"I forgot who I was before the (space) suit,
before gravity was ripped from my vocabulary
and I mastered the art of drifting"

Way out by Casey Renee Kiser

"Eh, I wouldn't say that," Malach announced as he entered the room. "Your body should recover in another two to three days and these are special stitches that should melt when they are no longer needed... which means, you cannot seek a normal doctor, so avoid opening the stitches."

"Aww, Malach, but you had so much fun stitching her up." Hugo joked, slapping Malach on the back. He frowned.

"That gave me the opportunity to heal people again. It feels like forever since the last..." He stopped, shaking his head before sighing. "That said, don't take any chances. Tanya helped me a lot, and I'm not confident in my rusty abilities to do something much more complicated than changing your bandage and making sure your wound isn't infected."

I made a face.

"Does this mean that I can get infections?"

"Ah, you aren't immune to any kind of disease. They just won't kill you." With a shrug, Malach turned to speak to Natalia while I absorbed his words.

Dash nudged me on the leg and then smiled.

"Your parents are missing you. The story is that you were studying abroad, only Jace, Ingreth and I know the truth. Well, Aunt Savannah, too, and I think I need to warn you, she's cooking. Cookies. I'm sure she will deliver them later today and I have to say that I'm sorry."

I made a face.

"But I like cookies."

"You won't like these." He said, nodding almost as if to himself. "Sorry."

Jace snorted.

"His aunt is a nightmare in the kitchen. A disaster." He explained and then shrugged. "But she is so cool, that even after you realize it you still end up drinking her coffee, even though it tastes like it was burnt because she probably managed to burn it, only God knows how."

"She also said she wants you to come over for lunch or something. I think Aunt Savannah wants to make sure you're ok, you know?" Dash added, poking my cheek. "But it won't be today, your parents are still sad. Joanne, as you know well."

I nodded, understanding. I also wanted to be with them all - it was like I was suddenly dying to experience all the little things I hadn' t yet with all of them. I wanted the fights I never had, the laughter, the fun...

I wanted the memories.

My eyes were drawn to Tanya, and she gave me a sad smile. She understood me, maybe even better than I could understand myself now.

I would never die, but the same could not be said about Ingy, Dash and Jace, could it?
They were human and, over time, they would grow old. I wouldn't.

Ever.

*

Two weeks later

Hugo was annoying me.

I should be enjoying my free time with Ingreth, gossiping, laughing and admiring all the things she bought me for this occasion.

And I was.

But the fact that Hugo was sitting in a chair, throwing a small tennis ball up, watching it hit the ceiling and then catching it only to throw it again was slowly driving me to violence.

I felt bad that Malach felt that someone had to take care of me, and I felt even worse that Hugo said he would do it. It must be really annoying - even with all the grinning and winking he was doing whenever Ingreth asked me about cute angel boys.

Not that he wasn't cute, don't get me wrong, but there are limits to what I was going to say while he was watching. Obviously.

As if realizing that she wanted to change the subject, Ingreth stopped and looked at me.

"I mean. You died."

I blinked and turned to look at her.

"Yes, I did"

"Twice," Ingreth added, and for some reason, something in her tone caused tears to form in my eyes.

"Yes."

"Don't do it again," she murmured, hugging me gently and crying on my shoulder. "Or I swear to God I'm going to go around beating people up until I'm dead too. We are best friends, sisters of the heart: we must grow old together."

I shuddered inwardly as I remembered that I probably wouldn't age now, but that's okay. She didn't need to know that yet.

"I'm sorry, Ingy."

"I wanted to kill Joanne."She admitted, shaking her head. "I'm not proud of that, but I really wanted to. I mean, I know I always say that, but it was different this time. There is being angry and talking nonsense, and there is committing a crime. I considered committing a crime, Maisie." Ingreth shook her head and I sighed.

"I'm so sorry..."

"It's even worse now that she really died," Ingreth sighed. "I feel guilty every time I look at your parents. They are so sad, and I just can't feel sad. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad either, you know?"

"I feel guilty," I admitted, admiring the particularly complicated stunt Hugo was doing with the tennis ball now. "I couldn't save her..."

"We can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved," Ingreth shrugged, and sighed. "I understand you, May, but I feel relieved. Have you ever thought about you two sharing a house again? I would never be able to sleep again. "She paused for a long time and then sighed. –"Speaking of which, I'll start looking for places we can afford. If we get a job, we can move out soon... You know, just in case Joanne is still alive in the Mirror dimension and will come around sometime."

"Mirror dimension?"I blinked, confused,"And you don't think I'm a little young to leave my parents' house?"

"Maisie, you came back from the dead. I saw your body, I saw you buried, and yet here you are. Don't get me wrong, I'm super happy about it, but I don't think I'll ever believe that someone died in my life. Besides... Well, we don't have the money yet, do we? That's why I said I was going to start looking..." Ingreth's eyes glowed with mischief. "That said, when the time comes, you'll probably want to live with Dash, right?"

I felt my cheeks go red and I looked away.

To be honest, I didn't know how things were going with Dash now. He said he loved me and I have feelings for him, but having said that, I didn't know how we were going to keep going forward.

Not to mention, I am no longer human and that would certainly change things between us.
I wouldn't grow old. I wouldn't die. And he would do all those things...

I didn't know what that would mean for us.

So, I just smiled at Ingreth's lively banter and talked until late into the night. It was wonderful. But still...

It was so strange to go back to my old room, seeing my clothes and things exactly the way I had left them at what felt like a lifetime ago.

Although I had a memory of leaving things exactly that way, I also had a feeling that those things belonged to someone else. Another Maisie in another life, another reality, another version of me did it - a little Maisie who had no idea what was going to happen moving forward.

It felt like centuries had passed instead of a few months... And as much as I tried, there was a strange distance between me and the others - as if I were seeing things differently, as if past, present and future were happening at the same time.

While I missed the old Maisie, I enjoyed my life now more than I ever did. I appreciated the time spent with the people I loved as I never did because, while I now understood that they loved me too and their presence got a little sweeter, I was also aware that they would die in the future...

And I would remain here.

Could I still have some kind of contact with them? I don't know if it was allowed. As far as I understood, I only had contact with the souls that still had issues on Earth, whatever they were.

Tanya had never understood me differently, so how do I know?

So now, while I had that pleasant feeling in my chest that made me smile when I remembered the past, I also felt sad. It was as if a piece of me died slowly, every time I realized that I was no longer human.

I missed little Maisie running into this room as soon as she finished her homework and homework to read a beautiful book. I missed eating chocolates and other sugary treats as I immersed myself in another world.

I couldn't do it anymore - no, let's not be so radical. I could read. I still liked books. But I couldn't lose myself in the stories anymore - there was a part of me always questioning what was going on, if I was wasting time ... After all, books, books I would have for all eternity.

Books don't die.

Sugary treats were another nuisance. Since I was an Initiate now, I hoped I could eat sweets until they exploded - Immortal and everything, I was bound to have some advantages, right? Diabetes would no longer be a possibility, right? At least, that's what I thought.

But the sugar makes me sick.

Like, super sick... So sick, I could barely stand the smell. So, so nauseous, it's just not fair.
So many things were different and would never be the same again, it was difficult to accept. It was difficult to understand everything I lost, everything I gained...

I think, as strange as that sounds, I missed me.

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Hello everyone!
W

hat's up? Not much longer to go now :/

This story was soo challenging to write! Thank you for sticking with me so far.

I hope all of you are being careful and safe. In these trying times, we need to stick together (even while apart). If you need help, don't be afraid of telling someone!

Best wishes everyone!

Originally published: September, 12th 2020

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