it looks like you won't stop hearing about my non-existing love life. well, who does not know how to live it, they write about it. (and i think the snippets i've wrote about him are the best pieces of my whole life --- it looks like it really is easier to write about the truth, what we already experienced, one way or another)

this is the first little snippet i've ever written about him, 2 or almost 3 years ago, when we were 16. this kinda when i recognized and acknowledged my feelings.

so here is the third part of my non-existing, over-dramatized love life, which is the beginning of the story.

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almost everything is about love these days. really everything.

but you don't realise how much it means til it smackes you down with a sledge-hammer or a snow-shovel.

because when you just hear about your friends who are so and so madly in love (it does not matter that they are just a crush, living person or a celebrity, teenage girls are always madly in love), you are just happy for their happiness and you continue to type on your phone. like nothing really happened.

it does not affect you til you experience it yourself.

you can't start like "all right, i'm gonna sit right here and wait to be in love". not at all.

you live your life, everything is normal and fine. then it's just hits right to the front. it evolves. it waits when it can smack you with that snow-shovel. when you found out that something is not normal.

or... when the people around you start to notice that you are different somehow. yeah, they notice far sooner.

you continue to deny it. then it just eats its way right down your brain. knowingly or unknowingly, you start to look for the signs. any sign.

your friends starts to hint and to refer it. and then... you do too. after this, you can't really fool yourself.

you don't remember every single thing that he said to you. because he said those when he was just a guy, one in many, you never really listen.

in the beginning, all you did was this: you looked up from your book (what he loved to tease you with), you looked into his eyes and said hello.

he said hello to then you go to sit on his seat. then, this changed. he didn't sit on his seat. no. he pulled a chair next to you, and started to talk about those things what only you should hear.

some time later, it was not a suprise to your friends that he sits there.

it was the suprise when he didn't. not anymore.

when he didn't talk to you every morning. when he didn't texted to you sunday evening to send him the homework. you he didn't tease your favourite book.

when he stopped teasing you.

and it starts to miss.

but...

you know him. and you know that you don't have a chance for anything. he is an ass with everyone and anyway, he is just a narcissistic, bloody fool.

then... they confront you that he is completely different with you, than with anyone else. you don't see this. yet.

then... you notice it too. 

when the class is talking together, for example in a circle, you keep the eye contact for the whole time. but then, when your name and another boys name is together in one sentence, he looks down to the ground. when you have to work in mixed groups and he walks by your side automatically. 

once, he said that you don't even expect flower from him, never ever. but when on one graduation (not ours, we were younger then) he gives you one droppy, slack little something, what once was a flower... you see that he has changed. 

love is not easy. 

expecially then when you love a person who you know perfectly. you know that he is not the prince charming, or a knight in shining armour. you will never hear from him that you are pretty, he will never compliment you, just tease. 

but you will see everything in his eyes. 

he will never leave you, because he knows that he can't get better than you. no-one knows as much as you. no-one accepts him as you, 

it's harder to love when you don't know what to do, you just... are. in a constant position. you are just standing in one place, not doing, not saying anything. 

but the feeling is there. 

and because of that... it worths it. 

ps: when i translated this little essay from hungarian to english, this song came up on my spotify playlist. one direction - perfect (you can hear it above). i was just listening to this lyrics when i was 16, and it fit so much i almost cried every time i heard that song. that's a sign i think, that it came up.

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addition:  i know a few things now that i didn't know then. maybe i know him and myself more then than. and no, i don't know him fully, i am not the only one who accepts him fully. and i'm not the one who understand him. i don't know anything about his childhood, or his little brother, or what happened when his parents divorced. what changed him to... this. 

you know, he actually read this. i was brave at the time and 11th grade, i was one of the editor of the school's newspaper and i put this on the valentine's day piece. he read it. i know he did. but we never talked about it. he didn't talked to me for a few days after that. there were a few days when we didn't talked for days. 

my point is: i don't think... i don't think he ever felt the same as i did. as i do. but... for me, it was something. i've learned from this.