MIA

"So, did you talk to Jeff at all?" Lucy asked, downing another shot of vodka. Her dark skin and her burgundy, tight dress went so well with the interior of that same bar.

What Mia found most surprising was that she actually managed to find it again. And the atmosphere was still the same, the privacy and the calmness of the lonesome tables offered a sense of shelter. But this time, Mia and Lucy sat at the bar, while that same bartender, whose name was Frederick, served them shots. Some of those were free, Frederick remembered the hundred dollars Xander gave him.

"It's been five days and we haven't spoken a word. Well, besides 'good morning' and 'how was work.'" Mia was becoming tipsy quickly and she had to slow down.

"How was work, though?" Lucy asked, her knowing, hazel eyes penetrating Mia's soul.

"Hm, let's see. If Mathilda says one more word against me, I swear I will push her through that fourth-story window." Mia downed a shot, the hard liquor burning her throat.

"Another drink, ladies?" Frederick asked.

"Keep them coming, Fred." Mia murmured, turning to Lucy fully.

"So, you're on the verge of quitting your job and ending your relationship. I'm pretty sure it's not advised to do those things at the same time." Lucy smiled, the look on her face bordering on pity.

"You know me, I can't destroy only one thing in my life. Jeff's right, it's one of my whims. The same thing happened in that final year of college. And you remember my high school graduation outburst very well." Mia sighed.

"When you straight out refused to study for the finals and broke up with See-through Tim in the same night. Yes, I remember that." Lucy laughed.

"Tim wasn't that pale."

"He was extremely pale."

"Fun times." Mia leaned onto her elbows.

"But you managed to get back on track every time. Without any serious consequences." Lucy shrugged, playing with the glass.

"I guess I've never crossed the point of no return."

"Yes, but you're not eighteen anymore and Jeff isn't a high school romance." When it came to real advice, Lucy was the only one worth coming to. "I'm trying to find middle ground between Sam and Christa here and it's difficult."

"I know and I'm grateful. I really am."

"Just tell me, is this all because of Xander?" Lucy's voice softened. Mia knew she could say anything and would receive no judgement on her part.

"I feel like my entire life and my sense of self were standing on two pillars. One of them being law and the other Jeff, both of which were already shaking. When I met Xander, the Jeff pillar began to collapse. Not entirely because of Xander but because of what Xander represented. And he represented change. With the Jeff pillar collapsing, everything else became unstable." Mia felt her heart beat in her chest, partly because of the booze and partly because she knew the aforementioned point of no return rested somewhere between those words.

"And why was the Jeff pillar shaking in the first place?" Lucy asked, accepting the metaphor, causing Mia to sigh again.

"When I began working for Mathilda, I realised that is what my life would look like from now on. Wake up, go to work, work, work, work, go home, Jeff. I guess it freaked me out." She knew she wasn't the only one waking up to this, but it seemed to bother her more than it bothered some people.

"Okay, I understand that. But tell me, why do you think Xander would be any different?" Lucy read her mind, apparently. That was something Mia wasn't willing to admit up to this point. She actually believed Xander would be different.

"Grass is greener on the other side of the fence?" Mia laughed nervously. No one had to tell her that she was probably wrong, she knew it very well. But Lucy still waited for the serious answer. "I don't know, Luce. Something about him just feels right. And I'm not saying that I'm in love with him or anything, I'd gladly be just friends with him. The problem is that I want him in the same time, so friendship is impossible." She could not believe she was actually saying these things out loud.

"Hypothetically, let's say you leave Jeff for Xander-"

"I wouldn't do that. Not because of Xander."

"I know, but let's say you do. You realise you'd be replacing a well-grounded, established relationship with a honeymoon phase, right?" Lucy spun her finger and a new glass found itself in her hands. "I mean, you don't know Xander. You don't really know what he's like, what would it be like to actually be with him. Who knows, maybe he has obnoxious habits, maybe his feet stink really badly." Lucy shrugged, making Mia smile.

"Trust me, these things passed through my head. But I've been playing it safe all my life. I've been running away from mistakes like the Devil from the cross. Who knows? Maybe my whims are exactly that, my inner need to screw up. To really feel what it's like to make a mistake." Something about those words finally leaving her mouth made Mia sad, and angry.

"So, you want Xander because he's not so safe, because he's different." Lucy concluded, making Mia shake her head.

"I want Xander because he's making me laugh, because his eyes promise a thrill, because he has strong arms, and he's not afraid of stepping out of the comfort zone." Mia's whole body shuddered at the thought. "For fuck's sake, we lit up a joint in this very bar."

"Mia," the bartender Fred interrupted, "don't spread the word."

"You're not supposed to be listening to this." Mia eyed him.

"I'm a bartender, it's what we do." Fred continued to clean the glasses, a wide smile on his lips.

"Still," Lucy ignored Fred, "all of those things don't promise a bright future."

"Future!" Mia smiled bitterly. "It's all I've been thinking about all my life. What about the future? What would the future look like? But what about the now, Lucy? What about the present moment?"

"You're asking me for permission to sleep with him, aren't you?" Lucy squinted suspiciously, making Mia choke on her vodka.

"I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!"

Mia grunted and leaned onto the bar once again. Those obnoxious butterflies in her stomach fluttered again and she was becoming visibly nervous. Her palms were sweaty and her face probably flustered. She wouldn't do it, she would not do it.

"I wouldn't do it, Luce." Mia said firmly, earning another suspicious glance from Lucy.

"As a friend, I have to make sure you realise how many people would be hurt if anything happened. You have to know you would break Jeff's heart. Can you live with that? Can you?"

"No!" Mia almost shouted and Fred looked at her angrily. The bar was meant for quiet pondering and not the outrageous shouting. "Of course, I couldn't live with it." And then came the tears.

"You're mad at Jeff." Lucy realised, a smirk forming on her lips.

"I'm not mad at Jeff."

"You're mad at Jeff! Oh, my God, you're trying to cross the point of no return! He did something that pissed you off and now you're trying to find an easy way out. Shame on you, Mia!" Lucy downed her shot, making Mia mimic her movement. Vodka seemed to soothe her nerves.

"When did you get a psychology degree?"

"I was born with a psychology degree. So, what happened? What made you so angry that you've decided to push poor Jeff away?" Lucy checked her phone, probably calculating how much time they had before Christa showed up and convinced Mia that every irrational decision she made was a good idea.

"He's caging me." Mia said before she changed her mind. This needed to be out. "He keeps talking about marriage and children. Lucy, he already searched for houses on sale and schools that are nearby." Her eyes were now completely wet, probably ruining her mascara.

To Mia's surprise, her friend flinched and her eyes widened. This fear was something she understood, she empathized with it.

"He's gonna propose soon, isn't he?" Lucy asked, her voice much quieter now.

"And I can't say yes."

"Mia, you have to tell him this. He can't keep thinking this is what you want." Lucy grabbed her friend's hand and Mia became conscious of her sweaty palms.

"How do you tell someone you don't want to marry them and not break up? I tried letting him know subtly. Every time he mentioned buying a house or having children, I always said it's a long way off. But he keeps pushing it." Tears rolled down Mia's cheeks and she was suddenly flooded by anger, and fear and sorrow.

Everything crashed into her, all at once.

"You need to talk to him-" Lucy stopped, interrupted by the message on her phone. "Is there a particular reason Jeff is asking me where you are?" Her voice turned angry and Mia couldn't help but laugh. He needed to know, he always needed to fucking know.

"We had a double date planned with Xander and Virgin Mary. We were supposed to go to the movies. Don't worry, I sent Jeff a message that I wouldn't be coming." Mia explained. Lucy looked completely flabbergasted.

"When does the movie start?" She asked slowly. Mia checked her phone that has been on airplane mode since she ordered the first shot.

"Fifteen minutes ago." Everything Lucy wanted to say after that was interrupted by an unbelievable life force that was Christa.

"Time to drink!" She stormed through the bar and stole the first glass she saw, which was Mia's. Lucy stared at Mia, her expression shocked. Christa smiled at the frowning bartender Fred and ordered three shots for starters.

"Are you going to go at all?" Lucy asked.

"Nope. I'm going to drink the night away with Christa and if Jeff wants to join us at the club, he's free to do so." Mia downed the drink Christa ordered, all the feelings that stirred in her soul suddenly numbed.

"What the fuck, Mia? Are you trying to get him to leave you first?" Lucy asked further, still looking like she couldn't quite believe.

"I know I'm a coward, Luce. Nothing new there." Mia smiled.

"No, but you are an insensitive bitch sometimes."

"Well, this insensitive bitch is about to let everyone know what's what. I'm done, Luce. I'm done with satisfying everyone around me while I suffer in silence. I'm done being what everyone expects me to be." Mia let the smirk form on her lips, followed by Christa's satisfied smile.

"This is exactly the same as it was with See-through Tim, you know?" Lucy sighed, shaking her head.

"Come on, Luce, let loose!" Mia smiled and gave her friend another shot.

The alcohol was stirring in her stomach, commanding her to make wrong choices. But she craved them tonight, she wanted everyone to know she had her limits. Tomorrow, she would be sad, and guilty, and destroyed.

But tonight, she was destructive.