056:

Melia had got Abby who was squirming around and easily put her to her breast. She had not stopped nursing Hannah, so her milk was already in and she wondered about the immune building formula that should be in her milk. She chattered about that thought before the Ryan one. Perhaps as the baby's lips touched her, the nipple would register that this was a newborn and start producing the needed colostrums. She thought she had heard that somewhere, and so had Robert and they reaffirmed each of their thoughts for a few minutes, possibly ignoring the touchy subject he'd brought up. But he wasn't going to let it go.

He sat on the edge of the couch and watched her nurse.

"That has got to be the most rewarding experience a woman can have. To provide so completely for her child. It's an absolute miracle. I am privileged to be so intimate with you right now. I hope you don't mind."

Melia had kept herself somewhat covered, although she never could simply cover the baby's face all the way. She had herself pretty well modest, though. She looked up. "I am honored that you care to sit here with me in the middle of the night and talk to me." Robert moved a little closer, as Abby quit sucking and fell asleep. Melia unlatched her and covered herself. He moved even closer so he could see the sweet little face, and laid an arm along the back of the couch, out of the way, but slightly curling around Melia's shoulders. He peered intently into the angelic features of the baby, and stared at her with that same reverence he'd displayed earlier. One finger crooked to stroke her dew-soft cheek.

No words were necessary, Melia thought. She registered his proximity in every fiber of her being--- his arm was heavy and comfortable, his breath in her face, sweet-- the way his chin brushed her hair, the way--- it didn't matter, she told herself firmly, it wasn't her he was looking at. He's never been this close to a newborn, and he wanted children, and he feels a connection to Abby. It's so perfectly natural. She even noted that she felt completely at ease with Robert... still. Completely... no weirdness at all.

"She is by far the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." Robert said with real awe in his voice.

"Would you like to hold her?" Melia gently removed the baby from her own embrace and deposited her carefully in Robert's waiting arms. He settled back against the couch and adjusted her till he was comfortable.

A wave of nostalgia washed over Melia as she remembered Jared holding Hannah just like this. She could see the dim back-lighting, the window above their bed, the quilt, the smell of him, the warmth of the moment....

Robert glanced back at her with that enigmatic, proud papa look and saw her shining features.

"What is it? What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?" Robert asked softly, looking into her eyes.

"I was just remembering Jared holding Hannah that way. You remind me of him. I mean right now... you don't really remind me of him, just the moment reminds me...." She stammered, and tried to smile, but the words were choked up inside her.

Robert nodded. "I see. There was a lot of love for Hannah when Jared got to hold her."

"He never expected to have a child, let alone be around to see her, and hold her. He adored her; he spent every waking moment holding her." Melia choked on a sob again. The tears were there, for the millionth time... and she wanted to release them, let them wash away the sadness, but she doubted her ability to do it....

Robert moved a hand carefully and laid his palm alongside her face. "When are you going to let it out, Mia? When are you going to cry for him?"

"I can't cry..." She whispered in a strangled voice, seeing Jared's concerned face, his dark eyes, his love filled expressions. That same palm now stroked her cheek, and Robert's eyes were compassionate, understanding.

"Why? Now is as good a time as any, you've got the hormonal thing going from having Abby, that ought to help a little, and you've got me. It's okay to cry with me, I've cried with you....you know I understand." He smiled and laid his forehead near hers. "Come on...."

"It's just that...." She could feel it happening and was afraid. "That I wish he were here to hold Abby like that. It's not exactly fair that he didn't know about... about her before he died, because he made Hannah a book and he didn't leave anything for Abby...." And now, even though the words had been silly and not what she meant to say at all, a lone tear slipped out. She immediately reached to wipe it, and then stared up into Robert's gentle face. This was how she had sat with Jared, more than once in those two weeks while they'd had Hannah together. He would hold her just exactly like this, and she would cry against him and he'd hold her with the other hand, just exactly like this. He would rest his chin on her head as she cried, and murmur inconsequential platitudes.... Like Robert was right now.

And Melia cried.

There were a lot of words in her tears... grief came with words this time...

I loved him so much, I miss him so much, I want to be with him, this isn't fair.... This isn't fair....

And Robert's tears mingled with hers. I know it isn't fair, I know it, honey, I miss Karen too, I miss her with all my heart, and I love her so much still; I ache to hold her, I can't stand to sleep in my bed without her, can't stand to wake in the morning and know she's not there.

He rubbed her back, burrowed into her neck and cried. Melia couldn't even lift her own hands. She could only see Jared holding Hannah, Jared .... Jared....she would never get over him, she thought wildly; never... she would never be able to love like that again. She said so, Robert agreed. He didn't try to sugar-coat it like others did, telling her she'd get through it, or time would heal it. He simply agreed with her.

Relief and exhaustion played a haggard role in Melia's ability to cope with everything that had happened to her. But after awhile, the events of the day got the best of her, she began to relax, and Robert urged her to lay her head against his shoulder and he cuddled his arm around her and rested against the couch holding Abby peacefully, and hiccupping and sobbing occasionally, Melia finally fell asleep. And that was how Megan found them a few hours later when Hannah woke and wanted to nurse.

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