August of 2021

you know the feeling when you began spiriling in anxiety at night so you can barely fall asleep, you sleep like shit, and then your next day is filled with depression? no? i envy you.

ever since september, when my last university year started, i re-started my visitations to my psychologist that i started before covid happened.

it started with an appointment every two weeks, then it became a monthly thing. and it still is.

this year was really really hard so i was grateful that i could continue my visits to the psychologist. it's truly a privilege that my family can afford my appoinments.

it's so weird that i remembered that i have this book by a comment. and i realized that it can be a great way for me to gather my thoughts about... Everything that happened during this year.

a lot of firsts also happened this year. my first monthly-paymented scholarship from my academic results. i've got my driver's license in december. i finished my thesis in time. and these were the... easy stuff. i went to a date for the first time in my life (it was... not good, but he was nice...). 

you know the feeling when you sob so much at an anxiety scene in the book you read (real fantastic book btw), listening to that song that you usually only listen to when you are in a depressive period, that your earbuds begin humming? no? i envy you.

"can you love, can you love
can you love the version of me
i don't let, i don't let
i don't let anybody else see?
when I choke, when i choke
when i choke, would you try and help me breathe?
can you love, can you love
can you love the version of me

that isn't happy all the time?
i get outta my head, get outta my mind
can't get outta bed sometimes
and when I look at myself as if I might cry...."

i think i might be a walking red flag. they can figure out from a sentence in tinder that i'm overly insecure and unsure. it's not charming or loveable. i try to be... not much. sometimes the conversation is not even long enough for them to figure out how insecure am i.

i don't believe when someone tells me i'm pretty or their type (this doesn't really happen but still). when you do not see yourself as something loveable or pretty... it's the hardest thing to be confident. im so far from confident.

you know, i think i figured something out about myself. i think i'm good at making acquaintances. i either get too attached in a matter of days or completely not interested. like at all.

when you regularly start talking to someone, and you are talking day by day (in the hardest period of your life), you get attached.

i think i have some kind of trust issues. maybe from the fact that my friends changed so much and i dont think i've had a steady person in my life for more than two years. no long time best friend who knows everything about me, no lifelong friend from high school.

i feel the luckiest person alive that i have friendgroup for years now that i can depend on. they are my kind of people. and it's the hardest thing in the world that i only see them once a year if we can get lucky. like the universe is fucking with us. yeah, you can meet your soulmates but no, they are not near you.

i have only two friends here, at home, who are relatively close to me. but they... they have other friends too. friendgroups even. from high school.

it's the worst feeling in the world when you are trying and trying to schedule a little meeting but they can't, or they don't even try to or just come to meet you half-heartedly. you try and you try to invite them to your house. but... it feels like when you are bumping back from a glass wall.

i think i am the same when im talking to someone on tinder.

((((don't even ask why am i on tinder. i dont go partying, i dont have friends, even i have to find someone somewhere. yeah, even i would prefare if that somewhere would be a meet-cute in real life. and i dont even meet people on tinder either so...)))

internet has this thing when you are being a little less... worried i guess. like... you know that you won't meet them, because you are nowhere near that interested. it's just flirting.

but when you switch from tinder to whatsapp and you talk more and more... well, it's different. it can get different.

you know that feeling when you  re-do your snapchat profile for a tinder match you've been talking to for a month (and then he pretty much ghost you... but americans, i guess, shame on me), & now it's (the app, i mean) only staring at you with a smug look because you only have three contacts... and you even had more contacts in high school.... and you didn't even use it regularly. and now it's too embarassing to add your old contacts because you dont meet them?? no? i envy you.

snapchat is a fucking tragedy when you have anxiety.

it turns out that it's pretty easy for someone to ghost someone they've been calling "babes" from a minute to another. oh well...

too late. i became a little attached.

it was nice to have someone who seems like genuinely interested in you. i mean yeah, i didn't had that... in a long time.

and well... i think im too naive or too stubborn to accept when someone is ghosting me. i just try and try like an idiot. yeah, i dont have dignity. i dont take a hint when someone is over me. especially if that "being over" thing happened from one minute to another. like literally.

let's be honest, when he was still in the country, i was busy doing my closing exams and getting my diploma. and ... we didn't meet even after i was finished with everything. but we talked about continuing to talk when he goes back home. yeah, i was naive to think this will actually happen.

i am naive. whatever.

you know that feeling when you dreamt, for the second time this week, that he texted you back... which he didn't for two weeks now.... so you're actually dumb to still wish he would.... and you dont even need him to text back... and you try to convince yourself  not to get too attached? no? i envy you.

fucking dreams.

yeah, i'm a problematic person to talk to. i really talk about... being insecure about going to the hair salon i've never been before, alone, because i would need to talk. or being stressed about my exams. (yeah, i dont talk about the easy stuff after two weeks...)

you know the feeling when you open up about your worries and all you get as an answer is : haha, you're fine ??? no? i envy you.

i get it, people without anxiety can't even imagine what it's like to be inside a brain like mine. i can't explain it to my parents either, even though i tried. it's like my brain is always working, never stops, like this train that circles the globe endlessly. no break. i havent figured out how to break this cycle, the anxiety spiraling.

but when someone just... thinks that whatever your worries are, are... not valid, is just... plain cruel. even if you explain, the only answer you got it is : stop being stressed, calm down, you are fine.

i. am. not. fine.

i'm so fucking far from fine. i don't even know the last time my brain was on break...

you know that feeling when you don't know who you are without anxiety? no? i envy you.

i think a part of me is afraid what will happen if i can win against me anxiety disorder and just... be. like a normal person. the thing is, i don't know what a normal brain feels like. without the fidgeting, the nail biting, the head scratching, the shortness of breaths that i don't even realize anymore. there are so many people who will never experience what i went through just this week. the lowest of low. i can get into a spiral about the smallest thing. it's... unreal.

how does this thing even exist?

who i am without anxiety?

without anxiety, i will not have an excuse anymore when i don't succeed on an exam or when i'm too tired or moody or when i can't go into the supermarket or when i can't buy my own things because that would require communication or when i don't find a job even if everybody wants me to work or when i can't make friends or when i can't find a boyfriend.

you know kyra, she is just shy.

don't limit your kid too much because, look at kyra, she is too guarded, full of inhibition and complexes.

you were clumsy since you were born, you were shaking when you were a baby, your motor coordination is crap, we know it... but at least you are smart and you will have a nice future.

where is it, huh? where is my bright future? i wrecked myself over this brighter future. so where is it? this is it, universe, this is what i get after destroying myself over and over again?

i'm the weirdo. "the late bloomer".

no wonder no one wants me.

my deadly sin is envy. it has been for a long time.

i envy my dearest cousin because she got the confidence, the bright soul that attracts people, the job, occasionally a boyfriend too, steady social life.

i envy my friends because they have other friends. because they go out for a coffee or to just hang out. because they don't obsess over insignifact things like i do.

i envy every one of you who can walk out the street alone without fidgeting or walk too fast because she just wanna disappear as soon as possible. who can go to the gym alone, who can start to run on the streets alone, who even goes out to their own garden alone.

i envy my ex-classmates for having each other still, for having reunions and relationships and diplomas and jobs and apartments and vacations and whatever else they have.

maybe i just have to accept that this is it. this is me. this is my life. for now. forever. maybe i'm not destined for better, for more. maybe this is it.

someone has to be the weird one.

at least i stand out in a way.

"all your friends are so cool, you go out every night
in your daddy's nice car, yeah, you're livin' the life
got a pretty face, pretty boyfriend, too
i wanna be you so bad, and i don't even know you

all i see is what i should be
happier, prettier, jealousy, jealousy
all I see is what i should be
i'm losin' it, all i get's, jealousy, jealousy

co-comparison is killin' me slowly
i think, i think too much
'bout kids who don't know me
and I'm so sick of myself
i'd rather be, rather be (oh, oh)
anyone, anyone else (anybody else)...."