~ The truth ~

Jungkook's pov

I left her there as I shut the door with a thud. I leaned against it and cursed under my breath.
I am tired of trying to get closer. The more she pushes me away, the more it becomes painful.

His father: "When you love someone, you are just doing it. Only that way you can understand how much someone wants you. "

.

Jin: " I love you, baby boy. Of course, I want you. "

.

Jennie: "She doesn't want you. Why wouldn't you be with someone that truly does? "

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists.

I give up. I can't force her to want me. She doesn't love me anymore. Her body's reaction to my touch fooled me. I thought she wanted me as much as I did.

I tried to seem confident and made it seem like I knew what I was doing. But the truth was that I was scared. I had no idea where it would bring me. The idea of having her, of touching her... It's terrifying.

I was so scared. Scared that she would be disappointed.
Scared that I wasn't enough.
And scared of giving myself entirely to her.

It was the first time when I actually wanted someone.

But she didn't want me. She pushed me away every single time I tried... So easily. And I was dying to feel her more.

Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong. It's just sex. It's normal. With them it is nothing. Why can't she understand? I can't stop this. I need to... hurt them.

It became painful to breathe. The hole in my chest started to spread everywhere inside of me.
She really doesn't want me anymore.

What am I doing?

How did I become like this?

After such a long time, I finally build up my courage and approached her. I pushed my fears away and the disgust I feel towards myself. As well, as the feeling of inferiority, I have around her every time, ever since the first day. All along I was aware that I am not good enough for her and that anyone else would be better for her. Way better than me.

But when I saw Mingyu holding her hand in that way, when I thought that she gave her love to someone else and I lost her forever...I was so scared. I was afraid she would stop looking at me. And I...I wanted to take her away from him, even by force, and make her mine. The desperation took over my judgment.

I even let her... Remembering how I begged her to caress me and kiss me, I bit my lip until blood started sipping down my chin. To actually let someone take the lead and be on top of me... It was frightening. For a moment there, they came into my mind as well how they forcefully and painfully took my body and made it theirs. But that fear was there just for a moment because it was her, I tried to relax even when my heart was full of fear.

Ah... What I have become because of you?

Since when am I forcing myself on someone?

It was the right choice I made back then. I should have never woken up. I knew that these new feelings would be the end of me.

I can't believe that I said those words to her. Since when I am saying 'I love you' to someone? Ah... So stupid. So pitiful.

Have you forgotten how they see you, Jungkook? Who would... Who would want you for real after... After they took everything from you? After you remained with nothing to offer.

Everyone is a liar.

So, why not play them instead? It's easier.
I will not get hurt. It's enough already. I can't let myself get hurt anymore. I will not be able to keep going.

A tear escaped my eye as I headed toward the bathroom. I was afraid of what I was becoming because of you.

After you rejected his closeness, Jungkook locked himself in the bathroom. Then all of you took breakfast in silence. As always, Jennie was throwing glances at Jungkook, even touching his hand or his thigh occasionally. Hoping that this way she would catch his attention.

It was easy to be aware of her desperation. Only looking at what she was wearing was enough to make you sick. It was a matter of time for her boobs to jump out of that tight pink dress she was finding herself in. Jungkook instead wouldn't look her way no matter what she was doing, instead, he ignored her completely.
(Of course, her seat was next to Jungkook, as close as possible ^^)

Mingyu, in his desperation, to understand Jungkook and if what Jennie said to him was true, would do his own number, and that was to touch your hand by accident. Of course, making sure Jungkook will see the innocent accident. And he did see it. His eyes would darken and Mingyu could see how restless he became even if Jungkook tried to dissimulate. Mingyu grinned. But he couldn't understand. Jennie wasn't lying. Maybe Jungkook actually told her how he sees her and the others. But regarding you, it was without any doubt different. Of course, you were clueless about what Mingyu was doing. Sometimes you would throw him a glare when his hand touched accidentally your thigh.

Your lips parted in shock when Jungkook suddenly got up from his seat and grabbed Mingyu's arm before twisting it. You could even hear a cracking noise.
Mingyu groaned in pain under Jungkook's smirk. Then Jungkook patted his shoulder in consolation before leaving the kitchen. And in the end: the house.

You had to take care of Mingyu's arm while cursing his stupid actions out loud. Mingyu was grinning and it annoyed the shit out of you.

All day you tried to ignore Jennie's existence. As for Mingyu, he had been locked in his office all day long, working. This time with one arm.

To stop worrying about Jungkook or wondering if something bad happened to him, you found yourself cleaning up the entire house. Even Jennie's temporary bedroom. You pushed the girl out of the bedroom and locked the door, so she couldn't annoy you with her presence.

But at the end of the day, again you found yourself thinking of him.
You couldn't get the hurt and disappointment you saw in his eyes when you avoided his kiss out of your mind. Behind the cold stare he had given to you, you could see their pain as well. You had no idea that he would actually feel that way. You thought that for him you were just another one. Nothing special.

You closed your eyes as his whispered words came once again into your mind.
"I love you... "

And your heart started to race.

Ah... Why is it so hard to understand you? Should I... give in? Even if I would be broken afterward? Because it will be like that. Because you will always... remain like this... Lost inside the darkness of your mind.

Remembering how you silently watched him preparing himself to leave the house, your chest tightened. Without even looking your way, he put a black mask on his face to cover his mouth, also a black cap on his head to cover his eyes, so no one could recognize him. You couldn't utter one word, all the courage left you at the sight of his cold expression. There you couldn't see any trace of feelings. But before opening the door to leave, he looked your way and caught your gaze, and stared at each other for a few seconds. Then he smirked your way and passed by you.
You knew where he was going. You knew that right now he was with another girl. That he was doing the same thing again and again.

You were about to grab his hand and give him what he wanted, but your pride didn't let you do so. This was his choice after all. And it wasn't you. Maybe your expectations were too high. But you wanted him to fight a little for you. Only so you could feel safe with him.

Love is pain and sacrifice. But it's also the most beautiful thing in the world.
Imagine someone knowing everything about you. Even the embarrassing things you don't want anyone to know. Imagine messing up and letting that person down again and again. But in the end, they would still forgive you. Because they are wise enough to read between lines and see behind your behavior. And they would still love you. They wouldn't like only one or two things about you, but all of you. Your heart, your mind, and everything that is a part of you.
Isn't this beautiful?

Your eyes saddened as he closed the door behind him. You wanted all of that with him. You wanted to become someone like that for him. And you were so sure that that day would never come. Both of you will always be lost, each of you in his own mind, with his own fears.