*while they're living together*
samantha: why are you baking at 2am? you can't cook and it is 2am, which is way too late to deal with an apartment fire.
clover: it's for rory. i'm planning on making some illegal decisions tomorrow, and i need her to be willing to bail me out of jail.

clover: when i die i want to be turned into a science class skeleton

*they're investigating a suspected murder*
emilia: are you kidding me right now, smirnov?
emilia: i report that a man is strangled to death here, then a dead guy shows up with marks on his neck, and you won't believe that it's murder.
smirnov: fine. it's under consideration.
emilia: we have a bona fide scooby doo case that has fallen into our laps.
emilia: dead guy, haunted house, amusement park.
emilia: anson, say zoinks.
samantha: i'm not saying zoinks.
emilia: then say jinkies.
samantha: jinkies.

diana, phoning cecilia and elliot: hey, i'm at the hospital now and i'm in labour.
cece: hold on a second, i need to change. this outfit doesn't scream "rich aunt" enough.

some random criminal that likes riddles: what is red, white and blue, but not american?
smirnov: russia.
emilia: australia.
samantha: france.
smirnov: thailand.
emilia: north korea.
samantha: iceland.
smirnov: czech republic.
emilia: taiwan.
samantha: the cayman islands-
(they will keep going until one of them gets shot)

valerie: i have a bad feeling about this
jordan: what do you mean?
valerie: you know the voice in your head that tells you something is a bad idea?
jordan: ...no?
valerie: that actually explains a lot-

clover, probably high as fuck: i want to be a caterpillar.
aurora: explain???
clover: eat a lot, sleep for a while. wake up beautiful.
kate: you know they have a lifespan of like two weeks, right?
clover: that's another highlight
*aurora and kate share a "get this bitch into therapy" look*

*before they started dating*
clover: let's play twenty questions!
aurora: sure, um, what's your favourite colour?
clover: triangle, do you like non-binary people?

jason, teaching samantha how to drive: so, you see brendan and chris crossing the street. what do you hit?
samantha: i really don't want to kill anyone, but chris. kate would be sad if brendan died, but no one would care if chris did.
jason: the breaks, samantha. you hit the breaks.

cecilia: "could not send" rae what the fuck is up with your wifi?! you have this big ass house, and you can't afford a wifi box out here??
rae: it's not about affording, it's about radiation!
cecilia: you're gonna die anyway!
you understand that, right? die with a good snapchat going through. what the fuck.

smirnov: emilia went to jail, they arrested her
smirnov: and you know, you get to make one call in jail
smirnov: ...so she called taco bell and ordered takeout to jail

valerie: jordan just texted me, "how fucking dare you, you're such an evil bitch. you've crossed a line with me, you dumb, evil fucking troll."
valerie: all I did was wake her up.

eden: look, sometimes i do listen to you.
avery: yeah? name one time.
eden: ...
eden: you know what, i don't have to take orders from you. i'm older. i'm an adult. you are the child-