everybody needs a first love.

and a what if.

i think he was - or still is, because for a little while, he's still in my life - that for me.

i'd like to believe that i meant something for him too. that the long messenger talks, and all the bickering in school, that fake wedding with haribo rings for a day, that tiny little compliments, like "i know you're smart".

maybe not.

maybe i was just a friend, or classmate, who he talked to. who sent him the homework, and told him all the school infos.

today... when i studied with him, after we checked our senior year final's scores (in hungary, there is a whole procedure, i will write about that later)... i mean really studied, like we used to before all the literature class...

i decided it's time to let go. i've decided that a few times before. he always done something that brought me back under his charm. like when i was his partner at the cotillion/prom, when i danced waltz with him, when he talked to me through facebook on my bus ride to the other side of the country, constantly for 1 and a half hour.

but this time... we graduated a month ago. we only have our oral exams left, and our class banquette. and then... he will be another friends contact on facebook. i'm only gonna see him on that class photo picture that i keep on my closet.

i won't be meeting him every day. i won't be locking eyes with him every class. i won't be stand too close to him every time, what didn't even catch our attention.

he will forget about me.

we've only parted ways 7 hours ago, but maybe he already did.

that's life, i guess.

i've never felt like this before him. i don't even know if this is actually love. maybe i just over-romantize it, like i always do.

i've read this somewhere: the first love will be the one who you compare every other guys to.

i know he will be that guy for me.

may of 2018