The Right Side of Wrong By trenchantly trenchantly

FOLLOW-UP REVIEW

Chapter One (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction (Genre)
Fixtures (Themes)
Third Person Limited (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)

---------------- 12.22.2020 -----------

It's amazing what you've accomplished in just one day. I guess you'd already had the new version at the ready and posted it. It did a wonder of good. The plot is a bit clearer (still needs some tweaking) and the pacing is great. The characters are still vivid.

Right now, my only concern is the foreshadowing. This ties into Chekhov's gun. Things mentioned, even in passing, (especially at length) are for foreshadowing purposes. They are presented casually but are there for a callback at a later time. (For example, maybe a white Christmas DOES come, causing trouble for them, since Andie mentioned it in the first chapter: foreshadowing)

The core of your story is going to be based on their reactions and reasons for doing things.

Some unintended consequences may have arisen due to the changes though. Now the parents seem neglectful if not downright careless. The MC seems a bit careless, too.

The fix would be to make the motivations or actions a bit clearer.

Here my suggested actions:
1. don't tell the parents someone is in the church
2. use the narration to let us know the church info (much like you have now)
3. after she sees the man, she let's the church thing slip then hurries to get her parents off the phone and assure them
4. try to go to sleep
5. sleep won't come
6. decides to go check it out

Motivations that need clarifying:
1. why isn't she with her parents?
2. why doesn't she tell them about the man?
3. why does she decide to investigate?

You are free to choose any motivations you want. I will list a few suggestions here. These are very loose and of course, I know you will select your own. For now, use these as examples.

Possible motives why not with parents(suggestions):
1. not with parents because things are 'tense' in the marriage and maybe rocky so the MC wants to give them time to rekindle with one another
2. in the mean time, the MC will be gone next year and wants to slowly get used to being alone
3. the father is too worrisome and MC wants slow independence (of course, original plan was to be with BFF who bailed so this is doable)

Possible motives for not telling parents about the man (suggestions):
1. father wouldn't enjoy himself and may turn this vacation around
2. she thinks it's nothing to worry about; this is a safe town (always has been)
3. wants get used to being alone. At college, can't panic at everything.

Possible motivates investigating the church (suggestion):
1. can't sleep with the thought that she didn't alert the cops about something going on
2. can't sleep with the idea of a burglar coming into her home as she slept, despite the many alarms and security (she was turning into her father)
3. despite convincing herself that it's fine, nothing adds up and it's the 'cop daughter' in her that bugs her enough to go check it out, armed with her phone (maybe a flashlight or a bat)
4. doesn't want to call the cops for nothing (the parents would see she's a kid and come back, ruining their vacation), BUT also can't risk not saying something if it's truly a burglar. Burglars were thieves, usually, not killers (maybe have Mom mutter this as Dad goes off), so worst case, she wouldn't need a weapon, right? (she asks herself this, thus building the tension).

Regardless, even as is, I think it reads MUCH better than before. And it's got a great cliff-hanger ending with a good curious hook.

Good luck with it.

........................................................................

ORIGINAL REVIEW

Chapter One (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction (Genre)
Fixtures (Themes)
Third Person Limited (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 12.21.2020 -----------

I'm going to be gentle with you, and not because you can't take it, but because I can see what you were trying to do.

Your talent at writing isn't an issue, and I'm sure (at least I hope) you know that. Even though this is the only work you have posted on your page, and it was only one chapter, I am more than certain that you've had experience writing before. If you haven't, then I bow to your abilities.

But we've entered into Forest for the Trees territory.

I will state it plainly so that you do not misunderstand this review,

You can write.

You're a writer. You've more than got what it takes to pull off whatever you attempt.

Now, let's slit your body of work open and examine it.

Your chapter starts strong. VERY strong. In fact, I was expecting something epic to transpire at school or at home. I mean, she's just had her expectations dashed.

Nothing happened.

All right. She gets home. This is a huge deal because her family is going on vacation without her. Time for the gloves to come off and for some harsh truths and maybe some drama.

No.

None there either.

Oh-kay. She's alone, and the house is all to her. Time for a fire to start, a metorshower with an alien, a ghost, something.

Nah.

All right.

She's calling her friends and they are talking as they drive. This is it. They are going to tip and she's going to witness their demise and blame herself for it all.

Hmmm... No? FINE.

Oh! Someone's on the roof. Someone's on the roof!

Let's do this (straps in).

She goes to sleep.

Say what now?

I recounted all this to give you a general idea of how it feels to read a first chapter. Many times people see it as a TV episode, or a build up.

That's okay, but since we don't get the visual stimuli from a TV screen which is much faster (we can even fast-forward and still follow the story), we have to choose our scene's carefully.

What is her problem?

What is her chosen solution?

What's in her way?

Every story has a conflict or problem. Even Winnie The Pooh couldn't reach that 'hunny.' Even he had SEVERAL solutions, and even he had something in his way (those darn bees).

A build up is not necessary, not one this long.

Also, I marked certain places as 'info.' This is information that should have been weaved into your narrative.

For example instead of saying "Trevor is heavy" try:

Trevor lunged his bulbous body at Jeff's sickly frame.

It also should have come sooner. Once a character shows up, try to give us their description as soon as possible (if that's important to you).

As you are obviously experienced in writing, I hesitate to give my thoughts on how to fix the chapter. I also hesitate because I'm not sure if you've finished the book. I'm against editing before a story has ended. Editing while you write might limit you and/or throw you into writer's block should you get into a corner you can't get out of.

But here goes.

- The intro already is great. So keep with one theme (things not going as they should). I've got a feeling we're going to need that Spanish class info.
- You can skip or keep the friend thing. Personally, I didn't see what she added to the story but maybe that would come later on.
- Her parents should already be gone. The interactions with them did not add anything. Now that the theme is 'things not going according to plan, I suggest the phone call from HER end, inviting Andie over to hang out. Andie guiltily shows Cara and admits they are going away for the holidays. "But you said you wouldn't," Samara insisted. "The three amigas, right?" "Sorry, hon."
- Another thing going belly up, and Samara spots the guy on the roof.
- Mentions it to her friend and Andie freaks out. No worries, Samara assures her, she's got her mother's spare gun. Good having a cop in the house (her mother's profession is now established).
- Or, she decides to call the coppers but first wants to make sure she's not jumping the gun. She hangs up with Andie and heads outside (unarmed) to investigate.
- Chapter ends.

In this example, the conflict (or problem) would be 'being left behind' or 'spending xmas alone' or 'things not working out as she wanted.'

As is, the current first chapter lacks suspense and lacks a clear plot and conflict. All the spots marked 'moments' were the moments I would have stopped. If the blurb was good enough, I might have stuck around for the next moment but the final moment would have been where I'd given up.

Once again, your talent is obvious. The story has potential. The characters are full and vibrant. But how without a clear idea of a problem or conflict, we are just recounting someone's everyday life.

Prologue?
None present.

Does this need an edit?
No. There are some dialogue tag issues but for the most part, the punctuation is solid. The plot needs to be established.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC

...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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