Chapter 39: Shelter in Place

Below the balcony, West 93rd street (or the place where West 93rd Street should have been) was underwater. Jamie craned his head to look west toward Riverside Drive. But there was no drive. There was no riverside. By the looks of it, the entire Upper West Side had been submerged.

How much did it rain last night?

He recalled his phone blaring at one point in the night, with the unmistakeable high-pitched shriek of a severe weather warning. He'd been otherwise engaged at that particular moment, and the ear-splitting noise had ceased eventually with the warning left unread.

Jamie stumbled back inside and found his way to the kitchen. He discovered his phone inside his jeans, discarded on the floor. The message waited on his Lock Screen.

National Weather Service
Flash flood warning in effect. Expect major flooding in low-lying areas. Do not attempt to travel on flooded streets. Seek high ground. Shelter in place.

He heard a noise behind him and turned to see Cora, yawning and wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. She had her own phone in her hands. "Are you seeing this?" she asked.

"Did you look outside your window?"

She nodded, her eyes still on her phone. Jamie went to stand behind her, looping his arm around her waist as he read over her shoulder.

CNN
Millions stranded, city paralyzed by 1,000-year flood in NYC

"Thousand-year flood?" Jamie read aloud. "Does that mean it only happens once in a millennium?"

She shook her head, speaking slowly as she read. "No, it's a probabilistic thing. See here?" She pointed to a line in the article. "A flood that has a one in one-thousand chance of occurring in any given year."

"I've been in and out of Manhattan for over a decade and I've never seen anything like this."

She shook her head, setting down the phone. "No, me neither. And I've lived in New York City my whole life."

He felt the hairs rise on the back of his neck, imagining what might have become of him if Cora hadn't let him in last night. He might've gone wandering the streets to clear his head until the flood waters swept him out to sea. "More bodies of water," he commented dryly, "it seems we can't escape them no matter how we try."

She covered her cheek with her hand, laughing with him at the sheer unlikelihood. The utter absurdity of life.

She went to her living room window and looked out. "Shelter in place. You're not going anywhere right now."

Jamie couldn't pretend to be displeased. He dropped the bedsheet and slipped on his jeans before he went to join her. "I can think of worse places to be stranded," he said. "Do you get the feeling the universe is trying to tell us something?"

Cora sucked in a harsh breath, and the mirth faded from her eyes. Jamie realized what he'd said. He hadn't meant to bring it up until later, but now he'd unintentionally made reference to that other morning, up on the cliffs—the last words she'd ever said to him in Cozumel. "I made a promise to the universe."

Last night's storm had swept his troubles from his mind, but they came back to Jamie again now. "Cora, why did you go home early? Why did you leave, after what you said?"

For a moment, he thought she wouldn't answer. She paused for a long time. Finally, she turned to face him head on. "Jamie, I'm so..." she paused, searching for the words. "Damaged? Cursed? Possibly damned." She looked away. "I know you won't understand, but please believe me when I tell you, you're better off without me."

"No—" he tried to interrupt but she kept going.

"Yes," she said. "Forget me and find someone else to love."

Jamie felt a lump forming in his throat. "Did you mean it? What you said to me that night. Did you mean any of it?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied.

"It matters to me!" He tried with all his might to hold himself together, but the quaver in his voice betrayed him. "It matters to me a great deal."

He saw his own misery reflected back on Cora's face. "I tried to warn you. I told you from the beginning—"

"Yes, I remember very well. I remember every word you ever said to me. I could recite it back verbatim if you like. You said you didn't want to fall in love with me by accident." He spoke low and quickly to keep his voice under control. Cora took his hand, although whether to comfort him or make him stop, he wasn't sure. "And I need to know if you did, or if you didn't. I need to know that much."

"Why?" she said with anguish.

"Because no one's ever said it to me before, that's why!" His voice rose, and he gave up the struggle. He let her hear it unfiltered, in the raw. "No one has ever loved me. Ever. In my life."

His chest heaved up and down, and he turned his face away. There, he thought. Now she knew the truth. The secret he never dared repeat, not even to himself. His most shameful secret of them all.

"No," he heard her whisper, and he knew what she would say. The same refrain that had repeated like a drumbeat in his head for weeks and weeks.

That can't be true...
That can't be true...
No, that can't possibly be true...

If she said it to him now, he didn't know what he would do. He might just have to leave her here and make a swim for it.

"Jamie." She pulled him round to look her in the eyes. "Of course I meant it. And believe me, I fought with all my might not to fall in love with you, but I did."

He couldn't answer her. It hurt too much. He pulled her to him and buried his face into her hair. She held him close and stroked his back.

"I didn't know that," she said gently. "All those games of Truth or Dare, and you never told me."

His voice sounded funny when he spoke. He hoped her hair would muffle it enough that she couldn't tell. "I've never told anyone," he said, forcing a laugh. "That's my deepest secret, I suppose. Now we're even."

She wrapped her arms around his neck. He dared a peek at her upturned face, bracing for the worst. Would he see pity there or scorn? He wasn't sure which one he dreaded more.

He was 27 years old, and he had long since given up. He was just a pretty face, a shiny reflective surface, a way for others to pass the time... A part of him, a little voice deep down, whispered these unwelcome facts when he didn't drown them out with books or films or pleasures of the flesh. The little voice said if he hadn't heard those words from anyone by now, it must be because there was nothing in him worth loving.

But the expression on Cora's face didn't look like pity, nor like scorn. If anything, he thought, it looked like anger.

"I don't get it." She turned away from him and went back to the window. She looked up at the sky. "I swear, it makes no sense! There's no justice in this world."

Jamie watched her in silence. He sensed her fighting some battle within herself. Finally she turned around to face him. "It's impossible!" she cried. "How am I supposed to walk away from you after that?"

He shook his head, bewildered. "Why do you have to walk away from me at all?"

"You don't understand." Her voice went high and tight. "I might love you now, but it won't last. It never does. Not because of you. Because of me. There's something wrong inside of me. No matter how much I might love someone in the beginning, it always turns to mud."

"Always?"

"In all my past experience thus far."

She stood all the way against the windows now. Jamie didn't know whether to go to her or let her have her space. He rested his weight on the arm of the couch. "You said the same thing about falling out of hammocks, if you care to remember." He lifted his own voice in an imitation of hers, hoping to lighten the mood. "You said 'I'll fall out. I always do!'"

Her face remained implacable. "I do."

"And yet," he said, "I can't remember you falling. Not even once."

"We were only there three weeks. It would have happened eventually."

"Maybe you haven't found the right hammock yet." He shrugged. "Or the right person to hold it steady while you're climbing in and out."

She glared at him. "Oh, spare me. Don't be trite."

"I'm not!"

"Maybe I haven't found the right person yet? Seriously? You think I haven't heard that one a million times?" She let out a bitter laugh. "No, this might come as a shocker, but maybe I don't need a hammock in my life at all. Maybe I'm perfectly happy without one."

"Are you? Perfectly happy?"

She sniffed, eyeing him defiantly. "Yes," she said.

"Then why did you invite me in last night? Why not close the door and leave me to fend for myself?"

Cora stared at him. Her mouth opened and closed but she didn't answer. He sensed her hesitation.

The truth came to him as he watched her thoughts play across her face. She did want him. She loved him. Only she'd fallen out of this hammock once before. She'd taken a hard fall. Little wonder if she felt reluctant to climb back in again.

There was only one thing stopping her. So simple, he didn't know why he hadn't seen it. Now, in a flash of insight, Jamie understood his foe.

And he had an inkling how best to overcome it...

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