am i losing myself?

maybe.

_________________

it all started on monday. i was watching reality tv with my parents (like all day, really, it's a daily program for us). and somehow we end up talking about me.

my mom said that she and my dad are talked about this before, that both of them noticed some changes in my behaviour. ever since university started (3 weeks ago), they think i changed.

they think i changed : like i wouldn't tell as much to them as before, like i would be embarrased by them and feel awkward with, like i wouldn't want to go out with them because i think that they are embarrassing, like i would more intelligent and simply more than them, because i go to university now.

none of these are true.

i have an extreme close bond with both of my parents. i talked with them about everything. literally. i tell them everything. we don't have any secrets and we spend a lot of time together, the three of us. i barely know a teenager whose relationship with their parents is as good as mine and my parents.

and - what really punched me in the gut - she said that maybe i am losing myself, like i would forget who i am, like that "sweet, smart, kind girl" would disappear.

i know who i am at my core.

i am a goofy, nerd, introvert bookworm. a living ravenclaw spirit.

but... i don't know.

sometimes i do feel like i would change. sometimes i feel like i don't care about school as much as i should. or that i am too loud, and too judgemental.

the whole conversation was just... a little bit of... life-changing? maybe not that much. but it was pretty painful.

i thought about these things a lot. this is way i was a little depressed this whole week.

and... my social anxiety stronged at the summer, worsened, growned. i barely left the house at the summer and when i did, i had massive anxiety.

of course i have to do things about my own now: like buying the train and subway season ticket, and go to class every day in the capital city, Budapest, a lot of times, alone. but it's still so so extremily hard for me to make a phone call, even if that's with a family member.

at the first week of the university, i started my first week as a intern at a web-magazine. i didn't like it as much as i thought i would. i didn't do it full-heartedly. and it gave so much anxiety. what to write, how to write, the collegues, news to search, no news. maybe it doesn't sound much... but it was overwhelming.

last week i was very sick, i had a fever and i was coughing like i have a massive disease (its like that all winter), and i wrote a message to the editor-in-chief that i can't go to work this week.

today, and yesterday afternoon... i pretty much crashed.

i am tired. physically? sure, the constant train ride makes that to the people. mentally? hell yeah, i am studying a brand new language at the university. emotionally? oohh yeah, because there are many-many weird people at the university, and i don't have much friends. yet, i hope so.

it just consumed me.

and this morning, when i had to go to the office at the web-magazine thingy, i missed my bus. i used the bus for 6 years straight! i never missed a bus! ever!

maybe it looks like over-dramatizing. but it's not. not really.

i had to think about... my mental health. that the university is the most important thing in my life right now, i have to focus on that, and i can't do that if i am that worried about that damn web-magazine. i have to rest, i have to focus.

i have to build myself up mentally. i have to try and be stronger than my anxiety. i have to find myself. i have to be me. and i have to do what's best for me.

so yeah, i quit the job. and honestly, it was not an actual job, i did not sign anything, they did not pay for me, and it was just... it gave me chills. not the good way.

and i am relieved right now.

so i can focus on the university, on studying. i should. And i have to build myself up.

i have to find my way back to myself. back to my path. of being a good person. of being kind and caring and compassionate. find some friends, find a balance, find some strenght.

it all could sound like i am a wreck, i am weak, and i am over-dramatizing everything. i probably am.

i am a weak, coward person. i am not strong. you may say i gave up too soon. i know i am. i just don't have the strenght right now to hold on.

i had to do what's good for me. my health. my mind.

around october-november 2018