Off Balance

By

Renee Pace

What the hell? Is that Jen pushing a stroller?

Shit, after all the frigging time I spent writing her those stupid letters, after she dropped me like a used cigarette, I can’t believe she’s the first person I see on my leave. That’s the type of karma I’m having these days. First I find out that Eje’s going to be late returning to Halifax, and now this. I glance around and wonder for a second if I can walk past her like she doesn’t exist. That’s probably what she’ll do. I never thought of her as being that cold, but not once did she respond to my letters. All I wanted to know was why. Why was it over? I get that a long-distance relationship is hard, but it’s not like I was going to be away for freaking forever. Maybe she’s seeing someone else. Christ, the thought of that makes me want to puke up the donair I wolfed down faster than a souped-up car.

With my palms sweaty I feel more nervous walking toward her than my first day at boot camp, which sucked. For once the movies got something right. Boot camp is downright ugly. It was all running, learning how to function on little sleep, and forcing yourself to eat crappy sludge military food. That was the first week. Then it became more running, which alternated between pushing your sorry legs through large motherfucking knee-deep water the Sergeant called puddles—I swear to God, if he said that one more time, I was going to drown him in one of those so-called puddles­—and lots of time spent cleaning weapons. After fourteen weeks of the same routine, with the only deviation being waking up earlier and earlier and learning to heave your tired, beyond-achy body past the breaking point, it was hit-the-books study time.

“Wow, guess who I get the pleasure of running into.” I hate that when I look at Jen, my heart drops to my feet. She’s changed but the same. She’s skinner than I remember and there’s a wary deer-in-the-headlights look in her eyes that makes me want to check over my shoulder. I resist that urge and hope to God I’m not drooling. Her chestnut-colored hair is pulled back in a ponytail, but wisps of it frame her pixie-like face. Her cheeks look flushed and she smells like fresh, clean air.

“Nice to see you, Charlie.”

Nice to freaking see me. It’s on the tip of my tongue to shout at her, but one thing the military ingrained in me is that it’s always best to keep my big mouth shut. The few times I did speak up, I paid for it with sweat, and there’s nothing fun about working out when everyone else has gone to the barracks.

“Yeah, great to see you too, Jen.” I’m so lame. Small talk was never my strong suit. I find myself shuffling my feet and I don’t want to keep walking. What I want more than anything is to sweep Jen into my arms and kiss her like I fantasized about night after night.

“So, how is the military?” she asks, making sure to keep the stroller moving. She must have taken a nanny job. Funny, I never thought of her as suited to clean poopy diapers and all. I’m glad the kid’s asleep and oblivious to us.

“Great.” The kid, a baby I realize, starts to squirm around in the stroller. I attempt to peek in but Jen moves the stroller forward. I can’t see the baby. Fine. Whatever. With expertise, Jen pops the soother back in the baby’s mouth and then turns to face me.

“So you really like the army?” she asks, again. I nod. “It’s hard though. Lots of physical work, and the school stuff is a lot harder than the stuff taught in high school. But yeah, guess I really do like it.” I know now I’m rambling but hell, she was the one who asked. “So, what have you been up to?”

For a weird second her eyes dart back to the stroller, and then she looks up at me. “Not much. Stuff,” she says, which is so unlike Jen I think I must be making her uncomfortable.

“Well, I was supposed to meet Eje tonight, but since he’s not in town yet, are you interested in getting together? You know like old times. I’d really like to see the gang.” Sweet Jesus, I must be nuts. Why not put a bullet through my heart while I stand? I honestly can’t believe I blurted all that out.

Jen looks down at her sneakers and for a second I let myself hope. “I can’t tonight. Sorry, Charlie.”

“Oh, okay, that’s fine. Listen, I’ve got to go, but it was really great seeing you again, Jen.”

She nods but doesn’t say anything. I force myself to walk away from her and feel more than ever that I should run back and kidnap her. What we had felt special. Where did I go wrong? What did I do to make her hate me so much?

Oh my God. I think I’m going to be sick. Of all the people to run into, Charlie. God, he looked so good he made me want to cry. Instead I acted like a fool and said nothing. I can’t help but glance over my shoulder to see if he’s still there, but he’s gone. Out of my life for good and he doesn’t know. Maybe I should have told him. Would it have made a difference? Who knows.

Danny starts to cry and for once I like the distraction. I turn the corner, put the stroller in park and pick him up, holding him tight. At six months now, he’s looking more and more like his father. The man I let walk out of my life for good. I cuddle Danny close, amazed at how bright his wonderful, big brown eyes are. He’s got light cinnamon-colored skin, thick, dark curly hair and eyes so alert and intelligent he makes my heart soar.

“You, my little man, must be getting hungry.” I watch his mouth suckle hard on his soother. It will take me three more blocks until I get to my sister’s place. Tucking him back into his stroller, I make sure the baby blankets keep the chilly September day from his body.

Shame you didn’t do one of your famous cries for your daddy. The mere thought of Charlie holding Danny unlocks something I’ve tried hard to keep closed for months. I fight the tears wanting to fall. Months ago I willed the emotional side of me to shut off. The words my father screamed at me still haunt me. I made my bed and now I’ve got to lie in it. A giggle escapes me. At least I get to hold Danny in that bed.

I haul the stroller up the two flights of stairs and open the door. Ella, my big sister, is there, holding the door open for me. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Unlike my father, she’s been my rock. When Dad found out I was pregnant, he hit the wall, literally. Things got worse from there so a few weeks before I delivered Danny, I took up my big sister’s offer and moved in with her. She hasn’t asked me for rent yet and when I offered to pay what I could, she told me not to worry about it. Thank God she’s got a big paying job at the bank because the truth of the matter is, I don’t have much money saved.

“Did the walk calm him down?”

“Yeah, the minute we hit the street he conked out as usual,” I say, moving the stroller into the living room. No way am I taking him out of that until he wakes up screaming for his food. His last feeding frenzy meant three nights of no sleep, and my breasts are still sensitive. Maybe I should start him on a bottle soon.

“Your friend Shannon just called. You really should go out with her.”

I look at Danny and give a silent chuckle. “Can’t.”

“Well, when you’re ready I’ve got formula and bottles for you, and maybe when he wakes he’ll be so hungry he won’t miss you.”

“Why do I get the impression it’s you who wants him to take the bottle more than me?”

Ella walks over to the stroller and adjusts one of his blankets. At the age of twenty-six she’s still single and I have no idea why. She’s dated lots of men, but according to her, none have met her criteria. I should have drawn up a list of must-haves too. Maybe that would have helped me resist Charlie. I feel heat creep up my flushed cheeks and hope my sister doesn’t notice.

“I just love him so much, Jen. He’s so adorable. I’d like to try the bottle with him to see if he’d take it. I won’t push you. I know it’s totally up to you, but he’s just so cuddly.” I’m sure Ella’s coworkers would kill to hear how she speaks when she talks to Danny. Normally, my sister is all business, but not when it comes to her nephew.

I look at Danny sleeping peacefully still in his stroller and nod. “Okay, you win. I’ll give Shannon a call and maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll meet her for a coffee.” I head down the hall to my bedroom. I swear to God, my sister almost jumped for joy. Obviously we both need to get out more.

I give Shannon a hug the minute I see her. She squeezes me back and then punches my arm.

“Why’d you do that?” I slide my butt onto the worn leather seat. We’re at a greasy spoon so I wouldn’t be out long, in case Danny doesn’t take to the bottle my sister eagerly got ready.

“You didn’t tell him.”

“Tell who what?” I ask, pleading ignorance.

“Don’t play that game with me. Charlie’s in town. He just called me to say he ran into you. He didn’t mention anything else. So, I’m guessing you didn’t tell him.”

Shit. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything to her. She’s never been good at keeping secrets. I stare hard at her. “Listen, how was I to know I’d run into him? He’s busy. I told you, this is my burden.”

Shannon looks at me like I’m nuts and maybe I am, but it’s my call. She doesn’t know Charlie like I do. If Charlie knew I’d been pregnant, he’d never have gone into the army. He’d never get that opportunity to do what he wanted with his life. No way was I going to be the anchor around his neck. Especially after he told me straight up how he grew up in the projects. What’s that expression? If you love something enough, set it free. Well, hell, that’s exactly what I promised myself I’d do for Charlie. My love for him gave him his independence.

“That’s not right, Jen, and you know it. Charlie deserves to know about Danny. That’s not a secret you hide from his father.”

I’m tempted to stand up and leave. I don’t want to have this conversation. Especially since I’m feeling vulnerable. Seeing Charlie today knocked that barrier I’ve built down a bit. I spent the rest of the day reminding myself why I did what I did.

I lean across the table to stress my point. “Shannon, this hasn’t been easy on me, but you’ve got to trust me. The decision I made is the best thing for Charlie.”

She sits back and studies me. God, I hate when she does that. Shannon’s been my good friend all my life and the one thing she knows is when I lie, my eyes twitch. I feel overly conscious of my facial movements.

“You’re full of shit. You still have feelings for him. Jen, tell him. What if someone else does?”

“What? Did you tell Eje?”

She shakes her head. “No. I promised you I wouldn’t, but I hate that. Eje and I don’t have secrets between us. We promised each other we wouldn’t after all that happened and honestly, this…this is killing me.”

“Don’t you dare tell him, Shannon.”

“Then you tell Charlie. He deserves to know. Trust me, you’ll hate yourself if you don’t. Listen, Eje’s going to be in town tomorrow night. I’m giving you twenty-four hours before I spill my guts to him, and you know how tight they are.”

This is blackmail. I can’t believe Shannon is doing this to me. After everything I’ve endured, she’s going to ruin it. I’m so mad at her it takes me a full minute to realize I’ve got tears in my eyes.

Shannon takes my hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. “This isn’t fair to you. Charlie’s done his basic training. Didn’t he tell you he’s been stationed here in Halifax? Tell him. He might surprise you.”

I wipe the tears from my cheek and remove my hand. “The only surprise is how much he’ll hate me. I can’t tell him. It’s too late. Just leave it alone. Please stay out of it.”

“I can’t. Either you tell him or Eje will. I think news like this should come from you.”

Her words haunt me all through the stupid meaningless meal we have. I practically race back to the apartment, needing more than ever the feel of Danny. Telling Charlie might be the right thing, but deep down I know it’s going to be more painful than childbirth.

To say I was surprised Jen called me is an understatement. After our awkward talk on the street I thought for sure I’d never lay eyes on her again. I walk into Linda’s Diner and I’m so glad someone invented bacon I can’t help but grin. My stomach grumbles loud with pleasure. The military has bacon, but one bite is all it takes for you to never touch that stuff again. You’d swear it was made from real leather and not the swine type. The smell reminds me of home.

I’m early, so I cop a seat near the door to watch for Jen. I order coffee and tell the waitress I’m expecting someone. I see Jen a minute later. She’s brought the kid again. I guess her nanny job must be full-time. I get up and hold the door open for her as she hauls the stroller awkwardly into the small restaurant. “Thanks,” she says.

She looks terrible. She’s got dark circles under her eyes and it looks like she’s been crying. If her father’s been yelling at her again, I’m going to say something. Jen’s home life hasn’t been easy and while she might have a fancy house in a good neighborhood, her father is an asshole. Most cops are.

“Everything all right?” I take her jacket and hang it up on the peg beside our table.

She accepts a coffee from the waitress and attempts a smile.

She still hasn’t answered my question. I try again. “Jen, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She gives me a pleading look that I don’t understand. She blows on the hot coffee and then asks without looking at me, “Charlie, you really like the army, right?”

“Sure, I do. It’s great. I get to study and get paid. I’m saving up for a house for my mom and me.”

Jen sputters on the coffee she’s attempting to sip. “Wow, that’s great. Your mom must be so proud of you.” She sounds even more not like herself. Jen’s always been the optimistic, perky one. Today, she’s definitely off.

“She is. You know it’s not easy being a single mom,” I say.

“Trust me, I know,” says Jen, her voice so low I almost missed it. What the heck?

I lean closer to her. “Jen, what’s up? And don’t tell me nothing. I know something is. Tell me.”

Her eyes dart nervously to the stroller, and then it hits me. Christ, the kid in the buggy is hers. Instantly I feel angry. The thought of Jen with another guy hurts like hell.

“Jen, are you telling me that baby’s yours?” I’m clenching my fist under the table and hope she’ll deny it.

Emerald eyes full of tears stare at me. “No, Charlie. I’m telling you he’s ours.”

Ours? An army truck could have creamed through the diner and for the love of God, I wouldn’t have been able to move. Ours? The word rings loud and then louder as the reality of what she’s told me hits me. What the fuck? Frantically I recall the two times we made out. Both got heated fast and we hadn’t used condoms. I am such a fucking idiot. More than that, I’m furious. I’m so mad I can’t speak. The waitress comes over and automatically we order. The normalcy adds to the surreal moment.

“Are you sure?” Instantly I regret asking that question. Jen’s eyes narrow and a red blush of embarrassment curls from her pale neck to her freckled cheeks. “Trust me, I’m sure.”

I lean closer to her. I want more than anything to yell and scream at her but I force myself to be calm. “Jen, why didn’t you tell me?” Moving my head my eyes dart to the stroller. I’m dying to see the baby. What does he look like? Christ, I’m a dad. I don’t even know his name. I have a thousand thoughts zinging through my mind and can’t focus. One minute I’m angry and the next I’m overwhelmed.

She takes a sip of coffee and picks up the sleeping baby. I want to hate her but she looks so damn hot and sexy holding him, my son, that I can’t pry my eyes from her. “Charlie, if I told you, I was sure you wouldn’t accept the army.”

“You got that right. I should have been here for you.” My voice has a bark to it I’m finding hard to control.

“No, that wouldn’t be right. The army is your way out. You said that yourself a hundred times. I really did want to tell you. I read all your letters and wrote back a dozen times, but I couldn’t get the nerve to mail them. When you texted me, I had to erase them. Please, don’t hate me. I’m okay. He’s okay. And more importantly, you’re okay.”

What the fuck? I’m okay. This isn’t about me. This is about her and our baby. She made a decision…a decision I should have been involved with from the start, but she left me in the dark. I force myself to take a sip of coffee to calm down.

“What’s his name?” I find myself leaning over the table to get a better look at him. My son.

Jen smiles. “Daniel.”

My heart flips over. I look at her hard for a long moment. Silently she holds him out to me. Without a word I take my son into my arms. “You remembered.” My voice cracks with emotion. That rush of being overwhelmed hits me like a bullet—hard and piercing straight through my heart.

For the first time since she walked in Jen, cracks a smile. It transforms her instantly into her beautiful cheerful self. The girl I fell in love with. The girl I still love. “Trust me, that tickling session I remembered.” Jen leans across the table. “I wanted him to have a piece of you, Charlie.”

I’m drowning with the emotions cascading through me. Was it only ten minutes ago I was pissed at her for not writing to me? Shit, the thought of what she’s endured in the last year makes me feel sick. I want to stay mad at her, but holding the baby, my son, our child, in my arms is doing something to me—it’s unraveling a piece of me I don’t want to examine too closely. Knowing she named our son Daniel, which is my middle name and my father’s name— keeping a piece of history tied to him—isn’t helping me stay angry. And right now I need to be in control. I have the right to be mad. She didn’t tell me. In fact, when I think about it, she downright lied to me. Liars are people I can’t stand, I remind myself as I gaze for the first time into the face of my son.

I feel sick. There’s a part of me that’s acting calm, I can feel that—it’s that frozen part I locked away months ago when I realized the only person I could rely on was myself. I had to be strong for my son.

“Jen, he’s so beautiful,” Charlie chokes out. He’s gazing at him with love shining in his eyes.

I wonder what he’s thinking, holding his son in his arms for the first time. Does it feel totally overwhelming? Like the best instant love you’ll ever experience? That’s exactly how I felt when I gave birth to him. “Yeah, he’s beautiful and he’s a good baby. Only cries when he’s hungry, which might be soon.”

Charlie’s gaze turns from our son to look at me. “Can I give him his food when he wakes up?”

I’m now fighting back the tears and grabbling with embarrassment. Danny objected to my sister’s attempts to give him a bottle yesterday, so I’m back to nursing him. I love feeding him. It feels natural and keeps me connected to him. I’m trying to figure out how to tell all that to Charlie. I see Charlie’s doe-brown eyes turn heated as he processes what I’m not saying. See, that’s the thing with Charlie. He can read between the lines like a pro and it’s always been something I’ve marveled at.

“Ah, you don’t give him a bottle, do you?”

I shake my head. His cheeks turn slightly red, which adds to how adorable he looks nuzzling the top of our son’s head. I know what he’s trying to do. Inhale that sweet baby scent of him, because it’s something I do all the time.

“Okay, let me just add to the awkward moment and say that’s really hot,” says Charlie, a grin spreading across his face. He throws in a wink to disarm me.

I smile for real. This is the Charlie I came to love. Not only is he fast on his feet and academically a freaking brainaic, but his wit will blow you over like a cyclone. You either like it or hate it. I fell in love with it on day one when he and a bunch of other so-called high school delinquents showed up at my paddling club for an afterschool program. I’m not sure what the overall objective of the program was, but for Charlie and Eje, who’s still hooked up with my best friend Shannon, the program reinforced their desire to escape where they live.

Charlie’s not very good in a kayak, but he knows his way around a weight room like a heroin addict—all hype and ready to show everyone the joy of lifting weights. Trust me, there’s no joy in pumping iron, but I’ve never told Charlie that.

“Trust me, Danny—I call him Danny—likes his food.”

“Life father, like son,” says Charlie with ease.

Once again I have to remind myself not to fall for his charm. That’s not easy. Charlie was stud material before the military whipped him into shape. At six-foot one, with light, curly brown hair cropped even closer to his head, mocha skin tone and brown eyes, he’s brash and bold. Charlie was a lot of muscle before he joined the army but now all that muscle has been evenly displaced to the rest of his body. Plus, he looks more confident. Oh, he pulled off cocky with swagger and I’m not saying that’s gone, but he’s a guy with a purpose and he’s on the right path to achieve that. Me, what’s my purpose? It’s a question I don’t want to examine at the moment.

Charlie keeps looking at me and Danny. “He’s got your nose. Thank God.” He chuckles.

I laugh. Charlie’s always hated his wide nose and used to curse his no-good father for that genetic marker. “He’s got your eyes,” I add.

“He does? I really hope he wakes up soon. I’m dying to see. So he’s, like, five months?”

“Six. He was born on February twenty-seventh at four in the morning and he weighed a good seven pounds nine ounces.”

“You have got to be kidding me. February twenty-seventh?”

“Yeah,” I say, not feeling his excitement.

“That’s my mother’s birthday.” If he grins any wider, his face might split open.

“You’re kidding me. What are the odds of that?” I say, trying to process it all.

Charlie switches Danny from his left arm to his right so he can better watch his face. He’s not nervous and looks in his element holding our son. Our breakfast arrives and I dig in while I can. My breasts feel heavy and my gut tells me when Danny wakes up, I’ll have to feed him. I brought along his soother, but half that time that doesn’t work to keep him quiet.

Charlie uses his left hand to feed himself, not willing to put Danny down. I forgot Charlie was a leftie and it makes me wonder about Danny. I get his desire to keep Danny close.

“Don’t you get it, Jen? Our son was meant to be.”

I’m stuffing a large piece of my cheese omelet into my mouth and almost choke. That was a phrase I used on my father after, like, our fortieth conversation about my choices. His first words of wisdom urged me to get an abortion. His second was adoption, which sounded worse than his kill-my-baby talk. When I finally did find my voice, I spoke about fate and all that crap. I know I said this baby was meant to be and while my dad told me not to romanticize it, which I’ll admit I’d done in the beginning, from day one I had a feeling I was right. Danny was meant to be. Could I have an abortion? No. It was that plain and simple. Could I even think about giving up my baby to complete strangers? I tried to think about it. I tried to paint a picture in my head that he’d be better off and end up with some rich parents, but in the end that’s not a guarantee and I couldn’t do it. Two months before I gave birth to Danny I left home to move in with my sister. The fights with my father had escalated and weren’t worth it. Of course, I can’t find my voice to tell my father. Instead, I left him a note and told him not to call.

He called once after I left a message on the home answering machine, informing him he had a grandson. His call had been brief and awkward but before he hung up, he told me that no matter what he loved me. He didn’t add that he loved my son, and I get that step might take longer. Ella, my sister, said to give him time. It’s been almost half a year. I wonder how much time he needs. I don’t tell any of that to Charlie.

“I take it your father freaked on you. Jesus, Jen, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. I should have been there for you.”

I blink back tears and mouth, “It was difficult.” What I can’t believe is why Charlie isn’t screaming his head off at me. What I did to him was unfair. I almost feel the urge to text Shannon to tell her she was right. Instead, I lean across the table and for the first time in months, I touch Charlie. That one touch is all it takes. Holding our baby in his arms, he moves out of the booth and scoots in beside me. Using his left arm, he hauls me to him. I savor the feel of his body heat and let his warmth invade my scarred heart.

“Jen, don’t lie to me again. It was shitty. I get that. Your father never liked me because of the color of my skin. I bet he freaked on you big time about having my baby.”

I try to deny it but don’t. The hateful words my father spewed at me come flashing back. I dig my fingers into my palm. Pain is something I’ve learned to embrace.

“He just doesn’t know you.” Why do I feel the need to defend my father? My father is far from perfect, but he’s only human and we all have flaws. His years on the police force certainly changed him. Raising the three of us after my mother died of breast cancer ten years ago didn’t make for an easy life. Maybe I should call him again?

“Well, he might change, but I’ve dealt with enough people like your father to know that’s not going to happen overnight. And part of me respects that. I’m not sure I’d ever let a daughter of mine date a guy like me.”

He’s trying to lighten the mood. Danny start to squirm, and I hold out my arms so Charlie will hand him over. Charlie gives me another one of his bone-melting longing looks I try hard to ignore. With obvious reluctance, he hands Danny to me. I absorb my son’s warm body and gently push down the small hoodie covering his head. Charlie leans closer and I expect him to pull his arm away from me, but he doesn’t.

“Jen, don’t get me wrong. I’m really mad you didn’t tell me, but I don’t live in the past anymore. I’m also really proud of what you did. You did this because you wanted something better for me. I get that. But you’ve got to understand something. There wasn’t a day that went by without me thinking about you. I know I fast-talked you and I know you might have thought our fling was just that, but that’s never been what I wanted.”

The tears slide down my cheek and I lean my head more into his muscular shoulder. He caresses my hair and I feel my heart start to beat a loud warning bell. I feel his touch throughout my sensitive body. So much for my armor.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble. “I didn’t know what to do and then I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“You should have told me from the beginning,” he says again.

I know I’ve hurt him, but this is going a lot smoother than I envisioned. A small whimper from Danny draws me to him. His eyes are wide open and Charlie’s leaning over me so he can see the expression on his son’s face. That pulls at my heartstrings so much I have to concentrate on the sounds of the diner to avoid breaking down. The couple in the booth to our right has been privy to our entire conversation, but when I make eye contact with the woman she smiles at me. It’s such a reassuring look that I find myself smiling back. She turns her attention back to her coffee and I’m forced back to my son and Charlie.

“His eyes are just like mine.”

“I told you,” I say.

Charlie is touching Danny’s cheeks. His hand is so big compared to our son’s small cheeks I find it mesmerizing.

“He’s got your skin coloring.”

“Maybe that will fade more with time,” Charlie says.

I look up at Charlie. He’s never been proud of his African-Canadian heritage but it’s a part of him. Too bad his father wasn’t in their life. Danny’s mouth starts to make puckering movements.

“Can you pass me that small blanket in the stroller? I’m going to have to feed him.”

Charlie hands me the blanket and then moves back to his side of the booth. I adjust the blanket around me and realize my hands are shaking.

“Listen, I’ve got to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” says Charlie, getting up from the booth before I can even nod a thanks.

I know exactly what he’s doing. He’s giving me time to compose myself so I can feed Danny. I sniffle back the tears and lean back in the booth, letting my son take hold of me. Now what? I’m wondering. Will we eat our breakfasts and go our separate ways? What’s best for Danny? But what about what I want?

I thought I knew what I wanted long before Danny came into my life. Getting my teacher’s degree had been my goal. Now, my priority is Danny. I haven’t given up, but sometimes taking care of him twenty-four-seven makes it feel like a pipe dream.

Holy fucking shit. I think I’ve said that a dozen times in my head but I can’t stop. Jen is in there nursing my son. Our son. It’s such a major-turn on I feel like a freak. I should be pissed at her, but there’s this part of me that just wants to protect her. Is this how love feels? Shit, this is so not what I expected coming home on leave. I thought I’d spend my entire time partying. Now, all I want to do is spend my time with Jen and Danny. My son.

I wonder what she’s thinking. If she thinks I’m walking out on her life, she can think again. No shit. My father might have done that to my mom, but that’s not going to be me. I know how hard it’s been on my mom to raise me, her hellion, on her own. Plus, I want to be there for my son. I guess the bigger question is, does Jen want me? Christ, I’ve got a freaking hard-on thinking about her breastfeeding our son. I’m too afraid to go back out into the diner. I wonder how long it takes to feed a baby. I start counting the dirty diamond squares on the floor and force my body to cool down. I judge a good ten minutes have passed. I leave the stall, knowing I was being a freaking coward, and head back out.

Danny’s back in his stroller and Jen’s tucking in her shirt. The bill is on the table. I walk over and grab the two receipts, heading to the cashier. I pay and then I’m helping Jen move the stroller down the stairs and out onto the street.

“So, are you still at home?” I ask, realizing I have no idea where’s she’s living.

“No. I moved in with my sister. I live with her on Tower Road.”

I wonder if her move was by choice but suspect it wasn’t. “Listen, Jen, we really need to talk more about all of this.”

“Yeah, we do,” she says, moving the stroller back and forth.

“Can I come over?”

“As in, now?” Her green eyes look freaked.

My heart’s running a marathon and I feel like I’m rushing the words. “I can come over now or wait until a better time. It’s up to you, but I’m not leaving you. You’re not getting me out of your life so fast.”

She smiles. Guess I’m saying the right things. “My sister’s at work and the place is a mess, but yeah, you can come over.”

My heart flip-flops. I nod and together we start the walk from the waterfront up to Tower Road. We talk about silly things. She tells me what Shannon’s been up to and then I realize what she hasn’t said.

“You quit school, didn’t you?” I need to know.

“Sort of had to. Things got really hard for me,” says Jen, telling more with those small words than if she’d launched into a lecture. “But I’m currently working on getting my GED. My sister is determined to help. Honestly, Charlie, I’m not sure what I would have done without her support.”

Because I gave you none. I feel like a flat tire. Useless. What could I have done to help if she’d told me? Not much. Jen’s right. The only way out of my neighborhood was a scholarship like Eje got or the Armed Forces. I could have gotten a scholarship, but the reality is I wanted a military life. A chance to see more of the world. A chance for a steady job. An opportunity to learn a skill and be useful.

“So, how is army life?” she asks, turning the conversation.

For once I’m happy to switch subjects. It certainly hasn’t been a picnic, but I bet it’s been easier than Jen’s life. And that’s partly my fault.

We get to her sister’s apartment and I help her haul up the stroller. It’s two freaking flights of stairs. How the hell does she do this every day? She unzips Danny but doesn’t move him from the stroller.

“He likes to sleep in his stroller during the day.”

I strip off my coat. Once Jen hangs up our jackets I turn to her. I walk right up to her and do what I’ve dreamed about a dozen times a day. I kiss her like she’s my lifeline. The scary thing is, since I met her she’s meant everything to me. And now it’s up to me to play at being her savior when in reality, she’s mine.

Why isn’t he screaming at me? Why, when he looks at me, do I feel special when I know I’m not?

I’m almost wishing Danny would wake up and demand my attention. He’s still asleep in the stroller, which is parked in the hallway. I find myself checking on him to see if he’s started to squirm, but he’s deep in baby sleep land. Hopefully his dreams are better than mine. Lately, nightmares make up my nights and I know it has to do with my fear of coping. Being a single mom is hard, but more than that it’s lonely. I know that now. I tuck my feet under me on the sofa. Charlie’s hair is a lot shorter than it used to be, but with his face he can pull it off.

He gives me another heated look, which I’m trying to ignore. “So what do you do all day?” he asks.

It’s such an innocent question, I know I shouldn’t feel angry because he doesn’t get how demanding being a parent is, but I find myself turning red.

Like he knows he’s said the wrong thing, Charlie rushes in with, “Shit, I bet it’s hard, but I’m just wondering about your life and Danny.”

“At the moment, when Danny’s sleeping, I’m studying and doing my GED work. I’m finishing my last year and in June, I’ll write my GED and graduate. And then I’m applying to university.”

“You still want to be a teacher?”

It’s always the small things Charlie remembers, and I love him more for it. “Yeah, that’s still my dream.” I stare deep into his brown eyes and wish he could read me like a book. I’m too afraid to find my voice, to speak the fears I’m trying hard to keep blanketed. Like Danny sleeping, being oblivious to the world would be easy. In my case, I’m hyperaware of time ticking away.

Charlie’s hand grasps mine. He moves closer. I feel his body heat and smell the clean scent of his soap. He still smells like Irish Spring and I find myself smiling.

“What’s so funny?”

“You. I would have thought the army wouldn’t allow Irish Spring soap.” I chuckle.

He laughs. “Oh, army soap is mean. It’s not for black people. I’ve never used so much lotion in my entire life. I’m not sure what was worse—surviving boot camp, or being nicknamed ‘scaly’ because the soap dried out my skin so much. First thing I did when I got home was take a long bath.”

“Yeah, knowing you, I bet there was a magazine in your hand.”

Charlie grins and his eyes light up. “And what magazine did you envision in my hand?”

I find myself blushing. We’re flirting. It almost feels like old times.

Charlie leans back on the sofa and, quick like a kayak, slides his arm around my shoulder. He hauls me closer. “Jen, I get that this has been hard. If I’d known—”

“You’d what?” I cut in, trying hard to maintain that concrete barrier I’d built up around my heart.

“I would have stayed,” he says softly, like he knows he’d regret it.

“Of course you would have. It wouldn’t have been right for you, though.”

He jumps up from the sofa. “What’s fair for you and Danny? I should have been here.”

I get up and force myself to close the space between us. “We’re okay.”

“Jesus, how can you say that, Jen? Don’t even try to pretend this is how you envisioned your life. You quit school.”

“Only temporarily,” I remind him, jumping up with nervous energy.

“You moved out of your home to live with your sister.”

“This is a lot better than living with Dad.” Why am I defending myself? I plunk back down on the sofa and steal another glance at the stroller. No little movements. Damn. Charlie sits beside me but his arms are resting on his legs and he looks like he’s thinking of something to say. It’s making me nervous.

“I’m…we’re going to be okay, Charlie.”

It’s then I realize he’s silently crying. My arms automatically wrap around his wide back. He doesn’t shake me off. I hear him mumble, “I’m such a fuck-up. This is all my fault.”

I move and kneel before him, forcing him to look at me. I capture his face in my hand. I need him to realize I’m not the same person I had been. Having Danny changed me. Maybe this isn’t how I thought my life would play out, and maybe coping is okay for now, but I certainly don’t need a knight in shining armor—or in my case, Charlie in his army fatigues—saving me. No way. Maybe at one time I wished for that, but this Jennifer grew up. Someone else counts on me now, and I won’t let him down.

“Charlie, it’s both our faults. We were young. We let our passion for each other rule our heads, and voilà. Do I regret Danny coming into my life? Not for one second.”

“How can you say that when he must remind you of me so much?”

I smile, hoping he’ll understand that’s exactly what makes Danny so special to me. Looking at Charlie, I know he needs to hear those words. “Charlie, you don’t get it. When I look at Danny it’s you I see. I search you out in his eyes. I love running my fingers over his pudgy nose, hoping it’ll look like yours.”

Charlie groans.

“I could never hate how Danny looks because to me, he looks like you. Gorgeous.”

The next thing I know, Charlie’s hands grasp my face and his lips are on mine. I expect for a second for it to be a punishing, almost brutal kiss, but that’s the thing with Charlie. He defies expectations. Like before, his lips are soft, gentle and so coaxing that it’s me who ends up demanding more. I’m not sure how long we declare our love with our lips, but it’s only when the door opens that I realize in the span of an afternoon my barrier has crumbled.

I didn’t want to leave, but Jen’s sister, as nice as she is for taking Jen and Danny in to live with her, made it clear by eight o’clock it was time for me to head home. She’s right, of course. I was putting it off because there’s this part of me that feels if I leave, Jen might run. That’s ridiculous, I know. Where the heck would she go? She’s put on a brave face, but if she thinks I’m leaving her for good she’s about to discover I’m harder than a bed bug to get rid of.

“It’s movie night, Charlie, and I’ve got all your favorite snacks,” says Mom the minute I open the door to our apartment. It hits me then. I’ve got to tell her.

“Mom, can I speak with you?”

Her face turns gray and she clutches her heart. “What’s up?”

When you grow up in the North End of Halifax you get used to living with tragedy and shock, so she has every right to get worried, but I don’t want her getting too worked up. We move to the sofa in the living room and I can tell by the look on her face she’s thinking the worst.

“You remember Jennifer from the paddling club?”

Mom shakes her head. Shit, that’s right. Jen never came over. Mom only met Shannon when Eje got the crap beaten out of him. “Was she the girl you were always mooning over?” she asks, trying hard not to smile.

I nod. “Yeah, guess I was mooning over her. We were sort of going out…”

“And?”

I gulp, knowing I’m stalling. I’m worried Mom’s going to freak on me, and that’s never good. “Promise me you won’t freak?”

“Charlie Daniel Johnston, you had best not be in trouble. Not after all I’ve done to—”

“It’s not like that. I’m a dad.”

My mom doesn’t say anything for a full minute. I rush in with everything I’ve learned in the last hours being with Jennifer.

“You are telling me this here girl didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to say no to the army?”

“Yeah, that’s basically what I can gather.”

My mom gets up from the sofa. “Charlie, this girl loves you and let me say it right now, I love her. She was trying to protect you. And now you, my son, are going to do the right thing.”

“And what’s that?” I know, but I want her to say it. I’m fighting not to grin when Mom gets in my face.

“Boy, you’d best not be messing with me. No son of mine is going to walk away from his child.”

I grin. “Absolutely not. I think that’s what Jen expects. Hell no. I want to see my son grow up.”

“Oh my God, I’m a grandmother and I don’t even know his name.”

“Daniel. And more than that, he was born on your birthday.”

I swear to God, my mom got down on her knees and started thanking God for Danny. That, more than anything, brought more damn tears to my eyes.

My mother’s eyes turn misty. “She knew that was your dad’s name, right?”

I nod.

Mom gets up off her knees and takes my face in her hands to stare at me. “Well, Charlie, you might have your father’s name as your middle name but you are not like him. I raised you better.”

“Yes you did. Would you like to come with me tomorrow to see your grandson?”

Mom nods, but big fat tears are running down her cheeks. “I can’t believe she took it upon herself not to tell you.”

“It hasn’t been easy for her.”

Mom laughs but not in a funny way. “Charlie, you don’t have to tell me that.”

I ring the door to Jennifer’s apartment. I’ve got a dozen red roses and a ring in my pocket. The ring belongs to my grandmother who passed away a decade ago. Mom gave it to me last night in case I thought of some important words to ask Jennifer. Those were her words, not mine. I tried to play like I had no idea what she was talking about, but she grinned and walked away, not falling for my game.

“Oh, come in,” says Jen when she opens the door. I notice panic flare to life when she realizes I’ve brought my mother along.

“Jen, this is my mom, Sherry.”

“Nice to meet you, Sherry,” says Jen, taking the roses. “Thanks, Charlie. You shouldn’t have.”

“Oh, yes he should have,” adds my mom.

They shake hands but then my mom pulls Jen in close for a bear hug. I expect Jen to stiffen but she surprises me by returning the hug. They’re both grinning when they release each other, and both have tears in their eyes. This I so don’t need. I’m sick of crying.

Quickly, like she knows how I feel about more tears, Mom comes right out and asks if she can see the baby. The smile lighting up Jen’s face is better than any firework display.

“He’s such a good baby. He only wakes up usually once in the night for a feeding and then goes right back to sleep. And he likes to take a two-hour nap in the afternoon, which gives me time to work on my studies.”

Mom doesn’t say anything. Her mind, like mine, is waiting to see Danny. Jen moves us to the living room, and there he is. Today he’s in something Jen calls a bouncy chair, watching the moving planets with a huge grin on his chubby face.

Mom immediately gushes on about how handsome he is. This we all agree on. Without asking, Jen unstraps Danny and hands him to my mom. My mom’s face has this raptured look on it, and I know how she feels. Overwhelmed, excited and nervous.

Then, like a pro, Mom sits down with Danny in the rocking chair I didn’t even notice yesterday and settles in to rock him. I’ll be lucky if I get to hold him today.

Jen offers to make us coffee. I follow her into the kitchen.

“Your mom’s handling this okay?”

“Yeah, she is. Sort of surprised me. Thought for sure she’d beat the shit out of me.”

Jen turns her head to see if I’m lying. I am. For all Mom’s hollering, she’s never once laid a hand on me. I don’t tell Jen that’s because my father thought laying a hand on my mom was cool. All Jen knows is that he left us a long time ago. For that I’m glad. I don’t need his influence in my life.

Jen smiles and turns the coffee machine on.

“Where’s your sister?”

“She wanted to give us privacy. Don’t worry, she’ll be back. She was sort of nervous about leaving me here to face the cavalry on my own.”

“Did she expect us to storm in and take him or something?” The minute I say it, I know the truth. Jen thought that. I take Jen in my arms. For a second her body stiffens, but then as I simply hug her, letting her adjust to my hands on her, she slowly loosens up. “Jen, I’d never do that to you. You understand, don’t you?”

“Not really,” she says. “This is all good…you knowing and your mom being okay with it, but what does it mean?”

“It means a lot. I want you in my life, Jen. I want to be in Danny’s life.”

Her eyes widen, like that’s the last thing she expected. She attempts to back out of my hold. I tighten my grip. No way am I about to let her leave me.

“Charlie, you don’t know what you’re saying. I know this is a huge shock to your system, but you don’t mean it.”

The ring in my pocket feels like it’s digging in my leg. If I reach in to retrieve it, Jen will back out of my hold. Looking her in the eyes, I say what I rehearsed last night. “Look, I know I’m far from your idea of a perfect guy, but I’ve got potential. I have one more month to finish up this course. Then I’m going to be stationed here…in Halifax. That placement should last five years. After that, I’ll probably be stationed somewhere else. That will give you time to finish up your studies. I have to do one overseas eight-month stint within those years, but Jen, I guess what I’m saying is, I want to be with you.”

She’s about to open her mouth to say something. I rush in with a kiss to silence her. I’m hoping the fact that she kissed me back is a good sign. Once we’re done, she’s leaning more of her body into mine. I rush in with the rest of what I need to say. Reaching into my pocket, I dig out the ring.

I hold it up for her to see. Tears immediately gather in her eyes. Shit, that wasn’t the reaction I’d been hoping for.

“Charlie, you can’t be serious.”

I get down on one knee. I’m hoping she won’t think it’s a stupid, lame move. I’ve never been more serious in my life. “Jen, you are my life. There wasn’t one day while I was away that I wasn’t thinking of you. I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you and yes, that might be lame, but you get me. You’re the only one who totally gets me.”

“Charlie, what you’re asking is a lifelong commitment.”

“Damn straight it is. Will you have me? I promise to never leave you or cheat on you.”

Jen starts to laugh. “I’m fairly certain that’s not a standard proposal.”

“It is where I come from. I’m dead serious. I want to be in your life. I want to be in Danny’s life. Please, will you consider what I’m asking?”

Her eyes dart to the coffee machine. Our drink is ready. My heart feels like it’s running a 5-a.m. marathon, the type I hated in boot camp.

“Charlie, I think you should get up off your knee and get real. You’re just feeling guilty. I understand.”

Okay, drastic measures are called for. I get up from the floor and slip the ring on her finger. She’s speechless but holds out her hand to admire the diamond. “It was my grandmother’s.”

“Oh my God, Charlie. You can’t be serious. It’s beautiful. I should take it off.”

“No. I want you to keep it on your finger so you can think about what I’m asking. I’m not going to rush you, Jen. This has to be your choice. But you know how stubborn I can be.” I smile then swoop in for another kiss. This time I take my time and wait until she once again leans into my body before I lower my hands to her bottom. I haul her in tight, needing her to understand I’d do anything to keep her with me.

We release each other only when Mom asks if the coffee’s ready. Jen blushes. I whisper not to worry about it.

She’s about to take off the ring, not wanting Mom to see it, but I urge her to keep it on. I tell her I told Mom I was going to propose and her face turns even more flushed. She looks sexy and adorable.

“Charlie, I’m not sure about this.”

“I know, Jen. I know. Like I just said. I’m not rushing you. I want you to promise me you’ll think about it. And I’m not planning to leave you and Danny, so you’re going to have to get used to us being around a lot.”

“You say that now, but you’re young and you could change your mind.”

“And you’re young. Christ, we’re both young. But sometimes things are meant to be. You were meant to be with me. I don’t think of Danny as a mistake. I think of him as our miracle.”

Her eyes once again get misty. I know mine are and I’m hoping she won’t hold that against me. This time Jen is the one to initiate the hug. “Thank you, Charlie.”

“For what?”

“For being you.”

“Does that mean you’ll think about it?”

“Yeah, it does.”

Jen claims my eager lips, anchors my heart and gives me eternal hope. Three simple words I’m praying to God will change all our lives for good.

***

Renee Pace writes nitty gritty young adult stories. She is the author of Off Leash and Off Limits. Renee lives in Halifax, Nova Scotia, where she juggles motherhood and working as a volunteer in the community. She is a member of Romance Writers of America and her local Romance Writers of Atlantic Canada, as well as the Writer’s Federation of Nova Scotia, and the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators. For more information, please visit www.reneepace.com.

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