The Race Track, Hardwicke

September 2nd, 2015

Midnight 

Hardwicke was a strange little place once the lights went out, I never really thought about it much as a teenager. But winding my way through the mostly quiet streets as an adult I found the occasional bar or club still open, with queues of eager young adults hoping to dupe the bouncers into letting them into such places. I was unsure as to when down town Hardwicke had become such a popular place, or if it had always been that way.

 Growing up, I had largely been naive and unaware of what was going on around me. I guess I had fallen in with the right crowd during school and high school, there had been very little pressure to fit in or follow trends. 

Currently I was brooding over my thoughts out at the old race track, it looked to have been abandoned a few years ago. The wire meshing was coming away from its support poles, a few of the bleachers were rotten and broken, there were tufts of grass growing around the race track and I was fairly sure I had seen a few critters roosting in the old lights.

Sure, sitting out at an abandoned race track at midnight by myself wasn't the wisest thing I had ever done. But being back in Hardwicke hadn't exactly been the wisest move I had made either, it seemed though that I wasn't very wise at the moment and was happy enough to accept that. 

"I thought I might find you out here." I screamed at the sudden intrusion of another person into my quiet space, but recovered quickly when I realized I was in no physical danger. 

"What are you doing here Samuel?" Trying not to cringe I kept my gaze from straying to the man that had forced me to be a lot more introspective than I ever had been. Yes, I did sound like a sulky five year old when I asked the question but that couldn't be helped. I knew I had been in the wrong the moment Sam had confronted me but hadn't wanted to admit it and still did not want to admit it. 

 "I was just out for a nice, evening bike ride and figured I'd head this way. What are you doing here?" In spite of my mood I found myself smiling, a response like that used to be very typical of Samuel that I had almost forgotten he had once been a joker. 

 "Seriously though, I was getting a little worried when you hadn't shown up back at your parents home and figured you were either still at the hotel getting blind drunk with Beth or you were sitting out here over thinking things." Drinking with Beth? Taking a good, long look at Samuel I could barely make out a broad smile on his face and found myself scoffing at the suggestion. There was no way in hell I was going to include Beth in my group of friends, let alone include her in my drinking group of friends. 

 "Have you turned into a stalker now Samuel?" I teased, it was automatic. For some weird reason we had fallen back into Rose and Sam, the inseparably dorky duo from high school, it felt comfortable, normal and one of those 'oh so right' moments that I had longer for since leaving Hardwicke.

 Samuel laughed at my joke before coming to sit beside me. "Fine, I admit to a bit of stalking but only because I wanted to apologize for what I said and how I said it at dinner. You didn't really deserve it, I was getting a little frustrated by the fact that I was getting nowhere nearer to what we'd had in the past. Ya know? You just...I don't know. You always seem to have this wall up around you whenever I come into the picture and occasionally, just when I distract you enough I get to see the old you...the real you. But in the blink of an eye it's gone again and I'm stuck with this stranger who hates me." I sighed, Sam seemed so sad about the entire thing. I guess now was as good a time as any to air all dirty laundry that I had been clinging onto for dear life and I so wished this would be easier on Sam than I imagined it would be. 

 For a few moments I remained quiet, I could tell that Sam was waiting for me to say something...but I needed to get my own thoughts into order before spilling them all to him. He deserved answers at least and maybe a small explanation to why I was currently being the way I was, but surely he would and could understand part of it. 

 "I was so in love with you, ya know? I know you didn't really know until I told you and I probably didn't pick the right time to reveal my feelings, but god...I was so devastated when you said what you did. For a long time I stayed angry at you and then for a long time after that I wanted to stay angry at you, I wanted you to feel the same amount of rejection from me that I had felt from you. My running was a cowardly act but I swore to myself and to Teegan, that if I stayed in Hardwicke any longer I was going to kill myself. Just like you had tried to do when Beth broke up with you, so I left and tried to move on. When I came back here and saw you...all the feelings before our break up came flooding back and I realized, that despite your being an asshole that there were still feelings there and I hate myself for still wanting you." I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as the memories from ten years ago came flying back through my mind, Samuel purposefully hurting himself to feel something after the humiliation Beth had put him through, my confession to him and later rejection. 

 Again we fell into silence, I was too stubborn this time to get up and just walk away. I wanted to hear what Samuel had to say, he had given me a poor apology earlier outside the gym. I glanced his way to see what he was doing, in the dark that was a hard task to accomplish. I could barely make out his head and shoulders in the darkness but wanted so badly for him to say something, anything. 

 "I'm sorry, I know that is a pretty generic apology and one you likely don't want to hear. But I really, truly am sorry for what I said that day...I realized as soon as you had walked out the door that what I had said went against everything I felt. But I was too scared to come grovelling to you, I should have. I should have crawled from my bedroom all the way to your parents front door and begged you to forgive me for all the cruel things I had said. But like you said, it wasn't the best time and I hadn't been in the right head space. But still, it doesn't excuse what I said, how I said it and how much I hurt you. I tried to track you down once you had left Hardwicke, but your parents weren't talking and Teegan tried to kill me every chance she got. So I kind of had to accept that you had gone and I had lost you." The resignation in Sam's voice was so obvious, it burst the walls that I had held up and I found myself crying. 

 Some people describe it as an ugly cry, I do too and couldn't help myself. Glad that it was dark I leaned into Samuel's shoulder and allowed myself to cry and be comforted by the one person that I wanted to be comforted by more than anyone else in the world. 

 "I'm so so sorry," I heard Samuel murmur as he pulled me closer into his side. We sat like that for a while, me crying into Samuel's shoulder while he comforted me. It felt just like the old days, that I could lean on him and cry for any length of time and rely on him to solve any of my problems. But we weren't fifteen and sixteen anymore so I only allowed myself a small amount of time to cry before pulling away, while caught in that moment of mourning I felt like I needed Samuel...maybe I did but almost as soon as I had pulled away I was left feeling mortified. 

 "Why are you so chummy with Beth if she hurt you so bad in the past? You were so cut up when she broke things off with you I'd have thought you would never want to see her ever again." That was probably the one thing that had been bugging me the most since seeing Beth and Samuel again after so long, why did he smile and laugh around her as if they were the best of friends? 

 "Beth and I have made our peace, it might be hard for you to wrap your head around but we really have moved past what happened back then. She admitted that it was a stupid teenage mistake and it should never have happened...and, you were right all those years ago. I was an idiot teenager who set himself up for heartbreak, god I was ridiculous when it came to Beth. I'm kind of ashamed at how obsessive I had gotten." It was weird, totally weird to hear Samuel finally admit that his 'crush' on Beth had been completely ridiculous. It was just a few years and trials too late. 

 "I guess, if you can forgive Beth then I can work at forgiving you. Without the revenge of course, but it'll be slow going." Another amount of weight seemed to lift from my shoulders at that admission, I felt very little dislike towards Samuel now that we had actually spoken. At least, that was what I had been telling myself. "Thanks Rose, I really appreciate it. Want me to drive you home? I noticed you hadn't driven down here," I hadn't, partially because I had gone home and downed another few glasses of wine and had felt a little too intoxicated to drive down to the race track. I laughed though, I hadn't been too intoxicated to ride my old bike down though. 

 "You'll have to shove my bike into the boot of your car, I..yeah." I didn't want to finish that sentence and reveal that I actually had come off the bike a few times and had dismounted none too gracefully at the end. I was sure my knees were scraped in a few places, but again I wasn't going to reveal that to Samuel. 

 "You rode down here? I'm impressed? And on the old bike too, we're getting nostalgic here aren't we?" Samuel laughed as he picked my bike up off the ground and began pushing it towards his truck."I sure am, reliving my teenage years but in much cooler fashion and with a little more style and a little less grace." I couldn't help but laugh, the same went with Samuel as he shoved my bike none too gently into the back of his truck, I didn't really mind because it was a really old bike and no one had used it in a few years. 

 "Come on then Rosie, lets get you home." I climbed into the passenger seat of Samuel's truck and sighed. I was tired and beyond ready for bed, I knew Tee wouldn't be home yet but hoped where ever she was that she was happy and having fun.