I try writing in the stupid journal. Actually I pick it up several times just to look at the blank pages that stare back at me, begging for me to write something...anything.

After about an hour, I toss it aside again for the hundredth time. Instead I climb out the window, thinking that fresh air might do me some good. Just thinking about forgiving anyone right now makes me want to vomit.

"Hey, you alright?" Hayden sits beside me and starts rubbing my back.

"I guess so." I say not so convincing.

"That's sounded so reassuring, come out let it out, I'm here to listen; what is it?"

"Dr. Gilbert....can you believe she wants me to write a letter to them; she wants me to let them know what they did and how it effects my life and maybe be able to forgive them.

"Why?"

"Something about if I write it, it will be out in the open and it will be off my chest, my mind and maybe I can actually move on with my life. I mean what the hell; forgive them, why, how could I or anyone ever be able to do that." My eyes tear up just thinking about it. I don't want to cry in front of him but I just can't stop the damn tears from coming.

He places his arm all the way around me. "You know they do say it helps heal the mind and soul, but I totally understand how you feel and it's difficult to forgive someone for some things. Maybe at least try to write why you are hurting, what they did; I'm not sure about forgiving right now, but if you let it all out maybe it will help you."

"Could you....could you do it...forgive your parents?"

"I don't know Lib; I mean maybe I could. My parents have been gone a long time now and even if I did write it it's not like they can see it."

"Yeah but what if they could. Do you forgive them for fighting all the time, forgive your dad for what he did to you, to your mom?"

"I don't know?"

"How about this, I will try to write to them if you will try to write to your parents. You know just to let it all out in the open. Then I will share with you and if you want you can share with me or if we can't share with each other at least we will know it's out there."

He sits there beside me really quiet now contemplating if he should try to write them a letter. After taking it into consideration and taking a deep breath he says, "Sure if it will help you write yours I will try to."

When I get back to my room, I get out the journal and lay on the bed. I think writing to my dad would be the easiest so that is what I started with. Ok maybe it's not as easy as I thought but I got the pen and just started writing.

Dear Dad,

I was asked to write a letter to you about how you make me feel. The thing is I haven't felt anything for you in years. You see you truly pissed me off, yes I'm pissed off at you. Why because you left me behind. I thought I was your favorite little girl but I was so wrong. I use to lie in bed at night and pray to God that you would come back home, that you would save me from her, save me from him. But you never came at the last time you were there. I know you moved on and have another family. I'm sure they are nothing like us, the poor kids.

I hate that you couldn't help moma get better and get sober. I hate you and mama would fight all the time. I hate that you were the one that helped destroy our family and I hate that you couldn't protect me from him. If you would have known that mama beat us all the time or that when he came he started where she left off would you have saved us? If you had know he touched me...molested me for years until he thought raping me was better would you have saved me? Would you?

They say I should find away to forgive you somehow. But all I can think of is thanks for not taking just me with you because he would have hurt them...maybe like he did me and I can't let anyone hurt Dawn no way in hell. I'm glad I was there to protect her from him. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive you for leaving us and honestly it hurt so much that a part of me doesn't care if you live or die. I hate saying it that way but its how I feel at the moment. A part of me died the day you left. So please forgive me that I can't forgive you.

Your ex-daughter

Star

I decided to write Mama's letter next...

Dear Moma,

I have never lied to you and it really really hurts to know that you can't believe your own daughter of all people you should believe in me. At first I hated dad so much for leaving us with you but then I soon realized he left because of you...you made him leave.

You would rather drink or get your next fix, anything to settle your nerves so to speak. I hate that you would go to the extreme and pass out so much and it would scare the shit out of me because I didn't know if you were dead or not. I would pray this is it...this is the time I'm going to try to wake you up and you will be gone, but you always woke up. You would wake up pissed off and hit me or whoever was closest to you. You would beat us for stupid stuff...stuff that didn't even matter. You would call us every name in the book. I hate that you would rather drink than to actually care for me...us...our well being. I hate that you stopped reading us stories at night, playing in the mud and even singing and dancing like crazy in the living room or out in the pouring rain as if that was the only thing in the world...nothing else mattered then.

I looked up to you, my moma, until you started hitting us then I disliked you. But when you let him move in, I hated you. And when you would pass out, I prayed that you would never wake up.

You see, you let him move in. I mean what the hell, what did you ever see in him? He was so mean to us. I thought you were bad but he was way worse, he was like the devil.

I hate that you let him beat us like that. I hate that you let him hurt me. You were there the whole time in the next room, the same damn house. You say you never seen anything but I know you had to have or at least heard something. I mean really moma, really.

I hate that you just didn't care if we ate or not. I hate that you just stopped caring for us. And I'm not a bitch or a lying whore. I told you the freaking truth. I was raped by the man you called your lover or whatever he was to you. I couldn't tell you or anyone because he threatened me and I would rather die a million times over and over before he laid a hand on my little sister.

I was asked to write this and try to forgive you for the things that you have done to me but how do I do that, you stopped being my mom the day you had that first drink. I feel that I should say that I love you or something and I should because you are my moma but I don't. I hate everything about you and I may never ever be able to forgive you for the hell that you put me through.

Sorry- Unforgiven

Star

It takes me over two days to write to Jackson. I guess he had put the fear of death in me and just thinking about him even now as I write this I cringe.

Dear Jackson,

Why?

Why would you do that to a kid? Well I was a teen, but still I was so much younger than you and way under age to be doing what you did to me. Did my mom not satisfy your needs- wait how could she? She was always passed out. Why did you always make sure she was messed up, I mean you did supply her with everything she needed. You always made sure she had her fix. Did you want her to be out of it so that when you were with me she couldn't save me? Did it turn you on to hurt me? Of course it did that's why you were there every night.

When I first met you, I thought you were there to help us, to save moma but you made sure she couldn't do anything. Even if she did hear or see anything she was too far gone to get up and do anything.

So I hate you for coming into our lives. I hate the way you would yell and hit us like we were stay animals- hell animals got better treatment than we did. I hate the way you would look at me- that look that makes my skin crawl. I hate how you would talk to me and then think it was alright to touch me. I hate that you took everything away from me making me feel unwanted, unloved, worthless...I could go on but why.

You killed me over and over, every time you touched me apart of me died. It's going to be so hard to move on with my life, so hard to actually fall in love and have real feelings for someone else. But there is someone and I'm going to at least try. And I know you will always be there, somehow somewhere in the back of my mind you will always be there, you made sure of that. Made sure that I would never forget the one who was all my first for everything...my first kiss...my first hug, my first ...you know, but I'm going to find a way to erase you from my life, I'm not sure how but I'll find away.

Forgiveness HA!

Oh I prayed that you would die, I hoped you would overdose on your own fix. I hoped and prayed every night that when I woke up you would be dead. I just wished that in the bitter end that it was me that killed you. That revenge was mine. I hate you and I'm glad you are dead you worthless son of a bitch- child molesting bastard who gets off raping a young girl.

Forgiveness- not in this lifetime.

Guess it's harder to forgive someone who really has hurt you, but how do you. I can't right now and may never be able to; I mean could you do it, forgive....

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Sorry it has taken me a while to post. If you are enjoying the story or have any suggestions please let me know, I would love to hear feedback.