Sorry it's another Amelia one - this is an old draft and her and Arizona are my favs so...

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You had taken another leave of absence from Grey Sloan. After everything, the chief was more than understanding. But it had been almost a year now and you knew, deep down, you had to get yourself together and get back to saving lives.

The trouble was, you couldn't stay sober long enough to even walk to the door in a straight line so there was no way you'd be able to cut into people. Nobody knew that you were an addict and you couldn't tell them.

You couldn't help but think that Cristina had the right idea - she got away when she could. It seemed that your intern class was cursed. Bombs, drowning, buses, planes, fires, cancer, shootings. Your class had it worst.

You knew you should drag yourself to a meeting. Your mother would've normally helped you through your addiction but she wasn't here anymore.

You walked to the meeting because you still had stuff in your system from the night before. You debated turning around. Then you did. Then you turned back around. If you didn't do it today then it would be harder tomorrow.

When you walked in, you pulled your hood up over your head and took a seat. Someone was already talking. Your leg wouldn't stop bouncing. Once they'd finished the group organiser turned to you.

"Hello!" He said, way too cheerfully.

"Hey" you said, quietly and still not looking up.

"Why don't you tell us a bit about why you're here - I don't believe we've met." He said.

"Am I meant to say 'Hi my name's y/n and I'm an addict'? Or can I just say my name? I- Sorry I haven't done this before I- you know- well anyway, my names y/n and I'm an addict so-"

"Hi y/n" they all say.

"So y/n, why now? Why are you only just attending a meeting?" The guy asked.

"It was getting difficult to be in denial and I don't have anyone else who can help me anymore. I need to get back to work - I'm a surgeon - but I can't cut into people when I'm high! I almost didn't come and I'm kinda regretting my decision not to run so-" you said, honestly.

You looked up at the man. Next to him you saw a face you recognised - Amelia Shepherd. She was looking at you with so much empathy. You quickly ducked your head back down before you started crying. You were a bit panicked now, unsure of how you'd explain this to her - you were friends but only via Meredith. You hadn't spoke to her without Meredith being around.

"How long do you think you've been addicted?" He asked.

You shrugged. You knew the answer. It would've been your teenage years when you and your friends would show up high to your classes. One time, you all mixed any of the liquids you could find in the science cupboards trying to create a "super acid". The school had to be evacuated and one of your friends went to hospital for a chemical burn on her hand.

"Dunno" you answered his question.

"This only works if you're honest y/n" he reminded you, still kindly.

"14" you mumbled, so quietly he could barely hear.

"And what do you think caused that?" He asked.

"Dad died" you told him. It was probably that and a combination of other factors like depression. You didn't want to go into detail though.

"What's the longest you've been clean for?"

You thought about it. Med school.

"3 years-ish" you said.

"Why do you think that is?" His questions were annoying you a little.

"Because life sucks balls" you said.

"Why?"

"Because everytime I get clean something horrible happens." You said.

"What happened this time?"

"Don't wanna talk about it" you said.

"That's totally ok! The fact that you showed up at all is a brilliant start!" He was still too happy.

"Sure(!)" you said, sarcastically. You rolled your eyes too.

"If you really want to get back to work I would advise talking about your problems." He pressed.

"How much time have you got!" You laughed a little pathetically.

"Try us" he said.

"Fine. As I said, my dad died just before I turned 14. Got depressed. My friends were depressed. We all did drugs together and we were less depressed. Then I got clean when I went to med school because I've always wanted to be a doctor. Started a surgical internship. Then my brother died when a bomb went off at the hospital I worked at. I saw it happen. He-" you gulped so you wouldn't cry. "Heturnedtodust" you said quickly. "I was thrown backwards and covered in what was left of his body." You became conscious that tears were falling down your face so you quickly rubbed them away and carried on whilst they listened. "I relapsed and moved back in with my mom, who helped me. Then I went back to work. Then my friend died. I went out and got drunk but at least I wasn't doing drugs. Then I went back to work again. Then there was a shooting at my work. I tripped and hit my head. The shooter walked over me because he thought I was a dead body. I lay with the other dead people for hours until someone came up to check my pulse and told me the shooter was dead. I started having nightmares. Then I relapsed. My mom helped me get clean. I went to therapy. Then I went back to work almost a year later. Then I was in a plane crash. My best friend died. Her name was Lexie. I watched wolves trying to eat her remains and-" you took another break to wipe your tears. "Her body was so ripped up I found her arm when I was a few miles out in the woods looking for food. We were trapped in the woods for days. I started hallucinating. Relapsed again when I got home. More therapy. I went back to work over a year later. Then there was a fire. I debated running into it. Just dying. I didn't. I relapsed instead. Then we had the pandemic. It was depressing. I took time off work because I couldn't deal with all the death and I couldn't risk getting my mom sick. I started drinking again, secretly. Then my friend, Andrew, was stabbed. Then I went out and got high again. Then my mom got covid. She-" another break to wipe your tears and catch your breath. "She was the last person I had and she died. Then the last person left I was close to at work moved to Boston. I started getting high every day again. I haven't been back to work yet. I did hear a rumour that I was kidnapped though on the hospital Facebook page. But it wasn't as though they singled my name out - it was a list titled 'doctors that were probably kidnapped' - the point is, I live alone and I have no reason to stay clean anymore. But I can't afford anymore drugs and to earn money I need to work and to work I need to be clean" you opened up, honestly.

"Thank you for sharing. A lot of us relate to the sense of isolation you're feeling. We-" the guy tried to say.

"No. You don't get it. You might think you're alone but - chances are - you're not. I actually am alone. And whilst I've appreciated this talk I'm gonna leave now - partially because I'm scared I'll start shouting and upset someone but also because I'm about to start hyperventilating and I'd rather not do that with an audience so thank you and goodbye!" You said, quickly and shakily. You practically ran out of the room and down the corridor. You ran into the nearest toilets and shut the cubicle door behind you.

You were mid panic attack when you heard a knocking on your cubicle.

"Hey" they said.

You ignored her and continued to cry.

"Do you need some water?" It was Amelia.

"If by 'water' you mean vodka the yes. I need lots of 'water'" you said, shakily. You were still gasping for air but she got the general idea of what you said.

"Nope just plain water. Sorry to disappoint. I was thinking we could take a walk too?" She sounded concerned.

"Did the guy send you to check on me?" You asked through your tears.

"Carl? No. He thinks you left. I figured you wouldn't have made it far given the state you were in so I came to check on you." She tells you.

You unlocked your cubicle.

She drew a sharp breath when she saw you without your hood up. You looked terrible. You were so pale you could see your veins under your skin in parts, you had terrible eye bags, your hair was greasy and in a 6 day old ponytail. You stunk of alcohol, weed, cigarettes and sweat because you couldn't even remember the last time you showered, you'd tried to mask the smell with cheap perfume. You had a load of random bruises from where you'd fallen when you were drunk. You'd lost a lot of weight because you'd forget to eat or fall asleep for most of the day and eat a small snack on the night.

"Y/n..." she couldn't even find the words to comfort you.

"Let's go find somewhere to sit, yeah?" She leads you down the hallway and to some stairs.

You both sit down.

"Everyone's left me too" she admits.

"You have a kid. It's not the same. You've got a reason to keep clean" you remind her.

"And you have a career where you save people's lives - so many people would die without you" she says.

"No. There are plenty of other surgeons way more talented than me. I can be replaced at work" you tell her.

"There are plenty of mothers out there better than me. I can be replaced. One of them could adopt Scout, Link is a good dad too so he could take him. There's nothing stopping me either. Trust me, I understand how you feel - I lost the love of my life. He died in bed next to me when we got high together. My first son, Christopher, died. Kai left. Addison left. Derek died. Dad died. If there's anyone who understands you - it's me. And because I understand you - it means you're not alone." She smiles and nudges you.

You pull her in for a hug. Her hair brushes across your face as you bury your face into her neck.

"You're crushing me!" She laughed.

You still didn't stop hugging her. She hugged you back just as tightly and puts one hand behind your head.

"I've got an idea." She said. After about 5 minutes of silent hugging.

You stop hugging her and put your hands on her shoulders to balance yourself as you look at her.

"I think - and you can totally say no! - but I think you should move in with me. We can keep each other on the straight and narrow and we'll both be less lonely but like I said you can say no if you-" she started to ramble because she was nervous.

"Yes. I'd love that. I have to do something first." You tell her.

"Of course what is it?" She asked.

"If I'm going to move in with you - I'm not going to jeopardise your recovery as well as my own so I need to have a starting point. I don't want to steal your money and go out to get off my face. I know that's a real possibility if I move in today. I'm also not about to put you through the ugly side of my recovery - I can be horrible and you don't deserve that. So, I'm going to go to rehab. I'm gonna have to sell my apartment to be able to afford it so the offer better still stand when I get out else I'll have nowhere to live!" You tell her.

"I'm so freaking proud of you" she holds your head in her hand and kisses your forehead. This makes you chuckle.

"One more condition." You say.

"Christ y/n am I about to be handed a whole rule book?" She laughed.

"No I just- I wanted to ask- you won't- I- look, you won't tell anyone you saw me here will you? I'm not asking you to lie or anything but- I just don't want anyone at the hospital to gossip or anything and- well, you understand right?" You ask her.

"Hey, it's not up to me who you decide to tell. I won't say a word. I do have a condition though." She mocked you a little at the end.

"Oh yeah?" You responded, playfully.

"I'm driving you to rehab. It's not that I don't trust you. I'm sure you have every intention of going but I would hate for you to change course-"

"Thank you." You cut her off. You were so grateful.

She smiled back at you.

She paid for your rehab because you couldn't get the money fast enough and she was scared you'd back out last second. When your apartment sale finally went through and you tried to pay her back, she wouldn't take it. She told you that you could make yourself useful by cooking for her because she's a terrible cook. You told her she was stubborn to which she responded "I know" and smiled. Still, you paid her some money monthly to help with bills.

She picked you up from rehab. She walked you in on your first day back at work. She sat with you at lunch. She observed your surgeries when she could. She taught you how to iron because, for some reason, you could never grasp it. She became your person.

The Cristina to your Meredith.

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Word count - 2404

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