Tears...talking about personal feelings...being in a group...letting the emotional scars open up and bleed. I am unfamiliar with all of these Lord and let me be honest with the both of us: I dislike most of these things. I think about them; opening up and letting others in but I could never bring myself to do it. Why cry when I can laugh? I guess you really showed me the reason why tears are important today Lord. I don't like crying in front of people, not even my own father here on earth do I cry in front of God. I don't open up to people until I've known them for more than a year or so yet today I bawled like a little baby in front of the members in my youth group. Three weeks there and I crack. Crying is so embarrassing and makes me feel like a huge baby especially when it is in front of other. I rather let my tears fall when I'm alone in my room, curled up in bed and drowning out the thoughts that bombard me but today was different. After crying I didn't feel embarrass God. I felt...honest. I opened up to people I did not know very well. We were talking about baptism Lord and out of everyone in the group I'm the only one that has never got baptized so they wanted to know if I had any questions about baptism that they could answer. One thing led to another and next thing I comprehend is that I'm crying and sharing with them the things I only ever kept to myself. What I wrote when I started writing to you Lord. How I always felt so evil and like a monster undeserving of grace and how I don't honestly know what's driving me to you. My fears? My selfishness? I do believe that you are using these things to bring me back to you Lord. You use even bad things to bring goodness out of right? I don't want to fool myself and I don't want to fail you Lord. Baptism is a promise. I can't ever make up for the things I've done. I can never live up to Jesus and be perfect or earn salvation but I can promise you to follow your son's steps and obey. I can promise myself to you Lord. I know I'm going to stumble and always fall but you'll still love me for me and I'll just need to get back up and not stay down where the enemy wants me. Please give the wisdom and strength to fight and get back up. Not for selfish reasons but because I love you. People and myself will never understand what you had to suffer Jesus in order to save us and grant us salvation. We're always taking it for granted and personally I'm ashamed for that. I'm ashamed of myself for overlooking all you did just to close the gap between us and God. You were rejected, bullied basically, cussed at, beaten, and murdered just to save us so that we can go to heaven and be with you and God. You see our hearts and even know how many tears we shed, each tear Lord you count and place in a bottle. In revelations you even said God that you'll wipe all our tears. Thank you. I wish I can say more than always thank you but those are the only words I can find. Thank you for being my God and thank you Jesus for being my Lord and savoir. For dying for me and always putting up with me. For finding me when I was in a dark place and even now working with me and molding me. I pray that I'm always honest with you and myself and others and that everyone who is going through this exact same thing or something similar or much worse, that you hold them close to your heart dear God and show them how much they are worth and loved. I pray that you watch over them and guide them and that I myself have compassion for those that come my way and need it. That I remember to love other just as you love me and that nothing is impossible for you Lord. Nothing is too big to overcome and that we just need to reach out and cling to you Lord. You'll never forsake us or leave us to go crazy in our darkness. You'll always be our light and take us by the hand when we are lost and feeling so low. Each tears we shed is a prayer-a cry out to you to be our strength and rock and push us forward when we feel like we're about to break dear God. I pray we obey you out of love and always keep your words on our hearts and never ever forget what you Lord Jesus did for us. In Jesus name/ in your Holiest name: Amen.

Candy.