dearest buck

 .

i dreamed about you. again. there were two apartment doors next to each other. i was standing in one doorway chatting to you standing in the other. you wore a light blue plaid shirt, horribly unbuttoned nearly to your waist (no gold chain, thank goodness) there was a wall between us, but somehow we shared the same ceiling above that. i don't know why, but this featured very clearly, even zooming in like a camera, in my dream. men were carrying boxes and heavy items to put in your apartment. you were moving in and the sun was warm and the sky a bright, pool blue. there were thorn trees scattered all over, huge and beautiful with wide umbrellas. i kept touching your chest, i could not keep my hands off you, i really had trouble not reaching out to stroke and feel your skin and i kept doing it, although i knew i ought not to (why, i still have no idea). it was very obvious that you were standing close enough to me so that i could do just that. your eyes were shaded but the fire in them was unmistakable, still, it was all very shrouded and conspiratorial. i become wet thinking about this. the attraction between us was overpowering and even now that feeling will not leave me. i love your lips and your eyes and everything...everything.

what do you think my dream means? i know what i think...

i have read through every letter i have written to you (you know me, i make copies of everything) and i have so many thoughts now that time has moved on. mostly i think how every word i wrote, about how magical i think we are, is more true than before, do you feel this too? it makes me unbelievably happy. i can honestly say that i am more in love with you than i have ever been before or with anyone else - this is certain. you know i am such a skeptic and i found it hard to believe that you would not tire of me and my shit. you promised never to let me harm us, regardless of my destroying streak. thank you, i do believe you have done just that. you come through for me every single time. i have waited for you to disappoint me, willed you; i have anticipated it, but it just has not happened.

i once said to you, thank you for your patience with me. your answer was: i love you, i do not need to have patience with you. that took my breath away, i have never heard anything more intense. it touched me deeply.

i will never leave you, no matter what. you have won me over a million times with those words alone. you have to keep me now for ever and always. you make me a good person, buck. hope and light and goodwill flows from me sometimes (mmm...true) because of you. it feels as if we will live for ever in perfection. which brings me to something else. when we started out i had this feeling of flawlessness. it was a strange notion that everything can be so perfect and it was romantic and storybook-like actually, because it felt unreal. now i know all is not perfect, which makes it even more perfect than it was. and i know that you know what i mean when i say this. we are two human beings, but only just. my heaven is in you. i mean this too. my heaven is in you. think about these words, okay? (sometimes i think i just repeat myself to you all the time, but what can i do when that is what i want to tell you always?)

you are my everything. another of those cliches, but have you ever thought what that 'everything' represents, buck? i have. you are my life partner, my husband, my wife, my friend, my family, my saviour, my equal, my all, which brings me back to my everything. i got so much more than i wanted when i met you. i have never had someone so little, yet so fully and completely. you rock my world, you honestly do. every day. you are every different little and big thing i have ever wanted, all contained in one individual. do you know any other woman who has this, buck? am i the luckiest girl in the world?

i think so.

i must tell you. a colleague is getting married. you will not believe what her future husband is doing for his bachelor party. he and friends will be having a backyard axe throwing gettogether. this takes place at a club for backyard axe throwing. i asked her if there is alcohol involved and she said yes! i'm quite horrified. imagine! i wouldn't want you to do that without me. not sure why, but i want to be there where axes get thrown around you. would you let me take part in such an event? (maybe we could do it together...?)

i have had my eye lids tattooed. (don't pass out) it hurt only a little. i now have permanent eyeliner in green so dark, it looks blackish, but it has an overall gentle dark green tinge. it looks pretty, i am so pleased with it, i hope you are too.

i have to go now but i love you.

 .

ruby