The night was still young, but we were going home. It felt strange, but it was okay for today. I couldn't think of much, vaguely knowing I was supposed to play music at the bar tonight. But, being assured inside that it would be taken care of. It was okay to be sick. It had happened before. We were well prepared for this, because the pandemic had come and gone.

Tata had taken care of me on the train. Holding me at the station in case I felt weak. Not caring if others were looking. Taking my hand and leading me onto the train. Making sure I got a seat as he stood in front of me holding on. Getting us off the train at the right stop. Taking me home. 

There was slight chaos when I entered through the doorway. Cat food on the floor, and an unwelcome discovery in the hallway. One of the cats had vomited up some of their food, probably from eating too much. I immediately squatted down to start cleaning up the spilled food in the kitchen, but Tata gripped my shoulder gently. He led me again, this time to the bedroom. We tiptoed around the cat sick in the hallway as we did. 

Strangely, even that mess in the hallway was a comfort of home. Our home. I could already guess that it must be Lupin who'd done it. It seemed like something he'd do, over indulging, having no self control. Though, Flowercoat was no stranger to gorging herself, too. This was just all so comforting to think about. 

Tata helped me undress even though I didn't need him to. He got some of my pajamas out and handed them to me piece by piece as I dressed myself slowly. He took the bedcovers away and helped me into bed, then tucked me in so softly. 

As I laid in bed, I thought about today. Hearing him shuffling around our home now, cleaning. He talked to the cats gently, asking which one of them had been sick. He always talked to the cats like that, and it just filled me with such love to hear his kind voice. 

He'd been mad at me earlier. It wasn't forgotten, but it was calm now. I still wanted to know what had been on his mind when he'd yelled at me. I was still jarred. I knew I'd done something terrible, but I wanted to know what would make him yell at me like that. I'd listened to his words when he was yelling, but I wanted to know more. I wanted to know how to prevent it in the future. I never wanted to fight with him like that again. It just wasn't us. I knew there was a good reason. 

After a while, there was a knock at the front door. It made my tired eyes pop open. He said hello to someone and then a thank you. The door closed again. There was more shuffling, this time a bag noise accompanying it. The noises were coming closer to me, and something inside made me want to surprise him. I closed my eyes. 

He came into the room, the door squeaking on its hinges. Just another comforting sound of home. Really, the hospital had made me miss it all so much, even after only being in there since late this morning. But, I knew deep inside, I missed this all the more because it hadn't felt like home since Tata had yelled at me. It had upended what we knew as our home life. 

I needed to get to the bottom of it. It wouldn't rest until I did. I was sure of it.

"Daaarling," Tata called to me from the doorway quietly. No doubt, he thought I was sleeping. The paper bag noises started up, a ripping sound, coming closer. His footsteps were softened by the carpet. Gently, the bed depressed on the other side of me. My body moved this way and that ever so slightly as he adjusted himself on the bed. No doubt, he was sitting on the bed. He let out little "hmm hm" giggles. "I know you're awake. You're smiling. I have food. You can eat it."

His words sounded jolly, but there was a nervousness there in his voice. A cautiousness. It had been there ever since he'd first seen me at the hospital. He'd broken down at the hospital, crying and saying he was sorry. His true feelings. He'd suffered enough. But, he was still nervous. It just told me all the more that this was still unresolved. I needed to resolve it. 

My eyes opened and he was smiling down at me. He had a brown paper bag that was definitely from UberEats. From which of our favorite restaurants? I was so curious. His hands were immediately on my shoulders, helping me sit up even though I didn't feel weak anymore. We weren't okay, but he still loved me like this. It made my breathing skip a beat. How much I loved him. 

Noisily, he brought out two food containers from the bag. It could only mean one thing. I'd wanted to get him some steak, because it was his favorite. He'd been crying, and I hadn't known what to do. I'd seen him cry like that before, and food did usually make it a little better. I'd been out of options, so I'd tried that. But, with these familiar containers, I could see it was my favorite instead. 

With this, I knew he was trying so hard. He placed the container on my lap, opening it up and revealing Chinese food from the hole in the wall place a few blocks away. Mine was slippery noodles and beef, and his would absolutely be some kind of sweet chicken and rice. His fingers hurriedly opened his own, and I saw that I was right. His chicken was glistening with sweet orange sauce. It only warmed my heart, though. He'd be eating something he liked, at least. This was all comfort food.

We ate together in silence, which was again unusual. It only told me more that I had to say something, especially before this got too drawn out. It had already gone on for far too long. I missed him terribly, even though he was right here. I missed him with an aching heart, even though he was being so kind and loving. 

"Tata," I said, still some noodles in my mouth. I couldn't help it. I had to say these things right now. 

"Hmm?" He had his own mouthful of rice. I turned my face to him, and he smiled at me. He looked cute with his mouth full. We both chewed and swallowed, taking this time. Feeling comfortable with him in the silence. 

My hand slipped onto his thigh and rubbed it, and he seemed to deflate. He'd definitely been feeling tense. It only made me want to give him a shoulder massage, as I did sometimes when he was too stressed about work. Just another memory warming my heart. His hand met mine, his fingers going between mine. I gripped them, and we held hands together like this. I breathed out, feeling my own tension release. 

"Tata... I just wanted to say that I didn't mean to hurt you when I deleted those videos."

He was immediately shaking his head. His brows were slightly creased, and I'm sure they'd be completely in sorrow if he hadn't received his Botox there about a month ago. The Botox that he claimed he never did, and that I always poked fun at him for, which usually caused him to laugh. I missed that smile he had, one where he was so happy that he didn't know which way was up. An expression that was all the more funny to me, because he couldn't move about a third of his face when he did it. 

This memory made me smile a little bit, which made his slight brow crease go away. He smiled at me a tiny bit, maybe unsure. I didn't want him to have to feel that way. 

"I know you didn't mean to hurt me," he said, quieter than usual. He shook his head, gripping my hand more. "I know I was wrong. I was just shocked, in the moment. I wasn't angry. I was... I wasn't angry at you. I was worried, because I wanted to see those videos. It's the only place I could see you when you were younger. I wanted to know what you were like before I met you."

Oh, Tata...

Before I could speak, he went on. Shaking his head again. "I was wrong to yell at you. So wrong. I didn't mean to do that. Please know I didn't mean to do that. I never want to hurt you-"

"No, no." My voice was almost a whisper, hearing his sincerity in my bones. Feeling his warm hand in mine, loving him from his touch to his voice and everything in between. "You were shocked. I understand that."

He nodded so many times. That's exactly what it had been. I had to admit I felt some relief. So, he hadn't been mad at me this whole time. It made me breathe easier. 

I went on and he was quiet, observing me with quickly searching eyes. "I just want you to know... I um, deleted those videos, because I thought it would benefit the bar. I want to feature more of the artists who visit. I was thinking about Heizou and how I think the channel would be good to promote him. I'm popular, but I noticed the channel has become more popular since it became more drag based. People really like those videos. I was thinking it was kind of like Blue Note for drag-"

He gasped a little at this. He knew exactly what I was talking about with that phrase, and him recognizing what I was referring to just reinforced how much I love him. 

I nodded. "That's what my channel started looking like to me. That's what I want it to be. Featuring so many drag, onnagata, and feminine spectrum performers. It's so important. I'll play piano for everyone. We can use my channel for good. I never thought it would become that, and I'm so excited to see it develop. I want to see where it will go. So, I deleted the videos of me wearing male clothes, because I wanted to make the channel be all about promoting performers like us and our friends. I think we can use it for good-"

His container fell onto the bed, the chicken precariously close to falling out onto the bedspread. His warmth surrounded me, just like the kind in my heart but now all over my body. His embrace. My arms went around him, too, holding him so tightly. Hugging him and needing him, just as he needed me in this moment. 

His soft sniffles were my world. I rubbed his back with some strength, trying to soothe him. How sorry he was, but now he understood. And, I understood him, too. I felt sorry that I'd deleted those videos without saving them. I hadn't been thinking about that, because those videos were familiar to me. I wanted to make it up to him somehow for deleting them. 

"I'm sorry I deleted those videos," I whispered into his ear. "I'll never get them back. I don't know how to make it up to you for deleting them."

He was kissing my ear, and my eyes closed, feeling his delicate lips. I breathed out a long breath, loving these movements, his gentle touch. 

"There's nothing to make up for," he whispered back. "What you've done with your channel is everything to me. Everything... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

I parted from him, my hands cupping his face. That brow crease was back. I wanted to smooth it away. 

"Don't say sorry," I said, smiling to him even though I knew my face looked troubled, too. Trying to soothe him more anyway. I got my reward, which was his smile back. His precious smile in my hands. 

"Don't say sorry, either," he said, but his face unfortunately crumpled and oh, his pain. Sniffling at me. Trying not to cry. 

I drew his face in slowly and closed my eyes. His lips met mine, and as he sniffled just like before in the hospital, I kissed him with all of my love. In this strange middle place between apologizing and loving him, but maybe it was all the same thing. As he kissed me, I knew he felt the same and that was enough. Forgiving each other for whatever it was and anything at all. Just loving him, getting my message across that despite any conflict, I loved him with all of myself, inside and out. 

In that way, it was healing. In that way, it's all that we'd needed.