as some of you may know, i've finished my BA degree in june, officially.

yaddayaddayadda

don't get me wrong, i'm proud that i did, finally. i'm here to make family history. and although it's not the... highest grade ever, but still, i'm grateful that i succeeded and i'm done and i passed. truly.

it made me put things in retrospect about the last three years. the big university years.

it made me realize how many things it ruined and changed in me.

this past school year was obviously the hardest one to live through. writing my thesis, finishing my exams, doing my closing exams which was the most stressful from this lot. and truth be told, online school actually made it easier. because i was home all the time and i could write my thesis.

but this three years in a whole... probably the hardest part of my life, like ever. you know, i've had hard periods, school wise. sixth grade, ninth grade, almost the entire elementary school. socially and mentally. not academically.

but university made me feel unsure academically too.

i was probably not the first nor last "academically gifted child and honor student" who crushed hard in university. i was not used to get three's or even fail. i was so crushed after i failed my first exam. i failed most exams of my life in that first semester (three, i think). well, sometimes you have to fail, i guess. you gotta learn this too.

i was a humanities major and i still struggled. i'm studying a whole new language in three years – that was what i told myself. i shouldn't compare myself. i was not packed with classes all week, i've always had a completely free day. but still... i think i was always a steady three student. average. sometimes i scored five's in literature and mythology (things i actually cared about), but that was it. my norwegian was a three too.

it was even harder when you had to see that you are in the bottom half of the year. active and aceing in class. miserable in exams and quizzes.

but let's not talk about anything academically now. 

i've lost half of my hair in second year. and second year, first semester was the period of my first depressive period of my life.

you know, i have general anxiety since... probably elementary school. i don't even know life without anxiety, and i'm not telling you this because i want to be dramatic or "not like other girls". but my anxiety (both social and general) have worsened in the years of university. and... depression found its way to my life too.

at first, it was hard to even... wrap my head around it. like... it's not only a few days when i have bad moods. no. it doesn't end there. it's depression.

if i wanted to feel even weaker than i've already felt about university, this just made me think it even more. i felt like (and sometimes i still feel like) i'm not stable enough for university. how can i expect good grades from myself when i can't even hold myself together?

my mom asked me around the end of that third semester that i would like to drop out or not... and i said no, and i didnt even think about quitting. which is weird. i never thought about giving it up. it was never an option.

maybe because i love to suffer. and i only acknowledge my success if i torture myself for it.

when i don't think about academic or mental stuff... there's the social stuff.

we're supposed to meet our life-long friends in university. meet your kind of people. be in class with people whose interests are the same , so it's obviously easier to make friends.

you know, it was never hard for me to make... acquaintances. i dont say friends because these people are not really friends or buddies... but something less. just people you know and meet everyday and can smalltalk with them. and i don't think i've managed to make some good, real, life-long friends in these three years.

i live at home so "dorm friends" were never in the cards for me. nor "dorm parties". i still don't know if it's a real thing or nah. whatever, i'm not a party person. shocker.

when in high school, i thought about universiry or even finishing university, i imagined myself extremely happy and proud. Preferably with a partner on my side. you know, like a healthy person when they are 21. but fuck social standards too. still single since birth. still a virgin, still without a first kiss (sometimes i wonder if kindergarden pecks on the face counts because i would feel better about my life then.).

meet some cute person in class. or in the library (i can count on my two hands how many times i've stepped into the library). or in the cafe (i dont drink coffee... especially not at uni, its expensive.) or in starbucks (i was probably more in the uni Starbucks than i was in the library, and that was not much either...).

fuck, am i miserable? what did i even do with my life in these three years? i was not smart or healthy or socially thriving or in love. 

it was like a fever dream. like chasing something that i could never reach. always running towards something. every day was the same, always in a hurry, always on the train, or in a miserable classroom which was nowhere near like those you see in movies. it was like i always waited for this dream to be over so i could go back to high school again. i was legit homesick in the first month. like i didn't belong.

like i still don't belong.

you know where i belong? england. london and edinburgh. my heart literally aches when i see video about them.

it sucks to be poor.

but hey, here's to two more years in the master's program!

i dont chase (oh hey, i listen to chase atlantic just now, wow), i attract !!!! i don't chase, i attract, i don't chase, i attract, i don't chase, i attract !!!! (manifestation works, trust me....)

(((((you know, i want to state that i'm not like one of those writers who wants to seek attention from writing out their experiences about their whole week or something. i don't write this because i want you to pity me. it's actually good that i can gather my thoughts here – because hardly anyone is reading this book anyway. and it can be good to talk about our own experiences. i like to be open about mental health issues , here or on social media, because i want to destigmatize this issue.)))))

august of 2021