Chapter 44 ~ Hannah

As I see the crowd screaming their names, crying because they can see them, holding signs with their names and other things, the fact of how big they are hits me mercilessly. Around the world there are millions of people dying to get to know Harry as much as I know him, to be in my shoes. Girls that would kill to have him looking at them the way he looks at me.

What makes me so special? Why does Harry look at me that way and not at another girl? I know that there are so many other girls better than me, girls that don’t carry the luggage I have to. Harry could meet a girl without the problems I have, that would worship the ground he stands on, someone who can be friends with his friends without a problem, without having to make a humongous effort to get along with them.

I know Harry has a reputation, I know he’s been with a lot of women, he has told me that. I know not all of them were serious relationships, but the whole world thinks he is a player and I know he is not. I understand, as I see the crowd, that many women throw themselves at him. Some of them because of his fame, some because they loved him and would do anything to have him. Any normal guy would give in and I’m not worried that Harry would cheat on me with a one-night stand or something like that. I trust him, I know that for some crazy reason, he really cares about me. But I’m afraid he’ll meet a better girl, someone that will throw herself at him and offer him a simple relationship. Or maybe someone who wants the same things as him, like another singer or even an actress.

Being in a relationship is always difficult and I forgot about insecurities. I haven’t had to worry about someone finding someone better for so long because I didn’t let anyone else care about me as I’ve let Harry. And I didn’t let myself care about other person the way I care about Harry now. And if insecurities weren’t enough already, I have to worry over the fact that Harry meets more people –amazing people– than any other regular guy. It’s like I have an army to compete against.

When the gig is over and the lads come back to backstage, Harry notices there’s a change in me.

“Are you okay, babe?” He asks with his hands around my waist, pulling me close. I don’t really mind that he’s sweaty and breathing heavily, my mind is way mistier with my gloomy thoughts.

My fingers move over his chest, following the stamp on his t-shirt as I try to clear my mind to speak up. “I–– I guess I’m just overwhelmed by how big you are. Your fans really love you.”

“Our fans are so passionate and loud. They are amazing,” he says with a proud smile. They are nice to him most of the time, though I’ve seen some things I prefer to overlook. They have said mean things about me, but if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s ignoring other people.

“They’ll never forgive me for stealing your affection,” I mumble avoiding his eyes and I heard him chuckle. Next, his lips are on my forehead.

“They can be jealous, but they will grow up and accept that you are who makes me happy. You see how they accepted Alex already,” he reminds me and I smile, this time looking in his eyes.

What will happen when he meets someone better? Someone more interesting? How am I supposed to cope with him deciding that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? What if I don’t make him happy anymore because I’m still too broken for him? I know I’ll get better, but my mother’s death and what I’ve done all this time will always be a scar in my soul.

I don’t say anything else, I just rest my forehead on his shoulder and hug him back. I feel his arms wrapping around me more tenderly as he strokes my hair with one hand.

We stay there, hugging and oblivious to the world, with my mind still worrying over “what ifs” until Alex tells us it’s time to go to the dressing room and get ready for the party. That party only shows me how women –and some guys– hit on Harry not even caring that I’m next to him, holding his hand. A girl asked if we would do a threesome! What’s wrong with her? And that doesn’t happen only to Harry, I see that all the boys have to go through that. Well, expect Niall and I think it’s because Alex looks murderously at anyone to tries to flirt with her boyfriend.

I can’t be like Alex, I can’t keep the other girls away from Harry with a look. I can’t be intimidating, I can’t be fierce and I won’t be with him all the time. Parties are not my thing anymore and I know he likes to go out, but I still feel uncomfortable in a place so crowded and he knows that and he tries to makes things better for me so we leave early. I hate that I have to ruin his fun because I’m like this, because I can’t let totally go.

When he drives me home and we’re saying our goodbyes, I grab his face and kiss him desperately. Almost as if this is our last kiss and this is all I can get from him. I kiss him as if I am afraid to let him go and I am. Being with him tonight showed me that many people will want to take Harry away from me and I don’t know if I can keep him by my side. I’m good at pushing people away, not at keeping them close.

I am really scared.

For now he is with me, he chooses me over the rest… but for how long? When I walk inside my house, finding Hope on my bed waiting for me to sleep, that question doesn’t leave my mind.

* * *

Harry’s been really busy, getting ready for the summer tour and with all the promo for the new album. He’s gone to five countries already and from what he’s told me, he wishes I could be with him but I can’t. After Easter break –which was a success with our presentation–, I’ve been studying really hard. I can’t even go to the airport when he is back because I have tons of tests and exams coming and I can’t drop my grades unless I want to lose my scholarship.

We’ve tried to find some time to be together, but right now the timing is not working. Maybe it’s because this term I’m taking the hardest courses of my whole major, so I need to study even more than what I did before. Harry understands though, he knows my career is important, as I understand his is too. We know we’ll mange to be together again.

So it’s Friday and I come back from Uni, tired and with my brain completely dead. Honestly, I don’t feel capable of even answering two plus two equals what? I’m so knackered I could just lie on the floor until the next day. Maybe I could sleep the whole weekend!

I turn on the telly by inertia; I don’t really know what I’m doing but I need to feel some noise as I move around the kitchen looking for food. Hope comes next to me and I pat her distractedly. I feel like a zombie, I really do need a power nap.

There’s this gossip channel on. Sometimes I watch it just to know how things are going, what they are saying about Harry and One Direction. We talk every day, but still, sometimes I like to see him, even if it’s on an interview. I must admit I really miss him and I can’t wait for my week of exams to be over and have a little break.

They are talking about this new band of girls that is causing a lot of controversy: Prodigy. They have this strong and tough look, yet they are feminine and very sexy. They are four and they are compared to McFly for their catchy yet very rock-ish sound, like some of my favourite songs of Linkin Park. These girls play their own instruments and they own the stage when they perform. They are loud, strong and so energetic. The lead singer, Tammy I think I heard, is always causing controversy for her comments on interviews and her blunt honesty. When they are off stage they look so different, the kind of people that would never be friends, but when they are on stage, it’s like they are meant to be there. I reckon I really like their music and their voices, and they not only sing about love, breakups and arseholes. They have these very deep and touching songs about overcoming the bad moments in your life and that you can always do so much more.

And after talking about a girl band they go to a boy band, this time in particular to one curly-haired member and I can’t help smiling when I heard his name. This time I pay more attention to the hosts talking about my boyfriend.

“This time we have an exclusive, so don’t forget you heard it here first,” the host introduces and I wonder what it is now.

I take a seat in front of the telly with a steamy mug of English Afternoon and soon Hope jumps on my lap and gets comfortable.

“We have with us today Jennifer Jones, this lovely woman who has something very juicy to tell us. As you know, we always go for the truth and we want to show you who these celebrities really are.” I roll my eyes. As if! Everyone knows they only care about selling a story. They take everything they can and twist it until they can make money out of it.

I wonder how they will use this woman, Jennifer, to their benefit. Poor woman. She looks around thirty-five, with long blonde hair and green eyes, and an incredible body. Probably she doesn’t have kids. She looks sad, like she’s been crying recently. She is even holding a handkerchief in her hands. Again, poor woman.

“Dear Jennifer, please, tell us what happened. What brought you to talk to us?” The host asks Jennifer and the woman seems to fight to breathe evenly before talking.

“My life… my life got ruined and I was desperate. I have to make my husband see that this isn’t my fault,” she says and I get confused. How does this involve Harry? They were talking about him first. “And I think the world needs to know the truth.”

“They need indeed. Please, do tell us,” the host agrees and I’m still confused. I have a bad feeling about this and some inner voice tells me I should turn off the telly, but I want to understand.

“I– I was happily married, trying to have a baby with my husband but now all that is gone because I made one mistake. A mistake that maybe hundreds of women have made. I went out with my friends one night because they told me I needed to get my mind off of all the troubles I was having at home and in that club I met him.”

“Who?” the host asks and I feel my eyebrows trying to meet in confusion.

“Harry Styles,” Jennifer lets out as I hold my breath, the whole world stopping. “He was charming, he made me feel young again, desirable. I’m in love with my husband, but I couldn’t tell him no. And because of that night, my marriage is over. My husband found us the next morning and even though I tried to explain it to him, he left me. Just because of that little boy. I should have never let him buy me a drink! I told him I was married and he didn’t care!”

Jennifer bursts out crying, burying her face in the handkerchief, sobbing violently and the host pats her back in a lousy attempt to offer comfort, but she looks kind of disgusted.

“That’s terrible! But we all know Harry Styles is in a relationship now so this must’ve happened long time ago,” the host says but there’s something in her voice that tells me she knows more.

“This happened last weekend,” Jennifer confesses and my heart stops. I can’t breathe anymore, I don’t know what to do, what to feel or think in this moment. I can only see the woman crying desperately, and the host looking falsely surprised.

“My goodness gracious! That’s terrible! We thought our charming Harry Styles had changed but now we see he has not. And now he is also a home wrecker!” The host looks at the camera, as if she is looking right at me. “I’m sorry for the girl who is dating Harry Styles. I’m sorry you fell for a guy who’s capable of ruing this woman’s life. And I’m sorry for all those girls who think he is a prince charming. Now you know the truth: he is nothing but a womaniser who can’t be stopped.”

As her words echo, and the image of Jennifer crying over what she lost continues, my heart breaks and hits the floor. I’m shaking and I can’t breathe as I feel hot tears running down my cheeks, but I’m frozen, I can even brush them away. I knew I should’ve turned off the telly. Now I saw the proof that I should’ve never left Harry in because I was never going to be enough for him. Now I know I should’ve never left myself fall in love with him.

Why did I ever let my walls hit the floor?

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DO NOT PANIC! Don't believe Harry actuyally cheated on Hannah. Just wait... just wait. Next chapter on Sunday, and it will be an early update if you get 2k votes again.

Bel, xx