겁에 질린

If you asked her how she felt, she'd tell you one word: terrified. But she ran after him regardless. Like the person to always want to patch up his injuries, June followed his footsteps until they reached backstage and through the doors leading outside.

It was cold. Colder than any other day in December.

And with her arms crossed, June shivered the cold away and searched for Jimin who was standing right there.

Distressed and completely outraged, he has been kicking the winter air, mumbling something to his breath and pulling on his hair once or twice. ''Screw this.''

Jimin promised himself that he would get better, that he would quit but the withdrawal hit harder than ever.

His legs were almost giving out, which isn't surprising since the last time he ate was almost twenty hours ago. The very last molecules of energy were stored at the bottom of his heart, enough to keep it pumping, enough to keep him alive.

And he was stressed and angry at the possible outcome of his final scene in the play, of the final act in which he has to give the best of him.

But he was weak.

And depended on a stress relief of any kind, so much that he digs out a cigarette from his pocket, one that he probably stole from someone's jacket sitting on a chair backstage.

When lighting it up, he breathed in and out. Then he noticed June's presence and his once tense shoulders relaxed.

''You're going to catch a cold out here, maybe we should get back inside.''

''The snow'', Jimin said. ''It's almost like...'' He paused, searching for a word.

With arms still crossed, June waited.

''...almost like it's tip-toeing or singing. Can you hear it?'' He asked. ''Can you hear the snow?''

A step made forward. ''Are you okay, Jimin?''

And he laughed, cynically. The breath released from his lungs formed clouds in the air that were hard to distinguish from the cigarette smoke. ''Of course I am.''

But his hand moved, his feet became restless. ''I just really like the snow.'' And he looked up, closed his eyes for a little while. ''I like how it takes a second for it to melt on my face. It's calming, unlike the rain. The rain is ravenous, angry. But when you think about it more, you realize that it's the same thing. Both rain and snow are the same thing: drops of water molded by different temperature.''

''Just like you.''

''What do you mean?'' He looked down, eyes gazing at her.

''The rain, the snow. It reminds me of you.'' Arms now uncrossed, June stood still. ''Sometimes playful and happy. Calming, even. Then cold and sad at times. But it's still you. All of it is still you.''

Jimin didn't say anything. He was only huffing the cigarette smoke in the air, his lips went stiff.

But he paced around, his hands started doing things instead, and he was nervous, no, agitated. His mind was all over the place and he was looking for a reason but he couldn't hunt it down.

He could not extend the time he was already losing so he forced words out anyway.

''The pills I took, the amount of money I spent for all the empty bottles of alcohol under my sink, the way I treated you when I was still dating her, even the accident I caused, they are all me, right?''

There was a sudden change in his accent and in the pitch of his voice.

''Jimin, I didn't mean it like tha-''

''All of it is just the embodiment of the person I've sworn on my life I never wanted to be, yet everyone's acting as if I'm this amazing guy, that I'm the perfect friend who's always there for everyone with no flaws attached to my bones.''

Like ice, cold and sharp were his words as they touched June's skin, but unlike the snow, his words couldn't melt away. They'd just stay there, like a constant reminder of all the things that couldn't blossom. 

''I've been lying. This whole time I've been lying straight through my teeth. I've lied to myself, lied to you and my friends, my brother, and-and god, even to my dear mother.''

''Jimin, listen to me-''

''Even after everything I did, they were all protecting me. Jungkook never told anyone about me sleeping on the floor and being drunk out of my skull almost every damn practice.''

He laughed, but the cigarette in between his fingers kept burning.

''Do you know what Jungkook said to me the night of the accident?''

And burning.

''He said that he was glad to be in the passenger seat, that he was glad it was his legs that got crushed and not mine. That he'd rather die than not be able to watch me dance ever again.''

And burning.

''For god's sake, I was drunk driving! I did this to him! I did exactly what I promised myself I'll never do after my dad died but everyone is still defending me.''

Until it touched the skin on his fingers, burnt him and he hissed, dropping the remaining cigarette on the snow as its flames died down in it. Maybe now he'll finally give up smoking.

''Jimin, are you okay?'' And the urge to heal him came right back up.

''No!'' He shrieked. Harsh, guttural even, as if the word has been torn out of his throat. ''I'm not okay! I'm sick of everything.''

She wanted to say something, but she got lost in the empty and glossy brown eyes carrying deep bags underneath.

''I'm sick of constantly feeling weak, worthless. I'm sick of lying, sick of pretending and being a shitty friend, I'm sick of not being there when you needed me, sick of myself and I'm just-I just--''

He licked his lips, tried to find a good reason for feeling like this but it could never be explained. Not in the way he wanted so he just looked down into nothingness.

''I'm tired, June...''

The wind carried more snow and his teeth chattered.

''I'm just so tired. Tired of waking up every day, being scared that I'll fuck something up, that I'll make a wrong move and destroy everything before it even begins. It's like as soon as something good happens to me, I need to ruin it as if I'm bored of life. I was so scared of someone breaking me, so I eventually broke myself. Wish we could turn back time and talk about everything, about my dad, about Taehyung-''

Oh no.

''Taehyung has nothing do to with this Jimi-''

''Because he's not real, right?''

Jimin's voice cut through her like a knife would on a human flesh. It probably hurt the same way. Maybe even more because it was coming out of him, from all of the people, it hurt more hearing him say it than the thousands of times June kept repeating the same sentence inside of her head.

''It's like a coping mechanism. You've created him in your head for comfort whereas I bought a bottle of whiskey.'' Jimin chuckled dryly. ''It's okay. I don't think of you any different than I did before, June.''

It was her turn to laugh, but she looked up at the night sky, hiding the tears that were building up in her eyes. ''That's exactly how I feel about you, Jimin.'' 

Then her gaze is back to staring at her feet and back at Jimin. ''And I was trying to tell you. All this time, I was trying to tell you that none of this, none of the things that happened would make me think any different of you. You're so much more than your problems.''

June saw the hurt in Jimin's eyes, and instead of feeling relieved, it all felt heavier than before. She never meant to hurt him. If anything, all she ever wanted was to relieve him from this pain but how could she when his pain might've been linked to her all along.

''You have no idea how much I want to be with you. How much I want to kiss you, hug you, hold you but I'm so scared of hurting you. Call me selfish, I don't care. I'm not allowing myself to hurt you the way I hurt Jungkook, Bo and myself.''

''Jimin--''

''I've been thinking about this for so, so long.'' His eyes are now red, he was hiding his tears too. ''You know how in the last scene, the Prince jumps off the balcony and kills himself? It took everything in me to finally see how much of a coward I'd be if I've done the same but then I'm only left with the second option.'' He lingered. ''And that is to leave, go to rehab and press pause on my life. Just to get my head clear, but mostly, to keep myself away from hurting you and everyone around.''

June's pupils had been centered on the goosebumps all over Jimin's body. Dressed in a white unbuttoned blouse with black suspenders and his sleeves rolled up, June couldn't look away from him. She was afraid that if she looks anywhere else, for the worst part, in his eyes again, that it'll make her believe the words he has just said.

''This is so unfair...''

''June, listen-''

''No. I can't do this. Not right now.''

With his hand wrapped around her wrist, he stopped her from leaving. ''Please June, this is what I want-''

And she shook his hand off, something entangling her whole. ''What about what I want?'' It was pain and fear talking instead of her. ''Nothing I say right now matters because you've made up your mind, right? You're just going to leave me here and expect me to be better on my own-''

''I never said that-''

''You didn't need to.'' With a deep exhale, tears came running down her face. ''You were right'', sniff, ''you are selfish. And do you know what all selfish people have in common? They leave. They all leave.''

''Hey'', Jimin said, cupping her face in his hands so gently, as if holding something fragile, something that was about to break. ''I'm not going to leave you. I'm never going to leave you, you hear me?'' A small movement of his thumb was enough to wipe her tear away. ''This is not a goodbye but more like I'll see you soon. And once I'm okay again, I'll take you out on a date to Disneyland.''

''To see Goofy?''

He laughed. ''To see Goofy.''

June finally settled her gaze on the boy in front of her and found out that even though his eyes were brimmed with lonely teardrops, his lips were smiling, joy showing through.

The distance between them became smaller and smaller until it completely disappeared. And soon, her arms were around him, squeezing the dear life out of his soul because there was nothing more she wanted than to hold him, really.

''June, promise me something,'' Jimin said. ''While I'm pressing pause on my own life, promise you won't do the same to yours? Keep on living, I'll catch up to you somehow.''

And if you asked her how she felt in that moment, she'd tell you one word.

Terrified.