・・・☆・ Sixty Four ・・・☆・

Since retreating to the bedroom fro some much needed air, Yingyue had taken to lying on the left side of the bed. She was perched on her side as she stared blankly at the wall running the argument through her head over and over again. Running thorough her own words and actions until she realised just how much in the wrong she had really been. The whole aspect of her argument had been pointless for part of it. Yes she still agreed wholeheartedly with what she had said regarding Shancai. But the whole relationship aspect, she meant none of it. In truth it was anything but. 

The truth was simple. She still held a small amount of jealousy. The reason she had snapped at Ximen about him dating girls before her, which really was none of her business who he had and hadn't dated before her. Was because she was jealous. She had watched him dating others and done nothing about it. There was two of them, she could have confessed her feelings way before she actually did. It wasn't down to him to confess first. And now, now she felt really guilty. She didn't care for his previous relationships anymore, they were the past, she should be focusing on the present and the future. Otherwise, if she spent too much time hyper-fixating on the past she would miss what was going on around her. 

The left side of the bed was not her normal position. She had always taken to the right side, had done for as long as she had been in this relationship. The problem with lying on the right side at present was that it was the one closest to the door and the one where she would just stare at it. And Yingyue didn't want the possibility of Ximen coming up the stairs and into the room just so she could see how upset their argument had made him. She hated knowing that he was possibly downstairs upset, like he normally was every time they had a slight disagreement knowing this time was bigger and it was her at fault. In reality, it should be her to go and make amendments, but she was embarrassed. Embarrassed of what she said and the feeling of jealousy she still felt bubbling deep down. They were married, they were starting a family yet, she was acting as though they were 15 and she was the obsessive girlfriend.  

Putting herself up to going back downstairs to apologise was harder than it should have been. She had determined she was in the wrong, that was what the whole point of the previous inner monologue she had, had been about. Yet why was she still lying on the bed with no intent to move from it and to just continue her sulking. It was her pride. Her pride was in extortionate amounts. It was ridiculous really that her pride was still trying to keep itself held high in this situation. 

Finally, after convincing herself to sit up with a lot of internal reprimands for not having done so earlier. Yingyue considered by remaining in her bed sulking about what she had said and avoiding the problems she had caused would make her just as bad as Shancai who she had been ruthlessly ripping into for weeks about doing the exact thing she was doing in the present moment. She was in the wrong this time. If she could bold her own thoughts the word wrong would be in, bold, capital letters and underlined. 

They had argued many a times, small little arguments of which neither was really in the wrong at either point. Or when they had it had been solved within minutes. This was the first time they had solved it almost as instantly as it had been over. And that was purely because Yingyue had realised that more than anything else that she was the one in the wrong. It was time to fix this argument. 

She was not going to let it roll over into the night. She would not be the reason that she would sleep alone in the bed for the first time since their wedding. 

Considering the bedroom door was still open, she didn't have to worry about making a loud slamming nose when she started to head to the living room. For she could bare the idea of Ximen still thinking she was angry at him, when it was really the opposite. She was angry at herself for her actions. The stairs seemed to also be on her side as she came down them. Until they weren't. One rather loud creaking sound drew the attention of her husband who was still seated in the open plan living room, a great house plan most of the time when she wasn't walking down the stairs tail between her legs to repent for her actions.  

Ximen's head seemed to turn in slow motion as he moved it to look in her direction. She took a moment to study it but wished she hadn't. For as clear as daylight were the paths that enzymatic tears had streaked down his face, and his eyes tinted red. She watched as he went to rub furiously at his face though this only added to the emotional stress he so clearly showed in the moment. 

"God I am such a bitch." Yingyue muttered to herself as she continued the final descent down the stairs and towards where he was. She took her steps slowly and calculatedly not because she feared him being physical. She would never fear that. But because she was not sure how he would respond to her considering the way she had blown up at him. 

"Ximen..." Shit, does she use a pet name. Does she try to sweeten it up. How does she apologise from this. He remained silent his gaze set heavy upon her. Was he thinking she would lash out on him again. If only she would blame this on these stupid pregnancy hormones. But she wouldn't do that. 

"I'm... I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have blown up at you like that. It was completely uncalled for." Yingyue wanted to pat herself on the back for that phenomenal start. It wasn't like she had never apologised before but she had definitely never felt this tongue tied trying to do it. She waited for some sort of response from him but all she got was a little hum. In fact, Ximen had made no effort to move from how he had been when she first came into the room he was sat on the armchair lent forward as his hands rested upon his knees, his right foot was tapping away anxiously making the most subtle noise upon the flooring. His lack of reaction scared Yingyue. 

"I... why is this so hard to say." Yingyue pinched herself rather hard to try and snap herself out of this meek little performance she was giving. She wouldn't dare stutter over her words, she was not weak. But she couldn't formulate anything that would portray even half of the emotions she felt half the sorrow and guilt she felt. She went to pinch herself a second time before starting again. 

"It was completely irrational of me to say those things to you. It was stupid for me to bring up your past relationships when there wasn't a real reason to. It's not like your feelings were one sided all those years. I saw those relationships and I didn't even think perhaps if I wanted you to stop dating other girls and date me instead that I could make the first move. There was no need for me to bring them up, those exes are what that word describes exes. It was jealousy speaking, jealousy I should have brought up in a calmer way." Yingyue paused to get her breath. 

She still saw no sign that her true intent was being received. She could only imagine that she had truly upset him enough that there was no return. Had she really ruined their relationship, their marriage just because she couldn't accept the fact that there had been girls before her. That familiar feeling of tears building up in her eyes as she began to accept what she felt like her ruining of the one relationship she never wanted to lose to be fact. 

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what else I can do to fix this, to fix us. You're my everything, I don't care about those girls they might have had you first, but I have you now." Again there was no clear audible reaction to her words, and the damn seemed to burst as Yingyue could no longer control the tears. She was turning into one of those girls in the dramas, poor second leads. 

Instead, though she nearly missed it, there was a small beckoning of a hand. A grabbing like motion for Yingyue to place her own into. Desperate for any sign that she hadn't completely destroyed everything, she tried to not overly hasten how she took hold of that hand. But shows sure the action was as desperate as she felt in that moment. The hand guided her to come even closer than she was already and to the point where she was now sat on his lap facing him. Their eyes were finally at the same level and Yingyue hoped that this would give her a better insight into what he was thinking at that moment in time. After all the eyes were supposed to be the windows of the soul. Yet even closer, all she could see was the hurt she had caused. 

The cascading tears were only encouraged by this new idea. She could feel herself ramble over and over again the words 'I'm sorry' as she almost felt the urge to go numb. To the point where she could no longer hold eye contact nor hold herself upright in a seated position. She slumped forward to the point where her head was pressed into the junction between his neck and shoulder as she continued to mumble those two words over and over again like a broken record player. 

A spare arm was wound around her as she continued to give out sobs she would later brand as being a pathetic move. But she took in that move of comfort, trying to console herself that this wouldn't occur if she had ruined everything. 

"It's okay. Yingyue, it's okay. It's okay, I forgive you." Those were the first words Ximen had spoken to her, and they were the ones she needed. Instead of pulling back like she was assumed was expected of her she only attempted to furrow herself in further. 

Time passed by but what was an hour felt like minutes to Yingyue as she sat clinging to what she had thought she had lost. Her world was contained in this little armchair and she had no intent to move under the fear that as soon as she did that she would lose it. She had finally stopped muttering around 15 minutes ago her voice raw from constant usage. Instead she had started to focus on what had at one point been the single hand but had changed to both, when she had dropped the connected hand to grasp at his waist, which rubbed a soothing rhythm on her back much like one would do for a child. 

It was that singular feather like kiss to the top of her forehead which snapped her out of any strange thought path she had ended up on. It was the one of those acts that were so intimate almost sacred between couples. It was enough to turn her brain on a complete U-Turn from where she was still convincing herself that he was doing this to calm her down before he vanished from her life. 

"I love you, my beautiful idiot." were his accompanying words. 

Author's note:

I have like no words for this chapter. I'm sorry if it felt like I was writing it for ages. Mainly cause I had to keep editing my horrible vocabulary out of it.

No words 

Other than I don't think anyone wants to know what the original paragraphs looked like.