-pitched.

cutting the bullshit.

"because of baekhyun?"

and mia had always been a straight-forward kind of girl. never wanted to have to draw anything out for longer than there was a need to.

roma suddenly felt like crying.

but couldn't. not in front of mia like that.

"y-yeah."

silence for a bit.

"well...i mean, yes and no, and...or...i'm not s-sure, i just...want--i don't know, i want him to come back."

her eyes were stinging. hated that. tone of voice became increasingly softer and harder to hear.

"roma, hey," mia was saying, having sat up, her hand on roma's leg, making gentle movements.

the role reversal would have been quite amusing, if roma hadn't have been in such an odd and dark state.

"it's so fucking stupid, i know," she whispered, placing her hands over her forehead.

avoiding eye contact.

"it's not stupid."

wasn't crying, but could feel her eyes about to betray her.

"i just don't understand," she let out, her voice strangled and non-comprehensible.

everything inundated her brain all at once. like it always did. all of the pictures and flashbacks. every aspect of him: his deep voice, and beautiful brown eyes, and the way his hand felt in between her fingers, and the light kisses he would press to her lips.

the lights, of course. the way he could plunge anything into complete darkness and then brighten it again at his command. bulbs flashing and starts twinkling, on and off. but only sometimes, though. it got fucked up, as things normally did.

mia let out a deep exhale from her puckered mouth.

"okay, so," she said, sitting up again.

roma squeezed her eyes shut. paid attention.

"what? has something happened?" she immediately said.

"no, nothing. baekhyun is fine i think."

mia looked very flustered.

roma didn't know what to say.

the indigo altered a shade darker.

"where is--"

"so, like, when we were in lyon...and since coming back home...i've kind of been with kai."

confusion added to the mix of emotions swirling within the abyss of her mind. hadn't expected that. roma also sat up. she was strangely not shocked; rather, she was intrigued and couldn't quite understand. and then felt stupid for being so ignorant of anyone else's life other than her own. how could she not have known that?

shit friend.

"what...how? what do you mean, in what way?" roma blurted out hurriedly.

mia sighed. perhaps glad that roma wasn't angry, or something.

not that she would have been.

"just, together, i have no idea really," mia sighed, shaking her head. "you know how these things are difficult to define sometimes."

yes, roma knew.

"but since when?"

"i don't--"

"mia, i'm so sorry i didn't ask you, or...anything, really, i was so caught up in everything, i--"

"honestly, i should have told you, so don't even apologise for that. roma, you had your own problems. like i did, as well."

roma gulped, and swung her legs so that they were hanging off the edge of the sofa.

"what kind of problems?"

"i mean, to begin with it was just casual. like, i fucked him a few times."

roma felt it odd that she spoke about it so casually.

her mind was lingering on baekhyun's whereabouts. whether he was okay or not.

"but things...transpired i guess you could say, or situations changed. yeah, changed. maybe that's better to put it that way."

the indigo shade filtered in between the monochromatic fades. black and white shadows fell in between the furniture, and she could physically feel the lamp brighten, ever-so slightly.

"but, so...wait. hang on."

roma's mind was infiltrated with far too much information. it was fairly late, and she couldn't function properly, and this was almost too much to handle.

"so, you know, then. you know--"

"kai is here in london right now. and so is baekhyun."

mia's eyes were wide and wary.

roma felt her blood pumping and her heart rate speed up.

missed calls and text messages.

too much in her mind. everything; all the things she could think of, flying around and messing everything up.

the electricity in the air could be felt in her violet veins.

"what do you mean?"

she hadn't realised she'd stood up.

"they're both here. baekhyun told me that--"

"you've spoken to him?"

roma wasn't cross at all. she was just emotional and couldn't take everything in properly.

eyes stung, again.

"roma, he was with kai, that's all."

"but why didn't you tell me?"

mia looked slightly worried; her smile was gone, and their voices had raised, as she glanced warily up at the ceiling.

"i didn't tell you a lot of things, and i'm sorry. really. but i think you'll agree that you didn't tell me much either, and that some weird shit was going on, and that i didn't know how much baekhyun meant to you, roma."

stern voice incited a slight fear and sadness within her.

she sniffed.

"you're right," she admitted. mia got up, too. "i'm so sorry, mia. i don't know..."

mia enveloped her in a hug.

"don't worry. things are going to be okay."

roma used her comforting hold to steady herself.

"where are they?"

"kai has a place."

whispers.

indigo had become navy, now.

roma saw stars.

grabbed her phone.

//

sorry this chapter is a bit long !! lots of love, ty for reading my book x