sometimes i wonder if i'm a good person. i'm not always kind even though i try to be. and i feel extremely guilty that i can't be a pure, generous and kind person because that's all i want to be.

sometimes i wonder if i will ever be a normal person with a normal, calm brain.

sometimes i wonder that maybe life would be easier if i would be religious and believe that god has a purpose for me. a purpose and goal with all of this.

sometimes i wonder what it's like to live inside a brain that's not working all the freaking time of the day. a brain that finally gives me a break. a brain that just won't think about every single freaking possible situation and scenerio to every single possible action for an upcoming day. where i don't have to plan all of my moves to the next day like a checklist because that's the only way i can walk out of the door.

sometimes i wonder if some things happened differently in my life, what would have changed.

sometimes i wonder why i keep measuring myself to other people and be content with what i have.

sometimes i wonder why i have to be this full of greed.

sometimes i wonder why i couldn't crush over a more emotionally available guy for more than 3 years. why couldn't i fall in love with some handsome guy of the class, that would be so much easier to just gush over.

sometimes i wonder what would happen if i would be physically able to go to parties. if i wouldn't feel nauseous every time i think about a club or terrace where can be drunk crowds that just suffocate me. if i wouldn't feel utter disappointment when i see (or saw, bc this was in high school) my loved classmates drunk and completely crushed. i couldn't look at them the same way. even if that makes me judgy or shaming.

sometimes i wonder why i'm triggered and get tired by the people i love most in this universe.

sometimes i wonder that i should destroy myself more physically, mentally and soul-ly and then maybe i would have better grade at uni.

sometimes i wonder why didn't i pushed harder in history and go get a law degree. why didn't i make myself better in math or IT and study those stuff at university so i will have a better paying job.

sometimes i wonder that i won't even surprise anyone that i will be a disappointment. i was the one who always thought i was someone special. but i'm not. so i probably won't move out of this shithole country and get a better job so i won't provide a better future for my parents.

sometimes i wonder that maybe i was the problem all along. i never fit in any community. not in elementary, not in high school. for a while, i thought i did, i thought i have friends and they love me. but how can a class love a nerd, teacher's pet, bossy nosy know-it-all? i never fit in and i thought that this was their fault. maybe i was. maybe i am.

sometimes i wonder why i even care. i don't even meet any of them

sometimes i wonder why i want to meet them even if i know that they laugh at me behind me back because i think that we are great friends.

sometimes i wonder why should i fight so damn hard for every single thing in life. for acceptance, for mental health, for not being fat, for not being too nosy, for being successfull, for getting accepted to summer school in norway.

because i can't. i can't.

i'm too weak and too lazy.

and i think i'm so damn smart but thr truth is i am not.

i can't fight and i can't get up after every single K. O.   if the universe is a sucker for tormenting me.

you know, i always think that this is the universes way of telling me something. that everything happens for a reason . a better cause.

yeah, i really do try to believe in that.

i'm just afraid that i'm too alone and too hurt to succed in anything.

sometimes i wonder what caused me my anxiety disorder.

sometimes .... every single day , i hate myself for being overweight. but i don't hate myself enough to actually start losing weight.

maybe i haven't hit rock bottom yet and i can hate myself even more than i already did.

okay so, i have to note a little something here at the end.

i'm mostly fine now. of course it's hard, especially in these days, and with exams coming up. these are just... thoughts.

it doesn't mean that i'm not happy with my life. i mostly am. because i have amazing parents (most of the time) and have the best friends who are by my side every second of the day.

it's okay.

mostly.