i worked about moving on. i actually believed that it's the best. for me. for my health. for my life. for my future.

for my heart.

i really started to close this chapter. my chapter about him. that chapter lasted three years. i don't think he knows about it. but i know that all of our class knows. (i mean, ex-class, because we left high school)

i thought that this is it. this is the end. i finally letting him go.

first, he wrote to me the night when our college acceptances came. he asked that i got in or not. i did. and he did too. of course he did, he is too smart for that.

then... september came. at the finale week before university, my curiosity won. and i wrote to him. he answered. he already moved to budapest, where we are now studying, with three other guys from our high school class.

and we talked. like old times.

we wrote each other long letters via messenger, like on war movies. because he was at the university orientation days, he answered at the middle of the night, and i wrote to him daytime.

it was nice.

but... i knew... i know that i shouldn't do this. not with him, not again. i am breaking my own heart because he is incapable of human feelings and emotions.

today, he wrote to me a little message. which was odd, because usually, i am the one who writes to him first.

he congratulated me of my first article of journalism internship. (that article is pure crap, really.)

i haven't answered him.

not yet.

yesterday, i talked to one of my best friends from high school, who moved to the other side of the country after graduation, but she knows about the whole situation. (it wasn't our original topic, but of course, it came up)

she told me somethings that i knew already.

she said: "look, you will never close it, not really. this is thing about first loves. but someone else will came, who will be normal, and you will love each other so much. but HE will stay. forever. there will be someone. someone new. who is nice and handsome. he will be amazing "

but her last words hit me. that the new guys name won't ever be HIS.

it just won't.

i had this ideas about my first love. that it will last forever. in some way, it really will.

i wasn't even in a relationship, not with him, not with anyone else. sometimes i imagined that he will be the first. my first kiss. my first relationship.

but he won't.

he just... he will always be my first love.

however you try to move on from the first... you never really can.

"you can never describe love, never explain it... you just gotta feel it, experience it."

was it love? actual love?

i don't know.

maybe i will never know.

you know, guys, i believe in fate and destiny. i believe that every single thing that happens to us in life, has a reason. i believe in parallel universe. i believe in the afterlife.

and you know what? maybe, in another reality, where i am different or he is different, we are together. maybe forever, maybe for a year, maybe for a week. and maybe in another reality, because of some decision, we don't even met.

but in this reality... he will always be a part of my life. a part of my teenage years. a big part. he changed me.

i'd like to believe that i changed him too.

at least it didn't end in tears.

around september 2018