I force myself to stay in the moment, to focus on Rory's face as she runs her fingers down my chest and to the button on my jeans. Rory, Rory, Rory, Rory. I remind myself of who she is until her name sounds like a chant in my ears. I keep my eyes wide open and watch her face, forcing my mind to stay present so it doesn't slip into some dark memory.

She starts kissing me on my neck but makes her way down my chest and stomach. I feel my jeans fall around my feet. She's on her knees and pulling off my boxers and oh my god.

"You don't have to do that!" I say hurriedly.

She laughs softly and lifts her eyes to look at me. "And what if I want to?"

"Well, in that case, I mean, if you want to, if you really do-" I gasp. "Holy fuck!" I tangle my fingers in her damp hair and try so hard to keep it together because if I come now it's over, and I am not ready for it to be over. Not even close.

It feels so good I don't even know where I am. My eyes are rolling in my head and all I can do is groan. Rory stops right before I lose it, leaving me desperate for her, and I kiss her wildly. I want her to devour me.

And then we're both naked, tangled together under the covers as the ice taps on the window outside. Her skin is as pale as snow, almost too beautiful to consider touching, like an ice sculpture or a fancy chocolate you can't bring yourself to consume. She guides my hands to the places that make her moan.

We make the foreplay last just to torment each other, just for the fun of it. Then when we both can't stand it anymore I push her onto her back. A thought hits me and I stop myself.

"Wait, don't we need a-"

Rory shakes her head. "I'm on the pill. It regulates my periods for dance. I've been on it for years."

"You sure it works?" I ask nervously.

"Austin... don't worry."

She reaches her hand down to guide me inside of her, and I instantly forget what I was talking about. There's a hot rush of pleasure that almost hurts in its intensity. My eyelids flutter as I gasp.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah," I say breathlessly, "You just feel fucking amazing."

I begin to move against her body, and within seconds I'm about to lose it again.

"Slow down," Rory murmurs against my mouth. "Or it'll be over too soon."

"Sorry, I'm not good at this yet," I say, and she smiles, gently brushing my hair out of my eyes.

"You're doing just fine. I just want to enjoy you for as long as possible."

I try to think about boring things like grass or school to take my mind off her body, because if I think about that, it's over. Her body is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. All my life, sex has been a weapon. I never imagined it could be like this... and I realize with a rush of hope that Ray hasn't taken this away. I can be normal. I can have sex with the girl I love, and it has nothing to do with what happened to me. What happened to me was ugly, and this... this is beautiful.

The feeling of her hands on my back and her lips gently sucking on my neck is too much. No amount of thinking about grass is going to make me last much longer.

"Rory, I'm about to-"

"I know, it's okay. Just let go. I want to feel you finish inside me," she says, her breath hot against my ear.

And I do, shuddering against her as she pulls me in further. I collapse on top of her, my head resting in the crook of her neck, my fingers tangled in her hair like fish trapped in a net. She draws pictures on my back as I fade into some spectacular dreamy place between sleep and awake.

"Guess what I'm writing," she whispers in my ear, jerking me back to reality.

I focus on the cool tips of her fingers making letters on my back. O... L... I lose the rest, but it can only be one thing:

"Olaf," I chuckle.

"Damn. Okay, what am I writing now?" she asks.

Rory traces new loops on my skin, and I try to make out the letters. This one is much harder.

"Um... poo?" I guess, confused.

Rory laughs loudly, and I can feel that laugh vibrating through her chest where my body rests against hers.

"Oh my God! NO! I wrote pointe, but thanks for ruining this romantic moment."

"Sorry, it's harder than it looks!" I laugh. "Do another! Give me a chance to redeem myself."

Rory writes more random words on my skin: love, moon, stars, snow, ice, and... what feels like:

"Boobs," I say, "That's gotta be boobs. Don't bullshit me. I know that word."

Rory laughs, "Okay fine, you're right. I gave you one silly freebie."

I stay there for another few minutes, falling asleep inside of her.

"Austin?" Rory whispers after awhile, and I wake out of a light sleep.

"Hm?"

"I just didn't want you to fall asleep on top of me. You're heavier than you look, skinny kid," she says.

I roll off of her, pulling her into my arms. Even though it's sleeting outside the room feels hot all of the sudden, our skin slick with a thin layer of sweat.

"I love you, Rory. I can't ever tell you how much."

Rory smiles, biting her lip in this adorable way. "I love you too. Sleep well, sweetheart."

We fall asleep then. As peaceful and beautiful as the last half hour has been, when I close my eyes the darkness consumes me, and I have twisted dreams about Mom and Ray.

In one, I'm panicking about a mess my mom is making on the floor, clothes and trash piled high, and I know I'll have to take the blame for it and she couldn't care less. I'm trying desperately to clean it up before Ray sees, but I can't because the mess is too damn big and there's nowhere to hide it. I'm screaming at Nikki to help me, and she forgets what I'm talking about every five seconds so I have to explain it all over again. Ray beats the hell out of me with an extension cord while she just watches, smoking a cigarette like she's watching TV.

The dreams come in succession, one bleeding into the next. In the second one, I'm back in the motel room with one of Ray's clients, only this time Nikki is there too. I'm screaming, screaming for her, "Mommy help me!" And all she does is just watch as I'm being raped, a cigarette in her mouth. "Who are you talking to? I'm not your mother," she says.

Then the dream becomes me watching, and the kid on the bed is now Pixie. She's screaming for me to save her, and I can't, my legs useless and paralyzed. I try to crawl to her, and I can't reach her. Her agonizing screams fill up my whole body.

I jerk awake then and don't recognize where I am except that I'm in some motel room, just like the nightmare rooms of my childhood. Someone's on top of me, and I instantly react, rolling over and pinning them to the bed, my hands wrapped around their throat. Adrenaline courses through my body, and I swear I'll crush their goddamn windpipe before it's all over. Kill first, ask questions later.

I feel hands pulling at my arms, then frantically hitting my back, and I look down, horror sweeping over me when I see Rory's face. Reality collides with my nightmare, and memories of where we are and why flood into my brain.

"Oh my God, Rory, I'm sorry!" I gasp, releasing her.

She chokes, sucking for air, her eyes wide and scared. "Austin!"

Her voice sounds broken.

"I was dreaming! I'm so sorry! Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!"

I gently touch her neck, and Rory winces with pain, but I can tell she tries to hide it.

"I'm fine," she says hoarsely, "You just surprised me."

"I'd never hurt you! I'm so sorry!" I cry, and Rory shakes her head.

"I'm okay, Austin. Really," she says, but she doesn't sound convincing. "You were making noise, so I tried to wake you up. You wanna tell me about it?"

I shake my head, trying to keep from puking. Rory doesn't press me to talk. She kisses my forehead, her hand smoothing my sweaty hair off my face.

I finally calm down enough to feel normal. Rory eventually falls back to sleep, but I sure as hell don't, not wanting to risk another nightmare, another reaction that might make me unintentionally hurt her. I eventually grab the extra blanket out of the closet and spend the rest of the night on the floor beside the bed.