"We are all the pieces of what we remember. We hold in ourselves the hopes and fears of those who love us. As long as there is love and memory, there is no true loss."

City of Heavenly Fire by Cassandra Clare

Curving her lips in an appreciative smile, the woman patted me on the shoulder. "Oh, look at this, our princess remembers me. I'm honored..."

"Don't sound so proud of yourself, Tanya," Hugo's voice sounded cheerful, almost as if he was laughing at her. "Maisie here almost became a dot in the fabric of the universe, but her memories are intact."

"Still, it has been a while since we last met, I enjoy thinking I'm such a memorable person." Tanya drawled, sashaying towards Hugo, who suddenly seemed uncomfortable. From his place on the couch, Malach snorted.

"Which, by the way, was against the rules. You should have kept your distance from Maisie that day."

"Oh, Malach, look at yourself! Isn't it ironic that you, who was always such a stickler for rules... Who would have thought you'd ever be here in my humble abode..." Tanya tsked as she gestured around before turning to glance at him. " Malach, the responsible one, now a rule breaker." Her lips curved in an almost cruel smile, her eyes sparkling brighter and brighter as she leaned towards him, almost as if she was going to kiss him. "Not to mention, where would she be now if I hadn't approached, huh?" We held our breaths as we watched their confrontation, it seemed almost like a dance of a kind. Touching her nose to his, she was still smiling as she added in a loud whisper, "I guess it's good I'm not such a good girl, right?" Stepping away before he could say something.

I could swear Malach's eyes squinted, and I had the impression he'd start to lecture when he suddenly widened his eyes and groaned in pain.

With a strangely excited expression, Tanya turned to me and winked. I wonder what exactly she had done to Malach, but I felt guilty for him to be feeling so much pain.

"Stop arguing, you two! We have more important things going on in here." Natalia said, getting to her feet and heading over to fuss at Malach, gently nudging Tanya away.

Hugo grumbled about something – I couldn't understand it well, something about wanting popcorn. I had barely opened up my mouth to ask him what he was talking about when Luc started speaking.

"Nat is right at that," he said, and despite agreeing he seemed to be squirming in his place by the door. It was as if everybody was just now awakening from some sort of spell Tanya had woven on them... and they weren't comfortable with it."I'm half expecting the Holy Army to appear anytime now and drag us to be punished."

"They won't appear... not today, anyway," Malach grunted, visibly uncomfortable as he tried to get up. And failed. "I'd hazard a guess that the Army will give us around a week to fix this mess on our own before they attempt to take us in. Maybe two, considering they owe us a favor."

"And by this, you mean we need to fix this situation in a week, or we're in trouble." Luciano said, running a hand through his hair as he started to pace around the room. Hugo laughed.

"Geez, Luc! Don't be such a coward, man, you'll terrify poor Maisie." Hugo smiled at me, showing off his adorable dimples that often got him out of trouble.

Probably more often than they should, anyway.

"Yes, Hugo is right - the first order of business is helping Malach and Maisie to get better. Then, we'll figure out what we're going to do about the Holy Army.." A grimace, then Natalia shook her head.

"Ah, that's not even going to be that difficult," Hugo said, smiling a touch too brightly. "After all, all we need to do is giving Izak to the Army. They're trying to catch him for ages, surely they'll forgive us if we do this... not to mention we can help Maisie this way as well so..."

"You are saying this as if it's something easy to do." Natalia made a face, and then let out a sigh and shrugged. "Oh, well. It's not like we didn't know what we were getting into anyway."

"Which is what makes this so much worse," Luciano winced, and then turned to me and forced a smile. It looked painful. "Not that I regret saving you, Maisie darling... It's that, let's put it that way, I'm not really excited by the possibility of eternal torture."

"None of us are," Malach answered, his voice sounding rough and dry. "But you should be at ease, Luc. I believe it has been a couple of centuries since the last time the Army deemed torture to be something necessary."

Luc made a noise of disbelief.

"And who is the one who was training to join the Holy Army, huh? Because as far as I know, you were perfectly happy with being a Guide."

We fell in silence, each one of us absorbed in our own thoughts.

"It should take about two days for me to fully recover. Maisie should be mostly down for the week, but we don't have the luxury to wait. We start planning a way to beat Izak at his own game tomorrow." He said, and it would have sounded a lot more impressive if he hadn't started coughing immediately afterward.

"You should drink some water. I'll get a new pinch from the fridge." As the beautiful woman left, I turned to face Malach.

"Thank you," I spoke, even as I attempted to sit. Even with Hugo rushing to help me, I could say that was a huge failure. "Thank you," I repeated, grimacing as my head swirled and Hugo helped me lay back down.

Malach shook his head. "It's fine, you made the right choice at the time - that said, Maisie, we need to work together from now onwards. No more running away to save someone without alerting at least one of us as to what is going on."

"We understand you wanting to protect them, it might have been a long time, but we all had families at one point too," Natalia added, her eyes warming with affection. I smiled back. "The thing is, by trying to solve all of it on your own, you made things way more complicated than they needed to be. For all of us. It was lucky that Hugo managed to follow you and then get away to ask for help before--"

"Sorry." I rushed to say, feeling my cheeks burn. "I didn't think--"

"We understand," Hugo begun, patting me on my knees with quiet affection. It felt as if he was rubbing sandpaper against my burnt skin. I swallowed up my tears. "We aren't mad. We just want you to trust us."

"So we can also trust you," Natalia concluded, approaching me to sit on my other side.

I smiled at then and glanced up when the door opened revealing Tanya walking back inside the room with a small tray containing the water and two glasses. She smiled at me.

"Now, now, what's done is done." She said, filling a glass with water and handing to Malach, before doing the same with another glass and moving over to me. "What we need to do now, is figure out a way to fix this whole mess together."

"Exactly." Malach agreed as he swallowed up his drink. "Together."

*

I couldn't help but feel guilty about everything. Apparently, my new friends had gotten themselves in a world of trouble because they decided to help me. Malach had been terribly wounded and I had gotten a few glimpses of Tanya's burned legs, despite the fact she was clearly trying to hide them.

It was my fault.

And now we were in this strange place, hiding, while Malach and I recovered enough so we could regroup. I had no idea what had happened to my other friends and, in particular, Jace.

I was so worried about him.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Natalia smiled, as she approached me with a plate of soup. I sighed. Despite the fact that something warm on my stomach sounded good, the last thing I wanted to do was eating.

Not only because my hands were burned and it hurt to hold the spoon, but also because my stomach ached at the mere sight of food. I briefly wondered whether I would even be able to eat.

I hadn't been until now.

"I'm truly sorry," I whispered, before I took a deep breath and decided to try. It was difficult and most of the food seemed to refuse going down. It burned going down my throat before having a hard time settling down on my stomach.

I persisted.

"Tanya said the first days are the hardest," Natalia started, looking at me with worry. "You need to force yourself to eat."

"I don't feel hungry," I admitted, and Nat patted my shoulder.

"It's been a while since you were last alive." Looking away, Natalia's lips curved into a sad smile. "They say the longest you spend dead, the harder it is to come back."

I frowned. "But I am, right? Dead?"

"Hmm... not exactly." Natalia grimaced and shrugged. "You're not exactly alive either."

I couldn't hold back my groan of distaste. "I'm a zombie?"

Laughing, my friend shook her head.

"Glad to hear my identity confusion is so funny," I grumbled, glaring with anger at my true new enemy: the soup.

Nat kept laughing at me for a while before she finally managed to control herself.

"No," she finally managed to say. "That would have been funny though."

"Nat!" I growled at her. "It wouldn't!"

"Don't worry, this is simple carrot and potatoes. No brains in there - no meat, as a matter of fact," She grinned, shaking her head. "I'm not the best person to explain what you are. Maybe you should ask Tanya."

Tanya, the beautiful woman in red that had scared the life out of me at the cemetery(or not, as I was, you know, dead at the time), not so long ago. It felt like it had almost been in another lifetime...

I didn't hold it against her though - in the few moments we had shared I had learned that while she had an almost cynic perspective on the world itself, Tanya had a kind heart.

Sometimes, that's all that matters.

She and Luc were investigating tonight, while Hugo had been left with the task to see to Malach's wounds. I almost felt sorry for the little prankster.

Almost.

As Natalia and I stared out the window and watched the moon glow with its soft light, we could hear Malach complaining and pouting like a baby who wasn't getting his way.

"Hugo is going to quit," Nat laughed, shaking her head. "I don't think he ever imagined someone could be a bigger baby than Luc when he's hurt."

I found myself smiling. "I can't imagine Luc being a baby. I mean, he's so grown up all the time..."

Natalia snorted. "Oh, I can see he has you fooled. I hope you don't get too disappointed when you discover the truth." Grinning, she pointed to the food. "Keep eating."

I frowned. "I am eating."

And I was. It was just so difficult. It was as if the food kept rebelling inside my belly.

"People call your kind Initiate," Natalia said, making me look towards her. "Many think you are an abomination." Grimacing, she looked away. I faced my plate and frowned. "Why?"

An abomination. Those words hurt me but, in a way, I was curious to find out what I was. A monster? A creature?

A part of me mourned the loss of my humanity.

"Not truly alive. Not truly dead." Natalia grimaced. "Forever stuck in a kind of limbo." The expression in Natalia's face was difficult to describe. "It's a crime to create an Initiate, besides being... Well, cruel. Many people would say that it's better to become nothing than to be stuck in a situation forever, as if frozen in time."

"Now you are making me sound like some kind of vampire." I winced, looking at my food. "I'm not going to glow, am I?"

Laughing, Natalia shook her head. "No, but some of the myths you've heard had their bases on the Initiate. Vampires, ghouls, zombies... let's say you're all one thing and one thing only."

I grimaced. "I thought you said I wasn't a zombie."

"And you aren't," Natalia glanced away. "But you can be."

I felt my stomach protest and I suddenly couldn't bear to look at the food anymore. "I don't want to be."

"I know Maisie, but things are trickier than they seem. In fact, we were a little bit selfish when we forced you to return... there is a reason why your return was so painful. It's not supposed to happen, you know? – following Natalia's gaze, I noticed she was staring at the couch where Malach had been lying down until a couple of minutes ago. There was a glow of worry in her eyes. - As much as I'm never going to admit it to him, Luc is right to be afraid.

I frowned. "Why? I haven't done anything wrong..."

"No, you haven't. Not yet. But Initiate gain many gifts - as time passes, they often forget what it was like. Being human... That's when things start going bad." Shaking her head, she pushed the plate of soup my way again. "You must not forget. You must remember."

"You mean I can become bad." I whispered, turning to her. Natalia's eyes were sad as she nodded.

"Yes. Initiates are powerful, as they've seen hell and come out of it. They don't have anything to fear, nothing to lose... It's almost as if they lose something in the process of becoming an Initiate." Biting on her lower lip, Natalia took a deep breath and forced a smile. "Don't worry though. We have faith in you. Not to mention you are lucky, you have Tanya's help- she's an Initiate too, did you know?" Sighing, Natalia pushed the plate towards me again. I grimaced. It seemed the only way for me to win this tug of war battle would be to finish the soup. "She'll help you to become the good side of the Initiate. And she'll help you manage your gifts so you'll never be a threat. It'll be ok."

Lowering my gaze to the plate, I played with the food for a little bit before glancing at her. "But I'll never be human again, will I?"

"No, you won't." Natalia reached a hand to pat mine. "But that doesn't have to be bad. You can have a good life as an Initiate, May, and we'll be by your side each step of the way."

*

A hand was on my shoulder.

"Quick. Quick princess, wake up."

I was dazed as I glanced at Tanya, who was smiling at me. I don't remember falling asleep, but clearly I must have as I was sitting at the same place by the window, a small blanket covering me.

It had been so long since I had last slept, I almost didn't recognize that strange fog inside my head and the heaviness behind my eyes... in my limbs...

"What?" I whispered, and Tanya motioned for me to move, to follow her.

I found myself leaving the place where I was and sleepily following her across corridors and down the stairs. I have always been slow to wake up and it seems that this is not one of those things that change after we die.

Impatient with my delay, Tanya grabbed my hand and started to guide me with sharp turns until we reached a tall stone and she motioned for me to lower myself behind it.

It had taken me a moment for me to realize this was the cemetery and I was hiding behind a tombstone.

What a nice way to wake up.

"What--"

"Shh, just watch."

She pointed at the small group approaching - two boys, a girl and a woman, and it didn't take me long to recognize them - after all, Savannah Blackwoods wasn't known for being discreet.

The boy I recognized as being Jace seemed sick, but still alive, hands shaking as if he was making a huge effort to be there.

"To have a chance to go back to life, it's necessary that a person still has bonds with the living," Tanya explained, pointing to them. "They need to have hope but, above all, they need to truly, deeply want the person to come back to life."

A sob left my lips, and before I could help, I was crying – but Tanya either didn't notice or didn't care, as her voice was calm and firm as she went on.

"Usually, the person with the strongest bond with you is the one who can see you." A sad smile on her lips. "There's no other rule on how they are chosen, but you and I have this in common."

"What?" I asked, my voice filled with tears. I rubbed my face with the back of my hand, feeling embarrassed.

"The people who saw us... they were connected to us through that red line of fate. Akai Ito." When I just kept staring at her blankly, she took a deep breath. "The ancient Chinese Legend? Soul mates tied by a long red line? No? Oh, well, forget it."

I felt my cheeks grow red.

"Soul mates?!" I lowered my gaze and I couldn't help staring at my feet. Soul mates. Dash and I?

The idea made me smile like an idiot.

"Oh, well. You'll find out soon enough. If you are soul mates, he will find you again. And again and again and again." She glanced at me and then sighed, shaking her head. "It's a lot less romantic than it sounds, Maisie. This means that you'll lose him. Again and again and again and so many times that you'll start to wonder whether he wouldn't be better off without you. You are going to be watching him from a distance, hurt when he hurts and you are going to try your best to keep away from him. And maybe, just maybe, there will come the day when you'll have to risk everything you've got to save someone you don't even know because he's connected to her and you don't want to see him suffer even more"

"Tanya..."

My eyes widened when I noticed there were tears in her eyes, but she shook her head and smiled – a smile that was so perfect that gave me chills.

"But that doesn't matter." She took a deep breath, fixed her dress and glanced towards my friends. "Look at them, Maisie. They know that there's no hope anymore. They know you died for real now."

I blinked. "But I didn't."

"Oh, you did, girl. You did. The sadness of our special kind of death is that we only become aware of it a few years later." Patting me on the shoulder, Tanya looked away from me and I was sure, she was crying. For some reason, her crying was so much sadder due to it being a silent one, due to her trying to hide it. "The reason I brought you here, Maisie, it's quite simple. You need to see. You need to burn this scene, the scene of their suffering in your memory. You need to remember – when all of your human memories disappear, you need to remember this. This is the pain of losing someone you love." Pointing at them, she forced me to watch as they cried and consoled each other.

"She's going to find a way," I could hear Ingreth's voice in the distance. "I know she will. Maisie is smart, I know she won't give up so easily."

Hearing Ingreth's voice gave me a strength I didn't know I needed. But I did.

I'm not going to disappoint you, Ingy, I found myself thinking, and then I jumped when Tanya squeezed my shoulder.

"Pay attention," she hissed, pointing at them. "What do you see?"

"Jace, my brother. Dash and Ingy. And then Miss Savannah." I whispered, pointing at each one of them. "They wanted me to come back to life."

And I disappointed them.

"Oh, Maisie." Tanya whispered, shaking her head. "That's not what I meant. You see people who you love and who love you - you see yourself, your own mortality, reflected in your eyes. In the centuries from now, whenever you are in a situation where you are bored or you would benefit from destroying someone's life, you need to see this. You need to look at someone and see that they aren't just a person, they are also a reflection of an infinite number of different people that loved, love, or will love them. By taking someone's life, you'll be killing a small piece of hundreds, millions of different people's souls. And, before you make a decision, you have to know whether it's worth carrying this weight with you forever or whether it isn't. Watch this, Maisie, and remember." Patting her on the shoulder, Tanya sighed. "Remember, so you don't also become a monster that we need to hunt."

I had a sudden feeling that Tanya's story was sadder than anything I could imagine.

Looking away from her in an attempt to give her some sort of privacy, I watched them. Shoulders down, eyes swollen, they seemed so defeated. I watched as Miss Savannah approached Dash to hug him tight. She whispered something in his ears and he nodded, walking away from them.

I allowed myself a last glimpse of Jace's tired form before getting to my feet and turning to Tanya. I didn't know how long it would be before I was able to see them again - and a part of me wanted to rush in there and never let them go. - but the truth was, I was exhausted. I didn't have long before I decided taking a nap against a random person's tombstone seemed like a good idea.

My body was exhausted.

I had just opened my mouth when Tanya glanced at me and let out a giggle - a happy, girlish giggle that sounded so out of place coming from her as a meowth would sound out of place coming out of a horse's mouth.

Turning away, I wasn't surprised to see Dash standing there. Squinting hard, almost as if he was having a hard time seeing me.

But as if he saw me all the same.

"Didn't I tell you?" she whispered. "Soul mates. They have the terrible habit of finding you, even more if you don't want them to."

Unable to hold back, I threw my arms around him and burst into tears. I must have been sobbing for a while when I felt his hands rub against my back. I could actually feel his hands on me, the gentle, loving touch... It was real, no longer a whisper or a wish or a memory of a dream. No, it was real.

It was real.

Then his lips touched my hair as he breathed me in and I started to cry even harder. Dash was holding me the way I always had dreamed he would.

Dash was there holding me the way I always dreamed he would. He was there. He could see me.

It was real.

And for a moment, nothing else mattered. Not my exhaustion, not the fact that I could see dark spots on the side of my eyes, not the fact that the place where he held me hurt or that my feet hurt as well. It didn't matter that I was crying and probably soaking his shirt, or that I couldn't breathe and I wasn't sure whether this was important or not because I was kind of dead. And it didn't matter if I could never live again, as long as I could stay just like this. I was in bliss.

I stepped away from him for a bit - not too far, as it didn't seem he'd allow me to. We stared at each other.

"I love you." He mouthed, and I saw the spots growing larger. Bigger.

And then, for what felt like was the twentieth time in the day, I was out.

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 YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FOLLOW THE STORY IF YOU READ THE PREVIOUS VERSION OF IT.

Originally published: January 24th, 2020

Revised: April 27th, 2020

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